Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Dawn's Valentine's Day Survival Guide

I have always hated Valentine's Day. I hated it when I was married. Of course, now that I’m a bitter old hag cynical, single, soon-to-be cat owner, I hate it even more. But never fear, my single friends. I've got your back! I've created a little survival guide for today. You're welcome.

1. One word: Wine! 

2. Make a bonfire with everything any of your stupid exes have ever given you. 

3. Let the bonfire get out of control because – firemen! 

4. Watch Better Off Dead and realize that even Ricky Smith got a girlfriend in the end.

5. Throw out your copy of Better Off Dead. 

6. Get some exercise. Walk from your car to the store and buy some Ben & Jerry’s. 

7. Scroll through Facebook until you want to throat-punch all the happy couples celebrating the happy day with flowers and chocolate and happy teddy bears. 

8. Download Match.com. 

9. Give yourself a make-over and take 2803 selfies until you find one that doesn't make you cringe. Post it on Match.com.

10. Scroll through Match.com and realize you’re going to be alone forever. 

11. Cry until you have rivers of mascara striping your face. 

12. Photoshop your face next to Heath Ledger's Joker face. Decide you would've made a really cute couple. You know, if you'd ever met him. And he hadn't died.

13. Go to the pet rescue place and adopt 27 cats. 

14. Buy yourself a 10 pound heart-shaped box of chocolate. Don’t even wait for it to go on sale tomorrow. You’re worth it. 

15. Buy a value-size bottle of Tums. 

16. Two words: More Wine! 

17. Go to Walmart and realize that things could be worse. Being single isn’t all that bad. At least you aren’t wearing a tube top in public. 

18. Go up to the least creepy looking guy at Walmart and hug him. When he looks at you like you're a freak, apologize and tell him you mistook him for your boyfriend. Ask him if he wants the position.

19. Open the windows and sing Eric Carmen’s All By Myself as loudly as you can. 

20. Let the neighbors call the cops because – men in uniform again! 

21. Watch cute puppy videos on YouTube. 

22. Order pizza. Tell everyone that your valentine brought you dinner. No need to mention that your valentine is the pizza delivery guy.

23. Ask pizza delivery guy if he wants to watch some Netflix with you. What? It could work!

24. Think about lowering your standards so you'll have a date for next year. I mean, really, all you need is someone who breathes. And maybe bathes now and then.

25. Maybe breathing is overshooting things a bit. A zombie could work out. Zombies are people too.

26. Take a loaf of bread, head to the lake, and feed the ducks. Feel all popular-like when you're surrounded by hungry adoring waterfowl.

27. Go into every store you pass on the way home from work and put sticky notes in random places that say, "You are loved!"

28. Three words - Still More Wine!

29. Send your ex wine-induced texts. Change your phone number when you realize what you've done.

30. Remember - Valentine's Day is stupid. Its mascot is a man-baby wearing a diaper and carrying a bow and arrows. If you saw Cupid around your neighborhood, you wouldn't wish to be shot. No, you'd be dialing 911 faster than you can say "registered offender."

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