Thursday, December 4, 2008

All I Want for Christmas

Someone asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I thought that my list was too long to put in my Sunday Sound Out. It needs a post all its own. So here, without further ado, is my Christmas wish list. Feel free to send me anything on my list. Really.

Dear Santa,

10. I want my cold to go away. I'm sick of being sick. And thank you to everyone who suggested I use the neti pot, but there is no way on earth that I am going to purposely pour water up my nose thankyouverymuch. I try to avoid getting water in my nose while swimming so I'm sure not going to drown myself on purpose.

9. I thought about asking for peace on earth, but I think we can all agree that's a pretty tall order. Instead, I'm asking for peace in my house. Just one glorious day of peace, really. Just a couple hours of peace would be nice. Ok, just enough peace for me to finish this blog post.

8. I want to be a size 4. OK a 6. OK, I just want to fit my butt back into the clothes I wore before I ever got pregnant with Austin. I will accept gift cards for liposuction. I'm not above plastic surgery.

7. I want Alice. How nice would it be to have someone to cook dinner every night and to do the laundry and help fix things when your middle daughter, not wanting to look "positively goofy," refuses to wear her glasses and rides her bike into a picture.

6. I want 2 more hours in my day. Wait, that's still not enough time. I want 4, no 6, no make that 8 more hours in my day. Yes, I want an additional 8 hours of time every day. Hmmm, can the school day last an extra 8 hours too?

5. I want to be done changing diapers. I've been changing diapers for more than 14 years straight! I've had at least one, sometimes 2 and even 3, kids in diapers for more than 14 years. Enough is enough. No more diapers! Just say no to diapers!

4. I want a new set of measuring spoons because Joe keeps grinding mine up in the garbage disposal since he doesn't check to make sure nothing is in there before running it! I mean, really! Duh! He's obliterated nearly every measuring spoon (and a fair number of cake decorating tips too!) I own. And no, it is not my fault for leaving them lying around in the sink. Absolutely not.

3. A pair of Dansko or Sanita clogs in every color and pattern. Size 38 please. Thanks to my readers who got me hooked on these. I love my shoes!

2. A full 8 hours of sleep without being kicked in the butt or the face by toddler feet.

1. I'd like a do-over on my life from ages 18-22. Although if I had a do-over, I probably wouldn't be here in this same position today. Hmmm, I'd miss my kids. But if I'd never had them, then I wouldn't miss them because I wouldn't know they ever existed. But what if I had a do-over and I screwed things up even worse than I did the first time around? Then I'd be stuck and I'd have to kick myself for thinking the grass is greener. But maybe my life would be spectacularly fulfilled if I could do things over. OK, so my final answer is - I want a do-over with the option of undoing what I undid.

If that's too much for Santa to handle, then I'll just take a new manicure set because for some unknown reason, my kids have swiped every clipper, pair of scissors, file, and cuticle pusher thingy out of mine. They insist they didn't do it, so I suppose it's possible they disappeared into the mysterious "single sock" black hole, but I'm doubtful.

Thank you Santa.

Oh P.S. I'm sorry I ate the cookies the kids left out for you. But don't worry because I washed them down with a glass of wine so the milk is still here for you to drink.

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Dawn I just wanted to comment on your manicure set situation we have someone in our house by the name of NOT ME we have yet to meet NOT ME would really would like to have the honor because he or she would have some serious explaining to do with all the stuff that comes up missing, broken, eatin, or written on. So don't feel alone there and should you ever meet NOT ME please send him or her our way thanks so much. also that black hole must be very big for the socks because we sure do end up losing alot of them do to it I'ld really like to know where it is so i can go claim some of mine back instead of giving walmart so much of my money to replace them. I wonder if the dryer companies and walmart have some kind of agreement you know the dryer eats the socks and walmart makes the profit Sasha in Bridge City TX

Dawn said...

Funny you should say this, Sasha, because I have a section in my book titled Notme! LOL!

BoufMom9 said...

LOL Notme lives in my house too and boy, do I hate that kid!

Great list!
I had no idea you have been changing diapers for 14 years straight! You probably need hand mosturizer too then because baby wipes destroy skin! HOLY!

ps LOL "positively goofy"!!! Gotta love Jan!

Anonymous said...

Using a neti pot is not like getting water up your nose when swimming, it doesn't hurt.

Lucille said...

1. Awesome!
2. I don't think I could choose between Alice and those shoes!
3. Not me has a cousin. She is called I'm SOMEBODY. I wrote it about a year ago. Check it out - I think you could relate!
4. Good night - I'm up way too late again, like you!

http://whosgoingtotellyou.blogspot.com/2008/01/im-somebody.html

PS_If you need to cut the link, that is fine. I'm not sure if that is "allowed" here. I don't want to get the BOOT from ya, I know how you Chicago-area gals can be! LOL!

Feisty Irish Wench said...

I can't keep nail clippers available to me either. I had one sharp pair stashed and someone got them and used them, and they're no longer sharp. You see, Clone and I have fingernails. The male species here have talons that need industrial saws. But since we're fresh out of THOSE, my nail clippers are swiped and sacrificed. And Devildog wonders why I keep biting my nails...my teeth are sharper than the clippers he just returned to me after moons of being MIA.

Denise said...

I need an Alice too, or a clone of me, either is fine as long as they do all the housework for me. As a single mother to 6 kids its tough to get it all done sometimes. But then, maybe I'd get more done if I wasn't on the computer so much!

Rick said...

With Alice comes Sam. They're a set, but maybe having a butcher around wouldn't be so bad.

And Dawn.. would you really want to go back having made it this far already in life?

I'll stick with my first mistakes.

jennyonthespot said...

Golly, all I want is a karaoke machine and a tambourine... oh and plastic surgery, and an Alice, and more hours in my day, and my 3 y.o. to stop peeing on the floor... and...

A tropical island, can we go to a tropical island after we get lipo?

Martha said...

Wow, I'm loving those shoes! Living in FL for the past five years my shoe wardrobe has consisted of flip flops and a couple pair of crocs.... when I move back north I want some of those shoes.

My make up brushes and nail clippers disappear. On the rare occasions I get around to putting on makeup, I have to find other implements to apply, and the nail clippers.... well they have usually been borrowed (and not returned) to clip the nails of the feline or guinea pig family members.

I'm never sure who to blame our missing "stuff" on. There are only two of us, an 11 year old and me, who seems to have a case of early onset "senior moments"! I like to blame it on the dog!

14 years of diapers? God love ya!

Story of our Life said...

As for the Danskos..I love them, too!!

Have you checked Ebay?

I have seen them on Ebay and at very reasonable prices!!

:)Hugs, Gala

jane said...

I can take care of #2 for you. Brooklyn can come live with me.

On Stage said...

Love your list Dawn! My list consisted of one thing- a utility sink next to the washer. Boring, yet practical.

The Santa out in Portage, Indiana told my kids to leave him a beer and a bratwurst this year- forget the cookies and milk. Now, that's MY kind of Santa!

Irishmama said...

Dawn - Danskos Rock! Just bought my first pair, the Professional, in brown leopard pattan leather. LOVE THEM. I hope you get everything on your list!

Jkhb said...

My Mother use to keep her clippers in her purse and we were only allowed to use them in her presence and then give them right back! I think you might look into connecting them to a bungie cord!

Michelle said...

I am with you on the Dansko shoes. I haven't purchased the clogs, but after looking at those patterns, I might need to!

Anonymous said...

Hi Dawn, You never fail to make me Laugh! Thankyou so much! Kristine in Michigan.

Vicki said...

Love the list....

I must look into those shoes. Looks like every one likes them....

Merry Christmas!

Vicki W. in GA

Anonymous said...

Just to let you know, Dawn, that using a Neti pot really isn't like drowning. Trust me. I've been using mine for about a week now, having bought it over 6 months ago and resisting using it. I thought it would be painful/feel weird/or make me drown. And I have lots of drowning issues, cause it totally kicks in my claustrophobia issues. Just use warm water, table salt, and you're good to go. I haven't noticed a huge difference yet - and I have LOTS of nasal problems - but I'm sure that if I keep with it, I'll be in much better shape this winter than any in the past. Give it a try. It sounds gross, but it really does help.

Nicolette said...

Hi Dawn, when our 4th son was 2 I said I had been looking at little behinds for 10 years and my whole goal was "Diaper Free in '93". I was. We did have 2 more kids after that but never more then one in diapers at a time again. Bliss!
As for the clippers, all the bigger boys get a new pair in their stocking every Christmas from Santa - it helps. Have a wonderful peace filled day.

Coma Girl said...

Question - do you have to look up exact quotes from TV shows or movies or is it just useless knowledge you easily remember?

(I'd feel much better about knowing the movie "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" line by line if you answered that you don't have to look it up)

Patois said...

I don't think you've asked for anything totally out there.

Anonymous said...

I'm a little worried about the extra hours in the day request. Suppose you really got that one. Then you'd have that many more hours to do more of what you are already doing, because - trust me - the kids would not disappear during the extra time. They'd be right there to see how much more of them you could endure. After all, a child's purpose in life is to grow the parents up so the parents can be a good example to them. That's their job and they do it well.

Nicky S. said...

Ok. Quick Question. Where do we send all these stuff to?

Beverly said...

Instead of measuring spoons, what you need is a shot glass with the measurements on it. Available at Wally World for under $1. Bet that won't get mangled in the disposer!

Regina said...

Not to beat a dead horse, but the neti pot is a wonderful thing. No one hates getting water up their nose more than I do, but I love my neti pot. It gets a lot of gunk out! I even used to use an attachment with my Hydrofloss that was great. But my Hydrofloss died, so now I'm back to the neti pot. I thought it was gross too, when I first heard about it, but then was finally in enough pain to try it.

Anonymous said...

I love reading your blog- you are hilarious! I am facing the same thing- I am only 25 but wish I had a do-over of my career path. I picked the wrong major in college and now I am going back to school (with no income) to get my master's in a completely unrelated field than the one I have worked in for almost four years. So my question is...What is it that you would do over and why?

Angela P. said...

Hopefully Santa will bring you Alice for Christmas! I'm personally asking for a wife. I don't know about you, but the wife in THIS house works her butt to the bone cleaning and waiting on everyone else. ;) LOL Merry Christmas Dawn!

Amy said...

Dawn, you must be my mirror image, well, not really, but I think I have asked for just about everything on your list at least once. I have had a child in diapers (3 at one time a long time ago) for 15 years, asked for peace and quiet for Christmas (believe me, it just won't happen) and I can never find my tweezers, fingernail clippers, makeup or nailpolish or just about anything I need at any time...ever.

My almost 5 year old is sleeping in my be while my husband is away and who knew one small little body could take up so much space in a queen size bed!

Honestly, school should be every day of the week in my book and extra time in the day would surely help get everything done...probably not going to happen though.

If you happen to get any abundance of your wishes, please send some my way!

I hope you have a great, peaceful and blessed Christmas.

Keri Wyatt Kent said...

Dawn,
great post! It was so fun to see you this week. Hope you are feeling better. I'm with you, I'm still not convinced about the drowning pot (i mean neti pot)
And about the do-over. Oh, no, my friend. How do you think you have so much patience for your occasionally imperfect children? I've made lots of stupid life choices my own self, but I think the more dumb things we do, the less judgemental we are toward others when they mess up.
If you're having wine with cookies make sure they are chocolate and the wine is a Cab or Pinor Noir. :)

HeathSaw said...

So I like when you mention the toddler in your bed. Ours still ends up in ours every night. Hoping you get all you ask for and more!

Michelle said...

Ummmm you were a size 4? Seriously? I don't care if it was before kids; I think I hate you a little bit right now. Let's just say I never went into a juniors department. Ever. I skipped those sizes entirely.

As for that manicure set et al, any thought to a Chicago area blogger Christmas getawayfromthekidsandhavesomepeaceandquiet nice lunch?

Melissa said...

LOL! Is it ironic that while I was reading this post "I'm Getting Nuttin' For Christmas?"

I hope all of your Christmas wishes come true!

korkie said...

I'll see what I can do for you....
now that you have admitted to stealing my cookies.

love Santa

Anita Turner said...

Hi Dawn,

In response to the garbage disposal dilemma, I use a small screen that fits over the hole. It collects food particels, but also captures bigger items while still allowing the sink to drain. I found mine in a Sears hardware store, but I see them in various stores.

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