Sunday, August 12, 2007

Diet starts Monday. Again.

So I got on the scale for the first time in a month and I came to the shocking realization that I'd gained slightly less than a metric ton. I have no idea how this happened. My diet is exemplary. Today, for example, I had two cups of cream with a little coffee for flavor and a donut which was stale so I'm pretty sure it doesn't count. At church, we celebrated a birthday with cake after worship service. I think the cake was blessed and holy cake can't have that many calories. Of course I had to finish my son's slice as well. Waste not, want not. For lunch I had a peanut butter sandwich, about 70 pretzels (but they were the little skinny stick kind so they don't count) and half my weight in chocolate. The chocolate didn't even taste very good, and if you don't enjoy the food you're eating, you don't have to count those calories. I had a big, fat cheeseburger for dinner along with enough fries to keep Idaho in business, but I ate that while standing up and doing dishes because I was in a hurry to leave and play chauffeur to my daughter and everyone knows that food consumed while standing doesn't count. Plus I washed it all down with a Diet Coke which negates the calories in the cheeseburger, so really I think I should be losing weight.

On the menu for tomorrow is water for breakfast, lettuce for lunch, and a Tic Tac for dinner. Now I'm off to search for a snack. I've already looked in my fridge twice, but perhaps the food fairies have come and left something good to snack on while I was writing this. Hey, it's not Monday yet.

23 comments:

Frannie Farmer said...

I think you are my new BBFF!
Or my long lost sister ... either way I think you are a keeper!

Trish K said...

You are too funny.

I have been trying to walk off the weight here.

not doing too well, a woman pushing a stroller and smokikng a cigarette passed me like I was standing still. Guess I am walking too slow.....

Leann I Am said...

Broken cookies don't count either!!!

cardiogirl said...

I thought you were going to say in Metrics you are losing weight.

I was excited a couple of days ago at the YMCA when I stepped on the scale in the locker room. I slid the thing over to the side so it was balanced and then looked at the number.

I was thrilled for a minute until I realized I was looking at Kilograms and not POUNDS. Then I was depressed.

melanie said...

so true, i love your reasoning... it all makes so much sense now.

Daisybelle said...

As a stay at home mom as well i think it is harder to lose weight. You have to feed the kids constantly so you have to look at food all day long..if you were not hungry before you will be after making them all lunch! I stand firmly that any of the kids leftovers i eat don't count.. i can't just throw that food away...as my mum used to say " there are children starving and you can't clean your plate?" lol

Anonymous said...

I saw the posting to your Ebay on Fark.com read all of it and laughed my head off so of course I had to come to your blog, and read through all of your postings. But this by far is my favorite one. You are truly talented. And by the way if it does taste bad the calories don't count.
Erica

Anonymous said...

You are amazing!!! My new Diet Guru

Jackie said...

Have you tried those little Dove chocolate bites? They're MUCH better than the entire Dove candy bar! ;)

Jackie....on a diet mission as well

Tesajb said...

ROFL!!! Sorry I know this is a comment to a much older post but your diet plan is outstanding. When I reached the "tic tac for dinner" it was all over for me.

Too. Funny.

P.S. Some of your vintage outfits closely resembled mine. I feel your pain.

Grafted Branch @ Restoring the Years said...

Don't forget that food eaten in the pantry or laundry room where your husband can't see you, doesn't count either! ;)

Jennifer said...

I feel for you. I have yet to lose the weight from my last child. But I still love the comment my 80 year old grandmother said to me once "You'd think you'd be a lot skinnier chasing these kids around". Astonished, quickly I replied "only if I didn't take out my frustrations in chocolate, then maybe I would be". Gotta love grandmothers, they are the only ones, along with kids under 3, that can say what they want and people think it's cute.

zydecokitten said...

About those Dove bites, you can eat more of them than would equal a whole Dove bar and they don't count. Also, if you get something in a package, the whole package is one portion, that makes things much easier - I learned that from a friend of mine, we are getting fat together.

Monchinga said...

ROFL , girl! take a break once in a while , u need it , 6 kids? Holy cow , u can't torture yourself with these so called "Diets" u need to eat real food! Like your kids!

Jessica said...

LMAO, You are just hilarious! I can't help but keep reading. I laughed my way through not only your posting on eBay, but most of your blog already too. I agree with whoever suggested you write a book. I'd buy it with no second thoughts! You're priceless!

Anonymous said...

This is like finding a lost Dave Barry manuscript. I saw someone else compared you to Erma Bombeck. Either way you are so funny and a wonderful writer. So many of us appreciate your sense of humor. Can't wait to keep reading your blog!

Emily said...

Just another new fan who found you from your Ebay listing. And I can relate to this so well!

And, as an Idahoan I would like to thank you. We appreciate your business.

Neasa said...

Don't forget the free samples of food in supermarkets don't count either (and when did the kids leftover EVER count????) Also any food consumed hastily behind the locked door of a bathroom has no calories whatsoever (just disgust and guilt...)

I am STILL the Queen! said...

YOU ARE AWESOME!!!! I know you know that, big ole swelled head that you have, but I'm the kind of woman that must put in her two cents worth even if you don't care! See? I'm sarcastic too, lol!

I know for a fact that your ebay "listing" was on CafeMom.com (several places) and on the NutriSystem bulletin boards, as well as forwarded to everyone on my email list. So don't think the "hits" are going to slow down anytime soon!! You richly deserve all the good things that are happening, so enjoy it all. Get yourself a PayPal tipjar for this site (just don't ask me how because I have no clue, but I know I've seen it on other sites so it's "doable").

When you have time, check out my blog too. I post daily menus and I'm a really good cook!! I only have three kids, but I'm still insane. I'm also an Army wife, so that should prove it!!

Thank you for sharing your talents with the world - it's now just more publicly acknowledged and appreciated!!

God bless you and your family!!

Carla said...

If you wash your food down with a lot of water it doesn't count either. Flushed away!!

jodi said...

There are four basic food groups:
Chocolate
Coffee
Icecream
Everything else.
It's the last group that has all the calories, so avoid it!

Anonymous said...

If you are serious about trying to diet, check out sparkpeople.com. It may help!

AJ said...

I understand the Monday thing. All week long I tell myself I will start exercising again on Monday. Then Monday rolls around and I have too many errands and chores to do so I skip it. Then it's just not worth it to me to start in the middle of a week so I go back to telling myself I will start next Monday. My youngest is 4. Can I still blame my waist on baby fat?

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