Wednesday, February 23, 2011

It's Not Just a Movie Store

I went to my local library today. Did you know that libraries have BOOKS? For 18 years, I thought my library was a Blockbuster. I selected three DVDs many deep, thought-provoking books. Upon checking out, I was informed I had an overdue fine from March, 2010. For a writer, that's pretty sad. Oh, who am I kidding? That's sad for a human! Seriously, I haven't been to the library in a YEAR?! And the fine? Yeah, it was for a Will Ferrell movie.

"Oh, my ex husband must have checked that out on my card," I stammered.

The librarian stared at me, unconvinced.

I shoved my hands in my pockets, looked down at my shoes and whistled. "So, um, how 'bout them Cubs? You think they have a chance this year? Ahem."

Honestly, after that scene, I felt a little embarrassed asking the librarian if she'd be interested in having me speak there. But I asked anyway. I told her the title of my newest book, You'll Lose the Baby Weight (and Other Lies About Pregnancy and Childbirth). She asked me if it was a book about weight loss. I wet my pants, may have snorted laughed until I was doubled over with cramps.

The librarian maintained her no-nonsense expression. I straightened, cleared my throat, and asked, "Do you want it to be a book about weight loss? It could be a book about weight loss. I do tons of exercise I'd be happy to talk about. I do toe touches every day to stay limber and flexible. I pick up shoes, coats, granola bar wrappers, gummy bears, potato chip crumbs, socks, games, cheese, videotapes, pennies, tea cups, crayons, remote controls, Barbies, turtle food, those stupid plastic bracelets, Matchbox cars, and the occasional wombat.

And just today, I washed all the bedding and made the bunk beds. That's a workout worthy of any triathlete. Seriously, have you ever tried that? Balancing on the rungs of the stupid ladder alone takes Herculean strength, flexibility, and the ability to get along with no feeling in the bottom of your feet for the rest of the day.

The librarian still stared at me, unmoved.

"Um no, no it's not a book on weight loss. It's just funny stuff about pregnancy," I meekly admitted.

I don't need to call her; she'll call me. Next time, I'll use the eye patch and say, "Ahoy! I be needin' t' speak about me new book at yer library." That ought to do it.


Kristen said...

I loved your book and found it right when I needed it during my third trimester (I'm happily the mother of a 3 week old, hence I am up at 3:41 am reading your blog!). I wish you would speak at my local library in Oswego, IL! Best, Kristen

V1nce said...

So it's a book about pirates then. Well why didn't you say so! The kids will love hearing you talk about your book! Can you come this Saturday at 1?

Dennis said...

That is FUNNY! You must have Mrs. Grinch as the librarian.

If you do the pirate thing, you gotta video it. The sight of them running for cover should be good for a few chortles.

Frau Mahlzahn said...

God, I wish I had been there -- that must have been really funny. How could you keep a straight face?

(And how much is the fine for one year -- that must be a lot!)

Thanks for your comment in my blog the other day -- you did klick the right button, ;-)! I should consider writing in English so you could stop by more often.

So long,

Jen said...

I love the pirate comments. They are killing me lately! It reminds me of that character in Dodgeball with Ben Stiller.

bearhugg said...

I'm surprised the library didn't send Mr. Bookman after you. lol! Wombat! *snort*!! Had to look that one up. An Australian marsupial. That's my new word for the day, marsupial! Looks like a muskat. I would ask if you feed your wombat Vegemite but I know you don't like to share any of your delicious spread ;) Stupid ladder, Hercules?!?! Can you imagine what it would be like if you didn't have a well crafted ;) step ladder to assist you with that task?

Dawn said...

I wasn't talking about the awesome ladder you made for the boys' bunks. The girls' bunks have a straight up and down, rung-like ladder that sucks, my friend.

hockeygrrrrl said...

I'm a relatively new reader, I have no idea how I got here. Followed something, somewhere...

Anyway, I just want to apologize for the general stodginess of my profession. Thankfully there are a few of us librarians who chose not to have our sense of humor surgically removed. You can come speak at our library any time. Unless of course you expect payment. I have jellybeans. Not money.

Melissa said...


Tonia said...

I have a question about writing in general. I have no special talents except I'm always complimented on my writing ability. Even when I worked full time I was tasked with rewriting all of our business letters and proof reading custom letters. My knack however is writing from the heart about my kids and life. I enjoy writing. I post on Facebook probably too much but I haven't ventured into blogging. That's where my question comes in. How did you develop a thick skin or did you always have one? My problem is I know judgmental and mean spirted comments would keep me up at night obsessing about it. I know you rarely comment on them and you don't let the negative people keep you from just being yourself. Everyone tells me to write a book, a blog, or something but I really think the fear of being criticized holds me back. I would love to just let it roll off my back and just stay true to myself. I have always admired the way you handle that. I wasn't sure if you learned this over time or you just had a thick skin to begin with.

Kris Roach said...

Dawn...the Pirate!! I love it...that is about the 3rd mention of pirates and eye patches recently...I laugh every time! I wish you would videotape yourself going in public with the eye patch and talking "piratey"...that would be awesome...The way you handled the librarian cracks me up. From the other comments it appears that you have invites to some other libraries now! ;-) Good for you matey! Arggh

Marly said...

Thanks. I really needed that.
I really do wonder how many times I've told you that :)
By the way, it's totally about weight loss. I mean the baby comes out, right? That's some sort of weight loss even if it's not always on the scale!
I think you're awesome and I would let you speak at my library, but you'd have to visit in the spring since we have snow here in Utah and you're not a fan.

Forty Pound Sack said...

That librarian does not know what a golden opportunity she missed. Ah, well....maybe next time you should load your little ones up on sugar and caffeine and bring them with you. Promise to leave after she agrees to let you speak. Betcha that would work!

V1nce said...

The Dewey Decimal system takes the joy out of everything.

A Truthbrarian said...

ditto @hockeygrrrl (i'm a librarian too, and) i found myself recently prohibited from taking the usual pile of books my kids check out each week from the pub lib because i had a video checked out so long they'd declared it lost. i coulda paid the fine, but knew it was probably sitting under some chair at home. driving home empty handed i started to recall that it was my 3 year old throwing a near tantrum for me not to return that video that started this mess. why did i wait until we were out of the library to tell her about not being able to take their books home? that tantrum mighta made all the differnce!

thanks for keeping and continuing to share your sense of humor.

mawhitacre said...

When I want to make the top bunk, I find it easier to pull the mattress off the bed and then put it back on when I'm done. I
m always afraid of breaking the ladder if I stand on it too long.

Anonymous said...

HAHA. Thanks for the giggle. Great write!

Anonymous said...

I always tell people "please, don't feel bad, I pay lots of overdue fines at my own library!" And then during an interview a couple of weeks ago I had to call my circ supervisor and have her unblock my account - I'd lost a book, and couldn't get to the library ebook site. Oopsie. At least the reporter found it amusing.

Now, go call the library Director and try again - don't leave program proposals with the desk staff, who probably aren't, in fact, librarians. If you called me I'd totally sign you up!

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