The Social Skills of a Chimpanzee

Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes. Clay's surgery went very well yesterday. The surgeon came out and told me, "He really needed this surgery. His adenoids and tonsils were just enormous." I'm looking forward to having a child who doesn't stop breathing in his sleep and who doesn't choke on his food. She removed the old set of ear tubes that had fallen out and were sitting in his ear canal. The one tube was surrounded by inflamed tissue, so she cleaned that out and put a patch over the little hole in his ear drum.

He's such a trooper. He ate two cups of Jello and drank some water at the hospital and took his pain meds without a fight so they actually let us go home yesterday evening. The nurse asked Clay, "Are you ready to leave?" He shook his head 'no'. "Don't you want to go home?" Again, he nodded his head from side to side.

Can you blame the kid? Here he was getting to watch t.v. IN BED! People brought him Jello, popsicles, soup, pop, juice, and water that he got to eat IN BED! It was quiet there. He had mom to himself and no siblings were bugging him. No kidding he didn't want to leave. I, on the other hand, did want to leave because I'm now sick and running a fever. I just pray I don't give it to Clay. That's just what he needs on top of recovering from surgery.

He's been pretty much laying around all day today which is good. Well, except for a brief moment this morning when he hopped into the kitchen. I told him, "No hopping Sweetie. You need to lie down and rest, " to which he asked, "Can I walk on my toes then?"

He's doing much better than I did when I had my tonsils removed at 19 years old. I whined to my Mom, at the time, that this was the worst pain EVER. Two days later, I got a kidney stone which promptly changed my mind. Throat pain? What throat pain?

There was nothing funny to write about in the hospital. Although this was the 8th surgery between my kids, it doesn't get easier. It's still nerve-wracking. But having this surgery in a big children's hospital, I saw so many really sick children. I thank God that mine are really healthy.

I've never seen my Spaz so calm as he's been the past couple days. This is the softest blanket on the planet! Seriously. It's a gift from Clay's Godmother, Denise on Long Island. Thank you, DeeDee! He's been carrying this monkey blanket around with him all day.

But since I told you I'd post a story, here's something I wrote a few days ago....

I recently read an article which stated that toddlers are smarter than chimpanzees. The article went on to cite studies that claim the social learning skills of a two year old child are superior to those of an ape. The person who conducted these studies has obviously never met my children.

Let’s talk a little about these five social skills that a toddler could be expected to demonstrate.

1. Saying “Please” and “Thank you” - Your toddler should always remember the magic words - please and thank you. My children are actually pretty good with their Ps and Qs. “Please, please, please can I have a piece of candy?” “Pleeeeease can I just have one more glass of water, goodnight kiss, or story?” “Thank you for letting me bring twenty-two worms in the house.” And finally, “Thank you for letting me wear my Batman mask to the grocery store.”
Yes, they’ve covered the ground on please and thank you.

2. Introductions - When introduced to an adult, your toddler should be able to say, “Nice to meet you.” My toddler hasn’t quite gotten to that point yet. I usually hear something more like “Hello. You look like Santa Claus”, or “Hello. Why is there hair coming out of your nose?”, or my personal favorite, “Hi. Are you going to have a baby soon?” Yep, that’s social finesse at its finest. Shaking hands during introductions or greetings is another opportunity to teach toddlers good manners. Greeters stand at the door as we walk into church, waiting to shake our hands. My toddler usually looks at his feet and tries to hide behind me. Sometimes he’ll be in an outgoing mood and perfectly willing to shake the other adult’s hand, but having seen him lick his palm, wipe at his nose and cough into his hand on the way into the building, I quickly usher him along before he can pass the grossness on to some unsuspecting person.
I think that covers introductions for toddlers.

3. Sharing - It’s important to teach your toddler to share. My children do an exceptional job when it comes to sharing. They are happy to share blame. To the question, “Who broke the picture frame?” all six will reply, “They did it!“ while simultaneously pointing to the sibling on their left. They’re also wonderful at sharing germs, bacteria and viruses. If one gets sick, they make sure they share until all six of them get sick.
More generous, giving children, you’ll never meet.

4. Table Manners - Right from the start, you must show your toddler how to behave at the dinner table. I never have to worry about my children’s table manners in public. Honestly. We simply never go out to eat. At home, well, let’s just say that not a meal goes by where we aren’t graced by some charming bodily function followed by hilarious laughter. Generally, enough food to feed a small village winds up on the floor and the phrase, “This is yucky” is uttered at least twice a week.
Perhaps they could use a little work in this department.

5. Saying you’re sorry - Teaching your toddler to own up to their mistakes and offer an apology when they’ve wronged someone is essential.
“I’m sorry I put my sister in the clothes dryer, I’m sorry I squished Play Doh in the couch cushions, and I’m sorry for using your expensive lipstick to color on the wall,” are all good examples of this lesson.
Yep, I’ve heard them all.

The researchers of this study go on to state that children could understand nonverbal communication, understand the intentions of others, and imitate other’s solutions to problems better than chimpanzees and orangutans. I’m inclined to agree with them.

1. …could understand nonverbal communication - They understand what that look means. You know, the‘Wait Until we get Home Mister’ look that we give our children when they’re misbehaving.

2. …could understand the intentions of others - They understand perfectly what their older brother’s intentions are. “Mom, I messed up Austin’s room and now he’s going to kill me!”

3. …could imitate other’s solutions to problem solving - “Well, he hit me first, so I hit him back.”

Actually I think it’s a toss up on who has better social skills, a chimpanzee or a two year old. But I’m pretty sure a chimp has never flushed a Barbie doll down the toilet, painted a television with chocolate pudding, or given their little sister a haircut with a pair of kitchen shears. Of course, I don’t know too many adults who walk around doing those things either, so I guess eventually, they can be taught the finer art of social graces and in the meantime, they sure provide us with plenty of fun.
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Oh yes, many of you commented that my kids sure like yogurt as a medium in their, um "artwork". I'd never really noticed that before, but you're right! And you know what? I cannot stand yogurt. You couldn't pay me to eat that nasty stuff!

Here's Some Toilet Paper to go With That Butt Paste

Do you have any idea how hard it is to update my blog every day, while reading my mail, taking care of my kids and house (ok, not so much the house this week), and saving all my best writing back for the book? Ugh. One of these days I'll get around to answering all your questions. Here's one for today.

Question of the day: "What is the funniest thing your kids have ever sneaked into a shopping cart?"

Not too long ago, while shopping at Target, my oldest put a tube of Boudreaux's Butt Paste (a brand of diaper cream) in my cart. He couldn't resist after reading the label because clearly, "butt" is the funniest word in the English language. In fact, the word "butt" when combined with any other word at all, makes for absolute hilarity. For example, "chickenbutt, juicebutt, bucketbutt, buttnose. It really doesn't matter at all what word you use. Anything with "butt" makes kids laugh. (Wow! Spellcheck sure didn't like my butt words.)
I digress. Anyway, when we got to the check out, I pulled out the tube of butt paste. Puzzled, I held it up, saw the smirk on my son's face, and said, loudly enough for the cashier to hear, "Are you out of butt paste already? I didn't realize you needed more." I'm not sure if he was more embarrassed or more shocked that I made a joke out of it.

Quote of the day: "There's a mosquito bite on the door." ~Spaz This was right before he walked into my room carrying his Elmo pillowcase slung over his back, looking like Santa loaded down with toys. He brought the bag around and said, "Who wants a Christmas present?" to which I replied, "I do! I do!" He then reached into his Elmo pillowcase "bag" and brought out a 12 pack of toilet paper. Score! LOL!

Cicadas, and Caterpillars, and Squirrels, Oh My!

Here's my favorite comment from today.

WOW! It is parents like you that make some people wonder why parents don't spank thier

HUH?

kids anymore.

Yes, well it makes perfect sense to beat a child for wanting to dress themselves.

It really makes me want to never have kids, ever!

It really makes me want you to never have kids ever too!

But then I watch those tv shows where Supper nanny always reforms the misbehaved and thier

There's that word again. ???

clueless enabler parents

Ah yes, The Supper Nanny! She not only cares for your children, but she cooks dinner as well!

People are funny.

My kids are funny too. But in a good way. :)

My 3 year old came in from playing and announced, "Look at my friend! Can he come inside?" I looked around wondering which neighbor kid was over this time and upon seeing nobody, wondered if he'd taken up imaginary friends like my 6 year old. Before I could question him about his friend, he thrust this in my face.

"Ummm, let's just keep this "friend" outside, buddy."

I suppose it could have been worse. It could've been this friend again...



Or this friend....



My 3 year old jumped up from the table where we were having lunch and ran outside to get his cup that he had left on the swingset. I continued to eat, while conversing with my 6 year old when she suddenly says, "Spaz has a squirrel!"

"No, he doesn't. He just went outside to get his cup."

"Yes he does. He's carrying a squirrel."

"Don't be silly. Eat your sandwich."

"Mom, really, he's got a squirrel by the tail."

I get up and look outside and lo and behold, my 3 year old is indeed carrying a squirrel by his tail. As I open the door to scream, I mean, calmly, tell him to put the squirrel down, the neighbor's dogs run outside and begin barking so loudly it sounds like a kennel. The squirrel freaks out and tries to jump out of my son's hands which makes my son, in turn, freak out and nearly throw the squirrel. I witness, in slow motion, the squirrel kind of fly through the air and land safely on the fence. I wouldn't have believed it had I not seen it.

"Yeah, sure honey, you can keep a rabid, baby rodent as a pet. Let's name him Skippy and keep him forever. Don't worry about the fact that he chewed through our garbage cans. It'll be fun."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Fox19 Morning News interview was this morning and I didn't throw up or pass out so all went well. They don't have a link to the interview, but the news people only spoke to me via the telephone for about 2 minutes, so you really didn't miss anything.

Tomorrow morning, I'm doing an interview with 103.5 in Tampa at 8:30 Eastern time if anyone in FL listens to that station. The St. Petersburg Times interview is supposed to be in tomorrow's paper as well.

Monkey Trouble

I took Spaz and Baby to the ENT today. Spaz was wearing his t-shirt that reads, "Hello, my name is Trouble". A lady looked at his shirt and asked him, "What's your name? Is it really trouble?"
Spaz nodded affirmative. Then he changed his mind and told her, "No, it's not Trouble. It's Monkey Trouble."
That's my boy.
Anyway, his airway is blocked by his tonsils and adenoids and he'll need surgery to remove them so he can breath and sleep better. This marks the eighth surgery that my kids have had. :(
I had to get up at 6:45 this morning and if you know me at all, you know that I don't do mornings. In fact, I called my friend, Sue, on the way to the doctor's office so we could chat and catch up. When she saw my number on her caller ID, she thought I'd been in an accident or something because she knows I don't speak before 9:00 am.
So, I'm about to pass out from sheer exhaustion. Now I know why the rest of the world goes to bed before 2:00 am. This is the end of my post for today. If I took the time to write anymore, I'd probably fall asleep on my keybbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

Is it Time for School to Start Yet?

UGH! What a fun few days I've had here. Spaz knocks over my neighbor's motorcycle, the kids are constantly fighting, yelling, and crying. And I've been doing nothing but following them around with a broom. Baby poured a bottle of baby wash on the carpeted floor of my room. Spaz grabbed a bag of Chex Mix by the bottom and dumped the whole thing on the floor. The baby proceeded to slurp the pieces up off the floor like a dog as I swept. Spaz also saw my iron setting out, picked it up, dumping out all the water, and asked me what it was. In all fairness, he was curious since he'd never seen the iron before, as I only iron maybe once a year. Really, who wants to drag out an ironing board? It's much easier to hang the clothing in the shower and blast the hot water to steam the wrinkles out, or even get out your hair straightener to put a crease in your clothes, or better yet - wear nothing but jeans and t-shirts and you never have to worry about ironing.

The baby did nothing but follow me around crying all day and Princess just took out toy after toy leaving behind a veritable mine field of playthings. The older kids fought with each other over the dumbest things. "Huh uh! Spiderman could fly way faster than Harry Potter." "You're wrong! Harry Potter has magic and he could kick Spiderman's butt!"

"No way!"
"Yes way!"

"Mooooom, who can fly faster, Harry Potter or Spiderman?"

Leave it to Spaz to lighten the mood a little. Just when the last little thread of patience was gone, Spaz came walking in my room with a little, pink, plastic Barbie purse over his head. He informed me it was stuck and he couldn't get it off. I pulled on the purse. It didn't budge. Aj pulled on it. It didn't budge. We both started yanking at this little plastic purse, but to no avail. It was totally stuck to Spaz's head. Aj gave it a last ditch effort and pulled so hard on the purse, that Spaz came up off the floor! Aj is standing there holding onto the purse that is so welded onto Spaz's head, that Spaz was lifted off the floor and still the purse didn't move. I grabbed a pair of scissors prepared to hear Princess whine as I cut her precious purse off Spaz's head when finally it came lose.

All I know is that I definitely do not get paid enough to put up with this stuff! And Back to School time can't get here fast enough!

There's One in Every Family

I’m told, ”there’s one in every family.” Well, my one is lovingly called "Spaz". It will be nothing less than a miracle if this kid makes it to his tenth birthday. Heck, it’ll be cause for celebration if he makes it to his fourth birthday! If he doesn’t break his own neck by jumping off the roof, I’m sure to wring his neck for any of the numerous deeds he does on a daily basis. This is what he did a few months ago.

The day started much like any other. While I made lunches and got my other five kids up and ready for school, Spaz used one of his favorite mediums, maple syrup, to paint a lovely fresco on the dining room wall. In an effort to redirect his energy, I gave him the job of getting me a diaper and some wipes so I could change the baby’s diaper. That’s a simple enough task, right? After several minutes, I came to the conclusion that Spaz had gotten distracted and it could be days before he remembered to bring me a diaper so I went to get it myself. As I opened the door to the baby‘s room, the stench of diaper cream permeated the air. I saw Spaz literally covered in white goo. His hair was white, his cheeks were white, his arms were white, the changing table, floor, and walls were slathered in the thick, white cream. Wonderful! I learned, after washing his hair four times, that you never, ever, never, ever leave diaper cream within a toddler’s reach. It must be kept locked up in the garage with the cleaning supplies, rat poison, and weed killer. I also learned that diaper cream will never come out of clothing. Ever.

I spent the better part of an hour scrubbing the walls in the baby’s room. Meanwhile, Spaz had moved on to bigger and better things. He went into the bathroom and for reasons, known only to him, poured a full bottle of shampoo into the bathtub. How nice. After cleaning up the diaper cream, I went into the bathroom to do damage control there. When my five year old walked in to use the bathroom, she discovered that Spaz had also generously coated the toilet seat with shampoo and put a whole roll of toilet paper in the bowl.

After cleaning up the bathroom, I made the kids some cinnamon toast. Stupidly, I left the tub of butter on the kitchen counter. I paid for that mistake when I heard my five year old call, “Mooom! Spaz put butter on my floor!” Yes, the carpet in the girls’ room was covered in butter. Do you know how to get butter out of carpet? I don’t. If you have any ideas, please give me a call!




In the time it took me to clean up (actually, “smear around” is a better term) the butter, Spaz had dumped out the toy box and taken apart the girls’ dollhouse. Spaz just loves to take things apart. He not only likes to take things apart, but he also likes to pour things. He climbs onto the kitchen counters, grabs cups out of the cabinets and fills them with water from the dispenser on the freezer door. (It’s also great fun to simply depress the button and let the water run out of the freezer door and down onto the floor.) He not only fills cups, but toys, plastic sandwich bags, the baby’s car seat, cases from video tapes, and his older brother’s cup (and I’m not talking about the kind of cup you drink from.) And it’s not just water he uses. Oh no. He uses lotion, shampoo, jelly, heck, he once even grabbed a tank of gasoline used to fill our lawnmower and proceeded to water the plants with it thinking it was a watering can.

After lunch, I sent my youngest three off to play and sat down to do my taxes, which is not exactly my idea of fun. Personally, I’d rather have a root canal than do my taxes because doing one’s taxes involves math and I recently learned from my fifth grader, that I’m completely incompetent at math. But really, how often, in your adult life, have you had to know the answer to “if a train leaves Boston at 7:30 in the morning and travels 60 miles an hour…”



I checked on the kids after a few minutes only to find that Spaz had scribbled on the baby’s head with a pen. So, I washed the poor baby’s forehead and thanked God that it was only pen and not permanent marker this time. I set the kids up with a movie and went back to my taxes. Everyone was occupied with an activity, no one was fighting, nothing was being broken, and the planets were all aligned in harmony, then it hit me. Playing quietly is almost never a good thing. Where there's quiet, there's mischief. I cannot stress this enough. You really shouldn't ever sit back, relax and revel in the silence. You will later regret this when you discover that the silence you were just enjoying was a product of the kids' attention being focused on their latest science experiment, or the stacking of furniture, cartoon style, to see how high they can climb, or the testing of the vacuum’s suction power on the dog. In any case, it's not a good idea to enjoy the silence.

I got up to check on the little ones and I noticed that the baby’s hands didn’t look quite right. On further inspection, I saw that all the fingers on both hands were in fact, glued together. They weren’t glued with good ole Elmer’s washable school glue either. They were super glued together! How on earth my three year old managed to not only find the super glue, but open it, and slather it all over the baby’s hands in a matter of minutes, is beyond me. We’ll skip the details of the next hour, but sufficed to say, about fifty cotton balls and one whole bottle of nail polish remover later, her hands were unstuck.

This folks, is my life. Every minute of every day. And I'm not even mentioning the time he stole a golf cart and drove it into our camper! Now I know what most of you are thinking - ‘This is the most neglectful mother on the planet. Does she ever watch her kids?’ Let me tell you, Spaz by himself would be a handful and a half, but with five other kids to watch, it’s impossible to keep my eye on this one 24/7. For those of you out there who have a child like Spaz -you know, a child that everyone else likes to call “busy” (and I say this with as much sarcasm as I can muster) just know that you are not alone. Believe me, you’re definitely not alone. My only advice is - hang in there. And perhaps buy stock in Bacardi and Ritalin. And when your husbands come home and upon seeing the house, ask, “What did you do all day?” just tell them “Damage control.”