Monday, March 21, 2011

ONE THOUSAND!

This officially marks my one thousandth post on Because I Said So! Holy cow, I don't know how I've thought of a thousand things to write!

I love blogging because it's opened this fabulous community to me. So many moms can relate to things I write because I'm an ordinary mom doing ordinary things and I have ordinary kids who act like kids. It's nice to see someone else doing the same things/going through the same things that you are. It's depressing trying to live up to that "Perfect Mom" image. You know the type of mom who showers. Every day! The kind of mom who always has on nice clothing, make-up, and actual hair care products. The kind of mom whose children are clean and dressed to the nines. The sort of mom who has a floor so clean you can eat off it, not the kind of mom who has a floor you can eat off of simply because there are so many crumbs on it. Instead of trying to live up to Perfect Mom, it's much more comforting to know you're not alone in your quest to both love your kids, and to make it through the day without breaking down, curling up into a fetal position and rocking back and forth.

Thank you for being part of my community, for reading all these years, for your kind comments, and for supporting me and my family! You guys rock!

So, for this thousandth post, I think it's fitting to reprint my eBay auction that brought attention to this blog and made me go from about 10 hits a day to 94,000 overnight.


And here's the text of the auction. . .

I'm selling a bunch of Pokemon cards. Why? Because my kids sneaked them into my shopping cart while at the grocery store and I ended up buying them because I didn't notice they were there until we got home. How could I have possibly not noticed they were in my cart, you ask? Let me explain.

You haven’t lived until you’ve gone grocery shopping with six kids in tow. I would rather swim, covered in bait, through the English Channel, be a contestant on Fear Factor when they’re having pig brains for lunch, or do fourth grade math than to take my six kids to the grocery store. Because I absolutely detest grocery shopping, I tend to put it off as long as possible. There comes a time, however, when you’re peering into your fridge and thinking, ‘Hmmm, what can I make with ketchup, Italian dressing, and half an onion,’ that you decide you cannot avoid going to the grocery store any longer. Before beginning this most treacherous mission, I gather all the kids together and give them “The Lecture“.

“The Lecture“ goes like this…
MOM: “We have to go to the grocery store.”
KIDS: “Whine whine whine whine whine.“
MOM: “Hey, I don’t want to go either, but it’s either that or we’re eating cream of onion-ketchup soup and drinking Italian dressing for dinner tonight.”
KIDS: “Whine whine whine whine whine.“
MOM: “Now here are the rules: do not ask me for anything, do not poke the packages of meat in the butcher section, do not test the laws of physics and try to take out the bottom can in the pyramid shaped display, do not play baseball with oranges in the produce section, and most importantly, do not try to leave your brother at the store. Again.”

OK, the kids have been briefed. Time to go.

Once at the store, we grab not one, but two shopping carts. I wear the baby in a sling and the two little children sit in the carts while I push one cart and my oldest son pushes the other one. My oldest daughter is not allowed to push a cart. Ever. Why? Because the last time I let her push the cart, she smashed into my ankles so many times, my feet had to be amputated by the end of our shopping trip. This is not a good thing. You try running after a toddler with no feet sometime.

At this point, a woman looks at our two carts and asks me, “Are they all yours?” I answer good naturedly, “Yep!

“Oh my, you have your hands full.”

“Yes, I do, but it‘s fun!” I say smiling. I’ve heard all this before. In fact, I hear it every time I go anywhere with my brood.

We begin in the produce section where all these wonderfully, artistically arranged pyramids of fruit stand. There is something so irresistibly appealing about the apple on the bottom of the pile, that a child cannot help but try to touch it. Much like a bug to a zapper, the child is drawn to this piece of fruit. I turn around to the sounds of apples cascading down the display and onto the floor. Like Indiana Jones, there stands my son holding the all-consuming treasure that he just HAD to get and gazing at me with this dumbfounded look as if to say, “Did you see that??? Wow! I never thought that would happen!”

I give the offending child an exasperated sigh and say, “Didn’t I tell you, before we left, that I didn’t want you taking stuff from the bottom of the pile???”

“No. You said that you didn’t want us to take a can from the bottom of the pile. You didn’t say anything about apples.”

With superhuman effort, I resist the urge to send my child to the moon and instead focus on the positive - my child actually listened to me and remembered what I said!!! I make a mental note to be a little more specific the next time I give the kids The Grocery Store Lecture.

A little old man looks at all of us and says, “Are all of those your kids?”

Thinking about the apple incident, I reply, “Nope. They just started following me. I’ve never seen them before in my life.”

OK, now onto the bakery section where everything smells so good, I’m tempted to fill my cart with cookies and call it a day. Being on a perpetual diet, I try to hurry past the assortment of pies, cakes, breads, and pastries that have my children drooling. At this point the chorus of “Can we gets” begins.

“Can we get donuts?”
“No.”
“Can we get cupcakes?”
“No.”
“Can we get muffins?”
“No.”
“Can we get pie?”
“No.”

You’d think they’d catch on by this point, but no, they’re just getting started.

In the bakery, they’re giving away free samples of coffee cake and of course, my kids all take one. The toddler decides he doesn’t like it and proceeds to spit it out in my hand. (That’s what moms do. We put our hands in front of our children’s mouths so they can spit stuff into them. We’d rather carry around a handful of chewed up coffee cake, than to have the child spit it out onto the floor. I’m not sure why this is, but ask any mom and she’ll tell you the same.) Of course, there’s no garbage can around, so I continue shopping one-handed while searching for someplace to dispose of the regurgitated mess in my hand.

In the meat department, a mother with one small baby asks me, “Wow! Are all six yours?”
I answer her, “Yes, but I’m thinking of selling a couple of them.”

(Still searching for a garbage can at this point.)

Ok, after the meat department, my kids’ attention spans are spent. They’re done shopping at this point, but we aren’t even halfway through the store. This is about the time they like to start having shopping cart races. And who may I thank for teaching them this fun pastime? My seventh “child”, also known as my husband. While I’m picking out loaves of bread, the kids are running down the aisle behind the carts in an effort to get us kicked out of the store. I put to stop to that just as my son is about to crash head on into a giant cardboard cut-out of a Keebler elf stacked with packages of cookies.

Ah! Yes! I find a small trash can by the coffee machine in the cereal aisle and finally dump out the squishy contents of my hand. After standing in the cereal aisle for an hour and a half while the kids perused the various cereals, comparing the marshmallow and cheap, plastic toy content of each box, I broke down and let them each pick out a box. At any given time, we have twenty open boxes of cereal in my house.

As this is going on, my toddler is playing Houdini and maneuvering his little body out of the seat belt in an attempt to stand up in the cart. I’m amazed the kid made it to his second birthday without suffering a brain damaging head injury. In between trying to flip himself out of the cart, he sucks on the metal bars of the shopping cart. Mmmm, can you say “influenza”?

The shopping trip continues much like this. I break up fights between the kids now and then and stoop down to pick up items that the toddler has flung out of the cart. I desperately try to get everything on my list without adding too many other goodies to the carts.

Somehow I manage to complete my shopping in under four hours and head for the check-outs where my kids start in on a chorus of, “Can we have candy?” What evil minded person decided it would be a good idea to put a display of candy in the check-out lanes, right at a child’s eye level? Obviously someone who has never been shopping with children.

As I unload the carts, I notice many extra items that my kids have sneaked in the carts unbeknownst to me. I remove a box of Twinkies, a package of cupcakes, a bag of candy, and a can of cat food (we don’t even have a cat!). I somehow missed the box of Pokemon cards however and ended up purchasing them unbeknownst to me. As I pay for my purchases, the clerk looks at me, indicates my kids, and asks, “Are they all yours?”

Frustrated, exhausted from my trip, sick to my stomach from writing out a check for $289.53, dreading unloading all the groceries and putting them away and tired of hearing that question, I look at the clerk and answer her in my most sarcastic voice, “No. They’re not mine. I just go around the neighborhood gathering up kids to take to the grocery store because it’s so much more fun that way.”

So, up for auction is an opened (they ripped open the box on the way home from the store) package of Pokemon cards. There are 44 cards total. They're in perfect condition, as I took them away from the kiddos as soon as we got home from the store. Many of them say "Energy". I tried carrying them around with me, but they didn't work. I definitely didn't have any more energy than usual. One of them is shiny. There are a few creature-like things on many of them. One is called Pupitar. Hee hee hee Pupitar! (Oh no! My kids' sense of humor is rubbing off on me!) Anyway, I don't think there's anything special about any of these cards, but I'm very much not an authority on Pokemon cards. I just know that I'm not letting my kids keep these as a reward for their sneakiness.

Shipping is FREE on this item. Insurance is optional, but once I drop the package at the post office, it is no longer my responsibility. For example, if my son decides to pour a bottle of glue into the envelope, or my daughter spills a glass of juice on the package, that’s my responsibility and I will fully refund your money. If, however, I take the envelope to the post office and a disgruntled mail carrier sets fire to it, a pack of wild dogs rip into it, or a mail sorting machine shreds it, it’s out of my hands, so you may want to add insurance. I will leave feedback for you as soon as I’ve received your payment. I will be happy to combine shipping on multiple items won within three days. This comes from a smoke-free, pet-free, child-filled home. Please ask me any questions before placing your bid. Happy bidding! :)

23 comments:

Sandy in Illinois said...

Dawn, It is still just as amusing as it was the very first time I read it. Thanks for 1000 good times.

Kaia said...

Wow, that's a lot! And that's still a good story :) lol

Donna said...

You know, I read this way back when, before I was reading your blog. And I cracked right up. Cracking up again, because I now have four kids, and I'd eat that creamofketchup soup before I took them all to the store. You described it exactly. Thanks for the laugh.

The Big-Bellied Beauty said...

It is amazing that you posted this today because I reread the Ebay auction earlier. I was trying to explain it to my husband, and when I realized how bad of a job I was doing, I got out my laptop and read it straight from your blog. Keep up the great work, I enjoy reading your blog!

-Meghan
http://big-belliedbeautysguidetodisneyworld.blogspot.com/

Vicky said...

I love your blog and I'm not even a mum. Congrats on the 1000th post and hope there are many more !!!!

Tokyo Biker Mommy said...

Ah, the one that started it all. A classic! :)

Diana said...

This EBay listing is what got me to read your blog! I remember that I was amazed watching the bidding go up...And of course I had to forward the listing to a bunch of friends. Anyway, I've been reading your blog ever since.
Thanks for reminding me how I found your blog.
Diana

Sarah said...

Congratulations! Thanks for making us laugh! :)

Elle and Belle said...

I'm a fairly recent follower, but i'm hooked! Having 6 kids myself I can totally relate to your blog. Don't stop!!

Iny said...

omg! I actually read this on Ebay, and I showed it to my husband because i thought it was hilarious! To this day, I refer to you as the "ebay lady". Ive been following since then. Congrats on your 1000 post!

Lisa said...

Congrats Dawn! Quite a milestone. As it happens, it is MY 1000th post today too (I did a double take when I saw your headline...) I can't think of any one I would rather cross this particular mile marker with!

Jen said...

Wow!! 1,000 posts!! I was excited when I reached my 100th post! Ha! This post cracked me up! My kids kept asking, "What's so funny, mom?" And I was like, "I'm reading a funny story about my life!" :) You crack me up. I love being able to say to myself as I read your blog, "No way, her too??" Looking forward to reading a 1,000 more!!! :)

Jen@Scrapingirl said...

I remember reading that!!! Holy Crow!! Happy 1000th post!! Sorry I'm yelling, I can't stop!!!! I'm trying to talk over my kids, I guess!!! :)

On Stage said...

Congratulations Dawn!

Anne said...

Congrats on 1,000 posts:) Love your blog. So funny. I'm a newbie barely at 10 posts but it's fun! I love that people ask you if all those kids are yours...reminds me of the refrigerator magnet.."Who are these kids? And why are they calling me MOM?" http://www.ephemera-inc.com/Shop-By-Theme/Retro-Bitch/Who-are-these-kids-why-are-they-calling-me-mom-Refrigerator-Magnet-9074.html

Sherry said...

Thanks for the laugh. It is still as funny as it was the first time I read it. Hang in there. God knows where you are and will meet you there.

Ginny Williams said...

just as funny all these post later :)
Thank you for all thousand posts. the good, bad, ugly. I've been here since the ebay post, and looking forward to the next 1000 posts.

Nate B said...

The pokemon card post is definitely what brought me to you, but your continued excellent, sometimes funny, sometimes sad posts keep me coming back. Thanks for what you do. Sorry the ex is such a useless jerk.

Kathy said...

Congrats on 1000!!! It was this exact ebay post that introduced me to you. I'm so glad you have let us into your life and have made me feel like the struggles I go through with my children are actually just normal every day occurances. I am truly sorry for the way your ex is behaving and the string of bad luck that seems to come your way. Know that we all pray for you and wish nothing but the best for your family. I'll keep pryaing that things will turn around for you and the kids and great things will come your way. Thank you for allowing me into your "life." I look forward to your posts every day!

Jeanette said...

Omg, that was you??

I used to hang out on the Ebay discussion boards and I remember that auction being posted and watched. I didn't know what a blog was back then. Once I started reading blogs and found yours I just kept reading because I thought you were funny. I had no idea until just now that you were the Pokemon lady!

Mimicutelips said...

That was a hilarious read. You joked about publishing and book and now you have two under your belt. GOOD ON YA!!!

Bob said...

This is wonderful writing! Are all those kids yours? (I just wanted to see what your answer would be this time)!

Kazza the Blank One said...

ha! I have to confess I started following your blog after seeing that eBay auction :)
I don't have kids, but love reading your stories about yours :)

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