Adventures in Grocery Shopping

I'm reprinting the auction here before Ebay takes it down.

I'm selling a bunch of Pokemon cards. Why? Because my kids sneaked them into my shopping cart while at the grocery store and I ended up buying them because I didn't notice they were there until we got home. How could I have possibly not noticed they were in my cart, you ask? Let me explain.

You haven’t lived until you’ve gone grocery shopping with six kids in tow. I would rather swim, covered in bait, through the English Channel, be a contestant on Fear Factor when they’re having pig brains for lunch, or do fourth grade math than to take my six kids to the grocery store. Because I absolutely detest grocery shopping, I tend to put it off as long as possible. There comes a time, however, when you’re peering into your fridge and thinking, ‘Hmmm, what can I make with ketchup, Italian dressing, and half an onion,’ that you decide you cannot avoid going to the grocery store any longer. Before beginning this most treacherous mission, I gather all the kids together and give them “The Lecture“.

“The Lecture“ goes like this…
MOM: “We have to go to the grocery store.”
KIDS: “Whine whine whine whine whine.“
MOM: “Hey, I don’t want to go either, but it’s either that or we’re eating cream of onion-ketchup soup and drinking Italian dressing for dinner tonight.”
KIDS: “Whine whine whine whine whine.“
MOM: “Now here are the rules: do not ask me for anything, do not poke the packages of meat in the butcher section, do not test the laws of physics and try to take out the bottom can in the pyramid shaped display, do not play baseball with oranges in the produce section, and most importantly, do not try to leave your brother at the store. Again.”

OK, the kids have been briefed. Time to go.

Once at the store, we grab not one, but two shopping carts. I wear the baby in a sling and the two little children sit in the carts while I push one cart and my oldest son pushes the other one. My oldest daughter is not allowed to push a cart. Ever. Why? Because the last time I let her push the cart, she smashed into my ankles so many times, my feet had to be amputated by the end of our shopping trip. This is not a good thing. You try running after a toddler with no feet sometime.

At this point, a woman looks at our two carts and asks me, “Are they all yours?” I answer good naturedly, “Yep!

“Oh my, you have your hands full.”

“Yes, I do, but it‘s fun!” I say smiling. I’ve heard all this before. In fact, I hear it every time I go anywhere with my brood.

We begin in the produce section where all these wonderfully, artistically arranged pyramids of fruit stand. There is something so irresistibly appealing about the apple on the bottom of the pile, that a child cannot help but try to touch it. Much like a bug to a zapper, the child is drawn to this piece of fruit. I turn around to the sounds of apples cascading down the display and onto the floor. Like Indiana Jones, there stands my son holding the all-consuming treasure that he just HAD to get and gazing at me with this dumbfounded look as if to say, “Did you see that??? Wow! I never thought that would happen!”

I give the offending child an exasperated sigh and say, “Didn’t I tell you, before we left, that I didn’t want you taking stuff from the bottom of the pile???”

“No. You said that you didn’t want us to take a can from the bottom of the pile. You didn’t say anything about apples.”

With superhuman effort, I resist the urge to send my child to the moon and instead focus on the positive - my child actually listened to me and remembered what I said!!! I make a mental note to be a little more specific the next time I give the kids The Grocery Store Lecture.

A little old man looks at all of us and says, “Are all of those your kids?”

Thinking about the apple incident, I reply, “Nope. They just started following me. I’ve never seen them before in my life.”

OK, now onto the bakery section where everything smells so good, I’m tempted to fill my cart with cookies and call it a day. Being on a perpetual diet, I try to hurry past the assortment of pies, cakes, breads, and pastries that have my children drooling. At this point the chorus of “Can we gets” begins.

“Can we get donuts?”
“No.”
“Can we get cupcakes?”
“No.”
“Can we get muffins?”
“No.”
“Can we get pie?”
“No.”

You’d think they’d catch on by this point, but no, they’re just getting started.

In the bakery, they’re giving away free samples of coffee cake and of course, my kids all take one. The toddler decides he doesn’t like it and proceeds to spit it out in my hand. (That’s what moms do. We put our hands in front of our children’s mouths so they can spit stuff into them. We’d rather carry around a handful of chewed up coffee cake, than to have the child spit it out onto the floor. I’m not sure why this is, but ask any mom and she’ll tell you the same.) Of course, there’s no garbage can around, so I continue shopping one-handed while searching for someplace to dispose of the regurgitated mess in my hand.

In the meat department, a mother with one small baby asks me, “Wow! Are all six yours?”
I answer her, “Yes, but I’m thinking of selling a couple of them.”

(Still searching for a garbage can at this point.)

Ok, after the meat department, my kids’ attention spans are spent. They’re done shopping at this point, but we aren’t even halfway through the store. This is about the time they like to start having shopping cart races. And who may I thank for teaching them this fun pastime? My seventh “child”, also known as my husband. While I’m picking out loaves of bread, the kids are running down the aisle behind the carts in an effort to get us kicked out of the store. I put to stop to that just as my son is about to crash head on into a giant cardboard cut-out of a Keebler elf stacked with packages of cookies.

Ah! Yes! I find a small trash can by the coffee machine in the cereal aisle and finally dump out the squishy contents of my hand. After standing in the cereal aisle for an hour and a half while the kids perused the various cereals, comparing the marshmallow and cheap, plastic toy content of each box, I broke down and let them each pick out a box. At any given time, we have twenty open boxes of cereal in my house.

As this is going on, my toddler is playing Houdini and maneuvering his little body out of the seat belt in an attempt to stand up in the cart. I’m amazed the kid made it to his second birthday without suffering a brain damaging head injury. In between trying to flip himself out of the cart, he sucks on the metal bars of the shopping cart. Mmmm, can you say “influenza”?

The shopping trip continues much like this. I break up fights between the kids now and then and stoop down to pick up items that the toddler has flung out of the cart. I desperately try to get everything on my list without adding too many other goodies to the carts.

Somehow I manage to complete my shopping in under four hours and head for the check-outs where my kids start in on a chorus of, “Can we have candy?” What evil minded person decided it would be a good idea to put a display of candy in the check-out lanes, right at a child’s eye level? Obviously someone who has never been shopping with children.

As I unload the carts, I notice many extra items that my kids have sneaked in the carts unbeknownst to me. I remove a box of Twinkies, a package of cupcakes, a bag of candy, and a can of cat food (we don’t even have a cat!). I somehow missed the box of Pokemon cards however and ended up purchasing them unbeknownst to me. As I pay for my purchases, the clerk looks at me, indicates my kids, and asks, “Are they all yours?”

Frustrated, exhausted from my trip, sick to my stomach from writing out a check for $289.53, dreading unloading all the groceries and putting them away and tired of hearing that question, I look at the clerk and answer her in my most sarcastic voice, “No. They’re not mine. I just go around the neighborhood gathering up kids to take to the grocery store because it’s so much more fun that way.”

So, up for auction is an opened (they ripped open the box on the way home from the store) package of Pokemon cards. There are 44 cards total. They're in perfect condition, as I took them away from the kiddos as soon as we got home from the store. Many of them say "Energy". I tried carrying them around with me, but they didn't work. I definitely didn't have any more energy than usual. One of them is shiny. There are a few creature-like things on many of them. One is called Pupitar. Hee hee hee Pupitar! (Oh no! My kids' sense of humor is rubbing off on me!) Anyway, I don't think there's anything special about any of these cards, but I'm very much not an authority on Pokemon cards. I just know that I'm not letting my kids keep these as a reward for their sneakiness.

Shipping is FREE on this item. Insurance is optional, but once I drop the package at the post office, it is no longer my responsibility. For example, if my son decides to pour a bottle of glue into the envelope, or my daughter spills a glass of juice on the package, that’s my responsibility and I will fully refund your money. If, however, I take the envelope to the post office and a disgruntled mail carrier sets fire to it, a pack of wild dogs rip into it, or a mail sorting machine shreds it, it’s out of my hands, so you may want to add insurance. I will leave feedback for you as soon as I’ve received your payment. I will be happy to combine shipping on multiple items won within three days. This comes from a smoke-free, pet-free, child-filled home. Please ask me any questions before placing your bid. Happy bidding! :)

Setting the Record Straight

I've received a couple emails from folks who accused my friend (who won the Pokemon card auction) of falsely bidding the item up high. Well, this doesn't make any sense. She placed her bid in the last few minutes of the auction and won them. How could you possibly say that she raised the price for someone else?

Secondly, a seller pays Ebay a fee for listing their item. Then Ebay charges another fee which is a percentage of the final sale price of said item. Ebay takes their cut. The end. That's how it works which is fine. I didn't withhold payment to Ebay. It isn't even possible to do so.

A seller can accept payments in whatever form they wish. I can accept Paypal if I so choose. I'm equally entitled to accept checks from buyers which is what I did in this case.

Lastly, my friend, who sympathized with me (and perhaps thought she was making an investment as she believes I'll be a published author) won these cards and did, in fact, pay for them. I, however, did not (nor do I intend to) cash her check. C'mon, she's my friend!

So, in fact, I'm out a total of $5.83 from the Pokemon card auction. No spa trips for me on this one. And you know what? I'm 500% fine with this because I got something so much more out of the auction. I feel I have a direction in my life right now. I know what I want to do when I grow up and I fully intend to follow through on it. Life is good!

Now the pattern I have up for sale right now.... well, I'm looking forward to paying a couple bills with that one! :)

Moms of the World Unite! :)

WOW! In regards to Mr. Plagiarism (yes, I'm assuming it's a man. Sorry to my men readers. ;) , I have never received such an outpouring of outrage! I did report it to Ebay right away. Thank you to Annjanette and her husband who first alerted me to his auction. I was laughing so hard reading some of your irate comments about this person. Hee hee - talk about sticking up for a girl! You guys ROCK! Thank you!

You're welcome for the Vitiligo link. I just knew I put it in there for a reason.

The "supposeably" comment made me fall on the floor! "Supposeably. Supposeably? Supposeably." Anyone know what that's from?

A lot of you guys asked me if I kept a diary. Well, I don't so much keep a diary, but I do have seven chapters of stories like the auction one. I've been compiling them in my spare time for almost two years. Sooo, that means you guys won't have to wait too long for a book!

Anyway, I just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU to all of you for sticking up for me! :::sniff sniff::: I'm so touched!

Oh yeah! I almost forgot! I did an interview for the St. Petersburg Times for any of you in FL. I believe it will run in Tuesday's paper. I'm also doing an interview for Fox19 Morning News in Ohio for any of you out that way.

GRRR!

Grrr! A very nice person just brought this to my attention. People who plagiarize just make me mad!!!
They copied my auction word for word. :::shaking head:::

The Answer Is...

Today I've had 77,000 hits to this blog. :::shaking head::: It blows my mind.
I stopped counting after the first three thousand pieces of email I received today. Although the auction is over, people are still leaving me tons of comments through Ebay.

Time for a little more question and answer - the part of the show where you ask me questions and I answer.

YOU: How old are you?
ME: Would you believe 29? No? My kids don't buy it either.

YOU: Did you grow up in New York?
ME: Nope. Although my three year old says "coffee" like his godmother (and much like Coffee Talk's Linda Richman) on Long Island.

YOU: Was the picture of you as a kid sitting by that statue taken at Wisconsin Dells?
ME: Nope, it was taken at Knott's Berry Farm in San Diego.

YOU: Would you like a job listing auctions on Ebay?
ME: Oh gosh no!

YOU: Do you homeschool?
ME: Are you outta your minds?! I know there are many benefits to homeschooling and kudos to all you who do (and from what I've read, there are many of you), but I really don't think I could give my kids a better education than what they're receiving in school. Oh yeah - and then there's the fact that I hardly have the patience to help them with their homework.

YOU: Are you a professional writer?
ME: No. I'm a professional diaper changer. I didn't go to college. I've never taken any writing courses. I actually wrote up that auction in about a half an hour.

YOU: How many kids are you planning on having total?
ME: Two.

YOU: Can you tell us how you made that cake?
ME: Yes. I'll write it in the comments under the cake post. It might take a day or two before I get to it.

YOU: Your husband must really cherish your sense of humor.
ME: I try not to let him see it for fear that I'll lose all power if he thinks I'm a pushover.

YOU: In reference to the picture of my three year old in the Stitch costume with the Darth Vader mask How can that poor kid see to walk?
ME: That poor kid has never walked. Ever. He runs.

YOU: Are you always sarcastic?
ME: I'm never sarcastic.
During a parent/teacher conference when my oldest was in kindergarten, his teacher told me, "Aj has an interesting sense of humor. He's sarcastic. Kids this age don't usually "get" sarcasm." Blushing guiltily, I replied, "Umm yeah, it comes from his father."

YOU: Would you consider doing a reality t.v. show?
ME: NOOOOOO! Are you kidding? You guys think I have patience now. If there were cameras following me around all day, you'd see that I lose my cool and yell at my kids on a regular basis.

YOU: Can I put a link to your auction/blog on my blog?
ME: Of course! From my stat counter I can see where people are coming from when they visit my blog. Although there were several from digg, fark, and reddit yesterday and this morning, they seem to have left and now I'm getting all these hits from mom's groups. Lots and lots of mom's message boards and parenting forums and such from across the world.

YOU: You're invited to join our group. Please stop by.
ME: I would love to join all your wonderful groups, but alas I don't think I could possibly find the time to contribute anything. When things settle down, I will stop by though.

YOU: Do you really shop at the Target on Randall in Algonquin?
ME: I have no idea where this is. I'm not sure where everyone got the idea that I shop there. I guess all the packages of ground round with fingerprints in them.

YOU: Which do you dislike more - taking your kids to the grocery store or to the post office?
ME: Yes.

YOU: Alton Brown had Kool Aid pickles on his show and they're big here in Mississippi. Have you ever tried them?
ME: Are you serious?! You EAT these?

YOU: You should be on Oprah.
ME: ROFL ROFL PIMP!!!!!!!

::::::::::drumroll::::::::::

And the number one question from YOU: Did the person who won pay you for the cards?

ME: Well, funny thing about that. The person who won the cards was actually a friend of mine! She changed her Ebay ID so I wouldn't recognize her. She has five little ones under the age of eight and her husband is in the military so she often has to go it alone. Now she understands how a grocery trip can drive you to drink. She wanted them for posterity and for the laugh. And yes, she popped a check in the mail so Paypal wouldn't take a cut.

And a couple of my favorite quotes from your mail...

"I have been mostly dead all day."

"It's inconceivable how a person could not like that movie!"

In reference to the woman with the kids who always behave perfectly "Her kids only behave because they're afraid of being beaten by the stick that's up her butt."

In reference to parenting "The days are long, but the years are short."


I want to apologize because apparently I've made a lot of moms wet their pants today. I'm sincerely sorry from the bottom of my heart. Having six children myself, I know what it's like to have to cross your legs when you laugh or sneeze. I will put Incontinence Warnings on my posts from now on.

I also want to thank all the military folk out there. So very many of you wrote to say that your husbands were deployed and you were going it alone. Thank you to your husbands for serving and protecting! And thank you to you for going it alone so they can serve and protect.

-------------------------------------------

Creative title, no? I'm just speechless. And anyone who knows me, knows that NEVER happens. I'm still working my way through mail that's coming in faster than I can read, let alone respond to. I thought I'd just post a couple quick highlights from the thousands of comments I've received.

QUESTION: Are they all yours?
ME: That is SO funny! ROFL! Did you just come up with that?

QUESTION: Maybe I just didn't catch the sarcasm, but your feet aren't really amputated, are they?
ME: Yes, they are. Did you catch the sarcasm that time?

I've had numerous comments from people who'd had a bad day, who'd just received bad news, who had recently had surgery and were in pain, or who had just gotten home from a horrid shopping trip with their little ones. They thanked me for brightening their day and giving them a laugh. They thanked ME. Little ole me. Plain, ordinary me. Wow what a boost! Let me tell ya, it feels great to know I made someone feel better.

I've also had countless people write to tell me their own shopping experiences. (I'm saving those to read later.) Thank you for sharing!

I've had innumerable emails from moms (and dads and grandparents and teenagers) telling me that they could totally relate to my story and thanking me for letting them know they are not alone.

I had one (literally ONE out of the thousands of emails) person write and tell me that her kids always behave perfectly in public and are never a source of public humiliation. To her I said-
:::sound of crickets::: OK, that about sums up my response.

For anyone interested in numbers -

As of right now, I've had 18,417 people hit this blog today (despite the fact that the traffic had it down for a while there this morning.)

I've had 149, 023 people hit my auction.

I have 2,736 watchers on this auction.

I've had 1/2 a cup of coffee instead of my usual 6 because I feel like throwing up from all this attention.

I had to call in 2 reinforcements (ie grandma and grandpa) to watch the little ones today so I could sit on my butt reading mail.

I've had 18 finger cramps from typing too much.

I've had 3 job offers.

And we've got about 2 hours to go on this auction!

Overwhelming Email from the Globe!

Remember when I had 500 hits to this blog in one day? :::sigh::: Yep, those were the good ole days. Today I've had almost 11,000 and the number is still climbing. No, that's not a typo. ALMOST ELEVEN THOUSAND! Yesterday I felt so popular and loved. Today, I'm sitting here, staring at this screen, glazed expression on my face, drooling, sweating and starting to hyperventilate.

I so wanted to reply to each and every comment because first off, you took the time to write and I appreciate it. And secondly, there were some really wonderful, humorous comments in there. However, I can't even keep up reading all the comments, let alone replying to them. I've had over 1000 comments on this auction. They're literally filling my box faster than I can read them (and I'm a speedy reader!) What this means is - there are a whole lot of people out there who can relate to the trials and tribulations and joys of motherhood! We're not alone! In fact, there are so many of us, we may be able to take over the world if we play our cards right. ;)

A couple people suggested I post some of the comments on here and I think it's a wonderful idea! Give me a couple days *read a year and a half* to compile a list and check back for them. In case you're interested, I've had visits from the following countries...

US
UK
Canada
Chile
Australia
Germany
Hong Kong
Netherlands
Mexico
New Zealand
Mauritius
Czech. Republic
Austria
Ireland
Sweden
Belgium
Norway
Colombia
Italy
India
Denmark
Greece
France
Panama
Saudi Arabia
Portugal
Philippines
Japan
Republic of Korea
Singapore
Brazil
Macao
Serbia & Montenegro
Turkey
Argentina
Peru
Switzerland
Indonesia
Malaysia
Virgin Islands
Uruguay
Puerto Rico
Costa Rica
Jamaica
Wales
Iceland
Kenya
Sri Lanka
Croatia
Guatemala
Estoria
Armenia
South Africa
Bermuda
Kuwait
Lithuania
Slovenia
Bangladesh
Finland
Thailand
Maldives
Poland
Cyprus
Romania
Russian Federation
United Arab Emirates
Isreal

Whew! It's like I'm an announcer for the Olympics!

About a million people have asked me how to subscribe to my blog. I have NO idea! I'm completely computer stupid. If anyone has a clue, I'd be much obliged if you could clue me in.

So many of you have made wonderful comments on my blog as well. I'm trying to put them all on here. I want to return the favors and visit your blogs and websites too. I'm a little inundated right now, but will make every effort to do so in the next couple weeks.

I took my daughter to the doctor this morning and was all prepared to come home and post about my visit to the doctor when I logged on to a billion pieces of mail. (Notice the numbers keep climbing?) :D Anyway, that one will have to wait.

Thank you again to everyone who has read, commented, and passed this on to friends!

Paula Deen Does Not Have to Worry About Losing Her Job

First I have a shameless plug for my auction running on Ebay right now. Check it out if you have a minute. Click to watch this auction, and write me a comment if you're so inclined. Thank you!

My kids love to watch The Food Network. They enjoy trying out new recipes. Many times we've pulled an Alton Brown, Rachel Ray, or Paula Deen recipe off Foodnetwork.com and worked together to make it. Other times, however, my kids decide to come up with interesting concoctions on their own. Today my 12 year old son made donuts. At least that's what he said they were. In the process, he managed to melt my slotted spoon.

I thought you said the oil was 300 degrees?

It was! I think. I'm pretty sure. Wait, did you say three-hundred?

I wish I had taken a picture of my kitchen before I helped him clean up. It looked something like this.

After that my 3 year old broke a picture frame. How, you ask? He scaled the wall, Spiderman style, and knocked the frame off the wall.

A little later in the day, my 6 year old innocently closed the back storm door and a pane of glass fell out.

Such is a day in the life of me.

Mmmm appetizing, no? Light, fluffy buttermilk donuts with a dusting of cinnamon and sugar. Or something like that.

My poor slotted spoon

It Never Ends

First, a little plug for my Ebay auctions. If you sew, check them out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My husband is Mr. Fixit. He remodels bathrooms and kitchens, he paints, wallpapers, does plumbing, electrical, drywall, removes asbestos, and installs flooring. He does this in everyone's house but ours. He just finished remodeling our bathroom after fifteen years. For fifteen years that bathroom sat there untouched, a breeding ground for mold so thick we opened our own penicillin factory. The bathtub leaked and the windowsill in the shower was rusted. ( I'd like to know what idiot thought it was a good idea to put a metal window in a shower stall!) It was only a matter of time before someone sat down on the toilet, only to fall into the crawl space because the floor was all dry rot. But alas, the cobbler's children have no shoes....

So, Mr. Fixit went to do an estimate on a job at a coworker's house tonight. The homeowner's bathroom had significant water damage. The drywall had to be replaced from the floor to about three feet up the wall. My husband asked, "What happened here?"

The homeowner replied, "Well my kids ran out of toilet paper so they thought that paper towels would be a good substitution. When the paper towels didn't flush, they tried flushing again and again.

Mr. Fixit looked confused and asked, "Aren't your kids in college?

"YES!" she replied. "It never ends! The stupid stuff never goes away! They don't get any better as they get older."

There goes the remaining shred of hope I had for my kids.

Welcome to my Blog about Kids and the Chaos They Bring

Welcome to my blog, a place where you can read about my children's adventures and realize that your own kids aren't so bad after all. Or perhaps my blog will be a source of birth control for some. Maybe a young entrepreneur will read this and decide that boot camp for toddlers is actually a very lucrative idea. Perhaps some will be able to relate to the antics of which I will write and will get a laugh out of this blog. Whatever your reasons for reading, thank you and welcome!


I'd like to start with something I wrote back in March of 2005. It's a little story about how a baseball started a day of chaos with my kids. I used the story to sell the baseball as an auction on Ebay. I don’t know what possessed me to make an auction of it, but I did. Now, I believe things happen for a reason. For example - you slip and fall because the kids have poured soap all over the kitchen floor. When you fall to the ground, you see your car keys, that have been missing for two days, shoved under the oven. If the kids hadn’t poured soap on the floor, you wouldn’t have fallen and had you not fallen, it could’ve been years before finding your car keys. See? Things happen for a reason.



Anyway, I auctioned off a dirty old, used baseball on Ebay. My auction attracted the attention of over 220,000 people and I ended up selling the ball for $1125.00! And, best of all, I received emails from thousands of people telling me that I should write a book about parenting. At first, I thought to myself - now how am I going to find the time to write a book? I barely have time to write a check to the grocery store to cover the cost of the damage my kids did on our last shopping trip! I also wondered if I could think of enough things about which to write. And really, I'm the last person on earth who should write a book about parenting, unless it's a book on what NOT to do.


So, instead of writing a book, I decided to find a couple minutes a day to blog. Oh yes, and the fear that I wouldn’t be able to think of enough things about which to write? Well, I don’t think I’ll ever run out of ideas as my kids happily provide me with fresh, new material every day.
I think an appropriate way to start off this blog is with a copy of that fateful Ebay listing, I hope you enjoy it!

The Ball That Started it All

I'm selling the baseball that started my wonderful first day of spring break. Do you want to know why I'm selling the baseball that started off my wonderful first day of spring break? Only because Ebay won't let me sell my kids who were playing with the baseball that started my wonderful day. Is spring break over yet?! Here's the whole story...

First, my boys (10 year old and 6 year old) decided it would be a good idea to play baseball in their room instead of getting up and watching tv like normal kids. Well, let me tell you, it is NEVER a good thing to awake to the sound of crashing glass. Thankfully, it was just their light and not the window this time. So, I go to clean up the glass in the boys' room when I hear those delightful words, "Mooooooom, Lexi tried to flush her pull-up in the toilet and water's EVERYWHERE!"

Grrr, ok, the broken glass gets put on hold while I get the mop for the bathroom and try to dislodge the soggy diaper that's stopping up the toilet. Let me tell you - this is not fun stuff when you haven't even had your coffee yet! Before I can clean up the waterlogged bathroom, the baby starts crying. Sooo, I leave the bathroom mess to grab the baby and change his diaper. The diaper pail is full, so I pull the bag of dirty diapers out and start for the door so I can dump them outside before the toxic smell kills us all. Do I make it outside? Noooo, of course not. I get side tracked by my 3 year old who is finger painting on the TV with yogurt.
Lovely. Let's recap - Broken glass in the boys' room, Flooded toilet, Smelly diapers, Yogurt covered TV, and it's only 9:00.

OK, I put the baby in his highchair, toss him some Cheerios, throw the diapers outside, grab the glass cleaner and get to work on the TV all the while yelling at my 6 year old to get dressed. Does he get dressed? Nooooo. Instead, he takes out my 10 year old's hermit crab to "play with it". He gets scared and drops the poor crab who scurries away into the pile of clothes and toys and STUFF that permanently covers the floor of the boys' room. Will the fun never end? So, I start searching among all the stuff and broken glass for the crab.

In the meantime, my 3 year old takes out the maple syrup and pours it on the tray of the highchair. By the time I find the crab and return him to the relative safety of his tank, the baby is glued to the highchair with maple syrup. It's covering his jammies, his hands, his hair, and the curtains that he's able to reach from his chair. Lucky me. Before throwing the baby in the tub, I take down the curtains and start a load of laundry.

So I put a movie on for my 3 and my 6 year old (aka partners in crime). Ahhhh peace. I bathe the baby and get him dressed, but before I can play one game of Peek-A-Boo with him, I hear the little ones fighting over a crayon. I put the baby in the play pen and break up The Great Crayon Battle. Then I notice that there were casualties in The Great Crayon Battle. Namely my leather chair and the wall in the living room. At this point, the broken glass and flooded bathroom are all but forgotten as I work on scrubbing crayon off the wall. There has GOT to be a boot camp for toddlers somewhere!

The baby picks this day to learn a new trick. It's called, 'Hey I can escape from the play pen!' I have no idea how he managed to pull himself out of that thing, but he did. Want to know how I know he escaped? Because I heard the 3 year old shouting from the kitchen, "Moooooom, the baby is eating Puppy Chow!" I drop my cleaning sponge and run to the kitchen to find my baby sitting in a pool of water from the dog's dish, and happily munching away on dog food. Oh well. At least I won't have to feed him lunch.

I manage to change him. Again. I confiscate the older kids' Gameboys and put them to work making lunch for everyone. It's noon by now and I haven't showered, or finished the laundry, or washed the dishes from breakfast, or mopped up the bathroom, or cleaned up the broken glass, or scrubbed the crayon off the wall, or hung the curtains back up. But, on the bright side, there haven't been any broken bones or a need for stitches, so all in all, it's a good day.

After lunch, I banish 4 of the kids outside and lay the baby down for a nap. I clean up the peanut butter and Kool-Aid mess in the kitchen from where my oldest kids made lunch. Ahhh peace and quiet at last. I bake a birthday cake for my sister while the kids are playing nicely outside. Then I think to myself - 'They're playing nicely??? Wait a minute. They must be up to something!' Sure enough, the 3 year old is throwing globs of wet sand against the house and the 10 year old is trying to tie a rope to the chimney so he can repel down the side of the garage. WHERE DO THEY COME UP WITH THIS STUFF???!

While the cake is cooling inside, I help my kids clean up outside and play catch with them for a while. I don't happen to notice that the 3 and the 6 year olds disappear inside at some point. When I go inside to check on them and see if the baby is still sleeping, I see that the partners in crime have gotten into my cake decorating box and have painted themselves with black icing color! AARRRGGGHHH!!! I throw my little black-faced children in the tub and attempt to clean up the trail of black color on my kitchen table and the walls. While goofing off in the bathtub, they manage to knock a hole in the wall! That's right - A HOLE! We knew the wall was getting a little spongy, but having 5 kids tends to drain you financially and we just hadn't been able to do any remodeling. Sooo, now we have a hole in the wall which just lends to overall ambience of our "oh so classy" home.

This is about the time I start thinking that rum would be a good way to end the day. Oh yes, to top it off, my husband comes home and asks, "So, what did you do today?" GRRRR!
So, up for sale is the baseball that broke the light and started off my wonderful first day of spring break. I'd like to say that this is just one isolated day of insanity, but unfortunately this is pretty much my life. And yes, I actually did stop in the middle of the chaos to take pictures because everyone tells me that one day I'll look back fondly and laugh. (I have my doubts about this theory.)

PS - If anyone knows Super Nanny, send her my way!!!