Thursday, August 9, 2007

I Resign

August 7, 2007

Dear husband,

The purpose of this resignation letter is to inform you that I will be leaving my position with your family effective August 8. I will be relocating to the Bahamas in the near future. As much as I would love to stay on as your chief laundress, cook, nurse, nanny, teacher, chauffeur, household manager, accountant, waitress, and maid, I simply do not get paid enough to put up with your children's deeds. Today, for example, Spaz launched his dinner plate across the room like some medieval catapult because his "meatball was touching his spaghetti". I don't know what I was thinking when I spooned a meatball onto the same plate as his spaghetti!

Your sons also held a battle in the family room using pillows as their weapons of choice. When battling the forces of evil with pillows, I suppose one must take the high ground which would explain why they were jumping around on the couch while wildly flinging the pillows at each other. In doing so, the wooden frame of the couch snapped and burst through the fabric.

One of your children managed to lock everyone out of the bathroom. Well, I assume it was one of your children, however they unanimously agree that Notme was the guilty party. According to your children, Notme has been responsible for laying wet towels on the floor, spilling juice on the carpet, eating an entire pack of gum from my purse, dumping out buckets of toys, and flushing Barbie dolls down the toilet. I, however, have yet to catch Notme in the act.

When Nana asked me if she could get a screwdriver to take the doorknob off the door, I told her that I didn't want her to touch the door until I tried to unlock it. I can certainly see how she understood that to mean 'go outside, get Daddy's ladder, climb up into the bathroom through the window and then take the screwdriver to remove the doorknob from the inside of the bathroom.'

I have appreciated both being part of your family and the opportunities that have been provided to me during the last several years. Had I not held this position, I would never have learned that staples pass harmlessly through a one year old's digestive system, that nail polish sticks to the inside of a toilet bowl, or that blue popsicles will turn a toddler's poop neon green. Clearly the past thirteen years on this job have given me invaluable information and skills that will help me acquire a new position in the real world.

Please do not let me know if I can be of assistance during the transition.

Please do not try to reach me at the above address if you have any questions or need any further information. I have turned off my phone and am now enjoying doing nothing but reading non-Dr. Seuss books, eating food other than mac-n-cheese and chicken nuggets, wearing clothes without spit up stains or dirty hand prints, and consuming large quantities of tropical rum drinks with little paper umbrellas.

Sincerely,

~Dawn

P.S. I finally found the source of the oddly colored liquid that spilled all over the inside of the refrigerator. It leaked from a jar of pickles into which Aj, doing some sort of experiment known only to him, had poured a packet of KoolAid and sugar.



66 comments:

SuzanneSays... said...

I feel your pain. Prima-Donna-Daugter has this penchant for chicken flavored ramen noodles topped with tropical punch Koolaid. Wouldn't be so bad (she actually will eat them like that) but 2 mins after adding the Koolaid, she has the balls to declare them 'too cold to eat.'

Leann I Am said...

You should write for sit-coms!!! This is some great stuff!!!

Anam_Kihaku said...

fanatstic stuff!! love how you write - its made me bawl with laughter all morning. thank you. thank you.

Julia in StL said...

I am soooo glad that someone told me about your auction, and that you gave us your blog address, because your writing is AWESOME! Hmmm, do you mind if I plagiarize your resignation letter? Think I'll post it above the toilet in the master bathroom, and another copy in the refrigerator. Sooner or later, hubby will have to go to one or the other!

Anonymous said...

Just love the red pickles!!!! it made me laugh out loud!

Anonymous said...

Aj must have been watching the Alton Brown show, Feasting on Asphalt. Apparently the Kool-Aid flavored pickles is a Mississippi Delta favorite. No really, look it up. Too funny that he actually made them.

Scott said...

The photo of the red pickles made me read this post twice just to get the recipe!

Bridgette Boudreaux said...

I was just about to tell you that Alton ate some of those pickles in MS on his show!! Did you try them?

Stephany said...

This is to gosh darn funny. Wow, six children. I admire you in all that you do. Thanks for the wonderful laugh.

Kim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

You are fabulous!! You are the Erma Bombeck for the 21st century. Please write a book!!

angelharp42 said...

Those are Koolickles! Or, Coolickles, if you prefer. I'm from the Delta, and I know my weird food! I am not a Koolickle fan myself, but I know many who swear by them.
As a mom of 2 boys, I applaud you. I come from a large family (6 girls), and I most admire my Mom's ability to laugh at things many people would tear their hair out over (ouch, bad grammar). It seems you have that same gift. Good for you!

Jennifer said...

I have 6 kids as well. We once got so tired of hearing "Not Me" when the kids were questioned that we made a dummy out of their clothes with a sign on his chest that read "Not Me". From that point on whenever the kids would blame Not Me for things, I would promptly go to the dummy and ask him if he did it, then I would inform the kids that they were wrong. It wasn't Not Me's fault.

You should make a MySpace account and use the blog there. That way people can subscribe to it if they want to. Just a thought.

Erica said...

You are Amazing! Your family should be on a show, I really should be working right now but since I stumbled on your page from your Ebay Ad I had to of course read everything you have written.

Gayle said...

I agree with many others. You ought to write a book! You remind me of Erma Bombeck. She's one of my favorite writers. (My mother used to read her books aloud to us when we were teenagers, and I gained an appreciation for finding the humorous side to almost any situation. Like my mother, I've needed a good laugh now and then.)

BTW, your ebay auction link was sent around a homeschool co-op in Virginia, and I'm sure it's rippled out from there too. Very funny! I needed a good laugh. Thank you!!!

p.s. I'm too embarassed to share my son's experience with potty training on your post about that. I'll just say, "Whew!" (It was a battle, but I'm grateful it's over.) He's been on a prescription laxative for over 4 years now, that started when I bought him a potty chair.

Dianne said...

I think we have the same couch!

Mine don't mind their food touching, but are firmly convinced that the act of putting something green on their plates is an act of torture and violates the Geneva Convention.

Anonymous said...

Yes, koolickles are a fave among the middle school/elementary set in the Mississippi Delta. I have caught many a 12 year old with plastic baggies full of the nasty $@^& in my classroom. (I'm a 7th grade teacher, God help me). They sell them in convenience stores. Really. I swear.

Anonymous said...

i just saw alton brown eating those koolicles today too lol... pretty nasty..

Anonymous said...

I am SOOOOOOOOO relieved to know that mine are not the only kids who have done that to the couch! Of course, the at the same time I discovered the broken frame poking through the back of the couch, I also discovered the giant hole it had scratched into the wall...

Laren said...

Interestingly enough, I have those same plates at home.... Also, I know it sounds trite, but be glad they are experimenting with food and not your shampoo, lotion, makeup, shaving cream, toothpaste, shower gell, and perfume... I did that to my mom, and I'm praying my kids don't do it to me... took her weeks to get the smell out of the bathroom, not to mention the rash it caused her... ;)

Anonymous said...

I am the mother of 6 children (ages 10,8,7,4,2, and 2 months). In 10 years of parenting we've gone through 4 livingroom sets. I actually hear furniture cry "Not me!" when we walk into a furiniture store.

I love my life with my children (even when I want to run and hide in my closet with a box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Cookie Cakes). You are very, very funny. Reading your blog makes everything in my life seem so normal. Thank you.

BTW, "I Don't Know" lives at our house and does all the naughty deeds. Maybe, it's a cousin of your mischevious friend?

Thanks for making me laugh and count my blessings.
Martie

Kathleen Pitt said...

oh Im so laughing, I have days like this too, can i copy your letter to give to my husband? lol Impressed with the red pickles!

Monchinga said...

LOL after 2 lil sisters , I learned one thing....Kids do stupid things , because they think it is somehow intertaining......I really don't know WHY they enjoy toturing us so , but there is one way to fix this Notme person. Install webcams thru the rooms in the house , and this "Notme" fellow may turn up. When u find this , "Notme" , beat them so is that the naughty "Notme" will think b4 he acts again....POWPOW!

Anonymous said...

Okay, I've had to change my underwear 4 times today, reading your Ebay listing and now your blog. The extra laundry is well worth it though, you have made my day. Thanks for your sense of humor.

Anonymous said...

As a mother of eight I have been there. i would like to give my husband your resignation letter, I've tried to quite but for some reason I am irreplaceable. yes because no one is as crazy as I am. My children are 9,8,7,6,4,3,2 and seven months. By the way my husband and i have been laughing our butts off at your writings.
danielle

natalie said...

I think we're going to attempt the colorful pickles this weekend. My oldest adores pickles!

Anonymous said...

You have my sympathy. I have four kids we go through living room and bedroom furniture like they were disposable. I made my little indians go to bed early after the middle two painted the 3 yrold with Dora toothpaste! Hope you get the same peace this evening!
Delana

Karla said...

Hilarious! I have discovered that blue, "Superman" ice cream turns their poop neon green as well. Quite a shock the first time we saw that!

Anonymous said...

I don't know if they still make it, but there used to be "Trix" (as in the breakfast cereal) flavored yogurt that would cause the neon green poop, too. Oh, my, but that was scary....

Jessica L. said...

Someone linked me to your auction and after reading that, I had to read your blog. I have no children as of yet, but we're only four months into this whole marriage thing.

I'm keeping myself entertained at work and I almost wet my pants when reading about your dear daughter climbing into the bathroom from the window!

Thanks for putting a smile on my face.

Mrs. Flinger said...

ohhh! I wrote a resignation letter earlier, too. (like, Wednesday? When was the last crappy day I had? Oh, wait, when was the last GOOD day I had, that's easier, and then go one day ahead and one day forward and that would be the day I wrote the letter(s). ;-)

Trish Berg said...

Great resignation letter....I am a mom of 4, and can't imagine 6! My husband always says, "Honey, I'm going to double your salary!"

Well zero times anything is still...well.....ZERO! I do remember some things from 3rd grade math.

I never thought of resigning, but I do have plans to install a time clock in my upstairs hallway so after I tuck the kids in bed, I can officially CLOCK OUT, collapse on the couch and sigh with relief.

Though your umbrella drinks sound divine :)

I also wanted to say that you are a FANTASTIC writer. I am an author (I write for moms as well) and if you want any advice, help, or sounding board, feel free to contact me!

Blessings -

Trish Berg

Neasa said...

I think I wet myself a little bit reading that post. The effects of having kids just goes on and on doesn't it?!!!! You are just sooo funny. I'm wondering how many people are going to print out that letter and leave it for their husbands?!!

sigkapoli said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I want to leave comments on every one of your posts. I am glad that someone else is annoyed by bad grammar and spelling. And the resignation letter, well, it's not plagerism if I cite your blog, right? Anyone know the proper way to cite from the internet? I graduated before it was acceptable to use the internet for research papers. LOL Oh dear, did I spell plagerism correctly?

Vanessa said...

In case you're still in the market for a new sofa, you can try www.homereserve.com. Inexpensive and durable. I got a loveseat from them when the support bar broke on my sofa. You might like the "got kids?" section! :)

The Empress said...

Oh my. Rarely do I end up with tears streaming down my face (in laughter). Usually it's because my tribe of howler monkeys (3 to be exact) have pulled stunts like yours. Today, I LAUGHED until I cried. And you have NO idea how much I needed it. Really. Thanks for making me smile. I only wish I could be as funny as you. Maybe one day when I grow up (or have 6 kids), I'll have enough material...

Keep up the good work!

waned said...

Like everyone else i saw your auction and came here. I have 4 children and a missed period since August 13 now is 25 so you know what that posible means: If i am not crazy by now i will be soon.

My kids ruined my new couch too but it was two big squares on the armrest. Oh i made a mistake it wasn't my kids It was Notme I didn't know he liked to travel so much.

You are such and excellent writer. I just cant do it with the girls fighting Dan by my side asking for more cookies and the baby screaming, trying to climb up my leg.

If you do publish I will look forward your book!

Ginabee said...

I too found you through your ebay post. Great writing, I'm sitting here with a big grin on my face, wondering why I never thought to resign. Thanks for the laughs this morning. I'll definitely be back.

Anonymous said...

Love your sense of humor and the reassurance it brings that our family is "normal"!

During the recent severe thunderstorms and tornado warnings in Chicago, I had to pick up my 9 year old from school and drove 3 hours roundtrip with my 3 and 4 year olds dodging falling trees and flooded streets on a trip that would typically take 30 minutes. Upon arriving home exhausted, I feared our power would go out and lit candles in the kitchen and bathroom. While running the little one's bath water they proceeded to set the dining room table on fire. When I called them for their bath, they undressed, climbed into the bath not mentioning a word. While bathing them my son said they did something very naughty, but needed to know, before he told me what it was, that I would not spank them. FINALLY, when he said "We burned a napkin with the candle," I stared at him a minute...reality hit and I screamed and ran into the dining room to see the table in blazes, all the placemats having disinegrated and melted into the top of the table turning into one massive blaze.

Anonymous said...

I have to say that Kool Aid pickles are all the rage down here in the MS Delta. As soon as I read what your child did with the pickles, I thought to myself, "kool aid pickles". Down here though, most people use those gigantic whole pickles that you get in the movie theatre. There's even a meat store around here that sells Kool Aid pickles in very large gallon jugs. I'm personally not a fan of them but so many kids are. My 4 yr old son has had one before but I'm not sure they were his favorites either.
Anywho, also wanted to let you know that I read your Ebay ad tonight and I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants. You are tooo funny! So I decided to check out your blog. Great stuff here...after reading about your experiences in the grocery store, now I don't feel so bad about my son walking around Wal-Mart scratching his hiney this afternoon...

deanna said...

That letter to DH was freakin' hilarious! More please, lol.

I am getting your soon-to-be-published book for every one who invites me to their baby shower from now on!

Anonymous said...

Look at how many lifes you have touched~

I was sent your Ebay listing from a friend and I got the biggest kick from it! So much, I forwarded it to several friends I have that could relate to your experiences.

I will never confront a mother with 4 kids or more and ask them if they are all hers after reading your ebay listing. If anything when I see mothers in that situation I want to help! Kudos to all the mothers out there that have 3 or more, you are very special women!!

I read your blog now reguarly because you really do have a great sense of humor.

As the others have said, you really should try writing a book. Nicholas Sparks recieved 1m for the first book he published. It took him several trys before he got the one published, but like him, you have several supporters that know you can do it!

My best to you and most of all,

Keep touching the lifes of others like you are. What a great talent and quality!

Ginger said...

Omg, I mean I'm laughing my ass off! ( I can write "ass" because my kids can't read yet...sorry about yours.):) This is the funniest thing I've read yet. I think just reading this has made me feel better about myself and my kids..THANK YOU! lol

Clarissa said...

haha the pickles! Maybe he saw Alton Brown's show on the Food Network when he visited down here!

This is the awesomest blog ever, and I'm not even out of high school.

Lon said...

As the DH of a mother of 7 I thank you for making time to write. We often feel insignificant in this life. You are a great example of how the effort of one person can touch thousands and lift them higher. Thank you for being the "wind beneath our wings"
Lon

nancy PA said...

Just wanted to know if you had a camera in my home? A friend sent me the link to your e-bay posting saying that it sounded like me. However I only have 4 (although child #3 we are discoviering has many new personalities appearing daily).
Anyway its nice to know that somone out there my age is sharing in my pain, I mean joy of being a mother.

Anonymous said...

I have no kids, but I just spent a weekend with my sister and her three kids in our tiny house- whew! There didn't seem to be an hour without someone in tears! I read your ebay post at 1am on their last night in town after Universal Theme Park, Sea World, the beach, the Santa Monica Pier... and your writing not only made me laugh, but helped put everything back in perspective. They are great kids and are just like all other little kids: they're KIDS! And my sister (like you) is a hero ;) Oh, and our culprit isn't "Notme" but "Somebody", i.e., (in total surprise) "Mom! Somebody spilled beans in the back of Auntie's car!" "Mom, Somebody spilled Sprite in Auntie's purse!" Somebody is mighty stealthy, and mighty sloppy...

Isaiah5513 said...

So, I was laughing very hard out loud and my 12 year old came over to see why. After all, i usually yell, yes, even when reading blogs. I pointed out the pickles, he saw the couch and I said, trying to sound authoritative, "do you know how that happened?" yeah, jumping. "how did you know?" "Cuz jumping breaks furniture."
Yep, it sure does.

jacnesmith said...

I only had two girls and when they were growing up --it seemed as if I had 10 when we would go shopping...BUT the funny thing is---they are just as bad today. They are 25 and 22...sooooo BAD NEWS...it doesn't get any better BUT WE CAN COUNT IT ALL JOY..because we do love our kids...

Thank you for posting all that you have..it is wonderful and funny.

tara v said...

I only have three kids but I do have a disabled husband. I thought I occassionaly had bad days, but I don't think one of my worst days can even compare to what you go through. Hope the book thing works out. GOD BLESS YOU!

Anonymous said...

This is seriously some of the funniest stuff I have seen in a while. I hope your good fortune continues and you do get a book deal! Then you can hire a maid and not worry about cleaning up after the kids. Bless you!

Anonymous said...

You are so very funny and a SAINT for all that you deal with daily. I sincerely hope that your Husband appreciates all that you do. Who knows, if you don't write books about your life...maybe someone out there will see this and make a sitcom out of your life. Oh and btw....thanks so much for sharing your life with us. ;) You made me smile. Bless you Dawn and keep smiling. :)

Ally Brown said...

You are hilarious. The pictures make the letter that much funnier! Oh it's amazing what our kids can do. I don't know how my mom did it with seven, nor do I know how you do it with six. But the Lord blesses you.

Karadawnhoyer@yahoo.com said...

You have to laugh at this stuff, don't you? I have 6 myself (5 girls, 1 boy) and am currently writing my own resigination letter. That is, if 1,2, &3 will stop fighting over the computer... 4 can hold off on whining over "But they won't let me..." 5 decides not to put DVDs in the toilet and poop on them and 6 can stop being a 2 year old boy for just 1 minute (please God let this last one really happen) and of course I haven't lost my last neuron screaming "Would you guys just knock it off already" for the 10000th time today.
My Grandma had 17 (really 9 girls 8 boys) and I have no idea how she lived to be 87. I think it was because it was perfectly acceptable back then to just knock the crap out of them. Oh the good old days.
Thank you for the laugh today... finding humor really is the only way to make it through some days. How else can we put up with so much and not even once try to tuck them in with duct tape at night...

Anonymous said...

I love reading your blog. It makes laugh. I have 2 kids and would not know what to do with anymore. We had just got a new couch when my son took a pink marker to it. He was only 3 and blamed it on his little sister who was 1, but the funny thing was he wrote his name and swore that he didnt do it. Every Day look for the laughs and it makes it the best job.

Anonymous said...

Hi, Loved your resignation letter. Luckily my kids are now 11 and 15 so we're out of the amazing experiments, embarrasing moment, artistic phases but are entering the TEENAGE years which have a whole new dynamics so everything you thought you'd learned over the stressful kiddoe years no longer counts!!
Lots of people mentioned your E-bay ad however I live in Germany so have only just heard about it...it sounds great, where can I see it?

Keep putting in 1001% energy the little darlings really are worth it...I can only write this cos I have just spent 3 months on the Galapagos Islands (without Hubby and kids!)

Crimson Feet said...

Hi, I think this post is hilllllarious :) and meaningful. I wanted to know if I could have the permision of reposting this on my blog monkeysinmind.blogspot.com (MIM). I have started MIM recently with my friend and we started off expecting formal/hilarious/serious/feel good resignation letters from various people. And then I stumbled upon your resignation letter. This adds a whole new dimension to the idea of resignation :).
Hope to have your permission.

thanks

Brandon & JaKell said...

I love your blog, as a 27 year old mom with 5 kids (3 mine 2 his) I hear you and can relate to ALL of this. I just wish I could write as well as you! I was a full time stay at home mom for 6 years, now I work 2 nights a week for only 5 hrs. its a great break, but I still miss them when I am gone. Even with all the ups and downs of motherhood. Great job! Kepp up the great work!

MaximEyes said...

This is just a classic. It really cracked me up.
Good luck with your kids, Dawn :)

Leah said...

You are my hero! Serious! I only have one child but she announced to an entire lingerie department that "her mother had NASTY hoo-haws" during a bra shopping trip. Luckily enough for me, my husband left the state and shacked up with a creature named "Shannon" so more kids aren't a possiblility for me (unless I decide to take on somebody else's craziness...don't think that will happen).

I seriously tip my hat to you with the six kids. Holy crap!

I love my kid to death and wouldn't trade her for anything in the world but shopping with kids is absolute TORTURE! Kudos to you! I call you SuperMom!

Anonymous said...

I accidentally came upon your blog. You are wonderful. At my house "Nobody" was the culprit. My kids are now grown and every now and then a story will be retold and "Nobody" has changed names to whichever of my children actually did the deed. I just bought the same couch you have but fortunately no one will be jumping on it...I hope. This was my first visit here, but it won't be my last.

Rachel said...

You are freakin' hilarious!! I love reading your blog, can I just come stay with you for a day? LOL

The Pikes said...

Okay ( I need to catch my breath) COme check out my blog about Naught meigh http://pikespickles.blogspot.com/2008/03/naught-meigh.html I think we have something in common.
LOL

Prats said...

I'm light years too late into your blog. Came here from blogger's choice awards page....gosh!!! I've been missing out on a lot.
Loved yuor blog here...and i know i'm just one of the millions who's have told you that :)

memyselfandotherthings said...

This made me laugh so much and I have printed out as a template in case I ever need to resign and am lacking the words!

romina chandler said...

This is so hilarious! You just made my day. Way to go Dawn!

Satyesm

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