Saturday, June 20, 2009

Evil Funnel Cakes

I'm sorry I've been missing in action. I've had a umm, hectic week to say the least, but things are falling into place and getting better. And summer has finally hit in Chicago. We went from shivering in 50 degree weather at our kids' baseball games, to sweating in 89 degrees with 4000% humidity overnight. We've had so much rain that I spent yesterday searching for the schematics to build an ark that I printed out last year when my town flooded.

Two days ago, at Savannah's softball game, the little kids were lying on the ground coloring with markers. Clay got bored coloring and stacked 3 markers together in a kind of makeshift light saber. Because playing with weapons is always a good idea. Anyway, this looked like fun to Brooklyn who did the same thing. Except she decided she wanted ALL of the markers so she ran around, chasing Clayton, screaming and whining that she wanted his markers too. Right on cue, Clay took off teasing and taunting her just to make her scream a little louder because not everyone within a 15 mile radius could hear her.

Meanwhile, I was trying to videotape Savannah pitching so I didn't immediately intervene. As the inning ended and I started walking toward Brooklyn, the umpire (a teenage girl with an attitude) said, to no one in particular, "Someone better give that brat what she wants!" Little did she know I was the mother of said "brat". I looked at her and said, "Actually, no, I'm not going to give in to her demands." The ump muttered, "I'm sorry."

Then I walked over to Brooklyn and told her to scream a little louder.

After the game, I took the kids to a nearby festival for a couple hours. The kids went on a couple rides and I listened to the band with my friend Doreen for a little bit. When we left, I ordered a couple funnel cakes, brought them home, and used them to bribe the kids to shower and get ready for bed. I even Twittered about this. I believe I said something like, "Mmmm funnel cakes! I could live on funnel cakes!"

At 5:00AM, I woke up, sick to my stomach. Now, you have to know that I hate, hate, hate to throw up. I mean, I'm sure no one really LIKES to vomit, but I absolutely detest it! My friend Sue and I have talked about this. Whereas most people would get to a point of such pain and discomfort, they would welcome the relief that comes with vomiting, we would do anything and everything in our power to avoid it. I'd rather lie, writhing in pain all night then to give up and throw up. I'd rather have diarrhea every day for the rest of my life than to vomit even once. I pray profusely whenever I get that stomachache that tells me its contents are about to be evacuated. "Please God, I beg of you, keep me from throwing up! Pleeeeeaaaaassssseeee! I'll do anything! I'll move to Africa and be a missionary. I'll give up funnel cakes forever! I'll stop yelling at my kids! Just say the word, God!"

As my stomach continued to feel worse and worse, I began to think that God wasn't listening to me. And really, what was He thinking when He designed humans with the ability to put their digestive systems in reverse anyway? What an awful, horrible way to get rid of the contents of our stomachs! In fact, the whole digestive process is pretty gross when you think about it. Before I got too far into my analysis of human digestion and how I'm sure I could've done a better job than God at designing people, I got that uncontrollable urge and ran to the bathroom. After emptying everything from my mouth down to my toes, I hopped in the shower to cry like a baby cool off and feel better. But no, oh no, my stomach wasn't done rebelling yet. I continued to throw up in the shower. (Yes, yes, I do need to share the graphic details with you.)

Now, here's the thing. I can't clean puke. Not mine, not my kids', no one's. I can't do it. Not, "I don't like to do it" but "I CAN'T do it!" The mere thought of it, makes me vomit. So, I did what any other normal person would do. I shut the shower door, taped a sign to it saying, "Do not use", and went back to bed. It's ok. We have another shower. If anyone ever barfs in that shower, we'll just move to another house. That's my plan and I'm sticking to it.


Sandy in Illinois said...

What are your plans for "enjoying" another funnel cake? Too bad you didn't barf into a towel. You could have just thrown it away. It is too hard to throw away a shower.

Jessica Samantha said...

Sorry that happened to you, Dawn. I really hope you feel better! I really hope that today is a better day. :S

Lynn Kellan said...

I'm a bad person, because I laughed at your misfortune. Please forgive.

Hope your tummy feels better.

JenT said...

Actually, wouldn't it be pretty easy to clean the shower? Just wash it down the drain with some sanitizer thrown in.

Jen@Scrapingirl said...

I thought I ws the only mom who felt this way. I stand in the hallway and wave my arm in, just to let them know I'm there for them. But that's it. I have to turn the water on so I don't have to hear it also. I can't clean it either. I throw away the sheets. :) Or, I leave the cleaning to my hubby. And if he's not home, he comes home for that very reason.

GrammaMack said...

Poor you! And I am the very same way. I always feel like I'm going to suffocate. Give me diarrhea any day! (Well, you know what I mean.)

Tracy S said...

So I'm not the only one that can't clean up puke? Good to know!!

It's not an "it's gross, I don't want to do it" thing. I literally dry heave the whole time. Hubby saw this the first time one of our kids was sick and said, "let me clean it up, I don't want to have to clean up after you too!" Good point!

I'll do it if he's not home, but ugh, the dry heaves are gross.

Luckily, I don't have the same problem with baby spit up b/c whoa baby, our youngest had reflux and the amount of spit up that came out of the kid (onto me 80% of the time!).

Rhianna said...

Its called emetophobia and I am totally w/ ya! I thought I was alone and it was a made up "condition" but no its real. Mines so bad that I dont want to have kids bc these said children may one day contract some sorta virus and puke.

Its really sad.

Heather said...

Sorry you weren't well. :(

(And are there plans to change the Bloglines feed back so I can read your whole message there rather than getting "Click on over to my blog to read the rest of the story..."?)

Amy in Douglas, NE said...

I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only one who'd have told my youngest to keep screaming if the ump made a snide remark about it.

And, I thought I was the only one that prayed not to puke when her tummy got upset. Honestly, I'm with ya on that one --- "Please God, just don't make me puke. Anything buy puking." My fear of cleaning puke is so bad that I taught both my boys to puke into the toilet by the age of 1. The first time both of them puked, I hung them over the toilet and looked the other way. And, then told them over and over again that they can only puke in the toilet. So far, so good. Both boys still puke only in the toilet, once they realize they're puking.

Unfortunately, my hubby's gag reflex is worse than mine -- he can't even change gross diapers without getting the heaves. Poor guy. But, he does the laundry.

M. Biddle said...

I used to get motion sickness as a kid and it was horrid. When I was ten I got a twenty-four hour stomach virus and "gave all that I had and then some". I vowed then that I would never do that again.

I am forty (as of today...happy birthday to me!) and I have kept that promise. Even when I was pregnant I never did.

I get completely freaked out if I get a tummy bug, afraid I'll break my vow.

It's probably how I will leave this earth. Ugh.

Unknown said...

I am also with you on the anit-vomiting thing. It is my worst fear, seriously. Unfortunately, my husband can be a real, um, not nice man, so I always end up cleaning after the kids when they do it, while shaking and freaking out the whole time. We have three kids, and unfortunately the last one is quite the puker. That is one of the reasons why I am so done having kids. I am constantly praying that none of us will get a tummy bug or have to throw up for any reason.

Anyway, I hope your family stays well and there won't be any more vomiting in your house- ever!

Anonymous said...

I thought my best friend and I were the only ones to pray not to vomit. We have often joked that we could not be bulimic (sp?). I will be so sick and my husband will tell me to just make myself throw up, it will make me feel better. Is he kidding?????? The very thought of it makes me sick.
Feeling a little queasy right now.

Susan (5 Minutes For Mom) said...

I am soooo sorry to hear!!!

And I with you on the vomit thing. I actually have an anxiety disorder where one of my major triggers is the fear of throwing up. Problem is when I get a panic attack, I usually vomit and pass out. Not good.

So it's a vicious cycle... I start to feel sick, I panic, I throw up and often pass out. It really is awful... and I actually am heavily medicated to deal with the ridiculous problem.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure you have read that ginger will almost always stop the urge to vomit. Try mixing half a teaspoonful each of powdered ginger and sugar for a upset tummy.

I have also been told that taking a sip of vinegar will kill the germs from food poisoning or 'good pickle juice' if plain vinegar isn't available.

Hope you never need this information.


Lu, Poppies Blooming said...

Funily enough (or should I say funnel ly enough) this post ended right next to your copyright notice. Not to be unkind, but you probably won't need to worry about this post. I'm thinking it probably isn't the post to plagiarise lol!

Happy Father's Day to Joe!

Love from London,

Abby said...

So sorry to hear you were sick. =(

I recently figured out that I'm completely freaked out by puking in the toilet, but I'm fine with a trash can/bag that I can throw away! Toilets just gross me out.

Meg said...

I am fine w/ throwing up myself, but don't ask me to clean up after the kids! It makes me gag and want to vomit myself. Luckily DH is usually around and he does clean up. I'm SO not good at that.

Hope you feel better soon.

Genevieve said...

You are not alone, I'm another one who can't clean up puke without the very real risk of adding to it. I pray not to puke myself, I go to extreme lengths to avoid people with tummy bugs and freak at the least idea of being near anyone throwing up. When we have had tummy bugs hubby is banished to the couch and I don't go near him and wear ear plugs at night so I don't get woken up to hearing him in the toilet.

I DO NOT DO VOMIT. End of story.

Thank goodness hubby can handle it.

Hope you're feeling better Dawn!!

The Doutre Family said...

I'm not alone! I too am terrified, TERRIFIED of barfing! I'm currently on my 12th year of no barfing (and yes, I have 2 kids and didn't barf). I'm very proud of myself. Now that I said this (or typed it) outloud my winning streak will end. I love your blog! I'm a total blogger stalker but never leave comments. I'm just not cool enough!

Jennifer in Wisconsin said...

I 'guess' I could come to you house and clean it up since vomit doesn't bother me. Good thing too since all 3 of my pregnancies included at least 5 months of heaving my guts out daily. I lost so much weight during that time, that I, in a sick way, would like to be pregnant again, but not really, since I gain it ALL back and then some once the kids come out.

Michelle said...

Yep, puke is my husband's job. I think I'd be in your same boat without him! I hope you're feeling better today.

And bad ump. I hate when people make comments about kids (especially MINE!) out loud without knowing anything about them or what the situation is.

Anonymous said...

TMI admission coming up. I have to admit, I've done my share of puking in the shower. I had morning sickness so bad that everytime I tried to brush my teeth I'd puke, so I'd do it all in the shower... luckily the water washed it all away!!

Elizabeth said...

oh my gosh, I'm a hate to throw up kind of person, too. If I do get sick I'm pretty worthless for the rest of the day, and I cry like a baby, too. I'm so glad that most of the time I have a pretty strong stomach that doesn't rebel too often.

MaranathaMom said...

Your feelings about puke mirror my BFF's!!! I am sending her an email of this post...I just hope she doesn't throw up!

Jay said...

I also hate puking. Hate hate hate. The smell is a large contributing factor to my hatred of puke.

Live720 said...

I, too, had a funnel cake earlier and woke up at 1am feeling like I had to puke. I, too, have emetophobia and would rather die than vomit, truly. The last time I had a stomach virus I prayed that God would just take me. Yes, I'll admit it's pretty extreme.

I hope my night ends quite differently than yours. Did you have a bug or do you think it was the funnel cake?

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