Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I Don't Know What to Write

I mentioned on Facebook that I couldn't think of anything to blog about and I asked if I could just blog about not having anything to blog about. My friends on Facebook gave me the thumbs up. So, really the following blog post is their fault. Hunt them down; not me.

Soooo, as I was saying. I wanted to write a nice blog post because I've been kinda busy lately what with kids and my manuscript and such and I've been kinda, sorta, a little bit, notsomuch writing here. In case you hadn't noticed. But when I sat down at my computer, I couldn't think of anything to write. So I had some coconut M&Ms thanks to my reader Jennifer, for sending them to me.
Hopped up on the heavenly combination of coconut and chocolate, I looked back at my keyboard, ready to start writing. But I read some mail instead. Did you know that Dr. Clement Okon requests my confidence in an urgent business matter that will net me 21,000,000 US dollars? I know! I was pretty excited about that too!

Done with my spam folder, I pulled up my blog once more, but was sidetracked by Lexi who had gotten out of bed to tattle tell me that Clay was out of bed. After duct-taping the kids back in bed (No, Joe, you and your parents don't need to call DCFS; I didn't really tape them in bed. I know you don't comprehend this, but I use humor and sarcasm in my blog.), I sat down and stared at my computer screen again.

Since nothing exciting happened to me today (well, excluding the part where I was at the grocery store and saw the Black Eyed Peas. I took a picture of them and twittered about it, but no one thought it was quite as cool as I did. In fact, Austin even told me I was a dork. So, naturally, I posted it on his Facebook wall.


When I was done playing around on my son's wall, I brought up my blog once more. And once more, I was distracted from writing; this time by Lexi telling me that Jackson's turtle was on the floor.

"Jackson, why is your turtle on the floor?"

"Because I spilled his food on the floor."

I stared at him. "???"

"He's cleaning it up for me."

I glanced at an entire jar of turtle food on the floor. I looked at his tiny little turtle. Yep, makes sense to me. I turned on my heel and left.

Back at my computer, I stared at my blank screen, willing something brilliant to pop into my head. The only thing that crossed my mind, however, was that I was thirsty. I went to the fridge to pour myself some orange juice. This is what I saw. I didn't even question who put the shrunken head there or why. Some things just don't surprise me anymore. It's normal to see a decapitated head in the fridge, it's normal to hear Clay sing a song about pooping in the USA, and it's normal when one of the kids has a friend over and when it's time for the friend to go, we can't find her shoe. Anywhere. For two days.
Okay, enough procrastinating, Dawn. You have to think of something to write. Your readers expect you to come up with something now and then. Think, think, think. Ugh, this is ridiculous! It shouldn't be this hard to think of something to write, for crying out loud!

I stalled some more by cleaning all the garbage out from under the couches. I decided to do some sit-ups since I was already on the floor and all. I did two before my abdominal muscles got up and walked right out of my body, leaving me lying in a ball, crying in pain on the floor. From that great vantage point, I saw an M&M I'd dropped and ate it promptly threw it in the garbage can.

I went back to the kitchen and added a little rum to my orange juice. After a few minutes, I decided that perhaps my rum to orange juice ratio wasn't quite right. I started thinking it would be fun to actually wear an eye patch to Target tomorrow, and talk like a pirate to everyone. "Shiver me timbers, I can't find the laundry detergent! Can ya be helping a poor pirate to find it, matey?"

Realizing that my blogging was going nowhere, I opted to take a shower and think about it. Somewhere between washing my hair and shaving my legs, I forgot about blogging and started writing dialogue in my head for a great romance novel. I write novels in my head all day long. I don't even realize I do it. I just do. I have since I can remember. As a little kid, I was always "writing" stories in my head. Too bad I don't write brilliant blog posts in my head, huh? And if you've read this far, thinking I'd eventually have a point, all I can say is (in the words of Clay), "Sucks to be you!"

33 comments:

Darla said...

As the first to comment on facebook I can only hope to be the first comment here as well! Lol. Even if you posted about a bunch of little incidents that don't really add up to much I still enjoyed reading it and was laughing hysterically. Especially about you considering acting as a pirate. If you don't do it tomorrow there is always September 19, International Talk Like A Pirate Day. We celebrate it almost religiously at my house, and last year I even bought eye-patches for us to wear! I kid you not though, it really is a holiday at least according to numerous sites on the internet, but hey it's a fun day and a great excuse to drink lots of rum! Enjoy!

nearlynotquite.com said...

You make "nothing" entertaining, way more than I make "something" sound :0)

Donna said...

Dang, this is one of your most fun posts ever!

noexcuses said...

Great job for not having much to write! You did good! I can totally relate to the sit ups!

Melissa said...

Love it!!

V1nce said...

Writers block schmiters block I was entertained. Loved the decapitated head in the fridge. I have to try that w/my goat heads, they keep going bad on me and only last 1-2 rituals/kids parties.

BTW is it just me or did the doll head look judgemental?

Tammy said...

So basically, you wrote a "Seinfeld" blogpost. ;0)

Chocolate and Coconut? I don't think they've made it here way out in the boondocks.

Dontcha love cleaning out under the couches? I pull our 3 couches out, and I swear, I don't know where all that crap comes from. I mean, besides ME kicking toys under there all day. ahem.

It makes me sick to think that your ex and his family would call DCFS. LOSERS.

Thanks for your post. :0)

When are we going to see pics of your bathroom redo?

Jen@Scrapingirl said...

HAHAHA!!!! I've had a rough few days and I totally needed to laugh. Crying seems to be theme over here. Thank you for giving me a break from it. :)

Covey and Justin said...

I would highly suggest using one of these: http://partysurplus.com/ipics/Velcro%20Wall.gif
instead of duct tape. They are very effective at keeping my 1, 2 and 4 year old in bed once I've put them there. :)I just sewed up the velcro suits in my spare time and bought some velcro sheets at target. voila!

Janice said...

Maybe if Joe and his parents would think to spend time with the kids they'd have less time hunting through your blogs for reasons to call DCFS...yeah I'm talking to you Joe and grandparents, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Dawn, how about writing some of those stories. You can self publish them on Amazon kindle and see how they do.

SandyAnnDee said...

Oh gosh I could have written this blog - except, you know, I couldn't have because it would have never gotten past the "in my head" stage. BTW, the friend's shoe is in between the mattress and boxspring of your youngest child's bed. I don't know why it's there either. Like you, I stopped asking.

Mayberry Mom said...

See, here's the thing: you manage to be completely entertaining and make me laugh even when you say you had no point and didn't know what to write! Now that's talent!! :o)

Erin T. said...

You cannot be serious. Was your ex-husband, and/or his family, the ones who called DCFS on you?! If you wouldn't mind clarifying something for me - isn't he the parent who WALKED AWAY from his children and has caused more than his share of stress in your home?!

If he is responsible for your DCFS issue he should be hunted down...

Dana from Alabama said...

Manuscript? Are you writing another book? I just finished your new one and LOVED it. SO much.

Bobbie said...

I loved reading about nothing. Very entertaining while I was doing nothing.... or should I say, while I wasn't doing anything. Please do let us know how the pirate shopping goes. And have you ever changed your facebook language to pirate? I am not sure you still can, but at one point you could and it is quite a hoot.

And I do have to give Jackson a thumbs up on the turtle thing. I am pretty sure I keep my dogs around to clean up food messes on the floor in my house, but I do give up and clean up if they don't finish it all in a timely manner. ;)

Oh, and the Black Eyed Peas thing.... LOVE IT!!! Although I work with teenagers so I can imagine the look you received. I am sure he was laughing on the inside.

momnextdoor said...

This is a great post. I think it's in the same vain of what made Seinfeld so funny. Sometimes, something about nothing is better than nothing about something! You had me crying (from laughing, don't worry) by the end of it!

Jen said...

I love the pirate bit! Please go to Target like that, PLEASE! And bring a friend with a video camera. That is sooo something I would have done in college...

Nicole said...

LOL! Yesterday, I actually told my 8 eight year old that I would duct tape him to his chair, if he didn't sit there and finish his math. I was kidding too, of course :)

Patti said...

I did in fact read through it all and laughed out loud, in addition to reading it a friend. Thanks for the funny blog!

Kikilia said...

Has your ex really called DCFS on you?

Chris said...

I was going to mention talk like a pirate day too, Dawn. Ahoy Matey is about as good as I can get with it. But if YOU want to talk/be like a pirate, go for it!! And Dawn, your blogs are always great. I aspire to be like you!! (And seriously? They'd call the authorities because you said you duct taped them in bed? I feel sorry for them...)

Wendi said...

You crack me up! And I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only one who has always written stories "in my head". You don't even know how many times I've gotten the "coo-coo" look from friends and family when I have mentioned that to them.

Thanks for providing a little distraction during my work day! =)

Tammy said...

You have GOT to check out this site. It's got Clay written all over it! LOL

www.poopoopaper.com

It's paper recycled from animal poo! Can you just see Clayton getting a major kick out of it. :0)

Maufeline said...

You do NOT tape your children on things? Unbelivable you were able to resist the urge ;-)
I wasn't: http://www.alchemikus.de/maufeline/2011/02/es-gibt-so-tage.html

(she enjoyed it very much ;-) )

Susanne in Sweden said...

HAHAHA! Love this - it's brilliant! Thx for the laughter! :D

It also raises memories of when I was in 8th grade and had to write an essay about a subject of my own choice. After a weekend of procrastination + dull suggestions from mom&dad + staring at a blank paper in utter frustration and anguish, I realized that all my creativity was hopelessly gone on a long-term vacation to who-knows-where, and there was no way to ever find a suitable topic.

So, in the end, I wrote a looong essay entitled "An Essay About Not Knowing What to Write My Essay About". The result? Success!

You can safely do this again. It always works!

Dawn said...

For some reason this reminds me of those "If you give a mouse a cookie" type book, except for the ending.

Sunnyworld said...

Loved the blog. Good job! It made me smile and it made me laugh and it reminded me of some of the things I used to do to my kids!!

Snookie said...

Did you know that you were mentioned in this New York Times article?

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/27/magazine/27armstrong-t.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

Carrie said...

K, so, great use of the "sucks to be you" phrase. I wasn't expecting that. Haha! Also, um, hello? Seinfeld?? Show about nothing? I think that makes it pretty clear that a blog post about nothing is not only acceptable, but also hilariously funny! :)

I've enjoyed your last few posts about your silly kids. Keep smiling. :)

Jennifer Foster said...

Loved it!

Beth said...

Funny post. I do remember being seriously tempted to tape, glue, or staple my oldest into bed.
Loved the 'Black Eyed Peas' still grinning just thinking about it and the eye rolling teen that called you a dork!!!

Bonnie Leon said...

Thank you for having nothing to say. I smiled and laughed all the way through. I really needed that today.

Amazing you!

Mommy to three said...

After reading about your ex and your inlaws calling dcfs on you I have to ask you a question-maybe for the Sunday sound off? How did you know when you had had enough? How did you know when your marriage was not going to be able to work? As someone who has alcoholics in my life I am just wondering how you know that enough is enough. I know in previous posts you mentioned that things had been difficult for years and I am wondering why did you stay then and what finally made you leave. I know these are really personal questions so ignore this comment if you want and know that I will still be a reader of your blog.

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