Sunday, February 13, 2011

Top Ten Reasons Why Valentine's Day Sucks

10. It's the anniversary of a massacre.
Al Capone had the right idea. Instead of sending flowers, he sent his buddies to kill seven members of the Bugs Moran gang. I'm sure there was a good reason for it though. Bugs had probably forgotten to make dinner reservations forcing the gangsters to dine at Denny's.

9. No one even has a clue why we celebrate Valentine's Day.
Is it for the three martyrs named Valentine? Is it because of the Feast of Lupercalia? Is it because Hallmark and DeBeers say we should?

8. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
If you buy into the commercialism of the holiday, then you're only giving gifts/going out to dinner because the holiday is dictating you must do those things. Where's the meaning? If you refuse to be sucked into the commercialism, your significant other is going to be mad. I mean, like not talking to you for a month, mad. I mean, like canceling your subscription to Sports Illustrated, shredding your baseball season tickets, and dumping your sorry butt, mad. Especially if you're the guy in this scenario because whether or not your girl is into Valentine's Day, her friends are. And they will compare notes.

7. Heart candies are horrible.
Those stupid little heart candies taste like chalk and are hard enough to break a tooth. Not to mention, they say stupid things. They should make candies like these. . .

6. Valentine's Day starts sucking in grade school.
Yep, even little kids in grade school aren't immune to the suckiness that is Valentine's Day. Every year, kids come home in tears because they didn't get a valentine from so & so, but he gave the rest of the class one. And so & so didn't accept your valentine because "you have cooties". The drama starts early and never ends.

5. The jealousy factor can kill you.
When you're single, you certainly want your friends to be happy and would rather see them in love than alone and miserable. But, at the same time, there's that part of you that wishes them a slow, painful death you had a special someone too.

4. Is it the thought that counts?
Sure, the thought counts, but what are you trying to say when you stop at the gas station on the way home to pick up a gift for your sweetheart? I mean, I like scratch-off lottery tickets, Snickers bars and lighters as much as the next person, but they don't exactly scream, I care enough about you to put a little effort into your present. The same goes for sending a virtual teddy bear hug on Facebook.

3. Who decided that chocolate should be part of the Valentine's Day ritual, anyway?
Not that I have anything against chocolate, of course. I could eat chocolate for every meal without any problems. Well, except for the problem of not being able to fasten my jeans anymore. But a lot of people start their annual diets January 1st, in the hopes of taking off that holiday weight in time for swimsuit weather. And then that evil Valentine's Day comes along and suddenly you have five pounds of chocolate staring you in the face. You can't just leave it there or give it to your kids. You have to eat it. It's the law. And there goes your diet.

2. Sappy love songs become increasingly annoying on Valentine's Day.
You feel like John Cusack in Better Off Dead when he rips the radio out of his car and launches it out the window while it continues to play songs about breaking up as a reminder that you're all alone. And even if you're in a loving relationship, hearing those cheesy love songs makes you want to vomit. Really, is there any other time of year, where you want to hear Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack? And what kind of name is Peabo anyway???

1. Valentine's Day's mascot is creepy.
Who wants to celebrate a holiday represented by a manbaby in a diaper who flies around shooting people with his bow and arrows??? If Cupid was hanging around your neighborhood, you'd be dialing 9-1-1 faster than you can say "registered offender".


Anonymous said...

life can be seriously so funny i never think

Frau Mahlzahn said...

Oh, do I agree. Especially, if you have a husband, who lets you down in the morning and walks out on you despite the fact that you have an important appointment _and_ a sick kid... and comes home at night with flowers, thinking _that_ will make up for it... But, boy, is it fun to slap him with the flowers! (That should teach him, *ggg*).

But on the bright side, follow the link to see what our oldest one did for us this morning:

Jelly in form of a heart, and chocolade that she meltet to put in heart forms. So sweet!

So long,

Kathy said...

I completely agree! I really like your version of heart candies.

Melissa said...

Love it, esp the last one!

MyMom said...

Couldn't agree more, you had to be reading my mind!!!!!!

Kelly L said...

Funny... My 14 year old came to me crying yesterday that ALL her friends have boyfriends for Valentines but her.... oh geez...

Love to you
I've Become My Mother

Tonia said...

Well for those who think this is a dumb holiday as you do here's another way to view the day and a better reason to wear red:

Written by: Cynthia R.
I want everyone to forget about the contrived and unnecessary day that is Valentines and instead think of Feb 14 as Heart Kids Awareness Day. 1 in 100 babies are Born With A Broken Heart and that is far more important in my eyes. Today 6 moms will have a baby born with a congenital heart defect(CHD)they wont care how many flowers and chocolates they have around them.

I'm sure Cynthia is a heart mom like I am. I copied the post. All of us heart moms have been posting all week because CHD Awareness week if Feb 7-14.

Some of the facts:

# 1 birth defect

# 1 cause of birth defect related deaths

About 1 out of every 100 babies are born each year with some type of CHD. (approx 40,000/year)

Nearly twice as many children die from CHD in the US each year as from all forms of childhood cancers combined, yet funding for pediatric cancer research is five times higher than funding for CHD.

All we want is for friends and family to spread awareness. They don't check for this defect even with these facts. A lot of babies go home and die. A simple Pulse Oximetry test on a newborn would catch most of them but the hospitals are not required to do it. Parents need to ask for it. You need to be aware in order to "know" you need to ask.

So if you're not big on celebrating Valentine's day spread awareness instead. Wear Red to show you care for the "broken hearts".

I have laid my baby on an OR table and kissed him as he fell asleep. I have handed him to a surgeon knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed it would beat again. I have learned more then I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. And celebrated victories that I never would have thought of. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a heart mom to my son Justin.

Mum - Mainly Upbringing Monsters said...

LOL! We have a bug spray here called 'Pea Beu' maybe it would work on 'Peabo'
I'd LOVE to see your heart candies marketed!
You'd make a FORTUNE with those!

justjaime31 said...

HAHA I got a nice card filled with scratch off tickets today! I won $10 :-)

Doesnt quite make up for the fact that i really wanted Elton John tickets, but maybe it is the thought that counts?? :-S LOL

Jane B. said...

Hey Dawn - you can get more of those nasty little candy hearts here:

Cracked me up.

April said...

Did you know the person who introduced chocolate as a part of Valentines Day was anti-Valentines Day? It was her way of coping with the stupid holiday.

Doug and Anna said...

I agree! I totally agree! I've been married for almost 10 years, been together for almost 12 and we never celebrated Valentine's Day. I've told him many times that he can buy me flowers any day of the year EXCEPT today. We both really hate Valentine's Day. It helps that I am from Europe originally and didn't grow up with this made up holiday.

Tammy said...

I want my two dollars!

V1nce said...

I myself do not partake of this horror-day. It's not that I think it sucks, I just really really really dislike wrapping myself in a huge red bow and chasing people down the street. I think I'll try a bow next but I'm NOT wearing a diaper!

Stephanie said...

A Valentine mascot -- a manbaby in a diaper!!! You crack me up. Hey, I LOVE YOU! Isn't THAT enough? xoxo

WeaselMomma said...

Thanks for the laughs!

Amanda said...

I agree. My husband and I exchange cards, but that's it. The only time we make a big deal out of Valentine's Day is when he's deployed, and then even holidays like Flag Day become super important.

Erica said...

hehehehe these are good.

on the last one, i saw someone else saying something about cupid being the last thing they thought of when they thought of romance. another person replied: perhaps it's there to remind us of the consequences of romance. haha

this rings true in my house... three yr old son, who wishes not to wear clothing, running around with weapons. yup. cupid has taken up permanent residence.

Emily said...

Seriously... I opened up Facebook yesterday morning, and almost every single person was positively gushing about Valentine's Day. Posting pictures of their red roses, and boxed chocolates, and their last-minute dollar store stuffed animals. Ugh! So irritating.

My husband and I have been happily married for 7 years, and we don't celebrate Valentine's Day. Oh, sure, we tried a few times while we were dating. But it sucked every year, so we thought, why bother? Why do the exact same thing everyone else is doing on the exact same day, and take all the meaning out of it? No thanks... we stayed home, gorged ourselves on popcorn and licorice, and watched Mythbusters with our 4-year-old son. :)

mamaduck27 said...

We actually had the nicest Valentines Day ever this year. We home school the five kids we have left at home (ages 17 to 7), and one of the assignments yesterday was to make a valentine for each of their siblings and write something you like about them. Got a lot with sentiments like, "Your enthusiasm is sometimes annoying, but I do think it's your best quality," "You do have a great sense of humor, even though you do kindof smell." One of my sons even made himself a valentines listing the things he likes about himself!

Hubs read us his annual Valentines Day story to the giggles of all the kids and hysterical shrieks from our 7yo daughter at the part about the hero having nightmares about giving speeches in his underwear.

We all ate a family favorite meal together, followed by some active games on the Kinect and then huge banana splits. The movie choice? The latest Shrek movie, which Hubs hadn't seen yet... and he was tearing up at the end.

Everybody was happy and loving toward each other, for once! It's days like this that I look around at my family and pray, "Lord, please let me remember this!!"

Nancy said...

Amen! Loved this blog!

Tracie Rathsack said...

Lmao - "you have to eat it. It's the law".

yep. My dude and I promised no candy. We're both dieting. So we went to a hibachi place and privately poked fun at all the romanticals.

Of course, we were there too...

Anon said...

What? Valentine's Day is great! It's the most fun day of the school year for the kids. Mine are in 1st and 4th grade. They have parties, they do candy heart math, they get "mail"--it's great! If they bring Valentines, they have to bring one for the whole class, and they all do. They're all really nice kids. I don't think it would cross any of their minds to exclude anyone.

At home, we pretty much make it a family affair. I make a special V-day treat. I eat some extra chocolate. My husband did get me a present this year, but honestly, I would rather he didn't. And I wouldn't want to go out to dinner on the actual 14th and compete with all the other people trying to get into a restaurant just because it's the 14th. I'd rather go a day or two early or late, and I'm all for bringing the kids!

mommeeof10 said...

Hubby got me a really nice Valentines gift, which will also cover mothers day, my birthday, our anniversary, etc. he bought me a knew washer and dryer, the big front loading whirlpools and their pedestal bases. The old ones still work, somewhat, but they keep breaking. We have a service plan from sears, but still, being without a working washer and dryer with a family this big is unpleasant. Once the plumber and electrician come, I'll hook up the old ones again and have 2 until they die again. Then they are going to the appliance graveyard, er dump. :)

Beth said...

Love your post. Like the heart candy the best. They are terrible in every way.
Yesterday on the big V day I spent 12 hours at the hospital with my DD#1 who is post back surgery. I came home to a charmer who was mad at me because although I texted him about what was going on at the hospital and thagt I had no idea when I would get home, he was mad that I didn't call to say I was going to be really late. Got home 12:30 AM. He ius still not talking to me. Ahhh silence.

The Mommy said...

The best thing for us about Valentine's Day is that my son was born. We have a reason to celebrate without buying into the cheesy-ness of it all!

Oh, and I really like to make fun of people who can't say it. It's VALENTINE - with an "N" not "M". GRRRRR!!!

knackeredmama said...

Thank you, this is my first Valentine's Day as a very newly single mom and almost everywhere I turned people were gushing happy, and I wanted to smack people. This was funny and true.

CLewis said...

I have an acquaintance from high school who has an Anti-Valentine party each year (actually kissed her current husband for the first time at said party years ago...but I digress) and makes cookies with those exact sentiments on them!

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