Sunday, October 12, 2014

This, my Friends, is Online Dating

my last blind date
Since all my friends on Facebook have been stalking the guy I'm dating and asking me where we met, I figured I'd explain here. Although I was very tempted to create an entertaining story of how we met that does not include online dating in any way, shape, or form, I opted for the truth. I met him online. Now I know that sounds pretty lame, but it was actually quite an adventure. Before I met Frank, I had to weed though 300-some emails from men who are single for a very good reason. Don't believe me? Here are a few of the emails I received from guys on the dating site. They are copied and pasted, word-for-word, with no editing, here. I don't know why, but when a potential date can only come up with - Hey hot stuff, for an introductory email, I feel the need to bang my head against the wall (and then blog about all the idiocy and social ineptness out there.)

Really? That's the best you can do?

See above.

hi there

Hello beautiful
Wow again.

Hi how r u..
I'm speechless.

Hey hows it goin?
Is this rhetorical?

Hi how are you?
I give up.

Hi there. How are ya?
:::banging my head against the wall:::

Hi beautiful. How are you? I am Billy. I would love to meet you.
Well, you might want to meet a stranger based on nothing more than a profile picture, but I make it a habit not to meet anyone who addresses a stranger with "Hi beautiful."

So sexy
That's almost a complete sentence. Keep trying.

I adore your smile you are awesomely beautiful my name is Karl what is yours and your favorite color
Hi my name is Dawn it's nice to meet you my favorite color is pink and my hobby is trying to decipher writing that doesn't contain any punctuation.

You seem like a real spitfire. 
Uh thanks?

How do you like online dating?
I like it a little less with each email I receive.

Yep you're quite hot
Gee, thanks. It IS Florida in August, after all.

just a quick message
Yes? I'm listening. Oh wait, you mean that was the message?

I am a recent FL transplant From CO (native) Looking to meet some new people and make new friends. I would like to know if you would be interested in setting up a date sometime for dinner, drinks or a cup of coffee to get to know each other better let me know what your schedules like and let's see if we can't set something up.
You're asking for a date and giving me your phone number in your first email to me. Either you're some sort of sociopath who wants to make a suit out of my skin or you're selling something. Surprisingly, I'm not interested in either.

Can you turn those eyes off? It's like cheating!!!
And this, kids, is why you should never do drugs.

Grew up in a house full of kids knew right wear your coming from
You were educated in Florida, weren't you?

we would look great together !!! :- )
Well, now that's a matter of opinion.

i agree
That's great! Wait, what?

Okay where to start. Here's a little something about me and what you could except. When it comes to a relation honesty and trust are key. I consider myself a gentlmen and will treat you like a lady. Looking for someone to enjoy eachothers company and hopefully lead to a future together. I have quite the busy schedule do I perfer to plan although I don' t mind being spontatious. Enjoy making people laugh, good convertsation, good food, music and out door activities.
Okay, where to start? Thank you for all this information I didn't want. Also, thank you for helping me to practice patience and restraint because my first inclination was to correct all your errors and send this back to you with a big red, D- scrawled across the top.

Good morning mom.
Mom? Don't tell me my kids are doing online dating!

how's the laughing going
How's the learning to write an email going?

Hey sweetie!..your eye's keep catching me everytime is shown...have to say hello again..i'm Gregg..your looking right through me!....
Oh, I'm looking right through you, alright.

very, very funny....... :)
My profile is funny? Or my pictures are funny? Or your attempt at an introductory email is funny?

Hello, im stephen
We breaking up already?
It's been a while since I've dated, but I'm pretty sure you have to have a relationship before you can break up, and since this is your very first email to me . . . You know what? Yes, yes we're breaking up.

Beautiful eyes...and that's no joke...
Oh, I'm glad you specified! I almost laughed out loud at your compliment! Whew! Faux pas averted!

Good Afternoon my beautiful queen. When I first saw your profile, all I could say was WOW a beautiful queen that knows how to write and get straight to the point lol
I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Go Pack Go
Yep, that's how to win a Chicagoan; talk about the Packers.

You look lovely .. and your funny . I like your eyes cheers randy
My funny what? What are eyes cheers randy?

Hello there, wanted to let you know as I've been swimming around this big ole sea its easy to swim right on by most of the fish. And the bright flashes of some catch your attention and after closer examination many are nice enough but not quite what I'm looking for. But for a barracuda life on the reef is waiting for that one combination of brilliance and looks evident at once to swim by. So when prowling the shoals what should arrest my attention, but an auburn haired beauty that reached thru the masses and grabbed me instantly. So what say you gorgeous, then but repent and I shall speedily whisk you up in my strong arms and share our blended lives together.
Sincerely Your
How exactly would one go about obtaining a restraining order?

How long does a guy have to know you before you show him your blog?
Ah, but then I wouldn't be able to write about all my awful dates. And let's not underestimate the possibility of a potential date finding the post I wrote about my colonoscopy. I'm pretty sure I'd have a hard time looking someone in the eye, knowing he'd read the details of my explosive diarrhea.

Very beautiful
Hello and how are you? You have very beautiful eyes..
Hi beautiful would love to find out if your heart is as beautiful as you
Very attractive lady
Just wanted to compliment you on your eyes. Very Niiiice!!! Joe
You're gorgeous
You're gorgeous..will u marry me :-)
Wow are sure are strikingly beautiful!
you have amazing eyes
great profile very beautiful woman
You are gorgeous!
you are beautifull
I'm in love with your eyes
your eyes are something else
Wow, you are simply stunning. Tim
You look absolutely Breathtaking! Matthew
Hi, my name is Don. How are you?
Wow. What a pretty lady. : )
very pretty
Dear every single guy who has written something along the lines of the above emails, stop. Just stop. Please, for the love of God, stop! Try reading the profile. Find something else to comment on, something of substance, anything else. Thank you.

This is merely a tiny fraction of the insanity that's out there, my friends. Suddenly your husband's dirty laundry on the floor doesn't seem so bad, does it? When faced with this dating pool, your spouse's incessant football-watching is no longer that big of a deal, is it? So when I got Frank's email which sounded normal and sane, AND referenced The Brady Bunch and Seinfeld, I had to respond. That was over a month ago. We haven't stopped talking since.  :)


noexcuses said...

:) So very happy for you, Dawn!

Tonya Staab said...

Okay, so I may have been one of those Facebook friends who popped over to his profile just to see who the lucky guy is :). I'm so happy for you. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

And I met my guy on-line too.

The on-line dating pool, it's frightening really.

pbo said...

You are awesome and funny! I was cracking up at this blog. I wish you only the best!

Korinthia Klein said...

Aw, I'm so happy for you!

dhaynes said...

So where is Frank's? We want to see what caught your attention!!

Sarah said...

Good for you! Very happy to hear this! Can't wait to hear about any future developments!

Jazzy said...

What she said.

What did I just say? said...

This cracked me up!

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