10. It's the anniversary of a massacre.
Al Capone had the right idea. Instead of sending flowers, he sent his buddies to kill seven members of the Bugs Moran gang. I'm sure there was a good reason for it though. Bugs had probably forgotten to make dinner reservations forcing the gangsters to dine at Denny's.
9. No one even has a clue why we celebrate Valentine's Day.
Is it for the three martyrs named Valentine? Is it because of the Feast of Lupercalia? Is it because Hallmark and DeBeers say we should?
8. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
If you buy into the commercialism of the holiday, then you're only giving gifts/going out to dinner because the holiday is dictating you must do those things. Where's the meaning? If you refuse to be sucked into the commercialism, your significant other is going to be mad. I mean, like not talking to you for a month, mad. I mean, like canceling your subscription to Sports Illustrated, shredding your baseball season tickets, and dumping your sorry butt, mad. Especially if you're the guy in this scenario because whether or not your girl is into Valentine's Day, her friends are. And they will compare notes.
7. Heart candies are horrible.
Those stupid little heart candies taste like chalk and are hard enough to break a tooth. Not to mention, they say stupid things. They should make candies like these. . .
6. Valentine's Day starts sucking in grade school.
Yep, even little kids in grade school aren't immune to the suckiness that is Valentine's Day. Every year, kids come home in tears because they didn't get a valentine from so & so, but he gave the rest of the class one. And so & so didn't accept your valentine because "you have cooties". The drama starts early and never ends.
5. The jealousy factor can kill you.
When you're single, you certainly want your friends to be happy and would rather see them in love than alone and miserable. But, at the same time, there's that part of you that wishes
them a slow, painful death you had a special someone too.
4. Is it the thought that counts?
Sure, the thought counts, but what are you trying to say when you stop at the gas station on the way home to pick up a gift for your sweetheart? I mean, I like scratch-off lottery tickets, Snickers bars and lighters as much as the next person, but they don't exactly scream, I care enough about you to put a little effort into your present. The same goes for sending a virtual teddy bear hug on Facebook.
3. Who decided that chocolate should be part of the Valentine's Day ritual, anyway?
Not that I have anything against chocolate, of course. I could eat chocolate for every meal without any problems. Well, except for the problem of not being able to fasten my jeans anymore. But a lot of people start their annual diets January 1st, in the hopes of taking off that holiday weight in time for swimsuit weather. And then that evil Valentine's Day comes along and suddenly you have five pounds of chocolate staring you in the face. You can't just leave it there or give it to your kids. You have to eat it. It's the law. And there goes your diet.
2. Sappy love songs become increasingly annoying on Valentine's Day.
You feel like John Cusack in Better Off Dead when he rips the radio out of his car and launches it out the window while it continues to play songs about breaking up as a reminder that you're all alone. And even if you're in a loving relationship, hearing those cheesy love songs makes you want to vomit. Really, is there any other time of year, where you want to hear Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack? And what kind of name is Peabo anyway???
1. Valentine's Day's mascot is creepy.
Who wants to celebrate a holiday represented by a manbaby in a diaper who flies around shooting people with his bow and arrows??? If Cupid was hanging around your neighborhood, you'd be dialing 9-1-1 faster than you can say "registered offender".