Monday, May 13, 2013

You Won't Believe my Excuse for Avoiding Exercise This Time!

At this time last year, I was all about working out. I started out walking a few blocks while feeling certain I was going into cardiac arrest. After a couple months, I was half-walking/half-running about 5K every day. Fast forward through a year of blood clots, a pulmonary embolism, plantar faciitis, and extreme laziness and here I am. I climb a flight of stairs, then gulp down oxygen while trying to hide the fact that I’m winded from walking up a dozen steps. And all the while, I’m vowing to start working out again. 

 Determined to get back into the groove of exercising regularly, I went for a walk yesterday. Instead of taking into account the fact that I can hardly make it up the stairs, I took off walking on my old 5K route. A smart person would have known that this little endeavor would not end well. Heck, even a stupid person would have probably known that. Clearly, I’m a level below stupid because I couldn’t see anything wrong with my plan.

It didn’t help that I’d spent the morning at the pool with my kids and was already tired from playing with the kids in the water. It also didn’t help that I was wearing jeans for this walk because “I didn’t want anyone to see my fat legs.” It also didn’t help that it was 92 degrees outside. Yeah, yeah, I know. But you’ve gotta give me points for blind determination, right?

So I started walking, moving along at a decent rate. I even made it to the halfway point without dropping dead so I figured I was doing pretty well. I reached the lake and made the turn to follow the shore around and start heading back. And then it happened. It’s not what you think. I didn’t pass out or throw up. I didn’t stop and sit down to rest. I didn’t lose my mind and jump into the foul-smelling, alligator-infested water to cool off. Nope. I was hit. By a fish. Falling from the sky. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

There I was just walking along, minding my own business, listening to my tunes when a fish-bomb pegged me on the shoulder. I kind of freaked out. What am I saying? Of course, I freaked out! Fish rarely come flying out of the sky and land on people. In fact, I can safely say that this has never happened to me before. So I freaked out and jumped and tried to figure out what had hit me and who had thrown it. It took me what seemed like 5 minutes before I realized that a bird flying overhead had targeted me with his catch of the day.

I fumbled with my phone, trying to unlock it and go from Pandora to my camera so I could get visual proof of the fish lying lifeless on the sidewalk, but before I could untangle myself from my ear buds and get my act together, the kamikaze bird dove for my head. I assumed the duck and cover position while screaming like an idiot and dancing around, not because I was scared, mind you, but because I was pretty sure that would be an effective bird-deterrent move. Oh, who am I kidding? I jumped around like an idiot because it’s human nature to jump around like an idiot when a bird dive bombs you. And I’m a big baby. And birds freak me out in a Hitchcock sort of way.

As the bird came closer, he veered toward the sidewalk and swooped in, grabbing the fish. He spared me a glance and I’m pretty sure he laughed at me before flying off. Shaken from my run-in with the psycho bird, I hightailed it out of there. I got about a block away when I was pretty sure I was going to pass out. I’m blaming it on the waning surge of bird-induced adrenaline.

I texted Savannah, Help! I’m dying!

She wrote back, Uhm

I continued, What a stupid idea!

She asked, Want me to get you?

Yes! And bring my purse!

A moment later, she pulled up in my van and like a big loser, I climbed in and plastered my face against the vents blasting cold air.

“Are you okay?” she asked. “I thought you got stung by a bee and asked for your purse so you could get your epi-pen!”

“No, no bees. I was attacked by a bird and a fish. And I’m out of shape. The purse is so you can drive me to Walgreens for chocolate.”

I’m pretty sure Savannah will never answer my texts again. I’m also fairly certain that I’ll be finding some nice safe indoor exercise from now on.

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