But They're the Best, Jerry! The BEST!

I went out shopping this evening because I decided I didn't have anything to wear on my trip to New Jersey (except for my new maternity shirt, of course.) I went by myself because if you need to try on clothes, you just don't want to bring kids with you. Anyway, I found a pair of pants that fit! That in itself is a miracle since I'm pear shaped and they just don't make pear shaped clothes. I'm also short, so unless I wear my tall shoes (and I do whenever I'm with Austin and Savannah because they're as tall as I am now!) my pants will drag on the ground. The pants I just bought have legs that roll up and button on the sides. For most people this would mean instant capris. For me it means that they fit like normal pants.

After my huge score in the pants department, I decided I was starved as I've just had 3 pieces of toast in the last 48 hours. It's not that I'm still so sick, but after throwing up (which is the worst thing on earth!) I'm just scared to death to eat. I figure the less I put in, the less that will come out should I suddenly feel the need to hurl again. So, anyway, I was really hungry while shopping so I stopped at the food court, walked up to Frulatti, and ordered a chicken salad sandwich with a side of fresh fruit. Instead of sitting there in the food court looking like a pathetic dork eating by myself, I decided to take my dinner to the nail salon and get a pedicure.

OK, I sit down, dip my feet in the water, sit back and relax in the comfy massage chair. If you've never gotten a pedicure, I highly recommend it. I usually go with my friend, Jen maybe 3-4 times a year. It's wonderfully relaxing and pampering. So, anyway, I'm sitting there soaking my tootsies as I open up the container with my sandwich. The Frulatti girl apparently didn't understand the whole concept of a "side" of fruit as she plopped my sandwich right on TOP of the fruit. Ewww! The only thing more disgusting than a soggy sandwich is throwing up. And my honey-wheat bread soaked in watermelon juice looked just like that! So because I didn't want to look like a dork eating by myself in the food court, there I sat getting my feet done while trying to hang onto a soggy chicken salad sandwich that was falling apart and plopping into the container. I am SO classy.

I gave up on the sandwich and leaned back, enjoying my back massage. I have GOT to get me one of those chairs. The woman giving me the pedicure looked over at her friend and said something in Vietnamese. I'm pretty sure she said, "Check out this woman's feet! Ewww! Have you ever seen drier heels? Disgusting. And her nails are awful!"
Then her friend answered, "Oh I know! Very gross! But did you see the way she was eating that sandwich. I got nauseous watching her."

I had visions of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine is convinced the nail technicians are talking about her.

I finished my enthralling evening with a trip to the grocery store because we were down to onions, chicken broth, and waffles at home, and I couldn't leave my family with nothing to eat while I'm gone. God only knows what Joe would cook for dinner with that list of ingredients!

After Thanksgiving

This is what we got Thanksgiving day. Snow! The kids dug out their mittens and snow pants so they could play outside in the 1/8 inch of snow. LOL! We went to my inlaws for dinner. The turkey wasn't alive when we got there, nor did they cook it on the car's engine. Everything was delicious and we had a nice time. (None of my inlaws touched my cheesecake!) :) Hee hee



Since I promised, way back in July, to show you pictures of my inlaws' garage, here you go...

This is ummm, I don't know. I think it's part of the outside of a car. Don't ask me what kind
of car. It's an old car.

This is another section of the garage. Note the shiny blue car up in the air.





Here is yet another section of the garage. Here are a million and one car building tools. And a TV. I think there may be a fridge, bed, and toilet around the corner too.

Shiny blue car. That's as technical as I get.



I was all set to hit the stores Friday morning, but when my alarm went off at 4:00, I thought to myself, "What, are you INSANE?!!! Do you really want to get up now and battle the crowds?" I answered myself with a big, "HECK NO!" and promptly fell back asleep.

I did brave the traffic to go out yesterday afternoon however. I met a couple friends for lunch. I only get to see my friend, Julie a couple times a year so it was great to see her and her husband Ron. And I haven't seen my friend Heather in several years, so it was wonderful to visit with her and meet her new husband Christian.

Ok, now I have to make fun of Ron a little bit. You had to know this was coming, Ron. ;)

So, Julie and I were talking about taking care of the kids and juggling all the chores that need to be done on a regular basis. Ron made a comment to the effect that stay at home moms don't really work. We "get" to stay home all day. It isn't really work. You know, since we lie around eating bonbons and watching Oprah all day.

He went on to say, not two minutes later, "And then I get home from work and she (Julie) expects me to watch the kids. After I've been working all day, she wants me to do more work watching the kids."

Wait a minute, Ron. I thought it wasn't work watching the kids. Oh, I think I understand. When Julie watches the kids, while paying bills, going to the store, cleaning, and doing laundry, it isn't work. When you come home and have to play with the kids while she makes dinner, it's work. I see. Yep. That sounds about right. :D

Need some good ideas for Christmas gifts? Check out Mamaslike for unique presents!

33 More Shopping Days Until Christmas

Mmmmmm, mmmmm good. I'm sitting here feeling like I'm going to throw up because I just had to take a second helping tonight. (I'll have pictures and more about Thanksgiving tomorrow.) After dinner, I spread out dozens of flyers and planned my strategy for hitting all the sales tomorrow. Actually, I'm only planning on hitting one or two stores in the morning. I bet about half of you think I'm insane for even considering going out into the crowds to get a deal. You're right. It takes a good dose of insanity to battle all the lines and crowds and craziness. Yet there's something fun and exciting about those after-Thanksgiving sales. The years I've gone in the past were filled with a kind of excitement. The people I encountered were friendly. Christmas music pumped through the store's speakers. I walked through the crowds of people juggling winter coats and packages while I sipped eggnog flavored coffee and thought about the upcoming festivities - decorating the tree, wrapping presents, having people over for dinner, baking Christmas cookies with my kids. I have good memories of this time.

Last year I sent my husband on the black Friday mission. He did not fare so well. There were awful traffic and parking problems. He ran into people who were greedy for the last toy. They were so anxious to get down the aisle that they didn't care about plowing their carts into other shoppers. He stood in long lines only to discover the item he was looking for was sold out after waiting an hour to get to the front. He came home empty handed after hours of frustration. He will definitely not be going again. I think I'm going to finish my shopping from catalogs.

'Tis the season for catalogs. Lots and lots of catalogs. I get about a dozen catalogs a day this time of year. I hadn't had time to look at them, but I just couldn't bring myself to recycle them either, so I'd been piling them up, fully convinced I'd get to them "eventually". When the stack of books hit my ceiling last night, I finally took the time to look through them. While perusing the holiday gift giving offerings in these books, I marveled at the many items that were actually for sale. I contemplated the kind of person who invented said items. I wondered how a company could think, "This is a great idea! Let's market it." I tried to envision the kind of person who would buy such items. And then I ran to my computer to compile, for you, my devoted readers, a top ten list of gifts you don't want to give (or receive) this holiday season.
10. Aqua Friends Bath thermometer - This handy gadget warns you with a flashing light when the bath is too warm. It's a good thing we have this marvelous invention now. How ever did generations of parents manage to bathe their children without scalding them before this nifty thermometer came along? Oh yeah, we put our hands in the water to make sure it wasn't too hot!



9. Butthead Game - What could be more fun than strapping on a velcro covered hat with a buddy and throwing balls at each other's head? I think the name says it all. And check out that kid's expression! This is what will happen to you after having balls thrown at your head for an hour.

8. Dog Doo Candle - It's a candle that looks like a pile of dog poop. Nothing warms your home on a rainy day like the smell of a dog poop candle flickering in the evening. Ahhhh home sweet home.

7. Foam Party Machine - You pour baby shampoo in and this machine spits foam out all over your house. It's almost as much fun as a broken washing machine loaded with an entire bottle of detergent! For those times when your kids don't make a big enough mess on their own, help them out with the Foam Party Machine. "Makes oceans of foam... use it indoors or out."
6. Airheads - It's a propeller that you lick and stick to your head. Its blades spin in the breeze. Why, you ask? I have no idea, but it's on sale and for only $3.48 you can look like an idiot.




5. Bug Listener - It's a microphone so you can listen in on bug's conversations. What do you suppose bugs say to each other? "OK, everyone understand the plan? We're marching into the house tonight and taking everything in the pantry with us. No prisoners! Ready ants? Go!" Or maybe, "Hey Mosquito Fred! How's it going? Have you tried the little red head's blood? It's De-Lish!"


4 1/2. Twirling Spaghetti Fork - It's a motorized fork that spins around. This is the perfect gift for the pasta lover on your list who is also too lazy to move his fork! Maybe next year they'll invent a fork that actually moves to your mouth by itself too.

4. Slingshot Flying Chicken - It's a slingshot! It's a chicken! It's both! What could be more fun than a flying chicken? I can't think of anything! Fling a chicken across the house, into the yard, or at innocent passersby! Fun for the whole family!


3. Farting Salt and Pepper - That's right. Salt and Pepper shakers that make farting sounds when you use them. Nothing says, "please pass the beans" like the sound of flatulance.

2. The Mathematics Calendar 2008 - There's a math problem to be solved every day in this calendar. For the love of God, WHY?!

1. The Mangroomer - It's a do-it-yourself, electric back-hair shaver. Need I say more?

Adventures in Grocery Shopping

I'm reprinting the auction here before Ebay takes it down.

I'm selling a bunch of Pokemon cards. Why? Because my kids sneaked them into my shopping cart while at the grocery store and I ended up buying them because I didn't notice they were there until we got home. How could I have possibly not noticed they were in my cart, you ask? Let me explain.

You haven’t lived until you’ve gone grocery shopping with six kids in tow. I would rather swim, covered in bait, through the English Channel, be a contestant on Fear Factor when they’re having pig brains for lunch, or do fourth grade math than to take my six kids to the grocery store. Because I absolutely detest grocery shopping, I tend to put it off as long as possible. There comes a time, however, when you’re peering into your fridge and thinking, ‘Hmmm, what can I make with ketchup, Italian dressing, and half an onion,’ that you decide you cannot avoid going to the grocery store any longer. Before beginning this most treacherous mission, I gather all the kids together and give them “The Lecture“.

“The Lecture“ goes like this…
MOM: “We have to go to the grocery store.”
KIDS: “Whine whine whine whine whine.“
MOM: “Hey, I don’t want to go either, but it’s either that or we’re eating cream of onion-ketchup soup and drinking Italian dressing for dinner tonight.”
KIDS: “Whine whine whine whine whine.“
MOM: “Now here are the rules: do not ask me for anything, do not poke the packages of meat in the butcher section, do not test the laws of physics and try to take out the bottom can in the pyramid shaped display, do not play baseball with oranges in the produce section, and most importantly, do not try to leave your brother at the store. Again.”

OK, the kids have been briefed. Time to go.

Once at the store, we grab not one, but two shopping carts. I wear the baby in a sling and the two little children sit in the carts while I push one cart and my oldest son pushes the other one. My oldest daughter is not allowed to push a cart. Ever. Why? Because the last time I let her push the cart, she smashed into my ankles so many times, my feet had to be amputated by the end of our shopping trip. This is not a good thing. You try running after a toddler with no feet sometime.

At this point, a woman looks at our two carts and asks me, “Are they all yours?” I answer good naturedly, “Yep!

“Oh my, you have your hands full.”

“Yes, I do, but it‘s fun!” I say smiling. I’ve heard all this before. In fact, I hear it every time I go anywhere with my brood.

We begin in the produce section where all these wonderfully, artistically arranged pyramids of fruit stand. There is something so irresistibly appealing about the apple on the bottom of the pile, that a child cannot help but try to touch it. Much like a bug to a zapper, the child is drawn to this piece of fruit. I turn around to the sounds of apples cascading down the display and onto the floor. Like Indiana Jones, there stands my son holding the all-consuming treasure that he just HAD to get and gazing at me with this dumbfounded look as if to say, “Did you see that??? Wow! I never thought that would happen!”

I give the offending child an exasperated sigh and say, “Didn’t I tell you, before we left, that I didn’t want you taking stuff from the bottom of the pile???”

“No. You said that you didn’t want us to take a can from the bottom of the pile. You didn’t say anything about apples.”

With superhuman effort, I resist the urge to send my child to the moon and instead focus on the positive - my child actually listened to me and remembered what I said!!! I make a mental note to be a little more specific the next time I give the kids The Grocery Store Lecture.

A little old man looks at all of us and says, “Are all of those your kids?”

Thinking about the apple incident, I reply, “Nope. They just started following me. I’ve never seen them before in my life.”

OK, now onto the bakery section where everything smells so good, I’m tempted to fill my cart with cookies and call it a day. Being on a perpetual diet, I try to hurry past the assortment of pies, cakes, breads, and pastries that have my children drooling. At this point the chorus of “Can we gets” begins.

“Can we get donuts?”
“No.”
“Can we get cupcakes?”
“No.”
“Can we get muffins?”
“No.”
“Can we get pie?”
“No.”

You’d think they’d catch on by this point, but no, they’re just getting started.

In the bakery, they’re giving away free samples of coffee cake and of course, my kids all take one. The toddler decides he doesn’t like it and proceeds to spit it out in my hand. (That’s what moms do. We put our hands in front of our children’s mouths so they can spit stuff into them. We’d rather carry around a handful of chewed up coffee cake, than to have the child spit it out onto the floor. I’m not sure why this is, but ask any mom and she’ll tell you the same.) Of course, there’s no garbage can around, so I continue shopping one-handed while searching for someplace to dispose of the regurgitated mess in my hand.

In the meat department, a mother with one small baby asks me, “Wow! Are all six yours?”
I answer her, “Yes, but I’m thinking of selling a couple of them.”

(Still searching for a garbage can at this point.)

Ok, after the meat department, my kids’ attention spans are spent. They’re done shopping at this point, but we aren’t even halfway through the store. This is about the time they like to start having shopping cart races. And who may I thank for teaching them this fun pastime? My seventh “child”, also known as my husband. While I’m picking out loaves of bread, the kids are running down the aisle behind the carts in an effort to get us kicked out of the store. I put to stop to that just as my son is about to crash head on into a giant cardboard cut-out of a Keebler elf stacked with packages of cookies.

Ah! Yes! I find a small trash can by the coffee machine in the cereal aisle and finally dump out the squishy contents of my hand. After standing in the cereal aisle for an hour and a half while the kids perused the various cereals, comparing the marshmallow and cheap, plastic toy content of each box, I broke down and let them each pick out a box. At any given time, we have twenty open boxes of cereal in my house.

As this is going on, my toddler is playing Houdini and maneuvering his little body out of the seat belt in an attempt to stand up in the cart. I’m amazed the kid made it to his second birthday without suffering a brain damaging head injury. In between trying to flip himself out of the cart, he sucks on the metal bars of the shopping cart. Mmmm, can you say “influenza”?

The shopping trip continues much like this. I break up fights between the kids now and then and stoop down to pick up items that the toddler has flung out of the cart. I desperately try to get everything on my list without adding too many other goodies to the carts.

Somehow I manage to complete my shopping in under four hours and head for the check-outs where my kids start in on a chorus of, “Can we have candy?” What evil minded person decided it would be a good idea to put a display of candy in the check-out lanes, right at a child’s eye level? Obviously someone who has never been shopping with children.

As I unload the carts, I notice many extra items that my kids have sneaked in the carts unbeknownst to me. I remove a box of Twinkies, a package of cupcakes, a bag of candy, and a can of cat food (we don’t even have a cat!). I somehow missed the box of Pokemon cards however and ended up purchasing them unbeknownst to me. As I pay for my purchases, the clerk looks at me, indicates my kids, and asks, “Are they all yours?”

Frustrated, exhausted from my trip, sick to my stomach from writing out a check for $289.53, dreading unloading all the groceries and putting them away and tired of hearing that question, I look at the clerk and answer her in my most sarcastic voice, “No. They’re not mine. I just go around the neighborhood gathering up kids to take to the grocery store because it’s so much more fun that way.”

So, up for auction is an opened (they ripped open the box on the way home from the store) package of Pokemon cards. There are 44 cards total. They're in perfect condition, as I took them away from the kiddos as soon as we got home from the store. Many of them say "Energy". I tried carrying them around with me, but they didn't work. I definitely didn't have any more energy than usual. One of them is shiny. There are a few creature-like things on many of them. One is called Pupitar. Hee hee hee Pupitar! (Oh no! My kids' sense of humor is rubbing off on me!) Anyway, I don't think there's anything special about any of these cards, but I'm very much not an authority on Pokemon cards. I just know that I'm not letting my kids keep these as a reward for their sneakiness.

Shipping is FREE on this item. Insurance is optional, but once I drop the package at the post office, it is no longer my responsibility. For example, if my son decides to pour a bottle of glue into the envelope, or my daughter spills a glass of juice on the package, that’s my responsibility and I will fully refund your money. If, however, I take the envelope to the post office and a disgruntled mail carrier sets fire to it, a pack of wild dogs rip into it, or a mail sorting machine shreds it, it’s out of my hands, so you may want to add insurance. I will leave feedback for you as soon as I’ve received your payment. I will be happy to combine shipping on multiple items won within three days. This comes from a smoke-free, pet-free, child-filled home. Please ask me any questions before placing your bid. Happy bidding! :)

Twenty-one More Days! (not that I'm counting)

I went to Target yesterday to buy some diapers and somehow managed to ring up a $100 bill by the time I left. Target does that to me. I go in to buy one thing, but manage to leave with two dozen things that, despite the fact that they weren't on my list, I decided I needed.

So I'm walking up and down the aisles of "Carget", as my 3 year old calls it, and I behold the most glorious sight! The store filled with doves, a choir of angels sang and a light from Heaven shone down illuminating the display of ::::drumroll:::: BACK TO SCHOOL SUPPLIES! Yes, it's almost that most wonderful time of the year and it can't come soon enough. I ran into a teacher friend of mine while at the store and she asked me if I was ready for school. I glanced at my baby trying to stand up in the cart, my 3 year old old running down the aisle laughing like he just broke out of an insane asylum, my 6 year old telling me that she'd somehow broken her glasses again, my 8 year old interrupting me to ask if I'd buy him some baseball cards, my 11 year old chasing my 3 year old in an effort to get him to stop and my 12 year old hitting my 8 year old for no apparent reason. "What do you think?!" I retorted.

She told me that she was definitely not ready for school to begin. Ahhh, there's the difference between parents and teachers. I'm a huge proponent of year round school. The kids attend school the same number of days, but those days are more spread out during the year. The advantage is that the kids' brains don't turn to pudding during the long summer break, teachers don't have to spend the first two months of school reviewing all the things that were sucked out of the kids' memories during the summer, parents and students get more frequent, much needed breaks throughout the year. And although the kids still have a nice summer vacation, they're back in school before the "I'm bored"s set in.

My mother-in-law, who works at a food pantry, called to see if she could borrow my two oldest kids to help her with some volunteer work tomorrow. "I'll pick them up at 8:00 and bring them back around 4:00. Is that ok?"

"Is it ok? Is it ok??? Hell yes! Take 'em for the whole day! Take 'em for two days! In fact, I'll throw in the other four kids as well! No charge!"

I'm looking forward to a little peace tomorrow. And I'm looking forward to a lot of peace in twenty-one days. Oh wait! It's after midnight! Woo Hoo!!! Twenty days!