Paula Deen Does Not Have to Worry About Losing Her Job

First I have a shameless plug for my auction running on Ebay right now. Check it out if you have a minute. Click to watch this auction, and write me a comment if you're so inclined. Thank you!

My kids love to watch The Food Network. They enjoy trying out new recipes. Many times we've pulled an Alton Brown, Rachel Ray, or Paula Deen recipe off Foodnetwork.com and worked together to make it. Other times, however, my kids decide to come up with interesting concoctions on their own. Today my 12 year old son made donuts. At least that's what he said they were. In the process, he managed to melt my slotted spoon.

I thought you said the oil was 300 degrees?

It was! I think. I'm pretty sure. Wait, did you say three-hundred?

I wish I had taken a picture of my kitchen before I helped him clean up. It looked something like this.

After that my 3 year old broke a picture frame. How, you ask? He scaled the wall, Spiderman style, and knocked the frame off the wall.

A little later in the day, my 6 year old innocently closed the back storm door and a pane of glass fell out.

Such is a day in the life of me.

Mmmm appetizing, no? Light, fluffy buttermilk donuts with a dusting of cinnamon and sugar. Or something like that.

My poor slotted spoon

Wanted: Someone Who Has at Least a First Grader's Knowledge of English to Edit Want Ads

I spent part of my morning looking through some classified ads. I was hoping to see an ad that stated, "Wanted: a stay at home mom to do a little internet surfing from home. Starting salary $75k. Must not have any computer knowledge, must not be able to converse with adults on any subjects beyond diaper changing, fourth grade math homework, and the best spit-up stain removers. Being out of the work force for 13 years a plus. Must be willing to tune out your kids in order to hang out on the computer for 2 -3 hours day.

Surprisingly, I didn't see any such ads. What I did find were several ads looking for freelance work. Now I don't know about you, but I don't think I would want to work for a company who misspelled the word "once", not once, but twice. I'm certainly not perfect and make my fair share of typos, but if you're placing a want ad, you might want to do a little proofreading. Please.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We are seeking editors/writers to write entries (around 500 words) on a blog for writers. Bloggers should be proficient with American English usage and terms, as well as be used to using WordPress. We want people who are motivated and interested in writing/the English language, what you have learnt and how you perceive the writing/publishing world. You will need to write at least 2 posts per week to the blog.

Hmmm, what have I learnt about the English language...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I need 2000 articles on various sources for magazine publishing. The right provider should have good writing and grammer skills.

I guess spelling is optional?

Should also have a creative writing side, developing articles people will enjoy reading. All articles must be 1000 words or more on various topics I will provide.I don't do escrow or advance payment. I will pay through PayPal. I required a Net 15 day payment policy.

and now what do you require?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We would like to offer you the job in our international tourism company - Clubfreedom- like an independent marketing consultant. Unlimited cheap vacations, $6000 salary once a month and less,

$6000 once a month and less?

personal site and much more is quaranteed.

quarantined? guaranteed? Anyone?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I need a few opinion essays for my Intro to Ethics class as I don't have enough time to finish them. I need the following:- 6 x 250 words' reviews which are based upon articles which I will provide from the textbook.

Yes, this sounds ethical.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

we are looking for a german copywriter for web content, we will provide 3 keywords per page, then the copywriter should good copy around these keywords, 600-800 words and each keyword should appear 3 times.

Oh, I shouldn't bad copy them? How about capitalization? Is that bad too?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our company is looking for a company or freelancer interested in a join venture on a gaming project.

We'll be joining on this venture?

We have already domains, company made specially for the project, servers and the idea of the project. All information will be granted onced we have choosed the right company to work with.

No comment

We are offering a % of the business (from 20 to 30%) your work will be to do the whole gaming system, gaming design, website, databases, system admin, affiliate system etc.. we already have the whole idea, all we need is a company that can make it real. We wont provide any investment on the gaming part, thats your work. Companies interested must be in contact 10 hours a day, 5 days a week throw msn, skype, aim or gtalk.

How does one throw MSN?

Company selected will sign a contract with our company before starting and onced

There's that word again. Onced upon a time...

finished and tested all systems, we will invite you to our offices in Madrid or London so you can know us and sign the final contract. Our company will pay for your flight and stay doesnt matter where you are from.Company must respect dead lines,

What exactly are dead lines?

we need serious people.We prefer young people, unmarried who love to work for a better future, as married have too many responsabilities and that could deliver in not meeting deadlines.

So, you don't like married people, punctuation, spelling, or capitalization?

Shaving 101

I had a discussion on my email loop a few weeks ago about shaving. More specifically, when is the proper time to introduce your daughter to the fine art of shaving one's legs? My friends were a little scared of letting their almost teenage daughters use razors and suggested some alternatives such as making your daughter wait until she's twenty-one before letting her shave. Now, my daughter is eleven and has dark hair so I didn't really think that idea would fly. My friends, wonderfully bright, insightful people that they are, had some wonderful ideas to share on this subject. For instance, did you know that Nair makes a product marketed specifically for teenage girls? Another suggestion made was to let your daughter shave with an electric razor. Veet, a bladeless razor that works in conjunction with a depilatory cream, was also suggested. And an Aveeno lotion that is supposed to soften and minimize hair, was brought up as well.

All of these were smart, sound ideas. Did I pay attention to any of them? Noooo. I bought my daughter a cute little pink razor and we shared a mother-daughter bonding moment as I showed her how to lather up her legs and carefully shave them while explaining that this, much like bleeding half to death every month, was just another "fun" part of being a woman.

So she's done really well shaving her legs for about a month now. Until tonight. She walked out of the shower crying with a very freaked-out expression on her face. I followed her gaze down to her leg which was dripping blood, leaving a red trail behind her. Thankfully blood doesn't bother me. I can handle blood, guts, gore, and poopy diapers. Just keep me away from vomit unless you want to experience exorcist type retching the likes of which you've never witnessed. But that's another story. So here comes my daughter crying and dripping blood. The three inch long gash on her leg looked like it had been made with a dull Ginsu knife left sitting in the rain for a decade. After a transfusion and a mile of gauze, the bleeding stopped.

Now I can say with some authority, perhaps eleven is still a bit young to let your daughter use a razor. I'll be going to Target tomorrow to get some Nair Pretty (and twenty other things I don't need, but find their way into my cart nonetheless.)

Diet starts Monday. Again.

So I got on the scale for the first time in a month and I came to the shocking realization that I'd gained slightly less than a metric ton. I have no idea how this happened. My diet is exemplary. Today, for example, I had two cups of cream with a little coffee for flavor and a donut which was stale so I'm pretty sure it doesn't count. At church, we celebrated a birthday with cake after worship service. I think the cake was blessed and holy cake can't have that many calories. Of course I had to finish my son's slice as well. Waste not, want not. For lunch I had a peanut butter sandwich, about 70 pretzels (but they were the little skinny stick kind so they don't count) and half my weight in chocolate. The chocolate didn't even taste very good, and if you don't enjoy the food you're eating, you don't have to count those calories. I had a big, fat cheeseburger for dinner along with enough fries to keep Idaho in business, but I ate that while standing up and doing dishes because I was in a hurry to leave and play chauffeur to my daughter and everyone knows that food consumed while standing doesn't count. Plus I washed it all down with a Diet Coke which negates the calories in the cheeseburger, so really I think I should be losing weight.

On the menu for tomorrow is water for breakfast, lettuce for lunch, and a Tic Tac for dinner. Now I'm off to search for a snack. I've already looked in my fridge twice, but perhaps the food fairies have come and left something good to snack on while I was writing this. Hey, it's not Monday yet.

Vacation Bible School (it's not really a vacation)

Whew! Vacation Bible School is over. It was a fun, but long week. Every year I volunteer to help out in the kitchen so I can get as far away from my kids as possible. Did I just say that aloud? What I meant to say is that I always volunteer to help out in the kitchen because preparing nutritious snacks for the children is very important and fulfilling to me. This year I also played "roving photographer" and had fun taking pictures of the kids all week. Of course, I still haven't figured out how to use my new camera and the date on the pictures reads April 2007. Hey, at least the year is right.

I had three different people come up and tell me what a great kid Boo is - so polite, nice, calm. At home, he was nice, polite and calm for seven minutes this past year.

One of the creative snacks the kids had. It was a scroll made from a fruit roll-up wound around two pretzel rods and tied with a piece of licorice.

OK, now I'm going to go take a shower and hope that I don't break out singing because all those VBS songs are stuck in my head and probably will be for the next month.

I Resign

August 7, 2007

Dear husband,

The purpose of this resignation letter is to inform you that I will be leaving my position with your family effective August 8. I will be relocating to the Bahamas in the near future. As much as I would love to stay on as your chief laundress, cook, nurse, nanny, teacher, chauffeur, household manager, accountant, waitress, and maid, I simply do not get paid enough to put up with your children's deeds. Today, for example, Spaz launched his dinner plate across the room like some medieval catapult because his "meatball was touching his spaghetti". I don't know what I was thinking when I spooned a meatball onto the same plate as his spaghetti!

Your sons also held a battle in the family room using pillows as their weapons of choice. When battling the forces of evil with pillows, I suppose one must take the high ground which would explain why they were jumping around on the couch while wildly flinging the pillows at each other. In doing so, the wooden frame of the couch snapped and burst through the fabric.

One of your children managed to lock everyone out of the bathroom. Well, I assume it was one of your children, however they unanimously agree that Notme was the guilty party. According to your children, Notme has been responsible for laying wet towels on the floor, spilling juice on the carpet, eating an entire pack of gum from my purse, dumping out buckets of toys, and flushing Barbie dolls down the toilet. I, however, have yet to catch Notme in the act.

When Nana asked me if she could get a screwdriver to take the doorknob off the door, I told her that I didn't want her to touch the door until I tried to unlock it. I can certainly see how she understood that to mean 'go outside, get Daddy's ladder, climb up into the bathroom through the window and then take the screwdriver to remove the doorknob from the inside of the bathroom.'

I have appreciated both being part of your family and the opportunities that have been provided to me during the last several years. Had I not held this position, I would never have learned that staples pass harmlessly through a one year old's digestive system, that nail polish sticks to the inside of a toilet bowl, or that blue popsicles will turn a toddler's poop neon green. Clearly the past thirteen years on this job have given me invaluable information and skills that will help me acquire a new position in the real world.

Please do not let me know if I can be of assistance during the transition.

Please do not try to reach me at the above address if you have any questions or need any further information. I have turned off my phone and am now enjoying doing nothing but reading non-Dr. Seuss books, eating food other than mac-n-cheese and chicken nuggets, wearing clothes without spit up stains or dirty hand prints, and consuming large quantities of tropical rum drinks with little paper umbrellas.

Sincerely,

~Dawn

P.S. I finally found the source of the oddly colored liquid that spilled all over the inside of the refrigerator. It leaked from a jar of pickles into which Aj, doing some sort of experiment known only to him, had poured a packet of KoolAid and sugar.

Monkey Trouble

I took Spaz and Baby to the ENT today. Spaz was wearing his t-shirt that reads, "Hello, my name is Trouble". A lady looked at his shirt and asked him, "What's your name? Is it really trouble?"
Spaz nodded affirmative. Then he changed his mind and told her, "No, it's not Trouble. It's Monkey Trouble."
That's my boy.
Anyway, his airway is blocked by his tonsils and adenoids and he'll need surgery to remove them so he can breath and sleep better. This marks the eighth surgery that my kids have had. :(
I had to get up at 6:45 this morning and if you know me at all, you know that I don't do mornings. In fact, I called my friend, Sue, on the way to the doctor's office so we could chat and catch up. When she saw my number on her caller ID, she thought I'd been in an accident or something because she knows I don't speak before 9:00 am.
So, I'm about to pass out from sheer exhaustion. Now I know why the rest of the world goes to bed before 2:00 am. This is the end of my post for today. If I took the time to write anymore, I'd probably fall asleep on my keybbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

Presenting the Photographic Stylings of Me

I paid my sister, brother-in-law, and new baby nephew a visit this evening. While there, I took a couple pictures of my nephew with my awesome new camera. This camera is fully automated, yet it has features that enable one to manually adjust the aperture, ISO, and flash. It can take movies, play back photos on your television or computer, make delicious waffles, and separate your laundry. It has a digital zoom, red eye reduction, and fifteen hundred buttons. Basically, it's the kind of camera that you can only use after reading a two thousand page manual. I hate reading directions. Perhaps that's why the pictures of my nephew turned out like this.



My dad feeds me beer.



Hey! What happened to the flash?


Yes, that's a giant close-up of my thumb.


C'mon. Mom, is this lady for real?


Yikes! What's with the creepy red light?


Nah, nah, nah-nah-nah, you'll never get a good picture of me, you dork!


This would be a picture of the wall. Oops.



Finally!



Even after half blinding him, and annoying him with my endless attempts at taking his picture, Dominick gave me the A-OK sign. Either that, or he was trying to give me another sign but just couldn't maneuver his fingers into position.

Camping and Other Methods of Torture

I'm back from camping again. Why, oh why do I torture myself like this? For the pleasure of sleeping out in the wilderness for two nights, I spent a week planning and packing and now I'll spend another week unpacking and cleaning. Although some people would call this a vacation, I believe this actually falls under the category of torture by the Geneva Convention, Amnesty International, and the United Nations.

We actually had a nice time camping with my brother-in-law, Ross, and sister-in-law, Kelly, who have an awesome new camper complete with HDTV and DVD player. All was good until Saturday when it started raining. It rained all afternoon with a brief intermission for s'mores over the fire, then it started up again and stormed all night long. Now Nana, Boo and Princess were in Kelly and Ross's camper watching Pirates of the Caribbean (really roughing it, huh?) and they were all planning on sleeping in their camper that night. That is, until Princess allegedly started snoring and Nana and Boo bailed on her. OK, no big deal, we all scooted over, made room for Nana and Boo who promptly fell asleep in our camper. Then the thunder and lightning started and I spent the rest of the night worrying about Princess who was still in Kelly and Ross's camper. She gets scared and always climbs into bed with me when it storms and I had this fear she was going to try to leave their camper and come into ours in the middle of the night in a thunderstorm. While I laid awake worrying about Princess, my sil was awoken by the sound of Princess trying to open the door to her camper. Thankfully, sil had locked their camper door. She got up to see what was wrong and found Princess sitting in a chair, crying. My wonderful sil calmed Princess down and slept with her so she wouldn't be scared (Princess, not my sil. Although my sil may have been scared too. I'm not sure about that.)

The rain probably wouldn't have been such a big deal except that we'd requested a nice shady spot since our air conditioning was out. Well, we got what we asked for. We got a very, very shady spot. In fact, it was so well shaded that no grass grew there. After the night of rain, we stepped out of the camper and into a lake of mud. And to top it off, it was pleasantly cool and we had no need for air conditioning or shade anyway. Damn that Murphy and his law.

This is my weather forecast for the next five days. It should be fun having the kids, who are already bored with summer vacation, cooped up inside all week. I know I'm looking forward to it.

Uncle Ross (Note the beer. My kids have that effect people.)

Aunt Kelly (It may not be the best picture of her, but at least she isn't flipping me off.)

"Can I keep him, Mom? Pleeeease! Pleeeease? Pretty please! I'll take care of him. I promise!" We did not bring him home, by the way. At least, I hope not. ::::going to check Boo's room::::

This is a bag filled with frogs. Actually this was MY bag that was filled with frogs. It's no longer mine. I think they caught eleven frogs, one caterpillar and two thousand lightning bugs this trip. What is it about boys and their need to catch wildlife wherever we go?

This picture just struck me as funny. It looks like they're walking on water.

Shoot me Now!

This is where my twelve year old and my eight year old will be spending their summer vacation next year - St. John's Northwestern Military Academy. They have a summer camp program! Forget Super Nanny. Bring on Lieutenant Colonel Jim Kebisek, B.S., M.S., U.S. Army Engineer (Ret.)!

What prompted this decision? We're going camping again this weekend so we're (and by we're, I mean my eleven year old, Nana and I) doing laundry, packing up, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. Know what Aj has done to help? ::: sound of crickets in background ::: Know what Boo has done to help? He shucked one ear of corn for me. One out of twelve ears. Know where he peeled this ear of corn? On my couch. Know how long it took me to vacuum all those silk fibers off the couch? Too long. Know how many times I've heard one of them scream, fight, cry, or otherwise bug each other today? A number large enough hasn't been discovered as of yet. Thus military school.

As far as camping - the air conditioner in our camper broke and the part my husband ordered to fix it hasn't come in yet. It's supposed to be 480 degrees this weekend. I'm camping with my in laws. I'm packing rum. Lots and lots of rum. See you Monday.

Camping for Large Families (as long as your family isn't too large)

We were going to go camping this weekend at a place called Happy Acres. I mean, Happy Acres! What could be bad about a place filled with acres of happy people camping? I perused their website and was impressed with the fact that they used the word "family" nine times on the first page! Wow, this place is really geared toward families. In fact, their website states - The modern concept of "family camping" has led to the success of many campgrounds. It also has given many families, especially large families, an opportunity to go out camping at an affordable price.

However, a little farther down that same page, they write - The camping rates are based on family units. One site equals one family, one family equals Dad, Mom, and up to 4 dependent children. Anybody else is considered a visitor or an overnight guest and is expected to register as such at the camp office and will be charged $12.50 per person, per night. Those who fail to register are considered to be trespassers, and may be prosecuted.

Ohhhh. OK, so let me get this straight. You offer affordable camping for large families, but if the "large" family has more than four kids, then they must pay $12.50 per child, per night or you'll prosecute them for trespassing. I see. Yep, that sounds pretty family friendly to me. I never realized that a family with four children is considered large and having more than four children is considered grounds for legal action and punishment.

Although an extra $25 a night may not sound like a lot of money, we will never camp at this "family friendly" (and I use the term lightly) place. It's a matter of principle! Instead we will be spending our weekend at Holiday Acres where you pay one price for your family no matter how many children you have. Maybe there aren't acres of happy people there, but there are sure to be people on holiday and holidays are good. Especially when you can bring ALL your children with you.

Twenty-one More Days! (not that I'm counting)

I went to Target yesterday to buy some diapers and somehow managed to ring up a $100 bill by the time I left. Target does that to me. I go in to buy one thing, but manage to leave with two dozen things that, despite the fact that they weren't on my list, I decided I needed.

So I'm walking up and down the aisles of "Carget", as my 3 year old calls it, and I behold the most glorious sight! The store filled with doves, a choir of angels sang and a light from Heaven shone down illuminating the display of ::::drumroll:::: BACK TO SCHOOL SUPPLIES! Yes, it's almost that most wonderful time of the year and it can't come soon enough. I ran into a teacher friend of mine while at the store and she asked me if I was ready for school. I glanced at my baby trying to stand up in the cart, my 3 year old old running down the aisle laughing like he just broke out of an insane asylum, my 6 year old telling me that she'd somehow broken her glasses again, my 8 year old interrupting me to ask if I'd buy him some baseball cards, my 11 year old chasing my 3 year old in an effort to get him to stop and my 12 year old hitting my 8 year old for no apparent reason. "What do you think?!" I retorted.

She told me that she was definitely not ready for school to begin. Ahhh, there's the difference between parents and teachers. I'm a huge proponent of year round school. The kids attend school the same number of days, but those days are more spread out during the year. The advantage is that the kids' brains don't turn to pudding during the long summer break, teachers don't have to spend the first two months of school reviewing all the things that were sucked out of the kids' memories during the summer, parents and students get more frequent, much needed breaks throughout the year. And although the kids still have a nice summer vacation, they're back in school before the "I'm bored"s set in.

My mother-in-law, who works at a food pantry, called to see if she could borrow my two oldest kids to help her with some volunteer work tomorrow. "I'll pick them up at 8:00 and bring them back around 4:00. Is that ok?"

"Is it ok? Is it ok??? Hell yes! Take 'em for the whole day! Take 'em for two days! In fact, I'll throw in the other four kids as well! No charge!"

I'm looking forward to a little peace tomorrow. And I'm looking forward to a lot of peace in twenty-one days. Oh wait! It's after midnight! Woo Hoo!!! Twenty days!