Thursday, August 26, 2010

The One with All the Pee

In accordance with my divorce agreement, I needed to get life insurance. So, I called around and signed up for a plan two weeks ago. They sent a nurse to my house at 9:30 this morning, to check my blood pressure, ask me a few more questions, weigh me (Grrr!), and get some blood and urine specimens. My blood pressure was 100/58. She took it four times to be sure. "Yes, I know I'm fat, but I have low pressure, okay!" Then she took some blood. No problem. Then she gave me a cup and asked me to pee. Well, I'd just gone before she got there, but again, I can pretty much pee anytime, so I took the cup and went to the bathroom. Meanwhile, Brooklyn was babbling on about Dora to this nurse who was humoring her. I returned with the cup. She looked at it and said, "That's not enough."

"What do you mean, that's not enough? I just peed before you got here! It's impressive I was able to come up with that much!" I protested.

"I need you to fill it to this line," she said, indicating the five gallon mark.

I turned on my heel and headed toward the kitchen where I filled a big cup with water. I chugged it down, then refilled it. I chugged that one down and refilled it again. Then I sat down to wait while sipping the third cup.

She urged me to try again. Okay, now I don't know how any of your systems work, but generally it takes more than thirty seconds for the water I drink to turn to pee. Still, I got up and tried again. Not a drip.

This happened five times! I drank water, waited a bit, tried to pee, came back empty-handed, and did it all over again. FIVE TIMES! Meanwhile, Brooklyn has told this woman everything, anyone has ever needed to know about Dora, including the fact that she has big brown eyes just like her. Repeatedly.

The nurse suggested I drink some coffee. I made a cup and gave it a try. After another twenty minutes, the coffee had run right through me and not in the urine kinda way. Yeah. But, after another fifteen minutes, I was finally able to pee. This was at 11:00 this morning. I haven't stopped peeing since.

And my fun continued this afternoon. Last week, when I was at the OBGYN, I was due for a lovely pap (because I've been on the 3 month plan, thanks to an abnormal one a way back.) Unfortunately, the doctor wouldn't do it then because I'd been seeing the nurse practitioner and apparently they don't like to stick their hands in each other's business. Literally. LOL! Ah, I just crack myself up. So I had to make yet another appointment with the NP. I scheduled it for today while the kids were in school. Brooklyn isn't in school yet. Oops, that was an oversight. Oh well, I dragged her along. Being the smart, savvy mom that I am, I brought a brand new toy to occupy Brooklyn so she wouldn't be tempted to peek around the table to see what the doctor was doing and therefor, be scarred for life. Yep, I was prepared.

So B and I walk into a room where a nurse asks me the same questions as last week. I give her different answers, you know, just to change things up a bit.
"Do you smoke?"
"Only when I'm on fire."
"Huh? Oh, I get it. What are you using for birth control?"
"Huh? Antibiotics aren't birth control."
"Oh, so that's why I have six kids!"
"You have three girls and three boys?"
"Yes, and two frogs and one turtle and thirty-two shirts and twenty-four pairs of shoes..."
"Okay, Mrs. Meehan, why don't you just get undressed from the waist down and have a seat on the table," she said, exasperated, as she walked out.

So, quick as a flash, I rip off my pants and undies in one fluid motion while Brooklyn was busy playing with her new Mix Pups. I hopped onto the table and pulled my paper blanket around me. However, I wasn't quick enough. Brooklyn loudly announced, "I can see your butt, Mom!" as she pointed at my exposed derriere. Thankfully, she's only four and is easily distracted. "Oh, look at your puppy! What a cute skirt it's wearing!"

About three and a half seconds later, Brooklyn suddenly stood straight up and grabbed herself while shifting her weight from foot to foot. "Mama...."

"Let me guess. You have to go to the bathroom."

"Really bad! I have to go NOW!" she exclaimed as she added some bouncing up and down to the weight shifting, making it an official Pee Pee Dance.

"Well, of course you have to go - NOW THAT I'M NAKED. Ugh." I thought to myself, What to do, what to do. If I quickly change back into my clothes, the doctor is bound to come in mid-change and see the underwear that I've carefully hidden in my pants! She can see my cervix, but not my panties. If I wait, it could be another twenty minutes before the doctor comes in and then it'll be too late and she'll have peed on the floor. Hmmm, maybe I could blame it on her new puppy toys... I quickly discarded those ideas. I suppose I could wrap my paper blanket around me and walk into the hallway half-naked to show her where the bathroom is.
Nah, I don't need anyone else thinking I'm a total freak.

"Honey, can't you hold it?" I pleaded with B. By this time, she was prancing around the entire room, hopping from foot to foot and trying to hold it in with her hand strategically placed on her
Chinese Recipe.

"Nooooo," she whined. "I really need to goooooo."

How wrong would it be to let her pee in the sink? I thought to myself. Oh yeah, that'd look great if the doctor walked in as I'm standing there half-naked, holding my child over the sink to pee.

I opted to open the door and hope for a nurse to pass by so I could ask her to show Brooklyn where the bathroom was. So what if the door's open and someone walks by and sees my butt, right? It's just a butt. Everyone has one, right? I figured no men were going to be walking by in an OBGYN's office anyway. (I didn't consider the idea of husbands coming with their wives to hear their baby's heartbeat.) Ahem.

Anyway, after a little embarrassment, a nurse did walk past and upon seeing Brooklyn's Pee Pee Dance, asked if she could show her to the bathroom. Phew! Crisis averted.

And because I'm extra-lucky, when the NP walked in, she had a student with her. Yay! Is there anyone in any medical facility who hasn't seen my hoo-ha yet? Maybe I should start selling tickets or something.

Anyway, B returned from the potty, much relieved, the NP was super-speedy, and B never even noticed what was going on "down there". And now I've graduated to the six month plan.

Dear, whoever it may concern,

I do not need any more blog material of a medical nature. Thank you.



Robin said...

Sounds like fun times....*insert sarcasm*. But good for you for being a good patient and sticking with your follow-up appointments. You get a gold star!

Bec said...

I just had to let you know, cause I thought it was hilarious... they create the link to each post based on what you've titled it, and they remove articles like "the". So, since you titled this post "The One With All The Pee" the link says "One With All Pee". Which could totally have a different meaning!!! It struck me as funny, anyway :) Oh, and congratulations on your graduation to the six month plan!

V1nce said...

One time when my mother was in the hospital she had to go to the bathroom and tried to summon a nurse with that SUMMON NURSE button that we all know by now isn't hooked up to anything. She tried to flag passing nurses and hospital staff to no avail. Finally she got enough strength to get up out of bed, hold onto the railing to avoid falling and peed on the floor.

Not a minute later a nurse finally came, looked at the pee on the floor in that exasperated "oh no I have to do something unpleasant manner" and the minute she looked at her, my mother smiled and said "that's what happens when you make people wait now get a mop"

She didn't have any more problems during that stay :-)

Amanda said...

Hahaha, before you posted your 'peeing in the sink' idea, I thought 'I think I'd have her pee in the sink!' LOL

And I can never pee on demand. I have shy bladder syndrome (which apparently there IS a medical term for it; paruersis!)

Mark said...

Is it against the law to begin one's morning with a HUGE GUFFAW> It is just 4 AM here in the hills of MASS, and,as I always do, I click on YOU (sequestered in my FAVOURITES)just to see if you have added anything new. certainly DID! (Hoo Hahs and uncomfortable children with overfilled little bladders).

SO..Thanks Dawn. I guess I can go out now and conquer MY world.

Anonymous said...

lmao.. you 'crack' me up.

Yay for the pee pee dance.. Universally recognized by ALL.

So how long did the toys keep Brooklyn amused after the appointment?

Jen@Scrapingirl said...

I'm sure it wasn't funny when it was happening, but I was giggling while I was reading. :) And I thouhgt I was the only one with "hidden camera "moments. I swear that kinda stuff only happens to me. But I'm glad you're on the 6 month plan now.

Lisa said...

Ha now you are just tempting the "Fodder Gods" with that last comment.

Tammy said...

I've often panicked that I'd have to take my kids to the GYN past the baby-in-the-carseat stage!

I especially needed to laugh yesterday so I was happy to see you had posted. While I didn't laugh out loud like I usually do, I felt that hint of a smile through my grief. Thank you.

Ashley said...

And reading your blog today caused more pee! Thanks for the laugh!

Unknown said...

LOL! I see London, I see France!!!

Tara said...

I "love" when they bring in students. On one of my last OB appointments my NP asked if she could bring in a student and I was like "sure, I've had a kid already, I'm not shy anymore." Then she brings in this 20-something HOT special forces guy. She didn't say "by the way, he's a hot young thing". Wouldn't know I had to talk about hemoroids at that appointment. At least maybe he learned something :)

~Jenn said...

Thank goodness we are not the only ones! Every time we end up at any sort of medical office (doctor, dentist, wherever), someone must need to use the bathroom. They must use the bathroom right that very second. And in the waiting room, they are always starving to death.

Sharon said...

UGH...."Those" appointments are the worst. Having to take a 4 year old along is just too over the top. You handled it well with usual Dawn aplomb! Once my daughter started doing the pee pee dance in line at the grocery store. Before I could get the cart backed up and out of line...she went. Whoops. Brooklyn must have a stronger bladder than my daughter!

dark_chocolate said...

Loved your answers to the nurse's questions the second time around. LOL. Too bad the nurse didn't find it that funny...

The Edmonston Entourage said...

Oh my...half way though reading this I had to grab a tissue due to uncontrollable laughter. The things we do because we have to! I once had to bring my 6 year old niece (school was out that day) to an OB appointment where my Dr. was going to check me. When we got home she told my husband that I had sex with my doctor!! Where do these things come from??

Shellie said...

Um, I had to go pee before I got through that one. Thanks for the laughs at your expense instead of mine. It's so nice to waste time reading a blog or two again. Too bad no one stopped by to write mine for me while I ignored it and everyone else's for 4 months. I see there is still never a dull moment here however! Hang in there! You're amazing.

Kodie said...

We had random drug testing at work and, of course, I found this out right after I peed. And once I pee once at work, that's it. I had to sit there for TWO HOURS after I was punched out until I could finally pee and go home. And by the next day everyone in the plant knew about it.

RMSLIL said...

I laughed about your GYN having a student. When I was in the hospital I swear every doctor at this hospital did a exam on me. Surgery there were at least 8 different doctors and etc there. Then for my last exam at the GYN/oncologists. I was in position when he walked in with an intern then the nurse walked in with a trainee. Then the office worker walked in because she forgot to have me sign a release form for the endometrial biopsy. I told them enough was enough.

Anonymous said...

No play on words but I did almost pee myself reading.
Yes, belindasbaubles, the pee pee dance is universally recognized by ALL. Our first week in Okinawa driving around my then girl of 3 had to go bad. Thankfully the bathroom here signs are also universal. I ran in with the girl giving a pee pee dance demonstration.
Now my girl of 5 soon to be 6 learns Japanese at her school can ask for the bathroom herself because mom still doesn’t know how to say it.

Mom said...

I would have been tempted to empty some Mountain Dew into the urine container for the life insurance lady. LOL

WeaselMomma said...

I love your one-liners!

I once told my OB/GYN that he should have a wine/fruit and cheese tray in the waiting room. When he inquired as to why that should be, I told him "So I could at least say that you bought me a drink first".

Amy @ Marvelous Mommy said...

Haha great post! My sister sent me the link and I'm glad she did!! I needed a good laugh!

I love your blog! I'm your newest follower and subscriber!!

Dayna said...

Last year I had an appt w/ my OB/GYN for some pain. I asked the lady when I made the appt if I would need to have an exam. She said no. So I figured it safe to bring my 3 kids.

Once there, they told me I had to have an exam. Thanks. So I left my 12 yo in charge of the 2 and 3 year olds in the waiting room.

Once I had donned my sexy paper towel and was sitting on the table I could hear my 2 year old running up and down the hall screaming and crying. There was absolutely nothing I could do. Eventually a nurse stuck her head in and asked if that was my child.

When the doc finally came in I told him I had cost him a bunch of business since now several women in his waiting room probably would have decided to NEVER have children!

HRH Mommy said...

Thanks for bringing a smile to my afternoon.

HRH Mommy

Shanny said...

I sure empathy with you. It drove me nuts when my doc doesn't tell me that I need to pee for my appt when I already went before seeing the doctor or worse yet being hugely pregnant and waiting for my turn at ultrasound office and trying to hold in all that pee only to be told I'm too full of pee and to empty "a little".

BTW I just was looking at your map below..and there's a grey spot flashing in the MIDDLE of the ocean!! Location is "unknown" it says. But it really got me wondering if someone is in a boat with their laptop?! Do you see it too?? Hope it's not an SOS call..or it could be a cruise ship?!

Nikki said...

I'm glad you are on the 6 month plan now. I have had abnormal paps since i was 17! And of course until I recently changed DR's, nothing had been done except repeat paps. I had a child at age 17 and another at 19. Now, hubby and i want a third and it isnt happening so easily. I just got a call 4 days ago that my pap in august shows "Severe dysplasia" so now instead of every 3 months i get to go back in september. How exciting *gag*. This will be for another biopsy even toh i just had one of those in May as well. I just wish they'd hurry up and figure it out before it causes more problems!

Unknown said...

Thanks for the laugh this morning :)

Christine said...

Great story (for us not you I'm sure)

I always shake my head in wonder when my OBGYN secretary asks why I haven't brought the kids in to my appointment.

(She remembered seeing them as babies and wants to see how they've grown up). I don't know what she's thinking but as for me I don't feel the need to scar them for life :)

Cal Mama said...

I havnt laughed that hard all week! They should have paid you for that appt.! LOL

Susan said...

Dawn, Where the hell are you? I'm depending on your uplifting blog. Hell, you're getting to be like me, random, undependeble, depressed. I had an audience for awhile and I lost them. Crap, I do depressed so well, I'm old. Let us hear from you, we're dependent. or

Ashley said...

Oh how I love your honesty! I've been reading your blog for a while but now I will finally follow it!


Kila said...

With 6 kids, you'll never run out of blog material ;)

Sorry to hear about your divorce. I went through that this year, too.

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