Monday, September 27, 2010

Football 101 - Supplemental Glossary


Audible - this is when you can hear the coach screaming at the players from the concession stand. His voice was audible all the way from the parking lot.

Automatic first down - when the referee drops his yellow hanky on the field and the boys run over it and fall down on it, the ref gets mad because his hanky gets muddy and that's gross. Then he moves the football away from the players as punishment and says, "automatic first down".

Blocking - This is when a couple guys smash into each other. Sometimes it looks like they're dancing with each other, but don't say that aloud because shirtless, beer-swilling guys with their stomachs painted blue would be offended if you implied the players were anything less than manly. Unless they're on the opposing team. Then you can say what you want.

Bomb - this is why security has to check your bags before entering the stadium - to make sure you don't have any.

Carry - One of the cheerleaders on Lexi's squad.

Chain gang - sometimes prisoners have to be chained to each other and clean up the side of the highway as punishment for their crimes. If their crimes were really bad, they're chained to each other and forced to endure a football game while walking up and down the side of the field holding flags.

Completion - Something I'm still waiting for Austin to do with his homework.

Dead ball - if the players step on the ball with their pointy-bottomed shoes and it deflates, it's dead.

Down - goose feathers

Drop Kick - What Lucy did to Charlie Brown show after show

Eligible receiver - this is the term for the single, available men who catch the ball. This term could also be used for single women who line up to catch the bouquet at a wedding.

End zone - the place where the players spike the ball and dance

Extra point - it's like a game show - if the players answer the question correctly, they get an extra point

False start - When you tell all your friends and family that the game's at 2:00, but when you all get there, you realize you wrote the time down incorrectly and it doesn't really start until 3:00.

Field goal - The goal of the field is to...hmmm, I'm not sure what it is. I think it has something to do with kicking the ball.

Formation - See all the players in a bunch on the field? It's not totally random. I know! I was surprised too! It's actually a specific formation.

Fumble - This is what causes major booing from the crowd. You don't have to know what a fumble is. Just groan and shake your head in disappointment if you hear the word.

Goal posts - this is the thing that Mork is standing on at the end of the intro for Mork and Mindy. No, I have no idea how I remember useless stuff like this.

Gridiron - It's another name for a George Foreman grill. I'm not sure why it's in my glossary of football terms other than because George Foreman is a famous football player.

Halfback - Who is Quasimodo, Alex?

Hand-off - What I'm telling Savannah's homecoming date. What? Homecoming is the day after the big football game. See? It relates to football.

Hike - This is when the players walk the length of the field because 100 yards is quite a hike.

Horse Collar -

Huddle - This is what the parents do while watching their kids play. It usually involves warm blankets and coffee.

Interception - When the fans start groaning and the other side jumps up and down and screams in excitement and you try to figure out why everyone's moving in the opposite direction suddenly. See reverse.

Kickoff - When a player kicks the ball and his shoe flies off.

Offensive - This is referring to the smell that comes from the players after a game.

Pass - When a player hits on a girl

Pass interference - When the other players make fun of the guy making the pass - see above

Play - I know it looks just like a bunch of guys running around and jumping on each other, but it's actually a highly organized plan of Xs and Os moving in precise, strategic maneuvers called plays.

Possession - This is what overcame me when I agreed to let Jackson play football.

Quarterback - the guy who throws the ball and gets paid the most

Referee - the guy on the field in the zebra costume who always makes bad calls against your team and fails to see all the fouls the other team makes.

Reverse - when everyone on the field suddenly starts running in the opposite direction for some reason.

Right Guard - men's deodorant

Sack - another word for bag

Safety - This is what they call it when a player with the ball is tackled in his own end zone. It really should be called a screw-up though.

Scrimmage - I don't know what it means, but it's fun to say. Repeat after me, scrimmage, scrimmage, scrimmage...

Shotgun formation - See formation definition above, but this time the players have guns

Sidelines - Where the coaches stand to block your view of the field

Snap - The fastening device that holds up the players' pants

Tackle - A box of fishing lures and such

Touchdown - This is what the players spend two+ hours trying to do

Yard - It's the thing that gets covered in toilet paper for homecoming

Yellow flag - This is the stuff we spray to keep the bees away. Oh wait, that's Black Flag. Hmmm, maybe this is what the refs call their yellow hankies because it sounds more manly.


Kauseks said...

umm George Forman is a boxer :) I learned that from infomercials.. Hey nothings on when your up with a sick kid!

Jennifer said...

You know, you really would enjoy it more if you understood what was going on.

Even though your answers (guesses) are pretty funny.

SandyAnnDee said...

LOL! Love the horse collar. My daughter uses her sparkly belt as a collar/lease for her stuffed animals too.

Chris said...

Methinks you know a whole lot more about football than you're letting on!! Nice list, Dawn!! Chris in PA

Robin said...

I absolutely LOVE your vocabulary lesson! What it is about "hanky" that makes me giggle? Every time you talk about the ref throwing his hanky, I giggle! Thanks for the laughs!!

brent said...

you definitely have a gift. Please keep up the good work. I look forward to reading what you write every time you write it.

danger girl said...

My favorite part is when they lug out the chains with the big honkin' arrow to measure the exact distance between where one guy in a stripey shirt thinks the play started and where another guy in a stripey shirt thinks the play ended.

V1nce said...

Overtime - sucks. I have to make dinner at 8, someone score already!

Penalty Kick - when one player "accidentally" kicks an opposing player below the belt because they dared score.

Halftime - is set aside so the coaches can talk to their players in private so they can yell and curse a lot.

Anita M H said...

Oh, gosh, I was just in the middle of a difficult day and I'm so happy I took a few minutes to look at your blog.

This is hillarious. I haven't laughed this hard in quite a while. Thank you.

I think it totally beats knowing exactly what's going on, because there are some sports that I am just never going to understand the rules of.

I figure my brain only has room for a certain amount of sports info, and it's already filled up with ice hockey, football (soccer), and basket ball.

At least now I can laugh when I remember your definitions instead of feeling silly because I don't know what's going on.

agent713 said...

Now that's my kind of football! Well done!

Neckmeat said...

LOL Dawn I love reading your blog! You crack me up! You definitely got that referee definition correct! :)

Que said...

This is hilarious! I especially like the "dead ball". It's really great watching your education grow in the knowledge of America's Favorite sport. You should be proud. And it's even better that you a paying it forward. Knowledge like this shouldn't be held inside. You are breaking the mold and sharing all that your know (for FREE) to those who are not as fortunate as you (in the football knowledge area, that is). Lastly, thank you for making this easier for ME as well. Any time I get the inevitable question about football I will simply direct them to this post.

Sara said...

Nice to know you're still getting your continuous education points!

Jill in MA said...

You are so funny! You should write a book! ;-)

I'm Not a Trophy Wife said...

This is hilarious! Funny lady!
New to blogging... want to share this...

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