Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Just How Much Pineapple Did You Feed the Baby?

I'm not a morning person. In fact, I've never been a morning person. I used to drive my mother insane each and every morning when I was a kid. My mom was and still is a morning person. You know the type - they jump out of bed happily humming along with the birds, they make their bed, shower, dress, cook breakfast, read the paper, discover life on another planet, and invent a car that runs on mud all before 5:00am. This is my mom. I, on the other hand, am the kind of person that hits the snooze button on the alarm clock fifty-three times before throwing the clock against the wall, pulling the covers up around my head, and falling back asleep.

I can stay up until 3:00 in the morning without blinking an eye, but when 7:00 am rolls around, I still play the snooze alarm game on a daily basis. My children, however, are small versions of my mother who delight in waking me up by running through the house, shrieking the blood curdling screams of a bad actor in a horror movie about to be slashed by an ax wielding madman. It's a great way to start the day with an ulcer.

After a particularly bad week of the kids waking up super early and being super crazy in the morning, they surprised me. On Saturday morning, I slept until 9:00! That's unheard of in my house. NINE O'CLOCK! Know how I awoke this particular Saturday morning at 9:00? I awoke to my two oldest children bringing me breakfast in bed. I was certain that either

A. I was in the Twilight Zone and those were not my children, but cyborgs programmed to cook or

B. I was on Candid Camera

They came in my room carrying a cookie sheet which they used as a tray. On the cookie sheet, was a stack of pancakes with syrup, a plate of toast with jelly, and a glass of orange juice. Wow! After being reassured that the two kids bringing me my breakfast were indeed my children and not aliens who'd taken over their bodies, I took a bite of the pancakes only to discover that they weren't actually pancakes. I'm not certain what they were, but they were definitely not pancakes. First, they were black, and I'm pretty sure I've never seen pancakes quite this shade of black at IHOP. Secondly, I remembered that we were out of eggs. How did they make pancakes without eggs? Lastly, what were they doing using the stove? I mentally thank God that they didn't hurt themselves or burn down the house while flipping flapjacks, then I choked down every last bite of that breakfast because that's what moms do. We appreciate all the little things our kids do for us from the burnt, chewy pancake breakfasts to the homemade Mother's Day cards, to the mud pies and dandelion bouquets. I know that all too soon, these days will be gone.

Oh yeah - where were the other four children while my oldest two were playing Emeril in the kitchen? Well, three of them were watching a movie. And the baby was sitting in her high chair eating the breakfast that my two oldest prepared for her. It was a breakfast of pineapple. Yep, that's it. Just pineapple. A whole big can of pineapple. It was so thoughtful of my oldest kids to try and help out and give the baby breakfast like that, that I just didn't have the heart to tell them that they had given the baby enough citric acid to last a year and a half. The baby's poor little butt burst into flames every time she pooped for the next two days. I don't think I've ever used so much diaper cream in my life. Still, it was a wonderful gesture on my kids' part. So wonderful, in fact, that I hardly noticed the pancake batter splattered all over the stove and the orange juice spilled on the floor and the jelly on the counter tops and the bread sitting on the counter drying out in the open bag. Hardly.


Deluxe said...

Possibly THE funniest thing I've ever read. Oh jesus i couldnt stop laughing.

Anonymous said...

Oh it hurts..I've been reading your blog all evening after I put the kids to bed..My husband and I have sat here and read your blog backwards ofcourse but oh the humor...I don't think I've laughed so much in so long thank you so much .I adore your writing and your ability to handle 6 kiddos altho they all sound like amazing wonderful kids ~uber hugs~ and please keep up the awesome blogging!! I commented a few blog posts back :-) I think I will subacribe to this blog just to keep up with yours :-) I enjoy reading it so much! you are truly amazing and a hero to a lil ol mom like me with only 3 and a half kids(my 3 and half year old son my 15 month old daughter my 35 yr old hubby and my bun in the oven again my blog name on cafemom.com is Willow_Whisp and my Msn is Bridget_Kitty_McCellan@otmail.com also my yahoo if you have yahoo mesenger is da_sexy_witch I would love to keep in touch with you seem like an awesome person and great mom!!
~Andi~ (short for Andrea)

Norkio said...

Ah, the poor little baby! Not for the horrible diaper rash, but for me laughing until I cried at her predicament. My coworkers think I am laughing at them, but right at this moment I am not. Thanks for the laughs!

M said...

The baby's poor little butt burst into flames every time she pooped for the next two days.

This might very well be THE funniest thing I have read in a long, long time.

Bookmarking your blog, it's the best.

SarahDragon said...

i am now officially unable to read any more of your blog... i cannot see through the tears that are streaming down my face or manage to unbend my back which has permanently curled forward in excess of mirth.

you are a very talented writer; you phrase the events of life as a mother so artfully and engagingly that i haven't encountered such talent more than 3 or 4 times in my life.

thank you for brightening my dreary days as i struggle to be a good mother to my multiple toddlers while at the same time endeavor to write a book.

i can't wait to read your next posting! or your forthcoming book, for that matter : )

Anonymous said...

You sound like me :).... I am so not a morning person either. The snooze button...who invented that?It is amazing how quickly you memorize where the button is. I use my mobile as my alarm, why, 'cause I can press 'snooze' then hide it under the pillow with my finger on the button, then as soon as it starts to vibrate, the button is pushed. Yes I do it in my sleep, many times I have woken up and then paniced... as it has been an hour since the alarm first went off, why didnt it wake me?? It was set for 7, now the kids will be late for school again.... and where are they? Watching tv of course.
I must say I was wiping my tears away with this entry, your kids doing that for you was so sweet, and getting the youngest one breakfast, beautiful. My 12yr old rarely gets his sister breakfast, actually he rarely gets it himself. As for thinking of someone else other than himself and doing something special for me, well all I can say is thank goodness for Mother's Day.

Rick said...

"The baby's poor little butt burst into flames every time she pooped for the next two days."

VERY funny - I did an LOL - while still sitting in the airport wait for my plane.

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