Monday, September 10, 2007

Don't Put Chocolate Milk in Your Pants

DAWN'S TOP TEN TWENTY LIST OF WORDS I NEVER DREAMED WOULD ESCAPE MY LIPS
until I had children.


1. Don’t put chocolate milk in your pants.

2. Why did you flush Legos down the toilet?

3. Take the hotdog out of your nose.

4. Where is your sister’s hair and why are you holding scissors?

5. How do you get butter out of carpeting?

6. No Sweetie, even if you wear your Superman pajamas, you can’t fly.

7. Is that maple syrup in your hair?

8. You can’t go to the store in just your underwear and rain boots!

9. No, fish don’t take baths. Why do you ask?

10. Why is the dog covered in yogurt?

11. Where did the duck come from?

12. Why did you put your brother in the refrigerator?

13. Put that squirrel down!

14. Why are the pickles pink?

15. Is that the clothes line tied to the roof of the garage?

16. No, the dog doesn’t want to wear a cowboy hat.

17. No skating in yogurt across the kitchen floor!

18. You fastened your belt around the ceiling fan why?

19. It's a fossilized hotdog!

20. Because I said so!

189 comments:

Angie said...

Again with the pickles. I'll have to try it.

"Because I Said So" is SO a mom thing to say... But necessary.

Great again, Miss Dawn!

http://awholelotofnothing.net

Joalea said...

Your kids sure like to use Yogurt in their activities :)

VanDerHoekArt said...

"Why are the pickles pink" has got to have a great story behind it. Will that one be in your book or on the blog?

Bravo Dawn, great list!

Krissy's Thots said...

My oldest son loves to put my youngest in the freezer. In fact we had to institute a new rule in our house... YOU MAY NOT PUT YOUR BROTHERS IN THE FREEZER AT ANY TIME.

Ruth said...

I only have 3 kids (found out what caused that and stopped right away) but I can soo relate to your list. I have a few of my own, like: "Did you poop on the sliding board?" "Stop wiping buggars on your sister" "Is there a reason all my tampons are in the toilet?" Thanks for the memories, and the laughs every day.

Lisa Brooks (Henry) said...

I use: "Because I'm the mommy!" Today my Jack (4) said of his sister Piper (7), "I told her she couldn't tell me what to do because she wasn't the mommy."

ztoamom said...

Not "Why did you cut your sister's hair?" (a question with no answer)but "Where is your sister's hair?" Much more accurate - realism gets us through.

I look forward to the late night read. Thanks for the laughter.

Stephanie said...

I think if I were you I'd stop buying yogurt for a while. I'm noticing a pattern.

I had to stop buying Vaseline in our family.

Shelley said...

Something that astounded me after I said it...my oldest was about three at the time, and I said "Get your cheese off the shower!" Seriously.

Love your blog Dawn, and congratulations on all the good stuff that is happening to you. Count me as another fan!

Hawkins family said...

I love it. Those top 20 don't seem so wacky as I thought they would...but only because I've lived it! 4 kids + 1 dog + 1 BIG kid (aka husband) = no functional brain cells = ME!

utah-hawkinsfamily.blogspot.com

Alto2 said...

Scary how the majority of those epithets either involve food or injury to a sibling (or both).

All moments remembered said...

Dawn as always you make us smile!! Pink pickles? Never heard of them! I did once have a pink poodle! My little girl and I died her for preschool show and tell with koolaide!! Katie was the hit of school after that!!

Anyone needing scrapbook supplies please check out my website at
www.allmomentsremembered.com Note to self look for pink pickle stickers!!

mylifeandart.typepad.com said...

My mom used to say "Because I Said So" but in Russian. Wow! Now, 20 years later I MISS IT!!! I wish I could fly back in time!

Abel said...

This is funny. Great list! I like this most: 9. No, fish don’t take baths. Why do you ask?

Anonymous said...

Dear Dawn
I love the list. It reminds me of one of your older blog entries, July 2 where you list something like 41 things I would not have known had I not had kids. I laughed so hard I had tears coming down my face. And then I read the "Harry Potter?" from July 1, then I really laughed hard. The picture is priceless. Those were my favorites of all you have written , although it was very hard to pick!
Thanks for the laughs and God bless,
Elaine

Cynthia said...

I can recall using all of these at one time or another!! The only one that was different was the ceiling fan. Ours was, why are you trying to tie your brother to the ceiling fan?

Because I said so! Well, the kids are older and even before the words come out of my mouth they say, "I know, I know. Because you said so!"

Crazymamaof6 said...

HA! living the maple syrup! you forgot "becuase i'm the boss, that's why!"
and "no going to sleep with gum in your mouth again, or next time i'll just cut it out!"

Lynn said...

Ok, how do they get up that high? Roof? Ceiling fan? I am gravity challenged, apparently!

Lynn
aithyne.net

Anonymous said...

Hi Dawn!

I've never left a comment on a blog before, but I just have to on yours. I have 5 kids, ages almost 3-9, so I think you and I might somehow be on the same page. And reading your blogs....I just love it!!!! The craziness, the messes, the destruction, the insanity!!! I read your tales and want to sit down with you for coffee to tell you mine! Here's a scary thought....let's get together, and our combined 11 kids could whoop it up together!!! Uh...scary thought!

Anyways...I'm not sure where in Northern Illinois you are. I live in Sycamore, and would just love to have a mommy2many friend around here. I know you must be so completely busy, and run over with requests to hang out with you and such. But anyways....I think you're great and inspiring and funny. So if you ever find yourself so bored that even a challenging Sudoku puzzle can't suffice...uh crap, like that would ever happen to a mother of 6!!! You're awesome...let's hang out!

-Christy
torian96@comcast.net

Anonymous said...

One of mine would be... "Again, we don't dump tinkle potty on the floor"

Becky said...

ROFL! Loved the list, Dawn. The butter in the carpet sounds familiar, except that I was shrieking like a fishwife at my toddler son and toddler nephew, "What would possess you to spray butter [substitute] all over the couches?" The cushions had dozens of puddles of butter on them. What was left in the just purchased 3 pack could be combined to one bottle, and it all happened in the time it took me to put away the rest of the groceries!

It's funny now, but I had to soak the cushion covers in a grease-cutting dishwashing liquid to get it off. Which caused billions of bubbles to foam up out of the washing machine all over the garage floor. The greasy spots were gone, but since that day, there are some cushion covers that are darker green than others between the set of matching couches.

KamiMari said...

Okay so I bet you have said all of those (or the majority) in one day, haven't you?
There's just one statement that you may have forgotten (or maybe you haven't totally lost your mind yet).... "OMG! I turned into my mother!"
I said that recently but I figured it was better to come to grips with it at an early age (26) than keep having to hear my best friend pound me over the head with it every time I start belting out a song in the middle of a conversation. (I love musicals and I am apparently determined to make my life one. Who says I can't be the next "Judy Garland"? "Clang clang went my dishes. Ding ding ding went my time. Zing zing zing went my heartstrings when I started to open my bills...")
So, Dawn, be blesed this day and many more!
~Camille~

Anonymous said...

So, where did the duck come from?

I look foreward to what you have to say every night keep up the great writing, and thanks for the laughs.

Embejo said...

I've only just started reading your blog (last few weeks) as you notoriety somehow managed to reach all the way down under. (nz)
anyway, nice list. I find myself saying all manner of irrational things to my kids which are sounding increasingly like my mother!

Manic Mom said...


I think you need to put a padlock on your fridge. Seems like there's a lot of daily issues that can be avoided by not letting your children have access to the refrigerator. No more food for them!

And animals. Keep them away from all things furry and loveable (except Grover, my favorite!)

And belts and scissors! And get rid of all the food coloring and cowboy hats.

And no more undies for those kids!

My all-time favorite that made me smack myself in the head when I said it back when the kids were younger:

TURN BARNEY ON RIGHT NOW!

Dear God.


PS--A reminder for everyone, especially for today, hug your kids a little bit tighter... God bless...
www.manicmommy.blogspot.com

River said...

Something I thought I would never say is "go down to the creek and play in the mud". They were bored, I'd had enough of them whinging, it was summer, when they came home later, covered in mud, we all had a great time hosing each other off in the backyard. It soon became a regular pastime with many of their friends joining in. I always made sure their mothers knew where they were going and what they would be doing, in case they had to go home and change into their tattiest old rag clothes first.

Peter said...

I can sympathize completely.

I would have never thought just how OFTEN I would have to say 'Julius (son's name) NO!'

Misty said...

motherhood definatly turns our lives into something unexpected.

Racing Hippo said...

"9. No, fish don’t take baths."
How can you be so sure...?

Bonistalli Mama said...

CLASSIC! Sometimes that really IS the only acceptable answer to "Buuuut WHYYYYY Mom!?" Thanks again for the laughs! Can't wait for your book, no pressure though! :)

Kelly "I feel your pain" B.
SAHM of Taby, 9, Beana, 5-going-on-16, Lil, 2 1/2, and Gregory 1 1/2.

Anonymous said...

I just found you yesterday after reading the article in the Post Dispatch. It's like we are family! Thank you for writing, and so well at that! I loved the "names" blog! My H and I disagree on many things, but it took us all of five minutes to agree on a name for each of our four children. Go figure!

Congrats and good luck on the book!

Life As a Single Mom said...

I felt very inspired by your blog in fact, have created my own! I am a single mom of 1 child & work full time, I read what you do in amazement! Check out my blog: http://madismama.blogspot.com/

You are wonderful!

Mary said...

I am cracking up! "Why are the pickles pink" is probably my fave.

Ellen said...

I probably said, "because I said so" but I don't remember. Very early on I started saying, "because I'm the mom and sometimes that's all you need to know."

Last night / this morning I had to tell my 20 year old not to ride his bicycle home in the rain at 2 AM...

Anonymous said...

Oh I would love to hear some of the stories behind these phrases! Especially #9 and #11. :)

I am sure you have hundreds if not thousands of unique and interesting stories to share....I can't wait to hear some of them!

Have a wonderful day!

Donna from Brockport NY! :)

Nicky Knickers said...

LOL Why were the pickles pink?

Excellent as usual Dawn

Take Care

Nicky

Chris H said...

Oh, wow! I can so identify! Around here we talk of the day that, while I was in the bathroom (and WHY do these thing always happen during the 32 seconds we take to empty our bladders?), my older son (about 3 at the time)calmly announced, "Mommy, Gavin's bluuueee...." in that (annoyingly) cute way he had of letting you know that bad things were happening, but you shouldn't be TOO concerned about them. Now, seeing as I'm an EMT, you can imagine just what I thought THAT meant!! I come flying out of the bathroom to see that yes, indeed, the boy was VERY blue...his toes were blue....his legs were blue...his hands were blue...his arms were blue...his face was blue...his tongue was blue...his HAIR was blue!! Seems he'd decided to taste and test the "non-toxicity" of a blue marker. He drooled blue for a week!

So now, around here, one of the many things I'd thought I'd never say is, "Whaddya mean BLUE?!?!"

Chandra said...

How about "Why are there bubbles in the fish bowl??"

My good friend used that one yesterday.

Enjoying your writing more and more everyday!!

Mitey Mite said...

Obviously the dog was skating in the yogurt with the kids. I read an article about you in the paper yesterday and had to come read your blog. Wow! You are hilarious and I, for one, can't wait to buy your book. Now all you have to do is write it, right? But please do -- you are the funniest thing I've read since Erma Bombeck.

Billie said...

As a young woman, I swore that when I had children, I would always explain things and never answer, "Because I said so!" Until I met my wise husband. He informed me that it is a perfectly acceptable thing to say, and is necessary so the kids learn that you obey authority just because it's authority, not because the authority has some terrific reason. (Which child-logic can always find a way around, anyway!) Fun posts. Love 'em!

Anonymous said...

Ok...the pickle thing keeps coming up. I must have missed it. What in heaven's name are KoolAid Pickles?

Marlene said...

"Put that squirl down"? Oh my gosh. Your writings are inspiring. I know a lot of mom blogers that have gotten more creative lately. Including mine.
Marlene
http://reasonsipostto.blogspot.com/

Jaszon said...

I'm sure the dog would of been happy to wear a Top Hot, cowboy hat just wasn't stylish enough.

Tami said...

You forgot, "Where did you get that fruit loop? When did we have fruit loops?"

Lisa said...

LOL Boy can I relate...have said many of those same things as well.

Although, our number one thing I never dreamed of saying is "where are my ceiling fan blades????" Apparently, one (or more) of our children decided to hang from the ceiling fan (they still haven't fessed up). All but 2 blades are missing. Only thing I can guess is "whoever" climbed up on our bed, thinking they could ride the fan (they're thrill seekers).

Kate said...

my favorite... Please take your fingers out of your brother's nose. Why do we have to say such silly things???

Dana said...

Dawn, I had something happen to me that I don't know if you have dealt with but you could make so funny. How in the heck do you get toothpaste ALL OVER the bathroom? Basically from the top of the ceiling down to the floor!!! I am having #7 in a while and only those with bigger families truly understand and have been in your shoes!! Keep us sain with your humor!!!

FarmWife said...

My favorite I've ever had to say, "I don't care if your dad is the Green Goblin. You cannot punch him in the testicles!!" as my husband writhed on the floor in pain.

Gotta' love being a mom!

Mina said...

Too funny. It's amazing some of the things that come out of our mouths with little children!

Rebecca said...

"It's a fossilized hot dog!" I've said that too, a few too many times.

maggiebsmocks said...

said to my HUSBAND just last week:

today is the last day you can keep that snake in the refrigerator.

see...husbands...little boys grow up to be called husbands but they are STILL little boys.

enjoy the day!
maggieb!

Kat_womanx2 said...

A friend passed your links to me through an email, and I have thoroughly enjoyed the reading...I love your humor. IF...you ever get time (bwaaa ha ha ha)stop by and say hi www.meowypurrrfect.blogspot.com
sometimes the language is alittle harsh, the stories will leave you agape...but its my place to vent...keep the laughs coming...I only have one child (soon to be 16) so I can only imagine what your days are like!!!

Bernadette said...

Your a hoot! My eight year old sone has figured out how to save your baby's picture as the background for our computer. I have no idea when he did this or how he figured it out but she's there - for us to laugh at every time we all look at the screen. I agree with Angie's comment about "because I said so!" We all want to explain why we tell them not to do things but after so many "but why?" comments from the kids - I break down. :-) I had my oldest daughter read your blog from yesterday but I am SO guilty of getting everyone's name wrong. I wanted to show her - I'm not the only one! She laughs and laughs when I call her the wrong name.

ventl8r said...

Ah yes, now I remember what I was going to comment with yesterday's post. My first child is Jenna and we forbid her from ever marrying someone with the last name of Taylor.

Just put the two together and it'll all be clear.....

Nina Diane said...

Awesome post!

Anonymous said...

"9. No, fish don’t take baths. Why do you ask?"

My daughter told me the other day that Fishy, her beta, needed a bath. I tried to explain that Fishy is in water therefore does not need a bath but with a 2 1/2 yr old mind it just didn't click. I just hope I don't look in the bowl one day and see soap!!!

otter said...

I work in the West Village, the underpants and rain boots combo is almost a common sight!
Can I have the duck?

Char said...

There are many things that I've said as a mom that I thought I'd never say......a few of them you've hit right on the nail. Then again I don't know that I'm ready for some of the other ones yet!

Erika Martin - Stampin' Mama said...

You should totally do an endorsement for a yogurt company! It seems that your kids have more fun with yogurt than is normal. ;)

nd_girl07 said...

I absolutely love your blog. I read it everyday at work just to get some humor in my life.

Lora said...

Does it make my (5 year old girl and 7 year old boy) kids REALLY bad, if I have said 19 of your 20? No pink pickles, though our 55 gallon fish tank turns green if you add a whole bottle of food coloring. And, ours was a chipmunk not a squirrel.

Thanks for all the laughs, your writing, sense of humor, and abilit to appear sane is an inspiration to moms everywhere!

Lora

Jennifer said...

too Funny! I think every mom has a list of these.

Mich said...

ROFL!!!

I think my favorite is #9.

Anonymous said...

My personal favorite is #4. I can definitely picture that being said and .. oh wait.. I"VE said it too! I only have 2 so it has nothing to do with number of children just the number or pairs of scissors you have floating around the house.

Susan in FL said...

A friend on mine cracked up on the phone the other day when she heard me yell, "Stop vacuuming your sister!!"

And my sister got a good laugh once when she heard, "Oh MAN! They TP'd the upstairs!!"

Good times! :) Have a good one!

Gayle said...

Things I Never Dreamed My KIDS would say.....

Yo, you have a big booty!

Mom, How do you get gum out of hair?

I love my p*nis. (loud and in public)

This parenting stuff is a whole new demension, huh?

Alicia said...

One of mine.... "Don't bite the Dog!"

Dancing Girl said...

salt seems to work for getting out most stains. Put it on while the stain is still wet, let it dry in and then brush off, now the trick is to find a way of letting it dry in with all the kids jumping around the place...mind you you've probably heard all these tips before...

I once said "The crayons need to go to sleep" to a child who wouldn't go to bed for me while babysitting. Now that is something I never thought that I would say.

Aoife :)

momma said...

That was cute. I have a blog all about my kids if you want to check it out sometime. When I started blogging I started about the kids. The most fustrating things seemed funny after you wrote it out .I just started one here,but the ones I have saved on my computer I lost so from now on im printing for furture use.You know when the kids grow up and get onto their kids about something .I can throw at them .. Well you did it to and show them the proof! (wink)Loved the skating on the floor with yogurt. When my 3rd son was a toddler he tried it with ketchup !He couldnt understand why mom was annoyed with him?I mean really he was only playing in ketchup !
With kids theres never a dull moment and your always learning something new .
I enjoy reading your blog .Your ebay listing was posted on a moms group everyone got a real good laugh out of it on the board .

http://adventurepalace.blogspot.com

Mary said...

this one is tops on my list...
1. don't lick the baby!

Heather said...

Ha! I never thought I'd say "Don't put sand in your underwear!" It's hard to explain to a 5 year old little girl WHY she shouldn't do this! :)

Great blog as usual!

lori K. said...

GREAT! I was just talking to my mother-in-law about that very thing. Why do you have to tell kids these things? When does common sense kick in? At age 54? I don't think I'll make it that long.

Jess said...

Too funny! I love reading your blog. Never fails to give me a laugh.

Thanks for sharing your life.

Jess

Annie said...

I nanny for three kids, and after hearing their mother say "Get your foot out of the refrigerator" I was instantly reminded of you, and told her she HAD to come read your blog!!

You're fantastic! So witty, such an entertaining read- even for a 21 year old college student!! ;)

shaz2jag said...

omg!!!!! How similar the lists are and I only have one child to contend with!!!

btterflykisses812 said...

Cute!! :) This made me laugh. Sadly, "because I said so" is more to my husband than to my daughter. :P

I'm dreading her growing up - I expect that I'll be saying several of these things as my two year old daughter gets older (& more adventurous/defiant/etc).

Your blog is amazing - when I have a bad day at work (or at home), I love coming here & reading this. It makes me laugh. I only have one child (a two year old terror) & I get frustrated going to the grocery store with just her...I cannot imagine six kids. You (& others like you) are really Super Mom! :)

Toni

The Rocking Pony said...

Try this one we used last night, "why is there a diaper in the ceiling light?"

Think how boring we'd be without kids. haha

Sherri H said...

I have said some of those things myself. No, fish don't take baths, why? It's a little late to be asking that one. I almost fall out of my chair when I read most of your posts.
I was telling my sister (who has 9 kids) about your blog and she said nothing fun like that happens in her household. She is just soooo boring!!
Keep the humor going!!

Ashley said...

Most of mine come care of my son (now 5 and a half).

- We don't stand on the kitchen table. (at 9 mo. old)
- Why are you on the Barbie house? (standing on 2nd floor of Barbie house at 11 mo. old)
- Why is the Barbie jeep upside down? (flipped upside down, in the ditch, both children still "buckled" in velcro seatbelts).
- Yes son, scissors will cut an electrical cord. (evidenced by the severed cord)
- No, we don't pee in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

And I'm sure there's many more I'm forgetting.

One from my daughter...
- We don't yell at God sweetie. (after she was hollering Jesus! over and over-stated she was yelling b/c he was not listening).

Cecily R said...

How many times have I said something, looked at my husband and said, "Wow, never thought I'd say that!" My husband's favorite? "No! Girls don't sit in the urinal!"

http://www.mychaosmybliss.blogspot.com

Michelle said...

and then there is:

"No, you can't poop outside like the doggies do! Come in right now!"

Karen said...

Wow! I love your blog! A friend of mine e-mailed me your e-bay tirade about shopping with your kids because I have 6 kids too and I soooooo know what you are going through. My oldest is 17 though... just you wait until hormones hit your brood enmass! I'm sure I'll be reading on a regular basis.

Thanks for jump starting my sense of humor!
Karen

An Iowa Mom said...

Oh man, I know exactly what you are talking about. I have a list of my own and can't bring myself to post it. :)

veron said...

blogger just ate my long comment! Anyway here it is again:
No. 6: When I was 4-years old, I took my brother's blanket and put it around my neck like a cape. Then I proceeded to the top of the long staircase (15-17 steps) and waited for my mom to show up at the bottom of the steps. When she did, I hollered "Mom, look, I can fly!" and jumped off the top of the steps. I remember going up and coming down but really nothing else. My mom said she freaked out, drop the tray of food she was holding to protect my head as I landed. She said I was crying really loud. I did not know if it was because I was hurting or because I realized I couldn't fly.

Gina said...

The pink pickles were kool aid pickles right? What is funny is that I just saw on the food network Alton Brown eating Kool Aid pickles on his Feasting on Asphalt show. Apparently they are a standard thing somewhere along the Mississippi.

I love your stories!

Anonymous said...

Dawn, I want you to know that your blog is a highlight of my day! I am/was having "one of those days" with my beloved eight children and to the point of tears when I clicked on your blog. (I have no business doing this as I have SO much to do, but I needed it!) Your top ten (twenty) list is just what I needed. Number one made me snort, gasp and laugh. THANK YOU so much. Please keep it up and I can't wait for your book! God bless you, Liz in Lincoln, NE

Kelly said...

Oh, I needed this after the breakfast table was abrubtly cleared due to the fact of one of my 6 children, threw up. One thing I have been saying a lot lately is "Why did you pee in your brother's room?"

FangedFaerie said...

You know what's really funny? How many of those are food-related...

Keep up the good writing. :)

AZMom said...

Pink pickles sound like koolickles (see Alton Brown's show Feasting on Asphalt where he actually finds this delicious pickles in a cafe on the road. It's pickles stored in Kool Aid!).

Here's one from our house, why is my underweare strewn all over the backyard? This happened after my DOG stole our laundry and proceeded to take it all outside!

Have a great day!

AZMom said...

Oh ya, one other favorite,

"baby, put the beer back" This was after my daughter left the refrigerator door open and my 10 month old son was "caught" teething on a beer bottle. Thankfully, it was closed and no one was hurt.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

I am sensing a yogurt theme in your home...

Candace Salima (LDS Nora Roberts) said...

Oh Dawn, when is the book coming out and may I please, pretty please, be one of your test readers? You are hysterical.

I have a funny story to share. When I was three my mother left my brother in charge and went to the store. When she returned, there I was sitting at the piano bench with the remains of a banana in my hand and surveying the beauty of my handiwork all over the piano keys. All my mother could ask in a pained and agonized voice was, "Why, why, why?" And I replied, with all the wisdom my three year old mind could muster, "Because you didn't tell me not to."

Yeah, you guessed, that's the last thing I heard as my mother went out the door for the next ten years. "And DON'T smash bananas in the piano." Sheesh, like I was going to forget!

ashley nicole said...

When my brothers were toddlers, my mom told one of them, "don't play with the saw; here play with the ax." He was playing with a real saw (not quite sure how he got it), so my mom wanted him to go play with his plastic firefighter ax.

barb said...

Reading your blog is a sweet highlight of an otherwise very sad day today. Thank you for bringing a smile to many faces each day, especially this one.

barb hendrickson
Oklahoma City,OK

Anonymous said...

I don't know if you got all the butter out of the carpet and if you did you can disregard this comment

I was thinking that when I got candle wax on my carpet once someone told me to put down a brown paper bag and then iron it out
when the wax melts the paper soaks it up
so I thought maybe that would work for the butter

just a suggestion :-)
love your blog by the way

Valerie said...

I had to laugh so much at these comments. I've also had a few that I never thought I'd say. Here are a few of our top picks:

1) Don't put the kittens in the tuba.

2) Don't lick the garbage can!

3) Don't lick the car!

Thanks for all the laughs, and good luck with your book deal!

Rhonda said...

Pink pickles...hmm. Hilarious list. :)

dawna said...

I found your blog via your ebay ad. I'm thoroughly enjoying reading it and agree with other commenters that you really should write a book!! Your humor reminds me of Erma Bombeck. I think any publishing house would JUMP at a manuscript from you. I know with 6 kids you're probably thinking 'where would I find the time' so why not start by printing out your blog and sending it in?

Becky said...

Because i said so! i swear it always comes down to this one! never knew yogurt can be used in the same ways as pudding does around my house! My kids won't eat yogurt or anything else that I say its yummy try some! even if i don't say that they still won't touch it! so tell me what your secret is. or do they play with more than they eat it? that must be it right? lol
great list!! i would add to it but my list would be just like yours just place pudding where it says yogurt.

Pickel said...

Dawn...Where is the meme on this one?

I'm sure you'll get some great info for you rbook.

Pickel said...

Ah, and perhaps that is the name of your book...Why are the Pickle's Pink?

Please credit the original Pickel.

Anonymous said...

When I was a kid I convinced my younger sister she could fly (after a month of talking her into it). She finally go brave enough to do it and climbed to the top of a dresser stepped off, flapped her arms and landed on the floor face first. My dad came running to see what shook the house and my sister was laying there groaning and said nothing she fell out of bed. Her bed was the opposite of the room. When he questioned me I said I was trying to sleep and she wanted to fly. After that we always heard and no flying from the tops of furniture.

Anonymous said...

I ama so sorry about the Legos in the toilet. We recently had three apples in the toilet. but, they are too big to flush down!

Anonymous said...

Excellent writing. For the last 6 years (but only 3 aliens... erm... kids) my wife and I have kept our own list. #1, so far, is: "Please stop licking the bus, you don't know where it's been".

I will not explain further.

Ginger said...

I have one " Don't lick furniture!" My 3 year old daughter spilled coke and she thought ( I mean why doesn't it make perfect sense) to lick it up. She admitted it unabashedly I must say. I had dusted (which I rarely do) a couple days before that so I ask you...another question I never thought I'd ask myself..Is it safer to lick dust or furniture polish?...mmmmm

Heather said...

I join your club. Nice post again today.

Vicky said...

While on the phone with my sister she said to one of her sons, "Stop looking at your brother on purpose!"

I've also caught myself telling my children, "If you hug your sister one more time you're going in time out!"

Anonymous said...

Me: No
Kids: Why?
Me: Because I'm mean and rotten and I hate you!

They never had an argument to that one and it always made us giggle. As they got older I would just say "Cause I'm mean and rotten" and they would finish the sentance "I know, and you hate me" We love the looks on peoples faces!

Tricia said...

How about this one -
Kid: Mom, you gotta go get your camera, this one'll be great for scrappin
Me: oh God help me
Kid (louder) this time: MOM MOM MOM - hurry, before Johnny gets out of the toilet

Comment that followed: HOw many times have told you not to climb in the toilet with your clothes on!!!

Blackberrie said...

I think I've said half of these myself. I would like to add though,

"Why is the cat using a pacifier?"

elaine@bloginmyeye said...

Heard recently at our house:

Stop licking the car!

Blythe said...

LOVE IT!

My all time favorite of mine is:

In response to a stupid question by my 12 yr old..while on the phone.

HIM: "Who's poop is that?"

ME: "I don't know.. poop doesn't come with labels, if it did I'd know who it belonged to!"

Anonymous said...

Oh how about...
Stop digging in your pants.
No twirling your brother until he throws up is NOT fun.
Just because you have a hole in your butt does not mean that your finger belongs there.

jamey said...

1.stop squeezing that duck.



2.no, you are NOT a cat bus.

Patti said...

So funny. Love the dog comments. After a very long day I climbed into bed, my dog followed, stealing "daddy's" spot. I noticed something in his fur. The dog and I headed back downstairs to find scissors. I sat on the kitchen floor at midnight cutting silly putty out of the dogs fur.

As for words ecaping lips my husband came home one night and asked, "why does the dog have pink stripes?"

Honestly I'm not sure why the dog loves us so much.

Anonymous said...

Not only did I laugh out loud at your list, but I laughed at so many of the comments, too.

I'm only 2 years and 2 kids into this whole MOTHERHOOD thing, and I'm already surprised at how many, "I never thought I'd say THAT" moments I've had. Either that or, "Wow! I sound just like my mother!"

My quote of the day:
To my 8mo daughter, "We do not eat shoes."

And to my 2yo son, who thinks he's SO funny, "Stop giving your sister shoes!"

Have a great day! Thanks for the laughs! I come here to read your blog when the kids are napping and I should be cleaning or doing something more productive. Moms need a break, though, right?!

Nicki said...

Ah the joys of motherhood! There's never a dull moment!

Nadine said...

I love your blogs!!! I am reminded of my kids when they were small. Once, I walked into the living romm and found that my 3 year old son had army men and tampons scattered all over the room. When I asked what he was doing with the tampons....he said they were missiles!!! He is 17 now, and they are still referred to as missiles in our house.....
Thank you so much for eliciting all those memories for me....I am beginning to live vicariously through your blogs...

The Schoonover Gang said...

Thank you for giving another mother of six hope that she isn't crazy and the only one that goes through this stuff.
You are a breath of fresh air in the middle of the chaos I call my family :)
Thanks for your thoughts! You are an amazing writer. I can relate to all that you say, as I'm sure many moms do as well.
"keep smiling...it keeps them wondering."

-Nancy Schoonover

Anonymous said...

ROFLMAO i have been reading your blog for awhile now and i had to comment on this because here's one i had never thought i would say, that was not on your list, Why is your brother in the dryer? and my favorite, Why did you let your brothers put you in the dryer? Why would you think that is fun? I have 3 boys, ages, 14,9,and 12 and i swear sometimes that movie Jackass is about my kids:) Any way thanks for brightening my day with your blogs.

Erin said...

You have a lot of food related incidents...yogurt especially. That was a great list.

I find myself saying more and more of the same sayings my mother said to me.

sue said...

My personal favorite is

"Stop rubbing cheese on the wall"

AKB said...

It's really bad when I can't even read your blog in the school library. I get looks from the other students when I am laughing out loud and almost rolling on the floor wiping tears from my eyes. If you quit this blog, I'll find you and sit on your doorstep until you start it again. You are the best for this mom and her drama. It's much better reading your drama than living mine.

AKB

Katirocks said...

I LOVE your list, sadly I have said a few of those too! How funny, it's amazing what happens to us when we turn into moms!
- Kate

Corinna said...

Once again, you have cracked me up. I think where'd the duck come from is my fave! Thanks for my daily life again!

Corinna--scrapbook designer
read my blog www.myscrapbooklife.com

Anonymous said...

Ahhh, when I was six, I had an SRM(Sudden realization moment). I suddenly realized that Superman could fly because he was an alien, not because he wore a cape. Red pillow case, top the shed out back....you do the math.

Victor said...

LOL some of those things sound a little exagerated but they sounds like insteresting moments

cherylj. said...

Here's my top ten:

1) Stop riding your sister like a horse (try explaining that one to the neighbors!)

2) There's clay in the rug... again! (I swear the people next door think there's a person named Clay living here)

3) Stop licking the couch! (My 2 1/2 year old has this almost obscene fascination with our leather couch.)

4) Does anyone know how to get Vaseline out of hair? (Surprisingly enough, there's quite a lot of information on the Web. Nice to know I'm not alone in that particular adventure.)

5) Use a tissue! (I don't have to go into the specifics of this one, do I?)

6) Get off your brother! (Again... the neighbors think I'm running a brothel.)

7) Stop drinking all my milk! (Yes, I've actually "uddered" these words... sorry... couldn't help myself!)

8) How did ketchup get on the ceiling? (I'm still waiting for the explanation on this one.)

9) Go brush your teeth... WITH toothpaste this time! (You know, I used to laugh when I watched Bill Cosby's bit on this. Now I just nod in agreement.)

and of course....

10) 'Cause I'm the mother, that's why!

Again.. I swear we were separated at birth! ;)

cherylj.

Ashley said...

Haha, those are great!

The most common one said in my house is "No Jocelyn, the cat does NOT want you to pick his nose!"

Mom of 3 in 3 years said...

Thanks again for being a bright spot in my day. Beats folding laundry!

Anonymous said...

I don't tend to leave comments but wanted you to know that I've loved reading all the stuff you've written. I sit here laughing and laughing and I'm sure my 2 1/2 yr old thinks I'm nuts. I'm a single parent of and moody, snotty, roll of the eyes, sucking of the tongue, 15yr old garbage disposel sonand a crazy haired, hyper active(just her nature lol), fear of nothing, never walk only run 2 1/2 yr old daughter. I think I'm going crazy at times and here you have six bundles of, would joy be the right word to describe them lol. I thought of one that I never thought I'd hear myself say to anyone yet found myself saying quite often to my daughter last summer.

Please Don't Eat The Bugs!

Child would pop em in like candy lol. Well at least she was getting some form of protein I guess lmao.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for posting and letting me know that I am not alone! I am a single mom to two monst... I mean wonderful boys ages 5 and 6. My father passed your ebay ad on to me, saying it sounded so much like my life I just had to read it. And then proceeded to call me every hour at work until I was able to open it and read. I was laughing out loud and it felt great. Thank you for brightening my day and helping me feel not so alone in the battle.

brandy
deerfield beach, fl

Matchbox Mom said...

Dawn,
Those are hillarious! it's also funny to think about the things the kids say too...for instance, my son Joshua handed me a toy cow one day and said, "Mom, could you wash my cow?" It was just the way it was said and the way it came out that totally made me laugh. Thanks again for the good times.
Tami

Danielle said...

That's great Dawn! What about last month?

Anonymous said...

Most recent conversation in our car....

Mom: Logan[2yrs old], what are you eatting?

Logan: Book

Mom: Logan, we do not eat books. Please hand mommy the book.

Lesson Learned: Two year olds do not get library books in the car as it clearly has a corner bitten off.

LOL

Gumball said...

My daughter got me to say "Stop fingerpainting your poop on the wall!" when she was around 18 months old. LOL That was definitely one I never thought I'd hear myself say.

Mama Duck said...

Ha ha ha, I have a nice list going already and I just have one 3 year old ducky LOL. Hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Okay ...... so now I'm confused.

Why is this one on the list??

"8. You can’t go to the store in just your underwear and rain boots!"

Korkie

jugglingpaynes said...

I don't know if you'll ever get my comment, but I wanted you to know I love reading your blog! You've had me crying from laughing so hard. This list is great. I've had those moments too, of not believing what I'm saying. "Please stop using marker on your teeth" comes to mind...

Peace and Laughter!

Anonymous said...

My all time personal favorite that I think just may top any of these....
"Quit playing with your brothers balls!" Followed immedieately by
"You give him his balls back right this minute"

Heaven help me!

Dianne said...

My favorite is "Where did the duck come from?"

My question of the day (directed at the TWELVE year old!) was "Why was there a Lego in your mouth to begin with???"

And then I blithely told him "That's okay, it will all come out in the end." Somehow, he didn't see the humor..

Xixa said...

As we're reading this, we had to tell our toddler "Stop drawing on your head."

Anonymous said...

Two things I never thought I'd say..."Why is there blue playdough stuck up your nose?" And "If I have to stop this car...", and I said that just yesterday to my husband who was annoying me while I was driving!! (And my children are both in their 30's!!)

Rene said...

BWAH HA HAHA HA HAAA! I am sad to say that I have uttered a few of these! You havn't lived until something that doesn't belong there has been flushed down the toilet!!! (ours was a bar of soap that led the entire toilet being replaced)

Anonymous said...

I got an email to the Ebay ad for the Pokeman cards and just had to follow it here. I love the things that I've read so far. Please know that you have my good thoughts to help get you through the day with all your kids. I only had one to raise and sometimes that seemed to be too much, let alone six.

Susie

Randee said...

Or, my father's favorite "Don't be sorry, just don't do it"

Balancing Act said...

One thing I have learned as a parent is don't ask what you don't really want to know the answer to. And yes I have used on occasion... Because I said so. And it feels good!!

Amy D said...

Those are hilarious! My husband and I started noticing the strangest things coming out of our mouths, so we kept a list. Some of our favorites:
Don't put your toothbrush in the toilet.
Don't put your head in the pretzel bag.
Don't drive your racecar on your sandwich.
Don't hit the rolls with a lightbulb.
Don't breathe on Mama's grapefruit.
You must be wearing underwear to help in the kitchen.

Hmmm...I feel a blog post coming on! If it actually makes it to the page I'll be sure to link back to you! :)

Tiffany Rose said...

Hilarious! Your kids are fond of tying things and yogurt, huh?

DawnC said...

Love it! Especially since my 4yr old just made the SAME comment about his Superman halloween costume today and insisted that the tv SAID he could fly. Nice to know I'm not out there alone LOL

Lesan said...

I can tell on myself when I was about 5-6. My mom had to mouth the words, "Why is there an egg under your pillow?" (I was trying to hatch a chick, of course!)

Rachel said...

This made me laugh so hard! If I hadn't lost my brain when I had kids I'd probably have some good phrases too.

Anonymous said...

When I was younger, I hid my sister's hair in the slinky box. I guess I figured if her hair was hidden, Mom wouldn't know that I had cut it. Thanks for the trip down memory lane.
-Ronda

Evanna said...

Another great post! :-) Just today I had to interrupt my almost-9-year-old son's grand plans and explain to him that no matter how great he thought his idea was ... he would NOT be able to FLY!! PLEASE, under NO circumstances, please, please, please do not try it! I tried to think of every scenario I could just to cover my bases ... but sure as he's male (and I'm not), I'm positive I forgot something and he'll have to consider it some more. Yikes!

NY mom said...

Dawn -

Your blog is hysterical. Here's a sentence that has actually come out of my mouth that I never would have thought possible before I had kids..... STOP LICKING THE MIRROR.

See? You're not alone!

Anonymous said...

My mother also used to ask us "Do you want a spanking??" Um, sure Mom, I would LOVE one! LOL!

KARA said...

so funny, wow your kids love hotdogs and yoghurt.
kara
from the UK
xxx

Southern Lady's Vintage said...

LOL! Love it! Thanks for the memories!
Barbara
Southern Lady's Vintage

Susie J. said...

a few to add:
"stay away from jaguars. they will eat you."
"what is on top of the ceiling fan??"
"how did your brother get oatmeal in his hair?" (said brother was 1 month old at the time, or it wouldn't have been unusual)
"get out of the fish tank!!!"

Amie said...

I've asked quite a few of these myself. I only have two (maybe, in the more insane moments, working on a third), so I can't even begin to imagine how your day unfolds.

My top "Never thought I'd say this," moment was asking my then 6 year old daughter, "Aislinn? Where are your eyebrows?"

Azmidiske said...

Hehehe. I love these. My favorite, from my own experience is:

Don't draw on the wall with a fork.

Then there's things like:
Why do you have rocks in your socks? (the child stuffed rocks into the cuffs of her socks on the playground, so she could bring the pretty rocks home with her.)

pjgibb said...

I have to add one.....

"No, we don't play choo choo on the dog"

My sister had to say that to my 21 mos old and we still laugh at it!

Macy said...

Wow. I needed that laughoutloudmoment today! Thank you! I see my future in your posts and I'm afraid and excited all at once.

Kathy Haikey, Highland, CA said...

Oh my gosh, I've got another one! My 13-year-old told me proudly yesterday, "Mom, did you know that I'm still small enough to fit in the deep freeze?" Hmm. I didn't ask why he would try to fit himself in the deep freeze, but I did ask if he tried it. He said yes. :)

Kate Topping said...

I have 15 month old twins and the one thing that has come out of my mouth that I still can't believe is..."Stop playing with your brothers penis"

Anonymous said...

When I was younger me and my brother who is 18 months older than I gave the cat a "bath" in maple syrup. Mom loved that one almost as much as when we shampooed each others hair in peanut butter!
She still talks about it to this day 30 years later

testblog said...

OMG. When did we become our mothers? Oh yea. When we had kids.

White Trash MOm (can't sign into blogger, I am an idiot).

bigwhitehat said...

I hope your read this.

When my children were younger, we had to constantly play "Land Before Time" movies and Barney episodes.

One day some newly wed friends came over. One of them looked at the singing dinosaur on the screen and said, "A singing dinosaur? Now that is something you don't see every day."

Do a list of funny things folks without children say to the rest of us.

Laura said...

You have no idea how much I needed this...I have been having the hardest time with my Daughter and I have to tell you that whenever I read your blog I think to myself, Now I know I am not alone! THANK YOU!

Anonymous said...

i love reading your blog sounds just like my life i have 3 girls and people think im mad

piggydreams@hotmail.co.uk

:o) mg said...

This is EXACTLY how my blog got its name...I had to decide between "Don't drool on my blue suede shoes" which I said when my oldest was 6 months old. Or "is that a raisin on the floor, or a roach?"
Ah, symantics.

NC2 Team said...

I so love your blog, it truly is a high point of my day! Brings 'joy and joyness' (Charlie the Unicorn) to me each day!

Thanks!

Amanda said...

Hahaha I love it! This sounds just like my house but I only have 4 kids lol. I have 3 boy's ages 12, 10, and 6, then my only girl is 2. Everything I have read from you here (and on E-Bay) sounds like everything I go through with my kiddo's. Gratz on the fame btw:) It couldnt have hapened to a better person in my opinion. If you get around to it I'll tell you some of my stories haha like when my oldest son was an infant and pooped all over me just as my now ex husbadn and I had to go to a deal for the Army lol. Or when my second son put styrofoam up his nose at Christams time and we spent half of our day at the hospital to have it removed because we didn't know what it was haha catch ya later :) Amanda
Synndillwow1@gmail.com

Gina said...

Thanks to morning sickness that has lasted all day for 17 weeks, I've finally had to get help with my housework. My housekeeper found a piece of petrified string cheese behind a chair in our family room. I immediately thought of you and the hotdog and died laughing. Thanks for sharing all the silliness in your household.

I pray your son's surgery went well and was uncomplicated.

chloe said...

I can't stand how funny this is...seriously, this post is a riot.

One of my favorite things to ever escape my lips was while in a leather store telling my 14 month old son "Don't let your knives touch the coats". Um...yeah...I let him play with plastic forks and knives...

Anonymous said...

OH MY! I thought I was the only one!! I have 6 children too, and reading your blog......I feel like I am reading my OWN! You are awesome! But....then...the humbleness in me, I feel like 6? MY! I have it MADE!! So many of my friends, family have at least 8 or more children, and seem to be always smiling...making it look such a breeze! I ONLY have 6!

Rick said...

When my mother was upset with one of her six children she would sometimes say... "You're the world's worst..." I was tempted to respond, "Well. at least I've excelled in something."

Megster67 said...

The one I can't believe I say - "Yogurt/applesauce/soup is not a finger food!" Hee!

Anonymous said...

hello!!
I'm French and your link was sent to me by friends in USA!
I really love your writing!!!!!!!
Good luck with you kids (i have too and... well... enough for me!! LOL)

Emma

Anonymous said...

OK...I needed to go for papertowels after reading these!!

Some to add...

Why would you make impressions of your hair with silly putty? (Rubbing alchohol gets *some* of it out)

Mom, "Don't sing the 'Hokey Pokey' on the potty"....Thing 1, "Put your whole self in"....SPLOSH!!!

Thank you sooo much for your blog!!

Mom of two wild things

tlswank said...

Mine was, "I know, it's really hard to eat grapes with mittens on"

Melin said...

Yesterday's...
"please don't bite the lawn mower."

Heather said...

I just started reading your blog...I LOVE it! Congrats on all your recent success and hope your little guys feels much better soon!

Jill Pagels said...

I've got several things that I never thought I'd have to hear myself say but the one that tops the list is:
"Get your penis off the police car!"
It sounds a lot worse than it really was. My son (I believe he was 3 at the time) was playing with some Matchbox cars and for some reason he stripped naked and, well, put his penis on the police car. He's a strange, strange child!!!! LOL!

Melissa Engel said...

As many others have already commented, I absolutely love your blog. I first heard about you from my mom, she emailed me the ebay/pokemon listing, she thought I could relate, I have 4 children; 15, 13, 7 & 2, so I can relate. now about the 20 things you never thought you would say, here is mine, "How do you clean your two year old who is covered from head to toe with an entire tube of A&D Ointment"? Now remember, it's the ointment, not the cream. Let's just say, it's really water and soap proof and she smelled like it for daaaaaaaaaaaaays!!! This all happened because I only wanted 5 more minutes of sleep...see what happens when mommy closes her eyes for 5 mnutes!!

Alexandra said...

Heh. I had a list like this from teaching kindergarten. "Sweetie, I promise, you WILL still turn 6 even if Mommy doesn't let you have a birthday party.No, no, you won't be 5 forever."

Anonymous said...

You are AMAZING! Please write a book, I would buy it ANY DAY! I could not stop laughing about the "No, fish don't take baths. Why do you ask?"

hahaha

Anonymous said...

My personal favorite heard at our house was " who shaved the cat ?"

hippiewitchie said...

I LOVED this list! and I just had to read through all the comments too, which were just as great. So, to add my top 2:
1. We do not put jello on the kittens then hide them in the dryer!
2. I don't care if it has poop in it or not, kitty litter does not go in the toilet!

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