Monday, July 2, 2007

Things I Never Would Have Known Had I Not Had Kids

1. The number to Poison Control is 1-800-222-1222.

2. A two year old can eat 20 children’s vitamins without having to have his stomach pumped.

3. A two year old cannot drink a bottle of cough syrup without having to go to the ER.

4. Baseballs are magnetically attracted to windows.

5. You have to tell a four year old to pick up his Legos at least twenty times before he will do it.

6. Stepping on Legos in the middle of the night, makes you scream like you’ve been shot.

7. Screaming in the middle of the night is not a good idea, as it wakes up everyone in the house who will then insist they can only go back to sleep in your bed.

8. A toilet makes a nice size swimming pool for Barbie and her friends.

9. Barbies do not flush well.

10. Two year old boys do not mind having their fingernails painted pink.

11. Their fathers mind.

12. In one minute, a two year old can open your trunk and hood, turn on your hazard lights, windshield wipers and turn signals, and turn the volume on your radio as high as it will go as they get into their car seat.

13. It takes an adult six and a half minutes to find the switch to turn their hazard lights off.

14. You can easily fit an entire box of Cheerios in a floor register.

15. Ants like Cheerios.

16. So do mice.

17. Carpets that have a bottle of lotion dumped on them make squishy sounds when you walk on them.

18. Nail polish, surprisingly, sticks to the inside of a toilet filled with water.

19. It’s not a good idea to use nail polish remover on a tv screen.

20. Plastic toys shoved into a VCR will not necessarily break it. The VCR, however, will be completely destroyed when you try to retrieve the toy.

21. Putting pop in a sippy cup will make the cup explode.

22. Toothpaste does not make a good window cleaner.

23. Blue popsicles will dye skin, counter tops, and fur blue.

24. Dogs do not look good with blue fur.

25. Eating things like blue popsicles, blue French fries, and blue juice will produce neon green contents in a diaper the next morning.

26. A fifty pound boy can be launched off one end of a teeter totter by his brother.

27. A boy flying through the air after being launched off a teeter totter can break his arm.

28. Our local hospital has a great pediatric emergency room.

29. It’s never a good idea to use the clothes line to rappel down the side of the garage.

30. The doctors at our local hospital know us by name.

31. If one tries to climb a Christmas tree and breaks a glass ornament in the process, pieces of glass can get stuck in one’s eye.

32. The doctors at our local hospital are good at removing foreign objects from eyes.

33. Rocks, gum, chocolate, and earthworms should never go through the washing machine.

34. Never leave the keys in a golf cart when there’s a 2 year old, who likes to “go fast”, standing nearby.

35. It costs $600 to replace the awning on your camper after your 2 year old drives a golf cart into it.

36. It’s impossible to get butter out of carpeting.

37. It takes a very long time for hair to grow back.

38. It’s not a good idea to put yogurt in the gas tank of the lawnmower.

39. It’s really not a good idea to fill the lawnmower’s gas tank with water until it overflows and spills out all over the garage floor.

40. Watering plants with a tank of diluted gasoline will kill them.

41. If the kids are getting along and playing quietly in their rooms, it is NEVER a good thing. They’re up to something.


Kristina said...

I was sent a link to your blog and I am now trying not to pee in my pants from laughing so hard!!!!!!

It will take me a few days to get thru all your posts, but so far I am really enjoying it!!!!

Thank you! I really needed a good laugh today!

Anonymous said...

Priceless. Love this blog!!!

Anonymous said...

Well, I must say, I was part of a "5-pack" when I was a kid and we had the largest family in our schools, churches and so forth. I can relate to so much although I am a bit older than you are. My 3 sisters and I all had that same haircut you and your sister were displaying. In fact, when my hair is short, it seems people do not notice my "D-cups" and think I am a guy still! But, I wear earrings because that seems to be a tad more "telling" I am female. By the way, I am still single but all of the things your kids have taught you, I know without actually having any! Now, if you were here, I would certainly help wrangle the kids in the supermarket. If I can teach, take care of and potty train 18 2-year olds all together by myself, 6 is nothing. And, one of the boys climbed up on the highest thing on the playground and fell on his head like yours. His mom said the same thing but picked him up and had "his head examined" anyway. No concussion or nothing! And, many times, I was totally convinced that only the most horrible acting children were sent to daycare for me to try and teach them something. I am still not sure that they aren't...

Marie said...

love it, crying, LOL

Anonymous said...

Got one for the list:
Cooked peas stuffed into a nose is better than uncooked peas stuffed into a nose.

The cooked peas were sneezed out like bullets across the kitchen.
The uncooked ones necessitated a trip to the ER (they swell when moist!)

Casa De Galletti said...

Live large garden snails also should never go through the washing machine unless you want some clean empty shells for a collection.

Anonymous said...

THAT....was great!

Here's a couple more...

1. Never leave your massage oil where your 2 yr old can get it.

2. Never show your 2 yr old how to put on lotion (hand/body).

3. 2 yr olds do not like the taste of massage oil or baby butt ointment.

Anonymous said...

I need to add a page to my site for a list like this, because ...

Raisins, when fitted nasally, will reconstitute into a grape, and are difficult but not impossible to remove.

Love your stuff; I actually stumbled across the original baseball auction years ago, so I was thrilled when my brother-in-law brought over a printout of the Pokemon auction text after church today.

I'm so glad you now have a blog, for we parents of many (we have six, too) need to share. If you are serious about the book, I know what I will be giving for Christmas presents. :)

God bless you and yours!

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh! That was hysterical! I literally had tears streaming down my face and my stomach was cramping up from laughing so hard.

It sounds like you've called Poison Control more times than I have. I thought 4 times between my youngest 2 was bad enough. (The last time was just yesterday when my 22 - almost - month old licked the top of a bottle of Soft Scrub.) The other 3 times were for my 3 year old. (And they are both girls. I thought boys were supposed to do things like that.) My older 2 didn't get into stuff like the younger 2 do!

And I've been to the instacare so many times lately that I'm afraid they are going to think I'm abusing my kids. Seriously. When my brother and SIL were here a couple weeks ago, my SIL (who's in school to become a nurse practitioner) looked at me after my 3 year old got hurt for about the 5th time in just a couple hours and told me that she'd be the kind of kid that they'd be wondering if they were abused. Great. But seriously, at least they don't know me by name yet at the instacare. That makes me feel a little bit better.

You sound like a great mom and i really enjoy your blog!

Unknown said...

6 minutes to locate the hazards - how true! I still don't know how my 3 year old manages it. You sound like a great mom and my hat's off to you for doing what you do. Keep laughing!

Anonymous said...

Okay I was crying so hard my daughter thought something was seriously wrong! Thanks for the laugh.

Unknown said...

Just found a link to the pokemon auction and cried laughing. Loving the blog so far. Can't wait to red the rest! I have 2 little ones and I thought I had it bad. My kids nicknames are no longer satan's spawn, devil child, or hell raiser. Thanks for the laughs, and I feel for you.

Becky said...

I just found your blog and reading it from beginning to the most recent post. i found via your pokemon card auction(that is closed) on ebay. i was rolling when i read that and just had to come here and check your blog out! Keep up the good work!!
I have 3 boys 6,4 and 2. I understand this list of things you would never know if you never had kids!!

Anonymous said...

Oh my, I have tears in my eyes. That was hilarious!!!!

Another for the list. Do not give raisins to a toddler.

ER's are very quiet on Thanksgiving morning for removing raisins from a toddlers nose.

Raisins go in like a raisin. Come out looking like a grape.

Rick said...

Had to comment on this one. Very funny. I'm sitting in the Los Vegas airport - they just announced that me flight will be delayed. Your blog is my entertainment. Thanks

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