Thursday, July 1, 2010

Fevers, Flame Throwers, and Bat Attacks

After lying around sick and dying for days, I should have gone to bed early last night and gotten some much needed sleep. But that wasn't to be. Savannah had begged me to let her go to the midnight showing of Twilight when it first came out. I was a mean mom and didn't let her go. Then she begged me to let her go to the midnight showing of New Moon when it first came out, but again, I was mean and wouldn't let her go. Last night, Savannah begged me to let her see the midnight showing of Eclipse, and knowing how important it is to be firm and consistent in all parenting matters, I said, "Sure, whatever, knock yourself out. Just please tell me you have a ride home because I may be dead from this sore throat by 2:00 AM." She gave me that look. Not the look that says, "But Moooom, I have to go! All my friends are going! I'll just die if I don't get to go!" Nope, I'm immune to that look. When I receive that look from one of my kids, I just respond with, "Hey, we didn't have CELL PHONES when I was your age! Do you really wanna tell me how your life will end if you don't get this?" That usually shuts them up.

But no, she didn't give me that look. She gave me the sad, resigned, "I know you work hard and you're tired and you really try to do everything for us, Mom" look. Ugh. I'm not immune to that look. I hate that look! I hate feeling like I've let someone down. If she'd just fought me and talked back, I would've been okay, but noooo, she had to accept that I was too tired and too sick to pick her up so late. And I couldn't accept that.

Sooo, being the total pushover dedicated parent I am, I stayed awake until it was time to pick her up at 2:15 AM. You know who stays up until 2:00AM when they're running a fever and feeling like the stuff floating in my fire pit of soot-water (aka Ye Ole Fishing Hole)? Crazy people, that's who! Well, and vampires and werewolves, of course. And the undead. And every mother of a newborn. And that "Time to Make the Donuts" guy. But mostly crazy people. Like me.

When 2:15 rolled around, I hadn't died of a sore throat or achy back yet, so I got Savannah and her friend and dropped everyone off at the correct house and didn't fall asleep at the wheel. I returned home, locked up, and shuffled back into my bedroom where I felt something brush my arm. Since I shed approximately 350,000 hairs a day (I have no idea how I'm not bald) and since I learned my lesson after my spider freak-out, I naturally thought a hair was tickling my arm. I brushed at it and it flew. IT FLEW! Hair doesn't fly! What the??? It was a bat! Holy cow, there was a stinking BAT in my bedroom!

Okay, it might have possibly just been a moth. But it looked like a bat. I'm pretty sure it had fangs and it was the size of a Buick. So, I did what any sane, rational, quick-thinking person would do. I grabbed my bottle of Philosophy Inner Grace perfume and I sprayed it to death! Except it didn't work. I didn't, in fact, spray it to death. I only got it drunk on the fumes. And then it started flitting around in a crazed pattern, circling me. I saw him give me the evil eye right before he dive-bombed my head. I did the classic, evasive, Duck-and-Cover maneuver as I ran screaming from the room like a little girl. It's okay. I can do that. I am a girl.

Clearly, this is an alien bat programmed to destroy me. This calls for Plan B. I grabbed a paper towel and a shoe. The plan was to throw the shoe at him, knock him unconscious, then pick him up with several layers of paper towel so I couldn't feel him through the paper, then stomp him to death with the shoe. It's fool-proof! It's brilliant! It's...okay, it's late and I'm sick and this is an alien bat, so even while I was certain Plan B would work, in the back of my mind I was toying with Plan C wherein I'd wake up Clayton, give him some hairspray and a lighter and let him go to town with a homemade blowtorch. Did I mention I was feverish?

Anyway, I returned to my room only to find the moth killer zombie bat gone. Missing. Totally vanished. I was seriously freaking out at this point. I stood there with eighteen feet of paper towels dangling from my hand. I spun around, eyes darting here and there, scoping every corner of my bedroom. He's got to be in here somewhere! All ninja-like, I quietly tiptoed a couple steps to the side, then whirled around to face death head-on! He wasn't there. I sneaked over to my curtains and quick-as-a-whip, ripped them back from the window! Nothing. "Ohhhh, he's good," I thought to myself. This went on for a good half hour while I made little surprise attacks on unsuspecting pieces of furniture, bedding, and stacks of laundry around my room. Nothing.

I decided that perhaps my fever was getting the best of me, so I decided to take a shower to cool off while I turned off all the lights in my room, and turned on all the lights in the kitchen. That'll draw him out, I convinced myself as I showered.

When I got out of the bathroom, I made my way to the kitchen, positive I'd see the moth flitting around the light. Nope. Which just solidified my belief that it was indeed a bat. He was perfectly content staying in my darkened room. By this time it was 4:00 AM and extreme tiredness had overcome me, so I finally gave up. I quickly dove under the covers and pulled them up over my head. In my sleep deprived state, I was somehow okay about dying from lack of oxygen under the covers all night, but I really didn't want guano in my hair. It made sense to me at the time.

Thankfully, I woke up this morning and the bat had not eaten my face off, so I think my burrowing under the covers worked. Either that or he's just making me wait. He's making me sweat it out. And just when I forget about him, that's when he'll attack!

Oh and look at the time! It's after 2:00 again. Sigh. I'd better get to bed before I start thinking my pillow is an alligator.


Shelley P said...

".....eighteen feet of paper towels dangling from my hand...." I damn near peed myself when I read that - that is soooo me!

Frau Mahlzahn said...

I like plan C and will remember that for my son, should I get right in the middle of a killer bat attack!

Why, by the way, didn't Savannah's friend's parents pick them up? Just curious.

Hope you feel better soon!

So long,

Robin said...

It's almost 3:30am as I read your post. Yep. I'm one of the crazies.

Just promise me that if the alien bat turns into a beautiful and charming vampire (the old fashioned Dracula kind not the sparkling kind) that you won't hide under the covers. C'mon, you've earned a little treat!

Jen@Scrapingirl said...

That made me bust out laughing. You are super fun when you are sick. :) And you are an awesome mom. I don't think I could ever stay up til 2 just so my daughter could go to the movies. I must not love my kids as much as you do. :)

WeaselMomma said...

Watch out, he may be rabid and have his nights and days confused.

Leenie said...

Hope you are getting the better of that fever. Those high temps do nasty things to the brain. I could tell you stories....nah.

Except--when bats attack at my house (and they have even when I wasn't delirious with fever) I grab hubby's fishing net, the big one with the long handle, swoop them up and free them to the children of the night. Then I yell, STOP LAUGHING at the kids.

Veggiemomof2 said...

I know you don't have time to pass on blog awards, but I wanted you to know I think you deserve one!

Hard Working Mommy Blogger Award

Brandi said...

My cats and dogs team up when bats get into our house. They even maimed one one time.

Unknown said...

Hey, Dawn... A moth? REALLY? Minus Dawn, a moth is the wimpiest creature on the face of the planet. (That is, of course, if you don't count Mothra from the GODZILLA movies!) I mean, they are like butterfly wannabes that are so ashamed of their wimptitude that they only come out at night. I guess you get to keep the supercape but you have to get a different kryptonite. It simply can NOT be a moth!

(This post is HLIARIOUS, BTW!)

Shannon said...

Think maybe you were hallucinating from the sickness?...just sayin'...

marybee said...

i actually pushed one of my own children out of the way running (screaming, of course!) away from a bat swooping through our living room!

Supplanter64 said...

Another classic, Dawn. Hilarious!

Lisa said...

The moth is out to get you my pretty!

Amanda said...

Oooooh my gosh, that is SO ME. Except I think I would literally die of a heart attack if a BAT was in my room. A few days ago, I was sitting up in my bed on the computer and one of those silverfish bugs was crawling on my headboard. Naturally I flipped the heck out and when I got up enough courage to get 10 sheets of Kleenex and talked myself into trying to catch the little buggar, he was gone :-\ I had a small panic attack, smashed the headboard against the wall a few times hoping he was hanging out between the wall and the headboard and that I had smashed him to smithereens.

Then, while vacuuming my mattress the other day, an earwig had popped out of nowhere and crawled around on my bed. I feel like such a bug slut, sleeping with all these different bugs. I am NOT amused, to say the least. So glad someone else uses 18 ft of paper towels though to kill a bug, just so you don't have to feel the dang things. I honestly think I would have slept in the bath tub with the lights on if there was a bat in my room. I give you props!

WeaselMomma said...

Damn. I'm not as good at humor as you are. My comment yesterday was meant to taunt you with even more more fear of the bat/moth.
I just went back and re-read it. It sounded funnier and made much more sense in my head with voice inflection.
You know he's mad and when he comes back, he's bringing and entire gang of fang wielding bat/moths with him.

Michelle said...

LOL funny story. Keep up the good work! Hope you get some good sleep one of these nights.

Anonymous said...

Great story!

Marly said...

Awesome! I's so glad he didn't eat your face.

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