Thursday, August 11, 2022

How to Get Rid of Forehead Wrinkles

I’m thirty-twenty-two years old. That somehow sounds better than “52.” Or maybe that just makes it sound like I’m seriously math impaired. Which I am. But still . . .

Anyway, so I’m thirty-twenty-two and I feel old. I mean, my grandmother is 101 so in comparison, I’m still youngish. But really, yeah, I feel old. Recently I’ve noticed wrinkles on my face. I don’t look like the crypt keeper, or you know, Keith Richards or anything. Yet. But it’s coming. I can tell. And I’m torn between wanting to grow old gracefully, and wanting to fight it tooth and nail.

Anyway, maybe it’s because this summer, I binge-watched the show Botched. Have you seen this? In the show, these L.A. plastic surgeons fix botched nose jobs, boob jobs, and other plastic-surgeries-gone-bad. That should deter me from wanting to fight the aging process, right? But nope. It made me start considering Botox. By “considering,” really I mean that the thought of Botox fleetingly crossed my brain only to be instantly discarded because

1. I can’t afford anything like that!

I don’t think I want needles stuck in my face.

3. What if I have a bad reaction and I end up looking like Glimmer in The Hunger Games after being stung by Tracker Jackers.

    Or this guy in Just go with It.

    So, instead of searching for dermatologists, I looked for miracle creams, lotions, and potions that claimed to smooth out wrinkles. I found a product on Amazon. It had a 4.9 rating and the reviews were promising. This product wasn’t a face mask, or a moisturizing cream. No, it was stickers. Yes, you read that correctly. It was a pack of stickers that one applies to one’s face before bed. One sleeps with these stickers affixed to one’s face, and in the morning, one peels them off to reveal fresh, wrinkle-free skin. The reviews claimed, “This product worked amazingly!” “Wow this really does help!” “ . . . immediate results” “. . .  easy to use” “. . .  great results” “. . . lines a lot less noticeable” “My wrinkles have vanished!”

Sign me up! 135 people can’t be wrong. Face stickers for the win!

So I got these stickers, and the first thing I noticed was the packaging. There was an address on the box that listed Ireland. Perhaps the verbiage on the package was translated from Irish? I thought that English was the language most spoken in Ireland, but who knows? Or maybe it was written by illiterate 2nd graders. Or monkeys. Still, if you’re going to save money by having a monkey write your advertising, you might want to consider splurging on an editor to translate the monkey-ese to English. Just a suggestion.

random capitalization, spelling errors, poor grammar , , ,

Despite the poorly written verbiage on the packaging, I excitedly applied the stickers to my face before bedtime. I held my skin taut and carefully smoothed the sticker across my forehead. I continued with a few more stickers around my mouth. Ta da! I went to sleep with the knowledge I was going to look amazing when I awoke!

wrinkles on my forehead

wrinkles all around my mouth

I pulled the tape off as soon as I woke up. Are you ready for the "after" pictures? Brace yourselves for the awesomeness!

The angry look is just my usual "morning face."

Well, the wrinkles ARE less visible. However, my skin is all rippled and wavy from the way the tape bunched up which, I'm sure you'll all agree, is a huge improvement.

And here we have the original wrinkles plus some extra BONUS wrinkles! Score!

Feeling a little extra stupid after this um, experiment, I decided there was only one reasonable way to fix the wrinkles on my forehead.


1988 called. They want their hairstyle back.

I began blow-drying my hair, but stopped when I realized I was starting to resemble my high school pictures. If only I had a can of Aquanet. Do they even still make Aquanet? I'm pretty sure the females (actually, the males too. I mean, this was the 80s afterall) in the senior class of my high school alone are probably responsible for the hole in the ozone. 

Anyway, my forehead wrinkles are gone. It didn't cost me a cent, and I didn't end up looking like poor Glimmer. I am a beauty EXPERT, you guys!


Ernie said...

Oh goodness. I've decided not to worry about the aging process. I think it is inevitable. I know that I've earned all of my gray hairs. Let's just say wrinkles make us look distinguished.

I'm laughing at the 80's wanting the hairstyle back. At my high school, girls carried little portable curling irons in their purses. I feel like they ran on plutonium or something, but that can't be right, can it? It was the 80s though.

Unknown said...

"Plutonium!" LOL!!! I had one of those! I loved it! The Clicker! It ran on lighter fluid! I wish they still made Clickers, but I guess somewhere along the line, they figured out that butane + hair = fire.

Bonnie said...

I'm 57 and I get it. I was struggling with the way I looked post-menopause and then I was diagnosed with breast cancer and put on drugs that are like menopause on steroids. I've developed melasma on the sides of my face that my pixie haircut cannot hide. Maybe I'll just get some of those stickers and put them over the dark spots! Any other beauty tips are appreciated!

Cindy said...

This is too funny! The gimmicks that people are trying to sell nowadays. I love the bangs! Much better than the stickers! :)

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