Crying Tears of Joy

I HAVE to share these. I've received several letters like these, but these were the only two I could find without spending a month going through my saved mail. I cried when I read them. I bawled! I really don't want to sound like I'm tooting my own horn, but I am so happy that I've been able to do this. To brighten someone's day like this.


Dawn, I'll keep this short as I know you are busy.

Not only do I want to say "Thanks" for making ME laugh - but more importantly - THANK YOU FOR MAKING MY SISTER LAUGH !!!

She has been going through one of those marriage ending episodes (don't worry, I'll spare you the details) but for the last month - everytime I talk to her she has been crying. UNTIL TODAY - someone forwarded a copy of your auction and blog today and she forwarded it to me. Before she did, she called me LAUGHING and said I had to read this.

I can't thank you enough for bringing a little laughter into my sister's life today.

Very grateful,
XXXXX

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normally, i'd never email but tonight it's a must. i feel compelled to share with you. i have 5 kids 12, 10, 8, 6, 4....breastfeeding seemed to have spaced them that way......ha.....that and my hubby's deployments.....he's a Marine and in iraq since jan. so, tonight i was absolutely ready to LOSE it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was in tears after the kids went to bed.......really bad evening......and sitting here wondering what am i doing??? what kind of mother am i and how am i raising my children???? and no, i don't beat them senseless or anything......just let them get their way waaaayyyyy too much i guess. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! somehow typing that makes me feel better.......i had just emailed my husband to tell them what an evening it's been, feeling kinda guilty for having to send that from the homefront. anyway, i was going to delete the fwd (your ebay thing) that i got from a friend because i just don't have time for it........and popped it open anyhow. even though i am totally wiped out and it's a school night it was too good so i had to check out your blog......

now you have me sitting at my computer in a full on cry.......all i have to say is that God led me to your crazy blog.....crazy and so beautiful. hooray for another mom out there with the greatest perspective on things. you really gave me my jolt that i needed to put my boots back on and get back to the joy and humor that i seemed to have misplaced, along with my purse in the past few hours. thanks. your life is cherished and appreciated. you're really great. like i said, i never read these things but i'm so thankful i did tonight. i know that God answered my prayer through you and my smile in my heart is back. thanks for getting me through a really rough night. God bless~ XXXX

Doesn't it make you cry?

Robin Williams on Speed

LOL! Look at my buddy map at the bottom of this blog! Three days ago it looked like it had the chicken pox with a few scattered red dots. Now it looks like someone shot it and there's blood everywhere! Red dots all over!

I've gotten so much mail and oh my gosh - some of them were so funny, I about wet MY pants! You guys crack me up! I know I said I'd post some of the comments on my blog, but I've received nearly 10,000 emails and honestly don't know where to start! I want to apologize to all of you who have taken the time to write, compliment my writing, share your story, or ask me a question. I just cannot respond to all the mail I'm getting. This will probably all die down in a day or two and then maybe I can get back to all of you. Please don't think I'm ignoring your questions and requests. It's just that I can only read so fast and now and then I have to change a diaper and throw my kids some food. (Notice I didn't say vacuum or dust or anything even remotely related to cleaning?) My house looks like it's been lived in by grizzly bears. Smelly grizzly bears looking for food after hibernation.

Today was the second day of school and ordinarily I'd be ecstatic that the gang is back in school. In fact, I've been known to do a little happy dance of joy on my kitchen table the first day of school. What can I say - some moms meet up for coffee the first day, I dance on my kitchen table. So, usually, I'd be thrilled. Today, however my oldest daughter woke up and said she was too sick to go to school. It's the SECOND day! You can't pull that yet! Not until at least November! (Actually, she does have a sinus infection and an ear infection and I know she wasn't feeling too great.) My oldest son got ready for school like he usually does.
ME: Are your teeth brushed?
AJ: I don't remember.
ME: You don't remember if you brushed your teeth?
AJ: Today?
ME: YES TODAY!
AJ: walking off to brush his teeth
ME: five minutes later Are you ready? Did you brush your teeth? Do you have your backpack? Got your lunch?
AJ: staring at the t.v. which should really never be on in the morning
ME: Hello?
AJ: What?
ME: Are you ready to go?
AJ: Yes.
ME: I look at his feet and notice he doesn't even have shoes on.
I give up. And of course, he forgot his lunch. IT'S THE SECOND DAY! :::sigh:::

Anyway, I got him to school, came home to get the other kids up and going. This is my six year old's first year of going to school all day. She, much like her mother, doesn't do mornings. She slept until 10:00 or 11:00 every day this summer. It's been fun getting her up the past two days. That kid can sleep! It's like she's coming out of anesthesia every morning. My nine year old, on the other hand, jumps out of bed before the sun and is wired for sound. This is my kiddo with ADHD. He takes medication so he can function in school. His teachers love him. And why wouldn't they? They get Dr. Jekyll. I'm left with a veritable Mr. Hyde in the morning before his medicine kicks in and in the evening after it wears off. Actually, he isn't so much like Mr. Hyde as he is like Robin Williams in his Mork days. No, that's not quite right either. More like Robin Williams on speed. Robin Williams in his Mork days on speed. And sugar. And caffeine. Lots and lots of caffeine.

If you're wondering, I've gotten several offers from publishers because of this auction. I've been emailed by people at C-Span, Nickelodeon, a radio station in Tampa, The St. Petersburg Times, Fox 19 Morning News, and several others. Someone asked me to do a podcast. I don't even know what a podcast is! I don't know what to do with all this so I think I'll run away and hide under a rock for a while.

Oh yes - I thought this was starting to die down a bit, but I just checked my stat counter and apparently I've had over 94,000 hits today. I just can't even conceive of a number that large.

OK it's time for me to go to bed and lay there awake all night freaking out about all this attention. Have a good one everyone!

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Addendum: I've been corrected. Knott's Berry Farm is NOT, I repeat NOT in San Diego. Several insulted Californians pointed out my grievous error. :D

Also, a few of you said that you think you went to high school with me. You probably didn't, but that's ok. I always think I went to school with the people in those Classmates.com ads.

Someone just suggested I find a way to use this "fame" and add to my family's income. You have no idea how awesome that would be. Believe me. We live paycheck to paycheck and we're usually a month behind. Kids tend to do that. I don't have the slightest clue how to do this. Anyone? Anyone? Buehler?

The Answer Is...

Today I've had 77,000 hits to this blog. :::shaking head::: It blows my mind.
I stopped counting after the first three thousand pieces of email I received today. Although the auction is over, people are still leaving me tons of comments through Ebay.

Time for a little more question and answer - the part of the show where you ask me questions and I answer.

YOU: How old are you?
ME: Would you believe 29? No? My kids don't buy it either.

YOU: Did you grow up in New York?
ME: Nope. Although my three year old says "coffee" like his godmother (and much like Coffee Talk's Linda Richman) on Long Island.

YOU: Was the picture of you as a kid sitting by that statue taken at Wisconsin Dells?
ME: Nope, it was taken at Knott's Berry Farm in San Diego.

YOU: Would you like a job listing auctions on Ebay?
ME: Oh gosh no!

YOU: Do you homeschool?
ME: Are you outta your minds?! I know there are many benefits to homeschooling and kudos to all you who do (and from what I've read, there are many of you), but I really don't think I could give my kids a better education than what they're receiving in school. Oh yeah - and then there's the fact that I hardly have the patience to help them with their homework.

YOU: Are you a professional writer?
ME: No. I'm a professional diaper changer. I didn't go to college. I've never taken any writing courses. I actually wrote up that auction in about a half an hour.

YOU: How many kids are you planning on having total?
ME: Two.

YOU: Can you tell us how you made that cake?
ME: Yes. I'll write it in the comments under the cake post. It might take a day or two before I get to it.

YOU: Your husband must really cherish your sense of humor.
ME: I try not to let him see it for fear that I'll lose all power if he thinks I'm a pushover.

YOU: In reference to the picture of my three year old in the Stitch costume with the Darth Vader mask How can that poor kid see to walk?
ME: That poor kid has never walked. Ever. He runs.

YOU: Are you always sarcastic?
ME: I'm never sarcastic.
During a parent/teacher conference when my oldest was in kindergarten, his teacher told me, "Aj has an interesting sense of humor. He's sarcastic. Kids this age don't usually "get" sarcasm." Blushing guiltily, I replied, "Umm yeah, it comes from his father."

YOU: Would you consider doing a reality t.v. show?
ME: NOOOOOO! Are you kidding? You guys think I have patience now. If there were cameras following me around all day, you'd see that I lose my cool and yell at my kids on a regular basis.

YOU: Can I put a link to your auction/blog on my blog?
ME: Of course! From my stat counter I can see where people are coming from when they visit my blog. Although there were several from digg, fark, and reddit yesterday and this morning, they seem to have left and now I'm getting all these hits from mom's groups. Lots and lots of mom's message boards and parenting forums and such from across the world.

YOU: You're invited to join our group. Please stop by.
ME: I would love to join all your wonderful groups, but alas I don't think I could possibly find the time to contribute anything. When things settle down, I will stop by though.

YOU: Do you really shop at the Target on Randall in Algonquin?
ME: I have no idea where this is. I'm not sure where everyone got the idea that I shop there. I guess all the packages of ground round with fingerprints in them.

YOU: Which do you dislike more - taking your kids to the grocery store or to the post office?
ME: Yes.

YOU: Alton Brown had Kool Aid pickles on his show and they're big here in Mississippi. Have you ever tried them?
ME: Are you serious?! You EAT these?

YOU: You should be on Oprah.
ME: ROFL ROFL PIMP!!!!!!!

::::::::::drumroll::::::::::

And the number one question from YOU: Did the person who won pay you for the cards?

ME: Well, funny thing about that. The person who won the cards was actually a friend of mine! She changed her Ebay ID so I wouldn't recognize her. She has five little ones under the age of eight and her husband is in the military so she often has to go it alone. Now she understands how a grocery trip can drive you to drink. She wanted them for posterity and for the laugh. And yes, she popped a check in the mail so Paypal wouldn't take a cut.

And a couple of my favorite quotes from your mail...

"I have been mostly dead all day."

"It's inconceivable how a person could not like that movie!"

In reference to the woman with the kids who always behave perfectly "Her kids only behave because they're afraid of being beaten by the stick that's up her butt."

In reference to parenting "The days are long, but the years are short."


I want to apologize because apparently I've made a lot of moms wet their pants today. I'm sincerely sorry from the bottom of my heart. Having six children myself, I know what it's like to have to cross your legs when you laugh or sneeze. I will put Incontinence Warnings on my posts from now on.

I also want to thank all the military folk out there. So very many of you wrote to say that your husbands were deployed and you were going it alone. Thank you to your husbands for serving and protecting! And thank you to you for going it alone so they can serve and protect.

-------------------------------------------

Creative title, no? I'm just speechless. And anyone who knows me, knows that NEVER happens. I'm still working my way through mail that's coming in faster than I can read, let alone respond to. I thought I'd just post a couple quick highlights from the thousands of comments I've received.

QUESTION: Are they all yours?
ME: That is SO funny! ROFL! Did you just come up with that?

QUESTION: Maybe I just didn't catch the sarcasm, but your feet aren't really amputated, are they?
ME: Yes, they are. Did you catch the sarcasm that time?

I've had numerous comments from people who'd had a bad day, who'd just received bad news, who had recently had surgery and were in pain, or who had just gotten home from a horrid shopping trip with their little ones. They thanked me for brightening their day and giving them a laugh. They thanked ME. Little ole me. Plain, ordinary me. Wow what a boost! Let me tell ya, it feels great to know I made someone feel better.

I've also had countless people write to tell me their own shopping experiences. (I'm saving those to read later.) Thank you for sharing!

I've had innumerable emails from moms (and dads and grandparents and teenagers) telling me that they could totally relate to my story and thanking me for letting them know they are not alone.

I had one (literally ONE out of the thousands of emails) person write and tell me that her kids always behave perfectly in public and are never a source of public humiliation. To her I said-
:::sound of crickets::: OK, that about sums up my response.

For anyone interested in numbers -

As of right now, I've had 18,417 people hit this blog today (despite the fact that the traffic had it down for a while there this morning.)

I've had 149, 023 people hit my auction.

I have 2,736 watchers on this auction.

I've had 1/2 a cup of coffee instead of my usual 6 because I feel like throwing up from all this attention.

I had to call in 2 reinforcements (ie grandma and grandpa) to watch the little ones today so I could sit on my butt reading mail.

I've had 18 finger cramps from typing too much.

I've had 3 job offers.

And we've got about 2 hours to go on this auction!

Overwhelming Email from the Globe!

Remember when I had 500 hits to this blog in one day? :::sigh::: Yep, those were the good ole days. Today I've had almost 11,000 and the number is still climbing. No, that's not a typo. ALMOST ELEVEN THOUSAND! Yesterday I felt so popular and loved. Today, I'm sitting here, staring at this screen, glazed expression on my face, drooling, sweating and starting to hyperventilate.

I so wanted to reply to each and every comment because first off, you took the time to write and I appreciate it. And secondly, there were some really wonderful, humorous comments in there. However, I can't even keep up reading all the comments, let alone replying to them. I've had over 1000 comments on this auction. They're literally filling my box faster than I can read them (and I'm a speedy reader!) What this means is - there are a whole lot of people out there who can relate to the trials and tribulations and joys of motherhood! We're not alone! In fact, there are so many of us, we may be able to take over the world if we play our cards right. ;)

A couple people suggested I post some of the comments on here and I think it's a wonderful idea! Give me a couple days *read a year and a half* to compile a list and check back for them. In case you're interested, I've had visits from the following countries...

US
UK
Canada
Chile
Australia
Germany
Hong Kong
Netherlands
Mexico
New Zealand
Mauritius
Czech. Republic
Austria
Ireland
Sweden
Belgium
Norway
Colombia
Italy
India
Denmark
Greece
France
Panama
Saudi Arabia
Portugal
Philippines
Japan
Republic of Korea
Singapore
Brazil
Macao
Serbia & Montenegro
Turkey
Argentina
Peru
Switzerland
Indonesia
Malaysia
Virgin Islands
Uruguay
Puerto Rico
Costa Rica
Jamaica
Wales
Iceland
Kenya
Sri Lanka
Croatia
Guatemala
Estoria
Armenia
South Africa
Bermuda
Kuwait
Lithuania
Slovenia
Bangladesh
Finland
Thailand
Maldives
Poland
Cyprus
Romania
Russian Federation
United Arab Emirates
Isreal

Whew! It's like I'm an announcer for the Olympics!

About a million people have asked me how to subscribe to my blog. I have NO idea! I'm completely computer stupid. If anyone has a clue, I'd be much obliged if you could clue me in.

So many of you have made wonderful comments on my blog as well. I'm trying to put them all on here. I want to return the favors and visit your blogs and websites too. I'm a little inundated right now, but will make every effort to do so in the next couple weeks.

I took my daughter to the doctor this morning and was all prepared to come home and post about my visit to the doctor when I logged on to a billion pieces of mail. (Notice the numbers keep climbing?) :D Anyway, that one will have to wait.

Thank you again to everyone who has read, commented, and passed this on to friends!

Coming Back Down to Earth

OK, I've had over 900 hits to this blog today. Whew! I'm getting all these wonderful comments on my auction that are swelling my head something terrible. I've only done one load of laundry today because someone as magnificent as I clearly am, should not have to stoop to doing laundry. Someone with talent of this caliber should simply not have to do chores.

:::snort:::

OK, It's definitely time to make a little fun of myself in an effort to bring me back down to earth. I'm sorry about the picture quality. My scanner doesn't work with Vista (coughcoughconspiracy) so these are pictures of pictures.
Here we go...


And thus began my legacy of bad hair.


Yes, my parents made me sleep on a shelf.


I always say my kids are going to drive me to drink. Now I see it was my PARENTS who started me on that path!


The predecessor to the down vest. An attractive look, no? I wish I knew what was on my finger. I'd probably just picked my nose or something.


This is what happens if your parents forget to pack your blankie when you go to visit relatives. What??? You've never sucked your thumb while holding a cat's tail?


Unlike my daughters, I've never been especially fond of shoes. Orthopaedic comfort before style.


"You're serious? THIS is my Christmas present? But I asked for a tricycle!"


Even back then, I tried to hide my big butt with baggy clothing.
But even worse - check out the curtains!!!


Stacy! Clinton! HELP!!!


Yeah, I don't know - my dad always took pictures of me sitting next to inanimate people. But check out those snazzy pants! FORE!


The infamous smocked-top dress. No first day of kindergarten would be complete without it.


I know what you're thinking - why are those boys in dresses? I'm embarrassed to admit that those boys are actually me and my sister. See? We're holding dandelions. That's a girly thing to do.


Ummm, I'm pretty sure this outfit was NEVER in style.


Now boarding, flight 129, nonstop service to Orlando, at gate 23.
Nice barrettes, by the way!


What's with the tie, Colonel Sanders?


This is what a can of Aquanet can do. Just don't light any matches near that hair!
Oh and the eyebrows! Look familiar?

FIVE HUNDRED!!!

I've had nearly 500 people look at my blog today. Almost FIVE HUNDRED!!! Up until yesterday, my mom was pretty much the only one who read this. It's really cool to have so many people reading my nonsense. I feel like the 90 pound, blue-eyed, blond cheerleader who dates the quarterback and stands at the top of the pyramid. Ever so popular.

However, do you have any idea how much pressure this puts on me?! I'm hyperventilating, thinking that I'll never come up with another funny thing to say as long as I live.

As I typed that last sentence, my 3 year old walked by sporting a Stitch costume (from Lilo and Stitch), a pink, cone shaped princess hat, a Darth Vader mask, and a light saber. (The kids were bored and got into the Halloween box.) OK, :::deep breath::: I might just be able to come up with a few more funny things about which to write after all.

crazy baby

I found this on You Tube. This baby's laughter is positively infectious! You can't NOT laugh along!

Patience is a Lost Virtue

For ye have need of patience, that,
after ye have done the will of God,
ye might receive the promise.

Hebrew 10:36

I seem to run out of patience a little too easily these days. I remember back to when I was a kid. My mom never yelled. Seriously, I can't recall a time when she raised her voice. She never seemed to "lose it". Of course, my sister and I didn't give her much cause to lose her temper or patience with us. I'm pretty sure we never smeared a tub of butter on the carpeting, buried her car keys in the sandbox, or finger painted with yogurt on the t.v. The past two weeks my children have been acting like little demons and not a day has gone by where I haven't lost my patience and yelled like a lunatic. I think the fine art of patience is disappearing.

In our world of instant gratification where microwave ovens enable us to put food on the table in mere minutes, and stores are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, we don't have to wait for much. When we want something, we no longer weigh the benefits against the cost and save our money until we can make the purchase. Charge cards let us get whatever we want, whenever we want it with little consideration to how we'll pay for it later.

The internet has given us many benefits (for example, we can read my blog :D). Kids no longer have to go to the library and use the card catalog to locate books and gather information for school reports. They can log on, and with a few quick clicks, have a wealth of information pertaining to their subject right at their fingertips. We don't have to wait until a favorite show comes on t.v. With hundreds of channels and innovations like TiVo, we can pretty much view whatever we want at any given time.

We get mad if it takes too long for our nail polish to dry or if the person in front of us at the drive-through places a large order making us wait another whole minute for our food. We get impatient when we're in a hurry and our kids insist we stop and look at every bug, flower, and piece of garbage they see on the sidewalk.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that all these conveniences are bad. But, I believe, they do come with a price. I want my children to grow up to be patient individuals. I want them to know what it's like to work hard and save up for a car. I want them to be able to wait and weigh the pros and cons of a decision instead of jumping right in. I think the best way to teach this is to model it myself. Boy, do I have my work cut out for me!

OK enough of that lest I be accused of being :::gasp::: serious!

On a completely unrelated note, this is what I found in the shower this morning.

In case you can't tell - that's a bar of soap with a set of teeth marks in it. Mmmmm, nothing like a little Lever 2000 to start your day. "Lever 2000, for all your 2000 parts, including your stomach, small intestines, colon....."

Duff Goldman has Nothing on Me ;)

Eat your heart out, Ace of Cakes! ;)

I know you probably think this is the actual R2D2 model from the Star Wars movies because it is just SO lifelike. But it's not. It's cake! This is Boo's birthday cake. Cake decorating - just another one of my astounding talents. :::snort:::

It did actually turn out pretty cool though. Well, at first anyway. By the time I cut it, little R2 had started tipping back. In fact, he'd tipped so far back that my son had to kinda hold the top on while I cut it. I tried to convince everyone that I'd made it like that on purpose so it looked like he was moving. It's not a lie. It's more of a "creative embellishment." Note to self - bamboo skewers can NOT be used in place of dowel rods.

OK, diet starts THIS Monday.

Now a Word From Our Baby

Hi, it's me, Baby! My mom is walking around picking up toys and muttering to herself something about being a maid. Between you and me, she sounds a little crazy right now. I just wanted to take a minute and let you know that she won't be blogging tonight because she's busy cleaning up my messes. :::giggle giggle::: Now I have to go and pull off my diaper so I can do a little fingerpainting with its contents. Buh bye!

The Joy of Potty Training

So I was talking about potty training with my friends and there was a great debate on how to get those bowels to move from the diaper to the toilet. <---get it? bowels to move, bowel movement, get it? ROFL! Hey, it's late! Anyway, we were arguing, I mean discussing like nice adults, about which potty training methods are best. Of course we all know there's more than one way to skin a cat. That's just an expression, of course. I've never actually skinned a cat, nor do I know how many ways there really are to skin a cat. Come to think of it, I can't even fathom a reason why anyone would want to skin a cat. Who came up with that saying anyway??? I just wanted to clear that up so I don't get any hate mail from any crazy, old ladies who own cats. Not that old ladies who own cats are crazy, of course. Excuse me while I remove my foot from my mouth. OK then. Where were we? Oh yes, potty training. I've potty trained five out of my six kids so far. When my firstborn son turned two, I decided, somewhere in my new mom brain, that it was indeed the official age to begin potty training. Unfortunately my son did not share my enthusiasm and thus began a very long (nearly three year) stint of trying to get him to pee on the toilet. Well, actually I tried to get him to pee IN the toilet. Peeing ON the toilet is what he and all the other males in my household do now.

I decided I'd had enough torture in the potty training venue, so when my second child came along, I figured I'd let her wear diapers until she went college. Luckily I didn't need to wait that long. She wanted princess underwear and that was that. Overnight ::poof:: she was trained. I personally like that method much, much better than sitting the child on the toilet every hour or so until they catch on. That's just my opinion. My other three trained at different ages, in their own time, but just as easily.

I'm just wondering how you've done/will do the potty training thing. Any funny stories about training? Leave me a comment and share your wisdom!