Friday, August 31, 2007

Adventures in Grocery Shopping

I'm reprinting the auction here before Ebay takes it down.

I'm selling a bunch of Pokemon cards. Why? Because my kids sneaked them into my shopping cart while at the grocery store and I ended up buying them because I didn't notice they were there until we got home. How could I have possibly not noticed they were in my cart, you ask? Let me explain.

You haven’t lived until you’ve gone grocery shopping with six kids in tow. I would rather swim, covered in bait, through the English Channel, be a contestant on Fear Factor when they’re having pig brains for lunch, or do fourth grade math than to take my six kids to the grocery store. Because I absolutely detest grocery shopping, I tend to put it off as long as possible. There comes a time, however, when you’re peering into your fridge and thinking, ‘Hmmm, what can I make with ketchup, Italian dressing, and half an onion,’ that you decide you cannot avoid going to the grocery store any longer. Before beginning this most treacherous mission, I gather all the kids together and give them “The Lecture“.

“The Lecture“ goes like this…
MOM: “We have to go to the grocery store.”
KIDS: “Whine whine whine whine whine.“
MOM: “Hey, I don’t want to go either, but it’s either that or we’re eating cream of onion-ketchup soup and drinking Italian dressing for dinner tonight.”
KIDS: “Whine whine whine whine whine.“
MOM: “Now here are the rules: do not ask me for anything, do not poke the packages of meat in the butcher section, do not test the laws of physics and try to take out the bottom can in the pyramid shaped display, do not play baseball with oranges in the produce section, and most importantly, do not try to leave your brother at the store. Again.”

OK, the kids have been briefed. Time to go.

Once at the store, we grab not one, but two shopping carts. I wear the baby in a sling and the two little children sit in the carts while I push one cart and my oldest son pushes the other one. My oldest daughter is not allowed to push a cart. Ever. Why? Because the last time I let her push the cart, she smashed into my ankles so many times, my feet had to be amputated by the end of our shopping trip. This is not a good thing. You try running after a toddler with no feet sometime.

At this point, a woman looks at our two carts and asks me, “Are they all yours?” I answer good naturedly, “Yep!

“Oh my, you have your hands full.”

“Yes, I do, but it‘s fun!” I say smiling. I’ve heard all this before. In fact, I hear it every time I go anywhere with my brood.

We begin in the produce section where all these wonderfully, artistically arranged pyramids of fruit stand. There is something so irresistibly appealing about the apple on the bottom of the pile, that a child cannot help but try to touch it. Much like a bug to a zapper, the child is drawn to this piece of fruit. I turn around to the sounds of apples cascading down the display and onto the floor. Like Indiana Jones, there stands my son holding the all-consuming treasure that he just HAD to get and gazing at me with this dumbfounded look as if to say, “Did you see that??? Wow! I never thought that would happen!”

I give the offending child an exasperated sigh and say, “Didn’t I tell you, before we left, that I didn’t want you taking stuff from the bottom of the pile???”

“No. You said that you didn’t want us to take a can from the bottom of the pile. You didn’t say anything about apples.”

With superhuman effort, I resist the urge to send my child to the moon and instead focus on the positive - my child actually listened to me and remembered what I said!!! I make a mental note to be a little more specific the next time I give the kids The Grocery Store Lecture.

A little old man looks at all of us and says, “Are all of those your kids?”

Thinking about the apple incident, I reply, “Nope. They just started following me. I’ve never seen them before in my life.”

OK, now onto the bakery section where everything smells so good, I’m tempted to fill my cart with cookies and call it a day. Being on a perpetual diet, I try to hurry past the assortment of pies, cakes, breads, and pastries that have my children drooling. At this point the chorus of “Can we gets” begins.

“Can we get donuts?”
“No.”
“Can we get cupcakes?”
“No.”
“Can we get muffins?”
“No.”
“Can we get pie?”
“No.”

You’d think they’d catch on by this point, but no, they’re just getting started.

In the bakery, they’re giving away free samples of coffee cake and of course, my kids all take one. The toddler decides he doesn’t like it and proceeds to spit it out in my hand. (That’s what moms do. We put our hands in front of our children’s mouths so they can spit stuff into them. We’d rather carry around a handful of chewed up coffee cake, than to have the child spit it out onto the floor. I’m not sure why this is, but ask any mom and she’ll tell you the same.) Of course, there’s no garbage can around, so I continue shopping one-handed while searching for someplace to dispose of the regurgitated mess in my hand.

In the meat department, a mother with one small baby asks me, “Wow! Are all six yours?”
I answer her, “Yes, but I’m thinking of selling a couple of them.”

(Still searching for a garbage can at this point.)

Ok, after the meat department, my kids’ attention spans are spent. They’re done shopping at this point, but we aren’t even halfway through the store. This is about the time they like to start having shopping cart races. And who may I thank for teaching them this fun pastime? My seventh “child”, also known as my husband. While I’m picking out loaves of bread, the kids are running down the aisle behind the carts in an effort to get us kicked out of the store. I put to stop to that just as my son is about to crash head on into a giant cardboard cut-out of a Keebler elf stacked with packages of cookies.

Ah! Yes! I find a small trash can by the coffee machine in the cereal aisle and finally dump out the squishy contents of my hand. After standing in the cereal aisle for an hour and a half while the kids perused the various cereals, comparing the marshmallow and cheap, plastic toy content of each box, I broke down and let them each pick out a box. At any given time, we have twenty open boxes of cereal in my house.

As this is going on, my toddler is playing Houdini and maneuvering his little body out of the seat belt in an attempt to stand up in the cart. I’m amazed the kid made it to his second birthday without suffering a brain damaging head injury. In between trying to flip himself out of the cart, he sucks on the metal bars of the shopping cart. Mmmm, can you say “influenza”?

The shopping trip continues much like this. I break up fights between the kids now and then and stoop down to pick up items that the toddler has flung out of the cart. I desperately try to get everything on my list without adding too many other goodies to the carts.

Somehow I manage to complete my shopping in under four hours and head for the check-outs where my kids start in on a chorus of, “Can we have candy?” What evil minded person decided it would be a good idea to put a display of candy in the check-out lanes, right at a child’s eye level? Obviously someone who has never been shopping with children.

As I unload the carts, I notice many extra items that my kids have sneaked in the carts unbeknownst to me. I remove a box of Twinkies, a package of cupcakes, a bag of candy, and a can of cat food (we don’t even have a cat!). I somehow missed the box of Pokemon cards however and ended up purchasing them unbeknownst to me. As I pay for my purchases, the clerk looks at me, indicates my kids, and asks, “Are they all yours?”

Frustrated, exhausted from my trip, sick to my stomach from writing out a check for $289.53, dreading unloading all the groceries and putting them away and tired of hearing that question, I look at the clerk and answer her in my most sarcastic voice, “No. They’re not mine. I just go around the neighborhood gathering up kids to take to the grocery store because it’s so much more fun that way.”

So, up for auction is an opened (they ripped open the box on the way home from the store) package of Pokemon cards. There are 44 cards total. They're in perfect condition, as I took them away from the kiddos as soon as we got home from the store. Many of them say "Energy". I tried carrying them around with me, but they didn't work. I definitely didn't have any more energy than usual. One of them is shiny. There are a few creature-like things on many of them. One is called Pupitar. Hee hee hee Pupitar! (Oh no! My kids' sense of humor is rubbing off on me!) Anyway, I don't think there's anything special about any of these cards, but I'm very much not an authority on Pokemon cards. I just know that I'm not letting my kids keep these as a reward for their sneakiness.

Shipping is FREE on this item. Insurance is optional, but once I drop the package at the post office, it is no longer my responsibility. For example, if my son decides to pour a bottle of glue into the envelope, or my daughter spills a glass of juice on the package, that’s my responsibility and I will fully refund your money. If, however, I take the envelope to the post office and a disgruntled mail carrier sets fire to it, a pack of wild dogs rip into it, or a mail sorting machine shreds it, it’s out of my hands, so you may want to add insurance. I will leave feedback for you as soon as I’ve received your payment. I will be happy to combine shipping on multiple items won within three days. This comes from a smoke-free, pet-free, child-filled home. Please ask me any questions before placing your bid. Happy bidding! :)

112 comments:

Jessica in WI said...

amazing writing! You totally make my day!

Just C said...

This one is great it explains alot about my mom not taking all 6 of us shopping at one time usually only 2 or 3. I don't ever remember all 8 family members in a store at one time until our trip from Pa. to Wa. and 4 of us were teenagers.

Suffering from CLS, "Crazy Lady Syndrome" said...

You inspired me and while you were typing up this, I created a blog. My brothers are always telling me to write. You are a gifted writer and you make me laugh. That is a great gift. Money cannot buy laughter. So Thank-you for using your talent to bless our life as well as your family's.

tAnYeTTa said...

be sure to copyright this too! i loved reading this! :)

Sine said...

My god!! This still makes me giggle out loudly!! LOL

You´re SO cool.. Love your tales from the real life. :)

Kind regards from Sine - Denmark

Scotia said...

Thanks for putting this on your blog. I noticed the newspaper article which ran the story with the listing had actually been 'edited'. I have really enjoyed your blog and look forward to reading it on a regular basis.
Scotia (Canberra, Australia)

Bubblegum109 said...

Found this from another blogger, and I had a good giggle! Keep up the good work with 6 kids, deserve a medal xxx

~Velda said...

Dawn that was fantastic! And I so have many of those vivid pictures in my own life as a mom to 4! lol

Gwen said...

As a veteran user of the sneak-tactics employed by your lovely angels (!), I had to send this link to my poor, much-put-upon mother in hopes that she would have fond memories of some similar shopping trips. She's gotten quite a chuckle out of your blog!

Alexandria said...

I always get a kick out of this. Thanks for reposting it before Ebay finally takes it down!!

tales_from_the_crib said...

still hilarious...

imkay said...

oh i have it posted on my blog too! if you ever loose your's (holy cow that would be awful but i've know it to happen) i have a copy safe. b/c i'm not boring enough, i have to steal other peoples good stuff to put on my blog.

so thank you!

Melissa said...

That was the best Ebay item description I have ever read! and I thought it was hard to shop with my three boys - I'll remember you the next time I start to complain - lol!
Love your blog :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you! I wanted some friends to read you ebay page and couldn't find it anymore.

As a Mom to an almost 3 year old and twins that are 14 months, I also dread the grocery store. Nothing is better for dinner than frozen peas, powdered potatoes and a can of refried beans instead of braving the grocery store. My poor husband.

Take care and thank you for adding humor to my day.

Misty

Stephanie said...

Like everyone else I just love your writing, and I'm so glad your auction brought you to my (and 549,262 other people's!) attention. Your down to earth, funny attitude is refreshing and appreciated!

Now I gotta ask if the rumour is true, did 'the baseball that started it all' really sell for over $1000??

If so, major congratz! Hope you bought something for yourself, preferably already sewn! lol :D

Cindy said...

Just had to write- someone forwarded your eBay page to me and I laughed and laughed. Well, it also brought back a lot of memories. I also have six kids and remember all to vividly the shopping excursions and what not. Mine are now 14, 15, 18, 19, 19 and 20. Wish I could tell you it gets better, but it only gets different! Now, well let's just say that bed checks are different! Keep writing, it will keep you sane and I SO wish that I had recorded all of the things that had happened to me over the years!

Jen Schrock said...

Thanks for making my day with a good laugh!

New Reader in Colorado said...

I just have to add another grocerystore saga. Several years ago a petite pregnant mother with two daughters ages 3.5 and 1.5 (but they were tiny for their ages and looked younger) was approached by a disapproving woman in the produce department, and asked, don't you know what birth control is for? Stung, she replied sweetly, by the way, I'm having twins....Big surprise, she actually had TRIPLET boys!!! can you imagine, FIVE kids FOUR and younger. Reading your adventures brings it all back, and I'm still laughing.

Glad to be enjoying this vicariously, a new fan in Colorado

ArcticAngel said...

thanks for putting it on your blog. now everytime i need a laugh i can just come visit, read your blog and be happy. also it's good preparation for taking my 4 to the store. we have to go today to get birthday decorations...*sigh* that'll be fun

twila said...

Loved your auction. I also loved the fact that those cards so for as high as they did. I will now be reading your blog daily.
twila

Reedcat said...

I'm laughing and crying!!!!
Indeed, you are a woman from steel.

Alycia said...

You are hilarious! I love your writing, and Oh my what adventures you have. I have 3 boys ( easy compared to 6) and still get some of those questions - you have great responses!!

You should write a book!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for reposting this. I'd been afraid I wouldn't find it again! It was the bright spot in my day. It's been nice "meeting" you on your blog.

Pam

Laurie Gagne said...

Thank you so much for making my day. My life has been alot less stressful knowing I'm not the only one. I was thinking of you yesterday as I shopped with my 2 children. 8 and 3. They are always sweet angels when we go to the store anticipating that treat of Airheads when we finally pass through the checkout. NOT YESTERDAY. They were horrible. I just thought to myself that if you can do it with 6, I can make it through with the 2. I walked 2 feet away from the cart to pick up snacks for their lunchboxes and that's when my 3 year old stood on the side of the carriage to put something in and the whole thing fell down on top of him. Adrenaline. I ran over and heaved the heavy thing off of him, checked him out, kissed his legs and he walked away without a dent. The store was freaking packed and not a soul was in that aisle. I can't believe it. They didn't get their Airheads but they did get an earful of how a mom can take 6 kids into a store and not get as stressed as I was with 2. They cleaned their room when they got home without me asking. Thank you.

Erin said...

I read this when your cards were still up for bidding and I thought it was the funniest thing I'd ever read. Even though I only have three kids (ages 5, 3 1/2, and 2 1/2) I can totally relate to the grocery store experience. Just yesterday I went shopping with only the boys (the youngest two) and I had a pack of Activa yogurt (the kind that makes you poop) in my cart at the checkout. I thought of you...

Erin

Bob said...

I relate to everything you wrote. I and my wife are parenting seven children and another one who turned eighteen this week. We have the exact same number of open cereal boxes as you, and we get asked all the same questions.

Momto2princes said...

Hilarious! You are a very talented writer and I have enjoyed reading your blog. Keep it up!

kristi brooke said...

i have had many friends talk about this and then finally someone emailed it to me and i thought it was so great!
Your writing is truly a gift!

Therese said...

loved loved loved your eBay listing. I lol so much that my dh had a look. We have 7 children and we use to get all these kinds of comments when we lived in the city but now that we are country folk people don't seem to ask us so much. They all know that the children are all ours.

Anonymous said...

This ebay link and text is still getting passed around !

Hilarious ! I'm probably the nth person to tell you that you should write for comedy movies. :)

Your blog is fantastic - I'll keep coming back !

xx

Chris (Cannes, France)

Anonymous said...

On Aug-21-07 at 13:37:48 PDT, seller added the following information:

14,000 hits!!! Who would've thought? I just wanted to take a minute and say "thank you" to all the people who have taken the time to write me a comment! I certainly appreciate it! It sure is a nice treat waking up to a full box of compliments! I'm trying to answer each comment, but they're honestly coming in faster than I can type!

Many of you have asked if I have a blog. I do. It's mom2my6pack.blogspot.com

Many of you have suggested I write a book. I think I may just have to give that a try. If it ever comes to fruition, I'll post about it on my blog.

And $40.00??? What are you guys nuts? There's nothing special about these cards. Are you bidding on them thinking I'll be a famous author someday? :::laughing like a crazy lady over that one::: I'll give writing a shot, but from what I hear it isn't easy to get a book published. I probably have a better chance of losing ten pounds (and that ain't likely to happen!)

Anyway, again I want to say thank you for reading and passing this on. You've all just made my week! :)

On Aug-21-07 at 14:07:29 PDT, seller added the following information:

Oh yes - I forgot (big surprise there!) to say that apparently I can only post 101 comments. There are a lot of witty, interesting comments I'd like to put out there for everyone to read, but Ebay won't let me. :(

On Aug-21-07 at 23:03:41 PDT, seller added the following information:

I've had several people ask me how many watchers this auction has. As of 1:00am, it has 865.

Dr. Bob said...

I remember when my daughter was about three. She had been giving some woman furtive looks as I pushed her around the dairy section. Finally she spoke.

"Mom!" She whispered in her toddler stage whisper, "Mom! That lady doesn't have any kids!" She paused and asked in bewilderment, "Wnat does she do all day?"

trina said...

Your posting on e-bay was the funniest thing I have read in forever. I am a Mom of 7. My oldest is 12, then 11, 2 7's, 6, 5 and my youngest is 4. We get asked the same questions and I have totally the same grocery store woes as you do. I like the one you said about selling off a couple of them. I'll have to remember that one. It was so nice to hear someone else is like us. Everyone I know only has 1 or 2 or maybe if they're bold 3. They just totally don't get it. I have people say to me all the time that it must be "easier" because they play together and I don't have to entertain them. I just smile and think to myself they have no idea. They don't have to cook for 9, do laundry for 9, shop for 9, fill out school paperwork for 9, they just have no clue. I am going to put your blog in my favorites now. Thanks for taking the time to write it because I know how busy you are.

Richard said...

This is an essay that Dave Barry, Carl Hiassen, the late Lewis Grizzard, heck even Mark Twain would love. It's beyond hilarious. The fact that it was produced for an eBay auction is even better. I'm a creative writing teacher and my students will read this essay tomorrow. I'll use it for several different lessons, but the first will be just how damn funny one person can actually be in an everyday situation. They will take profound inspiration from your writing. And yes, I'll be sure to give you proper credit.

Thanks for taking the time!

Elisabeth said...

Hi there.
My friend just sent me your story.... I also have 6 kids, and so can relate all too well to just about all aspects of your story. Hang in there... the kids Do grow up, eventually (my oldest is 22 now, followed by 21, 20, 17...you get the picture!) At some point I found it just easier all around to either have my hubby babysit while I did the shopping, or sometimes I even hired a sitter! If I had to take them with, my rule was they could choose one item each... so the entire trip was spent with them pre-occupied with switching their chosen booty, but at least that occupied them and the financial damage was limited.It is amazing how young a child can understand this concept once enforced a few times!But seriously...they really do grow up, and then they are great friends with each other and their parents,it seems even. Unfortunately,they still cost a fortune in all sorts of unexpected ways,but that is just one of the things they didn't tell us in parenthood school.And yes,I agree with you... overall, it's fun:)

Anonymous said...

I got your message from email that you had on ebay. How funny. I can relate but in the past. I used to take 5 kids to the grocery with me. 2 buggies, baby or toddler in each,etc. One day at the check out a woman looked at me disgustedly & ask if they were all mine & when I indicated they were, she made some comment about did I know about birth control!! Didn't know it was her concern but wished I would have been clever like you & had a funny comeback. My oldest is now 40 so like the mother above, they do indeed grow up!!

testblog said...

I am crying from laughing. Your shopping trip from hell is so....RIGHT ON THE MONEY. Six kids shopping is a nightmare but your instructions and getting run into by your oldest daughter HAS HAPPENED TO ME. My oldest daughter threw a sippy cup at the butcher and I thought we were going to get sued. It's groundhog day, listening to your shopping trip. You are hillarious.

testblog said...

Hi from white trash mom blog. Can't sign in today for some reason. This post made me CRY from LAUGHTER. It's groundhog day----reading about your trip to the store AND your husband as the extra child. My husband taught the girls how to do luggage cart races, so when we go to a hotel, the first thing they do is race. Too funny.

Ruth said...

Your ebay listing was just sent to me in an e-mail. It is hysterical! You made my day. LOL!! Congrats on the big pay-off, too. You've gained a following AND added money to your account. Not bad!! I'm so glad you posted your blog link.

Blessings to you and your future shopping trips. =o)

Ruth said...

Upon further reading in your blog, I discovered that your friend won your pok-e-mon cards and you aren't going to cash her check. LOL! I think that's great. What a friend you both are.

I'm thoroughly enjoying your blog!!

Georgia said...

That was the BEST ebay listing EVER.

Thank you for making me giggle till I cried.

~Georgia

Becky said...

OMG! Your SUPERMOM!!!

Dennis said...

At the risk of possibly duplicating someone else's choices, at elast you didn't name one of the kids Tuscaloosa or Talahassee or Leadville (at 10K feet above sea level, the highest incorporated city in the us) or any of 100's of other cities whose names would scar a child for life!

*grin*

Alissa said...

If it makes you feel any better, there are 2 of us in my house, me and my roommate. At any given time we have between 6 and 10 open boxes of cereal. What can I say...it's good stuff...for breakfast, dinner, and at 2 a.m.

Anonymous said...

Dawn,

This is hilarious - but you know that already :-) What you might not know is that your text was translated to Russian and posted at one of the major russian humor sites so you are internationally famous now :-) The power of internet is amazing :-)

V.

Shari Franklin said...

I do not think I have laughed this hard in my entire life! Right now my family, which consists of 5 kids and the big kid husband, is listening to me laugh hysterically from the other room, thinking, I am sure, that Mommy has totally lost her mind...if they only knew! Anyway...thanks for all the great laughs! You are in good company!

Janet said...

So I'm curious how much did you make??

Trish said...

This is a classic! Made my day! I will be back to visit your blog often!

The Insane Writer said...

I found your blog through your ebay ad. That was great. Thank You for the laugh. I agree with everyone else, you should write a book. I am posting the link to the ebay ad as well as a link to your blog on my blog.

-Joy
The Insane Writer

healthymomof2 said...

I just started reading your blog after readin gthe grocery shopping/pokemon post on ebay. Oh yo uhad me laughing so hard. I have a friend with 6 boys and you and she is always telling me stories like yours.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with all of us.

sue said...

This is a flashback for me. Shopping with my four children... then getting home and finding 10 packages of buttons. Buttons? What? I made the offending child take them back and apologize... she was 6. She still remembers it, as do I. Crazy life, isn't it?

Honey said...

Your house so totally sounds like mine and I only have 3 boys. LOL. It is so nice to know that I am not alone. Honey

my3texasboys said...

I love it. Keep up the wonderful stories.

Anonymous said...

My mom only had four, but so did our best friends, mostly younger, but all taller than any of us... Mom used to take five or six of us shopping at once to give their parents some free time, and we'd get the scornful comments from idiotic zpg fanatics. Mom's most frequent reply was, "I'm a teacher, and if you saw some of the morons who breed children these days, you might be trying to repopulate the gene pool with intellectuals, too."

-xanga.com/Daa_of_Night

MW said...

That was a great Ebay post. No wonder the cards sold for more than $100.

dana c said...

A friend of mine sent me the link to your auction and I gotta tell ya, that was the funniest thing I've read all year, mostly because I can relate to it so painfully. I have four boys (I got my uterus sewn shut after the 4th) and I've bought more than my fair share of extras because one of my children tried to sneak it past me. My favorite was the disposable douche my three year old chucked into the cart while I was looking for razorblades. I didn't notice until we got to the checkout stand, and by then I was too embarassed to say anything. So I bought it. I mean, what can you say to your 3 year old? "Sweetie, does mommy have that 'not so fresh' feeling again?"

Anyway, thanks for the laugh...

SarahM said...

I cannot tell you what a blessing your ebay auction and now blog have been. I have been struggling with depression recently and really needed the "laughter is the best" type of medicine. I don't have any kids, but I have been around enough to appreciate the humor not only in how you tell these great stories, but the actual events that "inspire" them. Anyway, thanks for the laughter. Bless you for being a great Mom--in my opinion, it's one of the most important careers there is! : )

SarahM said...

P.S. You are an amazing writer and "real life" humor like this is what everyone can relate to (i.e., in publisher terms, "wide audience"). Thanks again for the smiles ; 0p

Anonymous said...

I have just found your blog from reading this auction on ebay that was fwded to me on email. It is absolutely hilarious! I have since read most of your blogs and you make me laugh sooooo much. You have a great talent there. Keep up the awesome writing.

Deb said...

I couldn't leave without commenting. I come from a family of 6 kids. We've all grown up and we all have an average of 3 kids each. That's 18 grandkids. I got lucky and had to retreat back to my parents home (with my 3 daughters in tow) when the father of my kids and I parted ways. Very often (and that's putting it mildly), my sisters and brothers would drop their kids off to my parents' (and my) place for babysitting. That's 18 kids all under the age of 10! I've tried attending Sunday mass with just half of them and I have to admit, that's probably the best place to get asked if, "They're all yours????!!" Because it sure is difficult to think evil thoughts about that person with a sermon going on in the background and with statues of Mary & Jesus looking solemnly down on you. Bless them all!

Blayney Angel said...

I need a box of tissues Because I am laughing so much!! I have just read your Pokemon ebay listing (Joke: How do you get Pikachu onto a stick? Just Poke-him-on!! Ha, Ha!) and loved it! That's how I got your blogspot.
I have two children, aged 7 and 4 years. My mum is one of 18 and my Dad is one of 5. My sister has four children. So you could say I have a very long Christmas card list!
I try not to take my two shopping, actually I try not to take them out in Public! Before you curse me as a unfair, slack mother, let me explain why.
My 4 year old son has Asthma, and has stopped breathing once. When he takes Ventolin, he becomes a bit, umm, dare I say FERAL!! I know it saves his life, and for that I am forever greatful. However, I much prefer him to "Look Mum, I'm BUZZ Lightyear" as he flies off the kitchen table then off the shelves of the supermarket.
At least in the privacy of your home when you say things like- 'If you hurt yourself, I'm not taking you to the Doctor' you don't get the weird looks.
I congratulate you for the tremendous effort you make every day for the sake of your children.
I'd like to leave you with a final thought- A clean house is a sign of a dull life. Thank heavens, it can never be said that I have a Dull life!!
Thanks for the laugh, and good luck in all of your daily adventures.
Kimberley, Australia.

glo said...

I hav eno idea how you even have the time to write like this but I guess when you already have an awesome writing talent then perhaps for you it is a stress relief just to get it all down at the end of a day, or do you do this at the beginning of a new day. Either way I loved the ebay story and will be reading the BLOG.

Hey if you got any spare time for Birdwatching LOL I know where you can find some great Bald eagle Cams .

Of course so far this morning I have spent my time enjoying you and your writing not watching cams. Have an awesome day. Mine has gotten off to an awesome start.

7up said...

Are you sure this is your story, and not mine? I have 7 children and shopping is like that for me as well. I'm lucky now, my oldest is 14 so I can leave him in charge of the others, so I don't have to take the kids to the store, once in a great while I have to take them.
And of course everytime that question is asked, I want to pull my hair out, its like fingernails on the chalk board, drives me crazy.
Here's a question, why would we want to take that many kids to the store unless we have too?
My husband tells people we went to Rent-A-Kid, so we could have a different experience while shopping!
My mother tells me to write a book also, Oh the stories we can tell.
Thanks for sharing your story, hope you know your not alone on your shopping fun!!!
7up

Suburban Kamikaze said...

You've inspired me. I am going to list my entire family on Ebay.
Product description at
www.suburbankamikaze.typepad.com

Cheers!
SK

Anonymous said...

Your tale of shopping is hilarious! It doesn't matter if there is one or 6 children, every parent that has ever taken their child shopping can relate to this. IF you ever want to get away for a little R&R w/ ur hubby I live on South Padre Island, Texas. On the border, by the sea...(mexican border that is) I WILL DEF. hook u up. Take care.
Monique

Beverley said...

I was forwarded your eBay listing and found your blog from there. Too funny!

My cousin has 5 kids and my sister-in-law has 4 and is expecting twins... so now I have a bit of an idea of what they're going through!

dccdmom said...

I took my 5 kids, 10 and under, to the grocery store today and only had ONE person ask me if I'd read your auction. I don't think you've had quite enough exposure around here.

TSjbnk@AOL.com said...

Hello,

Just wanted to say a friend mailed me your listing and I just finished reading it! I swear it was like reading my own thoughts! I have 7 kids and COMPLETELY comprehend what you are saying! I am often heard saying that I would rather starve than take all 7 to the store with me! I used to host a chat on the old "Thrive" site called parenting large families! I always enjoy talking to someone who can relate to my life. All of my friends have 1 or 2 kiddos and they are stressed out! PLEASE! HA HA! Good luck selling your "surprise" cards ;)

Billie said...

Oh, Ebay still has it. I mean, you can link to it if you have the item number even though the auction has ended. That's just what I did. Got an e-mail from a friend that went something like: You have to read this! and then a link. I clicked, and like everyone else laughed my head off! (My 3 and 4 year olds tried to put it back on for me, but I think it's still crooked. Oh well. You'll understand.) Then, I forwarded it to every mom I know. Had a few e-mails in my inbox this morning that read: "Just what I needed today! Thank you!" Anyway, here I am at your blog, thanks to your expired e-bay listing to read more of your kids' hilarious antics --and see what I have to look forward to! Our 6 children are 4, 3, 1, and 3 more twinkles in my husband's eye. Really, I'm trying to put the twinkles in my eye, too, and I think I'm getting there... just not for a few years. My body needs a break! I hear they're putting experimental uteruses in men in China, though...

Carey from Washington State said...

Thank you for sharing your life and family with everyone. You are a joy to read. I wish you the best in life. I can't immagine some of the things you write about. I used to think my life was full with 3 very busy and active boys.

catie said...

Someone sent me a link to your ebay listing--Thanks! I've been giggling for 20 minutes. We've all been there (although some of us to a much smaller extent)!

Cat High said...

OH boy! A good friend of mine sent me the link to your ebay post!
Your shopping experience sounds way too familiar to my life before my divorce.
Except I have 4 kids not 6 ......

I do have 1 question ...... do you ever find yourself swapping free babysitting with friends just to get a night out alone with the Hubby?

I remember having to do that a lot and on one special occasion, I ended up with my 4 plus my friends 5 and because another friend went into labor early, I ended up with 3 more at the house, giving me a grand total of 12 kids between the ages of 1 and 11 stuck in the house on this particular Saturday Night. ........ All because I needed a babysitter so my husband & I could go out for our anniversary ......

Anyway I love your blog and writing style ....... you really should get published ....... it's not that tough get the newest edition of the book "Writer's Guide to Book Editors, Publishers, and Literary Agents" it gives a directory of publishers and explains what format to use, and how to submit your work. I have a few published friends & they reccomend this book to help get started.

Take Care, Cat
klingoncat@hotmail.com

Arioch said...

Now it was even translated to Russian !
http://www.anekdot.ru/id.html?306213

Really grat story! thanks and good luck!

Amber said...

"With superhuman effort, I resist the urge to send my child to the moon and instead focus on the positive - my child actually listened to me and remembered what I said!!!"

You had me in tears!!! that was SO funny!!!! Maybe not at the time, but it made for a great post--yes no?!

0:) Amber

Anonymous said...

Here it is Oct. 5th and eBay still hasn't taken it down!

A fan in Tulsa, OK

Lesley said...

A million kudos to you! I have 4 wonderful (pronounced: exhausting) children ages 15, 13, 9 & 14 months. Trips to the store should be easy with two teenagers, but for some reason only God himself knows, they are worse than the little ones. I, too, have to give a lecture that always ends with "We know", but seems to have fallen out of their heads once we actually arrive at the store.
I plan ways to avoid having to take my children with me like waiting until my husband comes home at midnight and the children are sleeping and I drive 30 minutes to the Super Walmart. The greatest part about this is that other people who have children are at home, so I don't have to hear their children, reminding me of my precious angels that I have callously abandoned for a peaceful trip grocery shopping.
I got your blog page from a myspace friend and today is the first time I have seen it, but I wanted to say that I will be back because you laugh at your life, but the love is there as well. Keep up the good work!

writtenwyrdd said...

I found this blog after getting a link to your Ebay ad for the Pokemon cards. Hilarious!

I hope you continue to write, you are hilarious.

lubie73@aol.com said...

Hahaha..... I have not worn backless shoes to the grocery store with my son since he's been old enough to walk! Motorcycle boots do the trick quite nicely. I recently had my (!!!!) 4 year old boy in the grocery store and ran into a co-worker. Daniel was running up and down the aisles and being VERY borderline (not QUITE naughty but right near that edge...) when my co-worker, who has a three-year-old, said "Thank GOD, I thought it was just me!" NOPE...... Under a lot of stress, one day around that time I found myself bursting into tears in the middle of the shampoo aisle as I was so tired from working and keeping up with ONE preschooler. Daniel WAS being troublesome this time. Several folks smiled and shook their heads at me, one woman who just thought he was "adorable" patted me and said "Enjoy him, they don't stay little for long." Having been released from the Witness Protection Program (what my friends called my job, since it pretty much consumed me), I AM a lot freer to enjoy him, and am taking full advantage of it.

I have found trying to keep him busy helps a lot in the grocery store. Daniel is in charge of the pharmacy transactions. I write our script numbers on a piece of paper and Daniel runs up, greets the clerk, gives them our names and dates of birth and address, and proceeds with a conversation about what bedtime reading he's had lately. (The pharmacy clerks think I am a deaf mute, since Daniel does all the talking.) This is the "good" part of the trip, every time. If the pharmacy is busy, the clerks will brag about my son's reading ability to every single person in line behind him. Daniel is also known for singling folks out for what we call the "secret smile attack", where he gives someone who is otherwise completely not aware of anything but his/her shopping a big ol' smile and a "HI". Now that I am not working so hard any more, I give a lot more big smiles too, but I don't have the big chocolate kiss eyes with thick velvet fringe my little guy has.

Congrats on having such joy in your life, and finding the energy to share it through your writing!

varitek33 said...

My employer sent me a copy of this way back when you had it posted on ebay. I laughed so hard I just about peed my pants. Anyway, I had a really bad day today and was in desperate need of a laugh. I remembered that I had saved this, pulled it up, and laughed hysterically all over again. Thanks for lifting my spirits.

Joan of Ark said...

Your "overnight" success at writing is an inspiration and just think- with 6 kids you'll never run of stuff to write about and now you can hire a babysitter for trips to the store.

Also did you know if you dress the baby in tie on shoes you can pop 'em in the cart and tie the laces together so they can't climb or fall out :) Have a great day and look forward to coming back soon.

Lucille said...

I had to come back and comment. See truth be told I've been what's know as a LURKER for months now. My friend called me about your e-bay listing when it was on and I fell in LOVE with you instantly. I felt like I knew you - I did grow up in Illinois so it is possible. Nah I would have remembered YOU. Ha, ha.

Anyway I was told the other day that someone who reads a blog and laughs at their desks is know as a LURKER. You must actually post in order to make the blogger feel loved. You can't feel my hug from here? :)

I felt I needed to return to the scene of the crime. It was HERE that I first read your stuff and bookmarked your site. I've sent it to tons of people and well I guess you know the rest - you are living it. NO I am not responsible for your success - that isn't what I meant. I just meant that I sent it to 5 people and they did too and Poof - here were are now!

Dawn, I hope you can step out of this and SEE what you have created. You are such a gem. You are loved. You make people smile and WANT to get up in the morning and LOG on. It is sometimes disappointing to log on and find you haven't had time to write yet. (Imagine that - NO TIME to write - lol! )

You are an inspiration. You were givin such a gift - not just your writing but those wonderful kids. Enjoy them and your much deserved success.

From me aka the lurker!

Anonymous said...

You have surely put a smile on my face. I shared this with a few friends today. Your story had me hysterical. That sounds just like my many shopping experiences. I hate it for that reason too. I usually feel like I am the only one in the supermarket who literally wants to grab frozen dinners and call it a day.
I actually wonder how I get any shopping done. I am so busy asking the children not to touch etc..that I forget what I need. A grocery list is great, but try finding a pen when you need it(you know to cross out the things you already put in the cart). How about trying on clothes in a dressing room. My children have crawled under the room I was in into the next person's room. One time my son jumped up into the display window. Oh yea and the time my son hid under a rack of clothes and the whole rack fell. It feels so good to know that there are other moms also who are blessed enough to experience the joys of motherhood in this manner. Thank you for making me laugh!

sama said...

i've laughed until i cried! this has been the funniest thing i have ever read, and - yes - it IS groundhog day! i remember those times so well....my daughter is only now discovering them too!

llawdnus said...

I loved this story. I have four boys, so I can relate. I used to shop every Saturday at 11 PM, just to avoid taking any kids. I'm linking to this in my blog, I only get traffic from my family, but I've got to share where I can...Thank for the laugh and cry!

Amanda - Owner of www.justrightcandles.com said...

OMG, i bet every mother can realate. Love your story telling skills. lol

mos said...

LOL. I can completely relate a mom of 3 and 3 myself. same questions are asked, about the kids, and from the kids, i give the same answers, at least u have ur husband to help, mine is in another country working and i attend school along with being an active member of the pto, i'll pray for ur sanity.

Sherry said...

That is just to awesome... I also saw this on your ebay auction. However a friend from http://faith-sisters.blogspot.com/

Awesome!!

Sherry said...

Ok, I just left a comment... but I don't see it, did I do something wrong?? Anyways... LOVE your ebay item's description & OMG, you got over $140 for those cards??? What did you buy for yourself??

pianodork said...

what a form of birth control! simply hilarious!

Anonymous said...

I just read this on ebay today. I definitely relate I too have six. In fact my ebay ID is Maeven6. LOL Good luck and enjoy them.

abrace06 said...

Hahaha My good mate sent me the link to your Pokemon cards on Ebay saying it was a good read and a good laugh. He was'nt wrong! Its on stumleupon and everything haha. Hope your guys had a wicked Xmas :) Tc Bracey

Marine_Wife said...

I'm 23 with two kids. I want at least 5 but I'm hoping to talk my hubby into 12. Seeing as how he's a Marine and often training or deployed, I often have to play the role as single mom. (sidenote: All single parents out there amaze me. You are so strong and wonderful to do this one your own. Kudos to you all!) So, if I get my wish, I'm sure I will have many experiences such as yours. I just hope that will handle it with the sense of humor you have and not strangle my kids. You rock!

BMORBLONDER said...

Man,I thought that I had it rough! I have 3 children but 2 fulltime.
2 Girls 1 is 3 the other is 21 months. And I never thought that taking a shower was a luxury till now.I could not help but to wander,how in the heck does she take a shower?Man,I have to say next time I clean my living room for the 5th time for the day I will think of you.Or the next time I go shopping at how lucky I am to have a husband that will stay home with the kids so I can take a mini vacation to the grocery store.Kudos to you!
P.S. Would love to add this to my web site for everyone to get a kick!

Aly said...

Oh, wow! Read this a while ago and it hit so close to home. You are hilarious. But you forgot the part about one (or more) kids having to go potty while you are at the far corner of the store. With my luck, my 3 year old will have to pee - right then - so i take her. Then it's usually about 10 minutes later (when i am really losing my mind) when she has to poo-poo. That's also about the time my other 3 kids are playing frisbee with a pack of paper plates. Either that or hanging on the side of the cart until it tips over (yes, that HAS happened - luckily no one was hurt). Anyway, i totally get your humor and think you are awesome. Plus i am adding you to my new blog. All moms need to read your stuff.

By the way, Pupitar is now a running joke between my husband and me. We are mid-thirties and still suckers for potty-humor. By the way, did you ever write a book?

NeverAlone said...

Very cute!
When my son was about three, we were at Albertsons with the dirtiest cart in existence. Just to provoke me, he licked the side of the cart. I told him I hoped he would be sick the next day--and sure enough, he woke up with a fever. God is good! He hasn't done that since. He has lived to be almost 10--so far (actually, he's somewhat improved). Probably immune to almost everything.

imbeingheldhostage said...

I commented on the original ebay listing, and just did a search hoping I could find you in a blog-- and here you are! I'm curious how many comments "Ask Seller a Question"s you actually ended up with....

lauraannette said...

I read this when ED Dale used it in his 30 Day challenge as an example of excellent copy. I had tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard! I only have 2 boys, 15 and 8, but some of the things you talk about I can totally identify with. I have often wondered how my youngest has lived this long. With as many times has he has banged his head around there must be stuff rattlin' around in there. I'm now a subscriber.

Kathy said...

Your kids poke the meat in the butcher's dept. too ??? I thought my kids were the only ones who did that.
I only have four kids and I can't imagine going grocery shopping with them. You are a brave woman to attempt it. :c)
Love your blog by the way !

Nod said...

Oh yeah, stories like this never get old. I have a big family and I come from a big family. It all rings true. This is why I get to do the shopping at 11 pm. http://blynken.blogspot.com/2007/12/grocery-olympics.html

SherryTex said...

Excellent! I can so relate to this that after six and similar incidents, I have taken to shopping only after all 8 of my sentient and non sentient children go to bed.

Nice work Mom.

I USED to allow each child an item with veto power by me allowed if they 1) misbehaved 2)escaped 3) destroyed property 4) made me wish I had escaped 5) ate something not yet purchased 6) threw up or 7) had an accident or 8) picked an item cost prohibitive or just plain so unhealthy I couldn't in good concious agree to it...chocolate frosted marshmallow bit cereal straws with chocolate marshmallow cereal for example.

I had to stop because of the number of addendums and due to children colluding to get their favorite items collectively leading to aproximately 1/4 the budget being alloted to food that while strictly speaking consumable, was for all adult purposes, unpalatable. Nice Blog. I'll be back. We moms of more than four who get those questions every day...we have to stick together.

jerryma said...

there are four kids here...i help when i can and so keep them at home...they are 8,9 11, and 12. this was a great post...gotta remember to not ask , "are they ALL yours??" so much...

terahreu said...

This is exactly why I have hired someone else to do my grocery shopping. It took me moving to Nepal to make it happen, but it was TOTALLY worth it.

Thanks for the laugh.

Oakley Sunglasses said...

I loved this story... Thanks for posting the blog..

nandy said...

I really like this thank you

Kimberly said...

I laughed so hard. I only have one whos almost 3 and that basically sounds like my grocery shopping. Minus the shopping cart races and the multiple questions.

Thank you!

website design nyc said...

nice post

send groceries to philippines said...

Great adventures on grocery shopping, laughing out loud in here.

Jason Zenteno

The Crazy Mom said...

Hi Dawn! I just was telling some e-pals about your post as they have all been writing shopping trips from hell posts themselves. Glad I could still find it!

I'd love it if you'd check out my blog some time. I have 8 and blog as The Crazy Mom. We have a LOT in common! LOL

Anonymous said...

I just got back from a trip to the store with my own little ones where I had to dislodge a screaming child's head from a stair railing, prevent my preschooler from darting out of the bathroom completely naked to flee from the scary auto flush potty and then thinking I could finally go home only to realize we had lost a shoe somewhere in the store. My friend sent me a link to your blog post and it made my day--thanks!

Penny Auction Online said...

OMG just ROFL. Still unable to control laughing. Total impressive way to write.

Kristen said...

I just go around the neighborhood gathering up kids to take to the grocery store because it’s so much more fun that way.”

summerflower890 said...

I have 7 kids and i feel for you because i go through the same stuff when they go to the grocery store.or any where else.I told someone once ya they are all my kids and i am going to have twins in about 6 months.We love our kids but never a dull moment.hats off to you.i hope this does not offend you.

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