Wednesday, September 23, 2020

I'm Sharing Because Visits to the Gyno are SO MUCH FUN

I had my annual gyno check-up today. I know, I know, contain your jealousy. As much as I hate going to the doctor, especially for this kind of appointment, I admit I'd rather have a pap smear every day of my life than to go to the dentist even once. That might make me a freak, but I bet I'm not alone on this one. Someone back me up here!

Anyway, so I specifically made an appointment with a female doctor because I'm just more comfortable with a woman doctor poking around "down there."

I sat in my car until I got a text from the office that I could come in. Upon entering the building, I had to answer some COVID-related questions and have my temperature taken. Then I proceeded toward the elevators, but some guy was standing in the middle of the hallway blocking the whole thing while he obliviously texted on his phone. I made a slightly dramatic show of walking around him because I'm immature like that people who are clueless to the fact that they share this planet with others tick me off. And it doesn't matter if they're cute young guys. Not that I noticed he was a cute young guy.

When I was called back into the doctor's office, the nurse weighed me and commented on my shoes. 

"I love your shoes! I'm going to get a pair of those. I do baking on the side," she explained.

"I just like doughnuts," I returned as I stepped on the scale. Seeing the number that came up, I muttered, "That might have something to do with my weight."

She lead me to a room, took my blood pressure, and asked a few questions. Then she said, "Stacy will have our newest midwife, Alex with her. Is that okay?"

"Sure, the more the merrier," I said only slightly sarcastically. 

"Okay, Stacy will be in with him soon," she said as she departed.

"Wait! Him? Alex is a him? The midwife is a he? Did she just say him?" I resigned myself to having a guy look on while she did her thing down there.

I changed and hopped up on the table to await the fun.

After a brief knock on the door (side note: I never know what to do there. Are you supposed to say, "Come in?" I never do that. But that has literally never stopped a doctor from walking right in as soon as they knock. Hmmm . . .) Anyway, after a knock, Alex enters. Alex is a guy. Alex is the guy. Alex is the guy I walked around when I first entered the building. Alex is the cute young guy I walked around when I first entered the building. Because I am just super lucky like that. And Stacy is nowhere in sight. A nurse enters and stands to the side while this guy gets out the jack that will pry open my cervix. So it looks like all my planning in making an appointment with a female doctor paid off!

He asks, "What kind of birth control are you using?"

"I've been single for 11 years," I answer dryly. 

Judging by the look on his face, he wasn't sure whether to laugh or feel sorry for me, but he dropped his line of questioning.

"Do you have any questions for me?"

"Well, I'm not too thrilled with the fact that I can go 2-3 months without a period and then other times I get it after only 2 or 3 weeks. And I never used to get PMS, but now I get a raging headache and moodiness bordering on a multiple personality disorder. I assume this is normal because I'm at the fun-filled age of 50?"

"Yeah, that can happen," he stated and I thought to myself - Oh what does a 20 year old boy know about it?

Then he said, "Well, I won't torture you too much. You don't need a pap because it's recommended to do them every 5 years when you get to this age. I'll just do the pelvic exam."

"You do realize that if you have to put your hands up my hoo ha anyway, then it doesn't really matter if you stick a Q-tip up there as well, right? I mean, that really doesn't spare anyone any torture."

Uncomfortable silence.

Trying to make amends for my smart mouth, "Well, at least you're not drilling my teeth so it's okay."


Charlie said...

100% rather have a Pap smear every single day of my life than go to the dentist! Hands down, no contest. Couldn’t agree more. Right there with you Dawn. Can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t agree with this!

Liz said...

You are not giving me much confidence in my gyno appointment later this week...:p

Nana Mama said...

The "Phenomenal Female Fifties" .... when periods can occur every 2-3 weeks or last that long! I'd rather take the q-tip up the hoo ha that the nose for a COVID test.... GOD help us - it's 2020!

Rainbo said...

I'm still debating which I hate the worse but at my age the dentist is certainly the most painful. But look at it this way, you made a lot of us laugh about it and that's a good thing. Isn't it? ? ?

Ernie said...

Oh gosh. I am still hung up on the male presence. I HATE going to the gyno, even seeing a female. So unpleasant. I guess I have had limited dental difficulties because I would show up and beg for an unscheduled appointment to happen vs the gyno. You are right, go ahead and do a pap if you are up in there anyway.

Steph said...

If it makes you feel any better, I went for 8 months without a period before Mother Nature laughed and laughed and gave it to me again...
I am one of those that would prefer to get my teeth cleaned everyday rather than have a pap, so was extremely happy at my last visit when I was told I could go three more years!

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