Monday, December 22, 2008

Rinse and Spit

I took all the kids, plus one friend who had slept over last night, to the dentist for our 6 month cleaning today. That was a really fun way to start off the week. You know, with 7 kids being bonkers in the dentist's office for an hour and a half. Actually, the friend (Brandon), Savannah, and Lexi got gold stars. Austin only got a silver star because he "accidentally bumped Brooklyn". This is also known as "tripping her on purpose". Clay also got a silver star because he spent a little too much time being wacko in the office. Jackson didn't even earn a star. He got an oval. Brooklyn got a rhombus because she threw an all-out fit because I wouldn't let her clean the floor with her brand new toothbrush. Know how long you can play I SPY before the kids' attention spans are spent? 4 1/2 minutes.

I'm usually prepared for visits and pack a few toys/games to occupy the little ones. I wasn't prepared today. In fact, we all got up late and I threw pieces of toast to the kids as I yelled at encouraged them to quickly get dressed and get in the car. Jackson's poor friend is never coming over again. I starved him and made him sit at the dentist for an hour and a half when he'd just gone to the dentist with his own family of 6 on Saturday! Poor kid.

Anyway, as I started writing my post for tonight, I remembered that I had written one about my trip to the dentist back in July to have a couple cavities filled. I only posted the last paragraph for some reason. Here's the rest of it.....


I went to the dentist today. My dentist is a little Novocaine happy. Then again, my old dentist never used Novocaine when he filled my teeth. Of course, he was senile. Seriously, I'd gone to the same dentist for 20-some years and despite the fact that I'd have a tooth filled one week, he wouldn't seem to remember me the following week. Maybe that's why, when I switched dentists, my new one told me that my teeth were still decayed beneath my fillings - because he didn't drill them enough, thus no need for Novocaine.

Anyway, he approached me with the needle and I clamped my mouth shut.
"Open," he instructed.
"Huh-uh!" I said while turning my head.
He looked at me for a minute while debating whether I was serious. He wondered for a minute if he should restrain me, give up, or plug my nose thereby forcing me to open my mouth.
I gave in and opened up.
He slowly pushed the plunger on the syringe and, after 4 and a half minutes, had injected 86 ounces of Novocaine. Meanwhile I sat there all nice and tense, my nails biting into the flesh of my palms. I jab my nails into my hands while having my teeth worked on because I'm positive this will keep my dentist from hitting a nerve and sending me into orbit in a fit of horrific pain. I'm serious. It works.

"Go ahead and rinse."
I sit up, take a sip from the cup that magically fills every time he tells me to rinse, and swish it around my mouth which is quickly becoming numb. Then I spit. I don't think I've ever just spit into the bowl and been done with it. Not once in my life. And I've had a LOT of dental appointments in my life. Nope, I don't just spit. I spit and drool and make a huge mess. Sometimes I spit with such force that the water sloshes over the side of the bowl. Sometimes I kinda miss the bowl. But I ALWAYS have globs of drool hanging all over my face when I'm done. No problem - I have my very own absorbent paper bib to wipe my mouth on. I'm sure my dentist is thoroughly disgusted by my practice of wiping my mouth all over myself. By the time I leave, the bib is a soaking wet, shriveled scrap of paper.

Then he grabs another syringe and points it at my mouth.
"What the...?"
"I'll fix the tooth on top too." Then he proceeds to repeat the process on the top of my mouth.

So he drilled my teeth with a um, jackhammer. Seriously, I don't know what kind of drill bit he was using, but I felt this vibrating in my head as a delicious burnt flavor slowly dripped down my throat. As he drilled my teeth, I concentrated on not swallowing. The more I thought about not swallowing, the more I needed to swallow and no matter how much I willed myself not to, my throat didn't obey. I have this fear that I'm going to swallow while he's drilling and the swallowing action is going to push his drill into my gum where it will bore a hole through my skull and I won't even know it because I'm so numb. What's left of my brain will leak out into my mouth and I'll accidentally spit it into the little toilet bowl the next time I'm told to rinse.

When he's done drilling, he starts to put some tooth-filler-stuff in them. After putting some goo on my tooth, he takes this little wand that has a glowing purple light on it. It's basically a glow stick that kids like to play with at Halloween. It makes some sort of beeping noise. The purpose of this is to glow and beep.

After the glow stick treatment, the dentist had me bite down on a piece of carbon paper. When businesses went from that old fashioned machine where they slid your credit card under a stack of paper and carbons to an automated computer system, they gave dentists their supply of leftover carbon paper. I mean, they didn't want to just throw it out. That would be wasteful. The dentist uses this carbon paper to ...well, actually they just use it because they don't want to throw away their boxes and boxes of carbon paper either.

After my appointment, I went shopping for a pair of shoes because I'd decided that I couldn't wear my Crocs to BlogHer. I went to 50 shoe stores! Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a pair of shoes that look cute and yet are super comfortable? I found dozens of cute pairs at every store. They were adorable! Unfortunately, I would break my neck if I ever tried to walk in them. Still, I tried a couple pairs on for kicks. Keep in mind, that at this point, my mouth was still completely numb. So here I am, stumbling around in these heels, my mouth drooping, probably drooling on myself and I couldn't stop thinking about that Seinfeld episode with Kramer and the shoes and the Novocaine!

29 comments:

My Semblance of Sanity said...

LMAO! Dawn, friend, there are times I read your posts and I am almost jealous of the chaos you have at your fingertips. Not that I would ever want to take 7 kids to the dentist, heck...I have cancelled a vet appt 3x b/c I can't imagine taking a cat AND a 3 yr old to the vet, but your chaos is just that...almost enviable!

Keep it coming!

majikfaerie said...

Dawn, how did you get to be so funny!? Did you take classes, or did a comedian fall from heaven?
LOL

Ruth said...

May I suggest finding a dental practice that has regular dentists for the adults and pediatric dentists for the kids. Because they have such a large number of child patients, those practices usually have a play area for the kiddos with trucks, Legos/Duplos, puzzles, books, etc. And you have the added bonus of a dentist who actually likes and is good at working on/with children. My munchkin absolutely adores her dentist and looks forward to her appointments.

Amie said...

Dawn, I am exactly like you at the dentist! I hate needles, and have an extreme fear that swallowing will make the drill either mess up the tooth that's being worked on, or jab me in a non-numbed gum!

Vanessa Rogers said...

I always feel like that when I go to the Dentist as well!

Laurie Lynn said...

Dentists!
Your post reminded me of the “dentist” scene in one of the Pink Panther movies. Funny.
It also reminded me of one time when I was at the dentist and the electricity went out. I was already numb, so Mr. Dentist went ahead and extracted my wisdom tooth. That was weird!
Last time I was at the dentist to get 3 wisdom teeth extracted. The nurses and Specialist Dentist I’d never met barely made introductions before coming at me with needles. (I am serious!)What's the deal?!
There is a NEED for common courtesy among "Professionals" who torture you, then bill you for it! It hurt my feelings to be treated like a car engine, “Open ‘er up. Let’s see what we’ve got in there. “Yep. Jack ‘er up. Let’s git em outa there.”
Did you buy some shoes?

Jaime said...

I LOVE that Seinfeld! Probably my favorite one.

You did better at the dentist than I would have done-I pass out all the time!

Patricia said...

Hey Dawn, if you are ever looking for comfy and cute shoes again you should try The Walking Company. I have plantar fasciitis too and their shoes have been great for me! There is one in Woodfield, Old Orchard, and Hawthorn. Hope this helps!

Anonymous said...

All six (I mean seven!) kids to the dentist on a Monday? I know I've mentioned this before, but apparently your kids didn't have school on Monday, and I'm assuming that means they're already off for Holiday Break. You midwesterners sure have long school vacations! We have two whole days of school this week, and I'm already dreading the fact that we have until January 5 this year until my kids get forcibly separated by having to go back to separate schools. We already went to the dentist recently, so I can't use that activity to distract them. Any other suggestions (besides the old standby of TV, of course!)?

~Laura

Candi said...

Ah, yes. Gotta love the dentist. Look at what he does to you when you do. God forbid what might happen to you if you didn't! I like your system with the kids (the color thingies). You are Medal of Honor brave, taking 7 children into a dentist's office.
This will likely be my last chance before the big day, but wanted to wish you and yours a very Merry Chistmas. God bless you - each and every one!

Cookie said...

Thanks for something fun to read while I'm stuck home in the snow with my kids for a week now :S
I wrote about my trip to the dentist on my blog too :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Dawn, Atleast you have dental Insurance.We don't and every year a bunch of dentist in town do a "Give kids a smile day" for free. Last year they did parents too. After they took my x-rays and I sat in the chair I seen these people look at me as if " Whose mouth belongs to this x-ray" He filled a cavity and then I went to the cleaning person who was " In training" I spent two and a half hours in all with my mouth open. Ouch! Kristine in Michigan.

angeleyes Blue said...

I also used to go to the dentist every 6 months but that was before marriage and kids. I do make sure my kiddos go every 6 months. My poor daughter--She got her first 2 fillings a couple of weeks ago. To be 15 almost 16 and to have your first filling! I had her brother take her. He is better with the icky things than I.

We discovered well learned that novcane doesn't work for her. They tried and after 3 attempts to numb her they called it quits. They filled the cavity with no such numbing available. She toughed it out but they had found 2 cavities and decided to finish with the other one another day.

She did go back with her brother and had the other one filled. Oh Goody. Done! She still takes great care of her teeth but as the dentist pointed out the 2 cavities were in places that all the flossing and brushing would have never prevented the cavities.

Have a great holiday season everyone!!

tonya5015 said...

i like my dentist but i hate going to the dentist. a few years ago i had a bad tooth ache. come to find out my wisdom teethon the bottom right side had grown in sideways and into the molar in front of it. i had to have all 4 wisdom teeth pulled. i looked like a blow fish the day after. my whole head swell up. i had to have a root canal on the molar because of the damage from the wisdom tooth. they told me to come back in for a crown but i didn't and a year later another tooth ache and come to find out the tooth i had the root canal on became "highly infected" and had to be remove. i tell you if it ain't one thing it's another.

as a child i never had a cavity and now that i'm older and the dand teether should be falling out anyway i end of spending big $ trying to save them.

Anonymous said...

Did you know that you are in the New York Times?

Rebekah D. said...

This post was hilarious! I'm waking my kids up from their naps with my giggling. Thanks for injecting a big dose of funny into my day. (Injecting! Ha ha! Yes, I'm a dork.)

Amanda said...

Oh my gosh you crack me up!! Between the oval Jackson received at the dentist to your experience at the dentist, I was laughing my butt off.

And I totally know what you mean about trying not to swallow but because you're thinking of not swallowing, you want to swallow even more. Such a predicament! So glad you survived the dentist... but you know, if your outings went perfectly, what would you blog about? ;-) Have a Merry Christmas!

Anonymous said...

Dawn, SSO question: Bat poop or butt paste?

Sam and Rachel Tramontana said...

Dawn, is it just me or you always at the dentist office? :) (Smile)

Anonymous said...

Your dentist still uses the swish & spit method? How draconian!!! You DO realize that water is nasty & is recycled, right? GA-ROOOSSS! I'd be switching dentists. Not only does my dentist have an assitant that is constantly rinsing my mouth with a little water hose, but also sucking up all the water used to rinse & the drool. In addition to that - I have TWO WORDS for you - Nitrous oxide. Laughing Gas. That's right baby, not only do you not care that they are torturing you with needles and drills in your mouth - you wouldn't care if someone put a gun to your head while doing it. Find a new dentist Dawn!!

Michelle said...

The good news? The friend comes from a family of six. Do you really think this is something new for him? :)

And your trip to the dentist... let's just say that I'm off to go brush my teeth right now so that I NEVER EVER have to have a cavity filled.

Here's hoping you're enjoying our white Christmas. Any chance your lamp is coming? Soooo much stuff I ordered (last ummm Friday) is "unanticipated weather delayed" so who knows when it will arrive other than after Christmas. But hey -- it's the thought that counts right?

Michelle said...

Oh - and the nasty weather let me escape from the in-laws a day early so we could drive home safely ;)

Lisa said...

Hi! I found a link to your blog on my friend's page. I've been reading on and off for a few weeks now, and I really must say thank you for the laughs! You crack me up!

Have a Merry Christmas!

Tracy said...

Rinse and spit? Really? I haven't seen that in an office in 20 years; and I've been to dentists all over WA and OR. Reminds me of Little Shop of Horrors...Now SPIT!!!

Julia in Sweden said...

Hi Dawn!
Saw this one today and I immediately thought of you. You have probably seen it, but just in case... http://vimeo.com/1509073
Merry christmas!

MiniHipster said...

That's great!
It's the same with me - always the dribble...

MiniHipster.com

Shellie said...

Have you ever noticed how often your life resembles a sitcom? Me too. Thanks for the laughs!

Jennilyn said...

This reminds me of one of my favorite dentist scenes. In the Pink Panther Strikes back, Inspector Clouseau is disguised as a dentist and, well, you'll see what happens: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-DhZMybeJk

Anonymous said...

Good grief that is some funny stuff...lol...I love that episode...By the way, I hate the dentist. My old one retired and this child took over his spot. Now I know when I'm old when my dentist is younger than me. What the heck.

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