Wednesday, December 31, 2008

LESSONS ON HOW NOT TO USE GOOGLE

OK, judging by my Stat Counter, there are still thousands of you who don't know how to use a search engine. But fear not, class. I'm here to give you a brief tutorial on using a search engine like Google. :::putting on my teacher's hat:::

Please, pay attention. Listen closely. Grab a pen and some paper. Take notes.

LESSON ONE: Learn how to spell
If you want to get the most out of Google, you really should have a clue how to spell. If you can't spell, USE A DICTIONARY OR SPELL CHECK, for crying out loud. Let's take a look at some examples of actual search phrases I found on my Stat Counter that contain misspelled words, shall we?

roast resipe
I'm not sure, but I'm guessing they were looking for a recipe.

mr clean magic reasures
Yes, Mr. Clean makes Magic Erasers and Mr. Clean also reassures you that it's ok if the kids colored on the wall.

wahat to do for sour feet from walking
Clearly, this person misspelled the word "what". But, I'm curious; do you really think they have sour feet? Or perhaps they have sore feet?

Now, I'm sure these people were looking for something entirely different, but their misspelled words brought them to my blog. Too bad for them.

LESSON TWO: Google is not a Magic 8 Ball. Repeat after me. "Google is not a Magic 8 Ball. It cannot give me advice. It cannot tell me what to do. It cannot solve my problems. It is a search engine. Not Magic 8 Ball. Search engine."
These are the kinds of phrases that do not belong in a Google search:

what is fun stuff that'll make me happy?
Reply hazy, try again

how to make mom say yes to picking sister up early?
Outlook not so good

should I remove the dead animal smell from my 8 year old son's backpack?
My sources say no

what do I do if I was walking around and now my feet hurt?
Concentrate and ask again

If my license is suspended when do you have till you have to retake driving test in new York?
Cannot predict now

is it a Myth pinching your nose to alleviate the stubbing your toe pain in your toe?
Signs point to yes

will slimming tea make me poop grease?
Without a doubt

My tooth is super lose and its dangling by 1 gum what do I do?
Ask again later

my son flushed a squirt gun down the toilet and now it is clogged what should i do?
LEARN TO USE GOOGLE PROPERLY!

LESSON THREE: The random statement. Google is not your diary. You do not need to type miscellaneous random sentences into the search engine for no particular purpose. Call up a friend, join a chat room or message board, or talk to your spouse and tell them your news instead. These kinds of statements do not belong in a Google search:

i love camping because there's no schedule
Oh yeah, "love" and "camping" belong in the same sentence. Not.

my daughter has little ponytails

Mine too!

talking with my mom is hilarious

Umm yeah, "hilarious". That's the word I was looking for.

i still can't hear after my ear infection

What? (BAAAA! I just crack myself up. That one never gets old!)

my 2 year old son stuck a macaroni noodle up his nose

Oh good! I thought you were going to say a fusilli noodle which would just be plain silly.

my husband didn't buy me a birthday present

It could be worse; he could've gotten you a present at the gas station on the way home from work.

my 13 year old son is moody and pouts

Your point is...?

At the age of 10, my entire fifth grade class went to a soup kitchen, a non-profit organization helping feel homeless people five days a week

Good for you!

LESSON FOUR: Another way that some people use Google is to see if they can end up in one of my Google posts. Some people think it makes them famous to wind up featured here. For example:

would you like some buttpaste mom2my6pack
No thank you. I haven't been experiencing any chafing lately.


So what I like a tooth go for because I said so dawn rocks!
I'm not sure what language this is, but ok. Ummm thanks?

Can I send you hate me because I said so
Uhhh sure? Just don't send me hate mail, please.

I forgot that wearing pants clogs because I said so
Yes, I forget that sometimes too.

Im a mean mom becuase I said juicebutts poop on bats
LOL!!! You said, "juicebutt"! LOL!

Why does bat poop lead to dawn’s blog?
Because you people keep Googling it!

Eat bat poop because I said so
I think I'll pass. I've already eaten, thank you.

Everybody have fun tonight, everybody wang chung tonight what sitcom
Aha! Busted! I caught you cheating!

LESSON FIVE: Do not use Google while under the influence. AKA: Friends don't let friends Google drunk. When you use Google after drinking heavily, your searches show up in people's Stat Counters and they WILL make fun of you. For example:

mooo-oom he’s proud of peeing on a black eye boob
I don't even want to know.

Socks on her handsglamour pills sideways
Have another drink, my friend.

Zing zing zing like a washing machine blog
with sound effects and everything

Weightwhat blog
I think you're starting to slur

Got glasses picor pics or picture or pictures –his glasses site:blogspot.com
Uh huh, I know exactly what you're talking or talk or speaking or speak about.

Imagine being in an ant farm boy with poptart breath
Seriously, drugs are bad for you, dude!

Blog I don’t know anything but here’s what I think the boy he needed to pee
profound

A letter to my sister to let her know that I still love here chair for here
You started off ok, but then just had to go and have that last glass of wine...

Baby swallowed stapler
Crap! And I thought it was bad when my baby swallowed a couple staples!

you know who i said i do she said you do i said do but i really don't because it's you that i really want.
My head is spinning.

Win thi lootery book
Uh?



This concludes today's class. Please folks, study your notes. Share your new found knowledge with other poor Google-impaired folks. Together, we can rid my blog of bat poop searches.

24 comments:

Amanda said...

you are so funny! How the heck do you find that??

MaBunny said...

Yeah, I agree spelling has gone down the toilet - i've found osme weird searches on mine too, but not as strange as some of the ones that landed on yours!

Melissa R said...

At the age of 10, my entire fifth grade class went to a soup kitchen, a non-profit organization helping feel homeless people five days a week
Good for you!

So helping "feel" homeless people is good?? lol..

Lisa said...

"This concludes today's class. Please folks, study your notes. Share your new found knowledge with other poor Google-impaired folks. Together, we can rid my blog of bat poop searches."

Good luck with that.

People google some seriously bizarre stuff. My browser has a drop down in the google search box that shows popular other searches starting with the same words as what I'm typing. Some of the suggested searches are actually rather disturbing.

Wendy said...

Okay, that's weird... Weightwhat is actually my blog... How odd!

Anonymous said...

Hi Dawn!

Happy Last Day of 2008.

Re: Zing zing zing like a washing machine blog

I SO thought the answer was "Clang clang clang went the trolley, ding ding ding went the bell."

I guess I'm no better than a magic 8 ball...

Have a blessed New Year!

Sandy in Tucson

noexcuses said...

OM goodness, I am on the floor...this is so funny! I'm going to take your advice and send it to some friends!

I'm still trying to figure out how to put captions on my pictures... one day I hope to have enough visitors to figure out how they got here.

Thanks for making my day, Dawn!!

Have a joyous, busy, hectic, fun- filled, peaceful (yeah, right!) and propserous 2009. I know you will have prosperity come Mother's Day...can't wait for the book!

Elleah said...

HA HA HA HA! I can hardly believe the things people type into google! Totally hilarious!!

Beverly said...

Another fun place is craigslist. Right now you can buy a 5-jored dresser for $50!! Don't need one? That's okay. You can get an ahmwah for $100!

Michelle said...

Interesting. I know mine aren't nearly that good... but then again, I haven't checked lately.

Happy New Years, Dawn!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you missed the feel homeless people thing. I see someone else saw it too. Proof reading prior to googling might help too!

Mags said...

So "bat poop" and "butt paste" lead the masses to your blog...? Well, at least you can rest assured that you are helping the people truly down-and-out...! ;)

On a completely separate note, I had to laugh, when at Target, I found a singing toy from Yo Gabba Gabba... which sung "There's A Party In My Tummy" and I immediately though of you (that's my all-time favorite post, personally - followed by "the difference between your first kit and your 6th on Christmas"...!)

Thanks for all of the laughs, Dawn!

:) Mags
magsgraphics.blogspot.com &
everydayplaces.blogspot.com

Rick said...

Any tips on winning the Thi lootery? Momma needs a new pair of shoes.

Patois said...

Maybe the homeless wanted to be felt?

This is fabulous. I'm starting my new year off laughing.

Dona said...

Thanks for helping me start the New Year off with a chuckle. I too love the "At the age of 10, my entire fifth grade class went to a soup kitchen, a non-profit organization helping feel homeless people five days a week" - I guess, if you can't feed them, feel them!

Anonymous said...

I'm afraid the only way to get rid of bat poop is to come up with a funnier word. Ask the kids maybe?

You know, I feel compelled to google how to get rid of bat poop now...

Oh, and happy new year!

Amber Narae said...

Dawn, you made my night...again! I'd like your permission to copy this post and share the wisdom on in a myspace blog post - letting everyone know, of course, that this wisdom and laughter was found on your blog =)

rthling said...

At the age of 10, my entire fifth grade class went to a soup kitchen, a non-profit organization helping feel homeless people five days a week

feed/feel, it's all good, right?

Glad I'm not the only one who caught that one.

Tess said...

One of these days I am going to get busted laughing out loud at work while reading your blog. The drunk ones seriously had me giggling! I love it when you share these.

Tess

PamperingBeki said...

Bahaha!!!

This is my favorite kind of blog post to do. I'm always amazed at what leads people to my blog as well. Bizarre!

Anonymous said...

I don't know what's worse. People who goolge poorly or people who don't google at all.

Livin' out loud said...

Oh my! This is my first visit and I only stopped by because I LOVE your title (Because I said so!!) Thanks for the giggles!!! (STILL laughing....)
Susan

Paula Talbert said...

I have not laughed so hard in ages; my sides hurt. This is hilarious.

Kelsie said...

I almost peed on myself reading this!!!! :D :D that is sooooo funny!!

I love how apparently, this lady's fifth grade kid goes to "feel" homeless people five times a week. I don't EVEN wanna know.

Who's Visiting My Blog Right Now?

 
Home About Dawn Blog Books News & Events Press Kit FAQS Photos Video Fun Mom's Time Out Get In Touch

Dawn Meehan 2008-. All Rights Reserved.
Site Design by Pulse Point Design