Sunday, April 2, 2017

The Reason There's a Sparkly Frog on the Loose

I was curled up on the couch with my book when, out of the corner of my eye, I sensed something brown and buglike. Great, there’s a creature in my apartment. Before I could turn my head to look at it and/or scream for my kids to get it, I sensed, from the corner of my eye, that it kind of hopped in a very unbuglike way. Great, it’s a mutant bug with hopping powers. Naturally, I jumped up on the couch and yelled for the kids. “There’s a hopping bug! It’s brown! It hopped! It’s under the couch, I think. IT HOPPED! Get it! Get it! GET IT!!!”

Clay came to my rescue and started looking under the couch. “There’s nothing there, Mom.”

“Yes, there is!” I squealed, only slightly maniacal.

“Oh wait, I see it! It’s a frog It’s a tiny, tiny frog!” Clay announced, his head stuck under the couch.

“Ohmygosh! A frog?! Get it! Get it before he hops into my bedroom and kills me in my sleep!”

I jumped off the couch and ran. Of course, I didn’t actually run. Run is just an expression that means scream and trip over your kids while trying to get away and save yourself.

Clay shone his phone's flashlight under the couch. I gathered my courage and pulled the couch away from the wall so Clay could find it more easily.

“I can’t find it. He disappeared,” Clay said, giving up.

“No, you HAVE to find it! He didn’t disappear! He’s just waiting to come out and scare us! Find him! Keep looking!”

I pulled out the other couch under which Brooklyn has a poster she made of the solar system. There’s enough glitter on that poster to light up Hollywood. I thought the frog had hopped between the folds of the poster. I waited for him to emerge and spread glittery fairy dust throughout the apartment. At least we'll be able to find him if we follow the trail of sparkles. I wondered what his frog friends would think of his fabulous new look when he returned to the pond.

While I was standing a safe distance from the poster, Brooklyn suddenly yelled, “Ohmygosh!” This prompted Lexi to look up and scream, “Oh jeez!” which, of course, completely freaked me so I started screaming bloody murder, convinced the mutant frog was killing my children one by one. I heard laughing at the open front door where Savannah was standing. She decided to stop by the apartment because, in her words, “I need help, Mom. I can’t adult.” Apparently, when Savannah walked in the apartment it scared Brooklyn, causing her to scream, which scared Lexi, causing her to scream, which scared me, causing me to scream. Meanwhile, Savannah fell to the floor laughing, not even knowing what was going on. Clay continued searching for the mutant glitter frog while the girls and I laughed uncontrollably which is the only way you can laugh when your adrenaline-to-blood ratio is off the charts.

We (and when I say “we”, I mean “my kids and NOT me” decided to run to the store.) I wanted to stay and stand guard to make sure the frog didn’t invite his friends over and stage a coup. As I was beginning to get hysterical, Lexi suddenly exclaimed, “I found it!” She scooped it up and relocated it outside.

I, as usual, required proof because I’m convinced my kids say they’ve gotten rid of creatures when they actually haven't just to appease me. I got a picture of the frog next to her hand for proof. Don’t let the size fool you though. What did Shakespeare say? Though she be but little, she is fierce.

When I related the story to a friend, he suggested I kiss it. Now, I enjoy making out with amphibians as much as the next person, but I've kissed enough frogs from to last a lifetime thankyouverymuch. I am not that interested in finding a prince. Just no.

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