Monday, February 15, 2010

The One in Which I Puke

I was sleeping soundly when somewhere in the dark recesses of my resting brain I sensed a presence in my room. I cracked open an eye to see Clay's face a mere inch and a half from my own. After screaming bloody murder and after my heart rate skyrocketed to the equivalent of any athlete's after an hour of aerobics, I asked him, "Why are you trying to kill me?" "What's wrong, Clay?"

"I threw up lots of times", he said in tears.

Oh great, I can't clean that up. Now we have to move.

"Please, please, please tell me you made it to the bathroom!" I begged.

"Yeah, I threw up in the bathroom," he said.

Breathing a sigh of relief, I asked him, "Are you ok now? Does your tummy feel better?" Maybe I shouldn't have let him eat 50,000 cookies and a box of Valentine's Day candy for dinner.

He said that he was fine and felt much better. I told him to go back to sleep, in that case. I quickly fell back asleep and forgot all about the barf-o-rama.

This morning, I awoke and shuffled, eyes still half-closed, through the kitchen. I was heading for the coffee maker, but stopped short as my foot hit something squishy. I looked down and realized I'd stepped in barf. OH! MY! GOSH! The gag reflex has never hit me so fast in my life. I hopped toward the bathroom, my foot covered in disgusting yuckness, and promptly threw up.

Then I did what any sensible person would do in this situation. I cut off my foot.

A little later, Lexi told me that the toilet in the kids' bathroom was covered in vomit. I simply closed my eyes, felt around for the doorknob, and quickly shut the door. Then I barricaded it with yellow caution tape. No problem. Situation resolved. We have another bathroom. We're fine and dandy until someone gets sick in there at which point we'll clearly have to move.

Actually, one of my best friends in the world came by and offered to clean it for me. How awesome is that? But I didn't even need him to do that because while I was at Fed Ex this afternoon, Savannah cleaned it. When I got home and she told me that she'd cleaned the toilet, I asked her, "HOW??? How did you do that without throwing up?" She rolled her eyes at me and said that vomit doesn't make her throw up. She has a new job.

And why was I at Fed Ex? Because I had to overnight my pregnancy manuscript to my editor. So I walked in, filled out the form to mail it, and realized that I didn't have a copy of it. For some reason, my publisher doesn't do things electronically so all I had was this one hard copy of the manuscript. My mind started whirling with visions of these horrible scenarios. What if the Fed Ex truck flipped over on the way to my editor, and gas spilled and the truck exploded? My manuscript would be in a big mushroom cloud somewhere over the tri-state area and I'd have to rewrite the whole thing! Or what if the Fed Ex plane went down in the ocean near some desert island and Tom Hanks decided to read my manuscript to entertain Wilson until they got bored with it, then he'd use it for kindling or worse - toilet paper. I decided a copy was definitely in order.

"Um, excuse me sir? Would you please make a copy of this so Tom Hanks doesn't use it as toilet paper?"

The guy behind the counter didn't even blink at my request and simply asked, "black and white"? Apparently this is a common request in the Fed Ex world. Interesting.

Now, I need to get Brooklyn some more medicine because she's been running a fever all day and keeps crying that her eyes hurt. The fun never ends around here, I tell ya!

33 comments:

Robin said...

Sounds like you'd better gear up for another round of illness at your house! :( Sorry you stepped in the puke!!

Anonymous said...

Once again, I'm laughing hysterically at your misfortune. I'm so sorry!! BUT, you have an awesome ability for telling a story! Which is probably why you're a famous author! ;o)

God bless Savannah! She's an awesome girl. My 13-year-old daughter read this and promptly told me "I'd NEVER do that!" Ahhh, I'm so proud! ;o)

Hope everyone feels better soon!!

Donna in PA :)

noexcuses said...

Best of luck with the manuscript! How exciting! And Lexi...what a treasure she is!

Just make sure you turn the lights on before entering a room...

Anne said...

Disgusting and hilarious, all at the same time ;) Love it!

Michelle said...

Savannah wins the most awesome kid EVER award. I could hardly even read this, let alone picture it. I'm so sorry, Dawn. Here's hoping the puking is done!

Queen@home said...

OMG HAHAHA i love this post.. I've been reading for a few weeks now, and i feel we have the same approach to things .. LAUGHTER!!

i have to share my story of puke with you,..
My daughter threw up and as i was running with the bowl to the toilet she yells "NOT MY JENGA PIECE!" ( there was a random Jenga toy in the bowl when she puked in it) I panicked and dumped it in the sink instead of the toilet.
BAD MOVE. It plugged.

So i called my husband down and ran to get my camera.
This is the result :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gcl2pC8wfBs

enjoy.. i know i did!!
Patty

rthling said...

I wondered this morning, when I read your status update, who was going to clean up after Clayton.

Sheila said...

I'm curious, how do you get your signature at the bottom of your blogs?

Bailey's Leaf said...

I'm so sorry. The stomach funk seems to be afoot. Because of this, my daughter has a trash can sitting on top of a bath towel next to her bed. Hubs asked, "Is she not feeling well?" "No darling, it is puke season." "Oh."

It has hit my sister's house and one of my best friends have come down with it.

Let's hope that unlike the Swine Flu, y'all can keep this one just to one child.

In the meantime, I can see the hazmat tent that dropped over your house from allllll the way over here in Ohio!

Be well and puke free!

Jen@Scrapingirl said...

I don't mean to laugh at you, but I am. I have the exact same problem as you. If they puke in the sheets, I just throw them away. We have more. :)I am gagging just talking about it.

Sherry said...

I hate to ask, but how did you do the manuscript? Couldn't you just print another copy at home. Just a thought.

I everyone gets to feeling better soon.

Lynn said...

So you didn't type it on your computer? You can save it like 50 ways that way.....

Cheryl said...

I'm a long time reader, but never comment. I am the same way when it comes to puke. If either one of my children says their tummy hurts, I PANIC. Like seriously panic. Almost panic attacking inducing!

WarsawMommy said...

URGH! I don't know what is worse: stepping in puke and stepping in puke PRE-COFFEE!

Good to hear that you don't have to move. Although it is sad that Tom and Wilson will not be enjoying your manuscript by campfire light.

apaprikao said...

Sorry to hear about your sick family. I hope it passes quickly and that you don't catch it. Puke is definitely not my favorite thing to clean up.

P.S. I think you're hysterical!

timeoutmama said...

I'm surprised TLC's "Dirty Jobs" hasn't done an episode on the job of "Mommy" - it's the dirtiest job by far! Sorry about the foot in vomit - it kind of stays with you forever....that feeling! (I shudder!) - timeoutmama

Anonymous said...

What a good kid Savannah is! That is one awesome daughter and sister!

kittygirl said...

Love the Friends shout out with the title!

Tracy said...

The worst 6 words in the English language, "Mom I puked in my bed" I don't handle puke well. At all. I actually got a bit queasy reading your misfortunes. Still funny though. What a great kid to clean it up for you, want to hire her out? lol

Anonymous said...

OMG I remember those puking events like they were yesterday! So glad I'm past those days and that I get to live vicariously thru you!...Sharon

Regina said...

Many, many years ago, both my son and daughter were sick at the same time, and had it coming out of both ends. After spending the day stripping beds and changing pajamas over and over, I flopped into bed and said to my husband, I am so tired of poop and vomit. To which he replied, softly, "Their names are Theresa and Mark.". I really needed that laugh at the end of the day!

Shellie said...

Oh Dear Lord, please send me a Savannah!

Suburban Correspondent said...

I totally get this vomit scenario. And have you had swine flu? One of the hallmarks seemed to be the kids complaining that their eyes hurt.

Donna said...

Oh how I feel for you. I don't think I could even touch my foot to put socks on after that happened. Thank goodness Savannah could handle it for you. When ever I have a feeling of throwing up I grab my waste paper basket .. I can't stand to puke anywhere but in that ! And when my kids were little I carried the wastebasket with me when I cleaned it up, as when they puked - I puked. But I eventually got the clean up job done. My husband would never help me either.
I have one cat that must have acid reflex as I never know when he will puke. One day I came home from work and saw 4 paper plates turned upside down on the carpet.
My husband greeted me saying he tried but just couldn't clean it up and couldn't stand to look at it either. I did thank him tho for not letting me step in it.
Ok....enough on this subject or I will go puke too.

Hope Brooklyn is better !
Donna from NE Indiana

loVe2cre8 said...

Where does one find a friend who would be willing to come over and clean THAT up? Wow, are you ever blessed!

Amanda said...

You are hilarious!

mrsNo said...

Do you have a title for the new book yet??

The Surviving Mom said...

Oh this sounds like my night last night. When the vomitting started I wanted to hide and never come out. My 5 year old little girl looked so helpless that I knew I had to do something. But as I moved I felt like I was in slow motion. Perhaps I was because I was dreading getting near anything half digested! Good luck with yours! ~Jessica

Rachel said...

first off, it's comforting to read all the vomit-phobic comments from other readers. i'm not alone!!!! but also, you had me chuckling about the 'tri-state area' comment. it's hard to not hear doofenshmirtz in my head! i think i read, "my manuscript would be in a big mushroom cloud somewhere over THE ENTIRE TRI-STATE AREA!!!!" lol, i need to get a life!

Lyuda said...

I must have a very strong stomach. I could take puke, blood, and any other bodily fluid without passing out (or puking myself). Good thing, too, since I am going for a nurse! Wow, I am surprised at how many people cannot stand vomit. I always thought of mothers as immune to any type of bodily fluid. ha ha, guess not!

Anonymous said...

I love the title of this post. Was that an intentional Friends reference? (You know, since all the episode titles start with "The one...")

Sil said...

omg this one made my day , I always think of Tom Hanks when I go to Kinkos/fedex! I am glad to know there are other weirdos out there. And boy would I love to have a child that can clean puke for me , you are truly blessed there sister.

Sharon said...

I have got to remember NOT to read your blog late at night - laughing this much will definitely wake my 4 kids!!! Thanks for the many the guffaws, giggles and grins.
Brand new reader,
Sharon

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