It's Not Going to Change Itself

May I take a moment to pitch a fit? Of course I can. It's my blog!
This is what I found in the bathroom today. This was not the first time. In fact, I find this same scene at least once a week.


Who here can tell me what's wrong with this picture? Anyone? Anyone? My kids couldn't come up with the answer.


To illustrate my point, I took the cardboard tube from the holder and held it up for my kids to see a little more clearly. Still, they looked at me completely confused. "What?" they innocently asked. "What's wrong?"

"Ummm do you see how much toilet paper is left on here? Could you wipe your butt with this?"

They shuffled their feet and looked down and muttered that they could probably use that much to wipe.

"Not very convincing, guys. See, when the roll has less toilet paper than it would take to wipe a Barbie doll's butt, it's time to replace the roll. I know, I know, it sounds scary. It sounds hard. It sounds like a really technical job. But with a little practice, I'm sure you guys could do this. In fact, you may even become so proficient at it that you could go on to teach your dad how to do it!"
I continued, "All you have to do is reach a mere 2 feet over, grab a spare roll of toilet paper, and slide it on the spindle. Ta da! You kids don't know how easy you have it! When I was a kid, we had to completely remove the spindle and it was SPRING LOADED! We had to push the two ends in and hope to God that the spring didn't snap and launch the whole darn spindle across the bathroom! All you kids have to do is slide the empty roll off and slide the new roll on!"

OK, I'm done with my tirade. For the moment anyway.

A few of you guys wrote to say that you couldn't find your marker on the map and you were wondering if your package had gotten lost in the mail. We got your packages and you're actually on the map. When you click on the map to view it close-up, look to the left of the map where the list of everyone's city is. Scroll down to the bottom of that and you'll see that there are 2 pages. Click on page 2. Everyone who sent an inquiry yesterday is on there. I guess the map only holds so many on each page. Sorry about the confusion and thank you again for sending us all the information and pictures! :)

Oh, and for those asking for the address again, it's...
Dawn Meehan
PO Box 66274
Chicago, IL 60666

Oh and of course Jackson and Austin threw up this morning. You know - because I wrote that everyone was doing well last night. And my stomach feels as if I've taken a double dose of Alli. As long as Clay and Lexi stay healthy this week. On Thursday, Clay's having his second set of tubes put in his ears and Lexi's getting her third set. Their ears haven't been clear since October. The poor kids are constantly saying, "What?" and they both failed their hearing tests.

What on Earth IS Uniqua?

Thank you all for your well wishes and prayers! You guys are so great! You know how you're always thanking me for making you laugh or making you feel better? Well, it works the other way around too! You guys always make me feel so much better! :) We're all on the mend here. No more fevers and no one has thrown up since (knocking REALLY hard on wood) two nights ago. Last night I dreamt that I was pregnant. I must have been delirious with fever. Savannah came home from school today with a project for her health class. She's to keep track of all the bad words (stupid, idiot, shut up, buttmunch) she hears this weekend. After being home for all of two hours, her notebook was full. I'm so proud.

Because Austin was puking and fevery yesterday, he stayed home from school today. So Austin lay there on the couch watching cartoons with his little brother and sister. Austin is the kind of kid who cannot watch cartoons without pointing out all the little idiosyncrasies he sees.

"Why doesn't Little Bear wear clothes? His parents wear clothes. Why does he run around naked all day?"

"Austin, it's a show about talking animals. A little girls hangs out in the forest with an assortment of talking wildlife and that's ok, but the fact that Little Bear doesn't wear clothes bothers you?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"How can Spongebob go to the beach when he's already under water?"

"So the whole talking sponge, starfish, crab, and squid are ok? A squirrel who somehow built a dome under water and lives in the ocean is ok, but the fact that Spongebob goes to the beach under water is absurd?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Where are Max and Ruby's parents? Why aren't they ever on the show?"

"For real? The whole 'talking bunnies who can take a bus to the store by themselves' is fine and dandy, but the fact that their parents are never shown is troubling to you?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What on earth is Uniqua?!?!?!"

"OK. ya got me there. I have no idea what she's supposed to be! What on earth IS Uniqua?!"

For more laughs, read:
Into the Tunnel of Darkness: My Colonoscopy

Adventures in Grocery Shopping

How I Stopped the Cockroach that Nearly Ate my Face Off

Not for the Weak of Stomach

Yes, I know I haven't written in a couple days, but I have a good excuse. I'm dying of the flu. Ugh, fever, back hurts so much, headache, yuckness. Yesterday I slept until 10:00am, got up and then went right back to bed at 12:00. I slept until 5:00, had a piece of toast and some tea and then went back to bed at 8:00. Thank God Joe was able to stay home from work or the kids probably would've burned the house down because I couldn't move. That's actually the good part.

Yesterday morning, Clay threw up on the couch. This is the same couch that the kids broke this summer. I knew there was a reason I hadn't replaced it. Thankfully I was sleeping and Joe got to deal with that.

Then, after lunch yesterday, the school called to say that Austin was in the nurse's office with a migraine. He gets these now and then and nothing but Advil and sleep in a dark room will make them go away. Joe picked him up from school and before he was able to drive the 3 blocks home, Austin puked all over himself and Joe's truck. Delightful. It's not uncommon for Austin to throw up when he has a bad headache so we thought that's all that was. Notsomuch. He continued to get sick from both ends all night. That's still not the bad part, however.

Last night, Clay and Brooklyn fell asleep in bed with me. I was awakened around midnight to the sound of water running. Or so I thought. My foggy sleep-induced brain thought, "I hear water. I think it's water. Wait. I'm in bed. It can't be water. Oh no! Brooklyn's throwing up! I reached over in the dark to see if I could feel where Brooklyn was sleeping. My hand hit a pool of vomit. I came to my senses real quickly then! I realized that it wasn't Brooklyn, but Clay, who was throwing up. ON Brooklyn! Nothing says brotherly love like a giant puddle of barf all over you! If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I don't do barf, so naturally I freaked out, ran out of the room and called to my husband who had fallen asleep in Clay's bed.
Joe entered our bedroom to see Brooklyn lying on the bed covered in Clay's mess and just crying. The poor thing! Clay wasn't doing so hot either.

I would have left and gone to a hotel room right then and there if it wasn't for the fact that I had a fever and felt like crap. Instead I gave the kids a bath and can proudly say that I didn't throw up myself while doing it even though I gagged a dozen times and had to leave the bathroom twice. Joe had the nasty task of taking apart our bed and rinsing stuff out and washing it. In fact, he spent today getting his car detailed (I keep envisioning the B.B.O. Seinfeld episode and I fear his car will never smell the same). He also had to remove the pillow top on our bed and take it to a laundromat to try and get it clean. After 2 hours, it's still not dry. Maybe sometime next week it'll be dry.

This is all after Lexi and Clay had the flu last week - fevers, aches, colds.

Ugh, as I was writing this, I just got a call from the school. Looks like Jackson is the next victim. Sending Joe to pick him up... and perhaps some orange juice, and maybe some crackers, and a big vat of Lysol....

On the bright side (because there's always a bright side, right?) thank God this didn't hit me until after my speaking engagement at Fremd High School and after I finished my revisions and handed my manuscript to my editor!

I'm Sick

I'm sick. I have no idea why. I take the utmost care of myself. I mean, it's not like I'm staying up until 3:00 am every day, just trying to plow through my overflowing box of email. It's not like I've all but abandoned Weight Watchers for the less healthy, but more popular Dunkin' Donuts Diet. And I'm sure I've never taken my bare hand to wipe a snotty toddler nose because there was no tissue in sight.

Why do we moms have such a hard time taking care of ourselves? Is it because we're just so busy taking care of everyone else that we're simply too tired when it comes to us? I keep meaning to make an appointment with my OB/GYN, but I keep putting it off. There's just something about lying there on that table, making small talk with your cute doctor while he shoves a cold metal jack in a place where a jack should never be, that makes me procrastinate on making the appointment. It's not just the cold metal jack though. It's the fact that after getting the jack situated, he then proceeds to crank it open so wide, you could fit a small car in there. He doesn't park a car up there though. No, instead he shoves his arm, shoulder deep, in where the sun don't shine. I think I could put all that aside, bite the bullet, and just go if only I could lose a few pounds first. I can handle being poked, probed, and otherwise invaded, but please don't make me step on that scale. I'm afraid he'll look at my chart and say, "Wow Dawn! You weigh more now than you did when you were nine months pregnant with your sixth baby! Are you doing the Dunkin' Donuts Diet again?"

I haven't been there since I had Brooklyn 2 years ago. Let's see, that means I'm only about 1 year and 10 months overdue for my 6 week postpartum check-up. I know I should probably get a mammogram sometime soon too. Although the notion of having my boobs put in a vice and squished as flat as a pancake sounds appealing, I just haven't been able to bring myself to make that appointment either. Instead of squashing your boobs during a mammogram, if they could find a way to actually lift those babies back up above your waistline, I bet women would eagerly line up for the test.

My mom keeps nagging reminding me to make an appointment for a physical. I would, I really would, but my doctor moved away recently 4 years ago and I just haven't found another one despite spending months looking not lifting a finger to look for a new one.

So anyway, I'm sick now. I can handle being sick. I mean, really do we have a choice? I haven't figured out a way to get my employer to give me sick days, so life goes on, sick or not. Anyway, I can handle being sick, but I have the misfortune of losing my voice every time I get a cold. I can't handle that. How am I supposed to yell at the kids now? I wonder if I could just borrow the crossing guard's stop sign to hold up?

OK, I'm going to bed. Have a great weekend everyone!

Sunday Sound Out

Hello everybody! It's Sunday! You know what that means.... it's time to answer viewer mail.

First off, I have a couple updates. Michelle has raised over $2000 on her blog for Julian and his family. This money will help Mimi to buy a burial plot close to their home. Ugh, it just breaks my heart to write that. Julian was in the hospital the other day to help relieve pressure on his poor distended tummy. Thankfully, they're home now and I pray they have a wonderful Christmas and can make some memories to last a lifetime.

In other news, I'm feeling fine and dandy now. Hooray. My middle daughter, Lexington, has strep throat however. It just kind of hit her like a ton of bricks this afternoon. You see, in my family we get sick on vacations and holidays. It's just more fun when you can't get to your regular doctor and you have to try and find a treatment center out of town or you have to go to the ER on the weekend or holiday. On the bright side, we discovered the best way to be seen right away without having to spend hours in the waiting room. Just walk up to the reception desk and promptly puke all over the floor. I don't think we've ever been ushered to a room as quickly as we were today.

After we got to the room, we met Dr. Know-It-All. This is why, when my kids get sick on the weekend, I do everything in my power to wait until Monday so we can see our regular pediatricians who, by the way, are all awesome. So, this doctor spent .000000429 of a second looking in Lex's ears. She didn't say a word about her ears.

(Oooo back up. I forgot to tell you about the ENT appointment I had on this past Thursday. Lexi's ears are still filled with fluid from back in October. She did poorly on her hearing test. She's going for her third set of tubes in January. Clay's ears are both filled with fluid, and he did really poorly on his hearing test as well. Looks like he'll be getting his second set of tubes come January too.)

OK, back to today. Dr. Know-It-All didn't say anything about Lexi's ears which have started causing her pain. I asked her, "How are her ears?"
"They're fine," she quickly replied.
"They're fine?" I was really surprised they didn't look infected since I knew they were fluid-filled and now Lex was running a fever and her ears were hurting. "Are they still filled with fluid?" I asked.
"There is no infection," Dr. Know-It-All avoided my question.
"I understand that they don't look infected to you, but are they still filled with fluid?" I asked yet again.
Dr. Know-It-All gave a sigh, looked at me, and in her most condescending voice (I'm assuming this was her most condescending voice and she isn't actually capable of acting more superior), said, "She doesn't need antibiotics if she has fluid in her ears."
Ummm hello? Did I ask you for antibiotics for her ears? Did I say anything remotely like that? After years of speech therapy, at least partially brought about by poor hearing as a result of fluid-filled ears, I'm just keeping tabs on her ears right now.

Anyway, Dr. Know-It-All asked me what else was bothering my daughter. I told her that her throat, stomach, and head were all hurting, that she'd thrown up in the reception area, and that several kids from her class were out with strep. Dr. K.I.A. brushed it all off and said, "Well, it looks like she just has a virus. We'll do a strep test just in case and then let you go home."

Surprise, surprise, the strep test came back positive. The good news is that Lex will be feeling better and won't be contagious after 24 hours on the antibiotics. The bad news is that one or more of the other kids will have it within the next two days. They just believe in sharing that way.

I've taken a bit of a break from my other blog, Mamaslike.com, but will be back posting regularly there come the beginning of January. As always, if you're interested in advertising on either Mamaslike or this blog, you can get more information here.

Now, without further ado, here are the answers to life's great questions...

Did you just say your husband was grilling? Outisde? In Chicago? In December?
Yes! I highly recommend it! Husband outside grilling = little clean-up for you!

You know, I have a friend who insists that she considers my blogs (yes, I have two) a "ministry". I laugh at the thought, but I suppose if I can give somebody reason to smile on a day when everything around them looked bleak, maybe she's right. Do you agree?
I had never really thought about it until people started thanking me for making them smile on an otherwise gloomy day. Like you, it makes me kinda laugh to think about it, but if I can make someone smile on a bad day, then it's all good in my book and people can call it whatever they wish. :)

This is the final countdown week for Christmas and I'm curious - WHEN did you start/finish your shopping?
I was contemplating starting my shopping today, but it's REALLY cold and windy here right now and I don't feel like shopping right now. I wonder how much longer I can put it off?
OK, seriously, I think I started shopping right after Thanksgiving when Christmas was in the air and stores were fully stocked, there was just a little chill in the air, people were in festive moods, the sounds of Christmas carols filled the air, and my favorite holiday coffee creamers were available in stores. I finished shopping today (literally) when the store's shelves were bare, employees were tired, shoppers were frantically trying to find those last minute gifts, the Christmas music grated on our ears, and it was 500 degrees below 0. I'm doing all my shopping online next year.

Your talent blows me out of the water. How do you do it all? Where do you find a second in your day to do everything that you do?
I do it all, but I sure don't do it well! I'm thinking that I may just "wrap" presents in the shopping bags in which they came. I did my Christmas cards, but I have yet to drop them in a mailbox. I bought Christmas gifts for out of town friends, but I have yet to send them. Maybe they can be New Year's presents. Believe me, I've been checking things off my list and breathing a little easier every day.

Yay! My question made it into Dawn's list! But joint compound!!! Did she get stuck together?!?!?! Oh my!!!
Here's what she did...

The rest of the "If a monkey bit you..." question is, "...what kind of medicine would you have to take?" My kids are the greatest fountain of straight lines, ever. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair...
LOL! I say this all the time. I can remember all sorts of ridiculous, useless, Cliff Claven-like information, but I can't remember what I had for lunch yesterday! If only I could send stupid movie quotes, the lyrics to that song I learned in fifth grade that named all the states in alphabetical order (Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas.....), and the lines to every part I've ever played, to the recycling bin, I'd free up a ton of space on my hard drive!

PS_If I am first can I have a prize? Like an autographed copy of your book? Hee, hee, hee.
I'm not sure about that, but Guideposts has some awesome contest ideas for my blog readers! I'm really excited about them. This summer is going to be fun!

By the way...What Time do the kids wake you up on Christmas morning????
Let's see...Santa doesn't wrap gifts at my house. He just sets the toys (completely assembled, part A inserted into slot B, batteries installed, and decals applied) out around the tree. That means Santa is usually up until the very wee hours of the morning assembling, constructing, swearing, smashing thumbs, and undoing approximately 4000 twist ties, while watching A Christmas Story play over and over and over again. If the kids just got up on their own to see what Santa had brought, I would never hear them, they'd tear apart the house, and I'd probably sleep til noon. However, in our house we have a rule. The kids can't get up and run out to see what Santa brought until everyone's awake, Mom and Dad have had a cup of coffee, and I've gotten my camera ready to go. So, we can usually hold them off and tell them to hang out with each other in their bedrooms until 8:00.

Can you share with us what kind of camera you are using. I'm planning to buy one your seems to meet my expectations.
Surely! It's a Sony model DSC - H2. I got the display model for 50% off when I bought it! The best thing is the 12X optical zoom!

Quick question: How do you keep up with all those mittens for your kids?
I just tell the kids that if they lose them, they can't have any pie.

Have they ever had one go into labor?
This was referring to the Living Nativity at my church and the pregnant women who have played Mary. I don't think anyone has ever gone into labor, but let me tell ya - when I played Mary two years ago, that was the easiest labor I've ever experienced! All I had to do was turn around, pick the doll up off the ground, and place it in the manger. Ta da! No epidural required.

A question for your Sunday sound-off: Do you do laundry everyday? If so, how many loads of laundry do you do in a day?
Every day is laundry day in my house. I do an average of 4 loads a day; more if I'm doing bedding and/or towels. I don't mind doing laundry at all. I seem to have a procrastination problem with the whole 'folding and making sure the kids put it away' part though.

Where on earth did the idea to scotch tape their faces evolve?
I have no idea. Kids are insane.

And for the 400 of you who wrote something like this...Let's see, dizziness, nausea, lack of energy....pregnant?
Ummmm NOOOOO!!!

I have a question for your Sunday sound off....how much time do you spend reading other people's blogs on a regular basis and do you have a favorite (or two)?
I wish! I actually haven't been able to find time to read other blogs. I check out other blogs now and then when someone sends me a link. I feel bad that I don't have more time to read other blogs especially when so many people read mine. I'd like to return the favor. Maybe some day...

Is your book going to be illustrated? If so, is Rick Green going to do the illustrations? Just wondering. - I'm not Rick asking.
Hmmm good question, Rick. I don't think the book will be illustrated, but I haven't gotten that far yet. If it is illustrated, I assume the publisher will pick an illustrator they think is appropriate for my book. I really don't know how all this works.

This is great! However, I can't figure out how you ended up with just 10 dirty dishes. Just ten?
Well, that's what I had to work with. The song isn't called The 4,932, 834, 082 Days of Christmas. A reader sent me a link to this video. This is the best version of the song that I've ever heard!


Was the drawing on the table?
YES!!! Ugh, now I have a "potato person" on my kitchen table for all time. Mr. Clean only faded it a little bit. I hear tablecloths are in.


I was wondering if ..being your from Chicago..Have you ever been to the Oprah show?
LOL! Nope. My husband thought he'd get tickets for me and some friends for my birthday one year. Little did he know that you can't just go to Ticketmaster and buy them. I believe it's easier to win the lottery, have your kids behave in December, find cute shoes in your size on sale, and get hit by lightning - twice, than to get tickets to Oprah's show! She's one popular lady! It would be awesome though, wouldn't it?

Do you pass down clothes? How do you store them in your 1000 square foot house? Would the whites turn yellow if I put them in the attic?
I do save clothes and hand them down. I keep them in the attic. I've never noticed whites turning yellow, but they do tend to pick up that enchanting "plastic container" smell after being up there for a few months. Although, I have to admit that I gave away all clothes and baby items a couple times "because I was done having kids and didn't need them anymore." Of course, every time I did that, I ended up pregnant within a couple months. Take my advice - giving away your baby things causes pregnancy.

Hey, according to Dave Carlson's What's your blog worth, Your blog, mom2my6pack.blogspot.com/, is worth $1,172,549.58!
Who's Dave Carlson and where can I claim my check?


I'm still in awe over how neatly all those boots were lined up ... by size yet!What's up with that?
:::snort!::: That is the magic of movies, my friend. This is what it REALLY looks like...


And finally, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The World is Spinning - Literally

I guess I forgot to give you guys the answers to the movie quotes last night. A ton of you got them right! They were...
1. Airplane!
2. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
3. Better Off Dead
4. A Christmas Story
5. Breakfast at Tiffanys
6. Dirty Dancing
7. Ella Enchanted
8. Jaws
9. Rainman
10. The Shawshank Redemption
11. The Princess Bride
12. Tootsie (some people said A League of Their Own, but I think that quote was more like,
"What do you recommend?" in reference to Marla
"A lot of night games!")
13. When Harry Met Sally
14. While You Were Sleeping
15. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
16. A Christmas Story
17. Ferris Buehler's Day Off
18. Better Off Dead
19. A Christmas Story
20. Ghostbusters
21. The Princess Bride
22. National Lampoons Vacation
23. While You Were Sleeping (I totally made a typo on this one! It was supposed to say, "These mashed potatoes are so creamy."
24. The Cutting Edge
25. The Princess Bride

That was fun, huh? See, it's good to procrastinate. I can come up with all sorts of fun things to do like that. Of course, when I procrastinate and do all sorts of stupid things like come up with a list of dog names for a dog I don't have and am not planning to get, I end up staying up until 3:00am trying to get actual chores done. That happened last night and I woke up this morning so dizzy I couldn't see right. The whole house was pitching and turning and I couldn't stand up straight. Now this wouldn't have been so bad had I been drinking, but I had no excuse for my dizziness. I couldn't even walk a straight line so I opted to keep the kids home from school instead of attempting to drive them there.

It was a great idea to let the kids stay home. As I lay on the couch trying not to throw up because my head was spinning and making me nauseous, it gave the kids a chance to try some fun, learning experiments. They tested the laws of gravity as they threw stuff around the family room. Brooklyn experimented with the effects of toxic materials by filling her diaper and walking around until our eyes started watering and if it's possible, I think I got even more dizzy. They did a little chemistry and mixed different liquids on the kitchen floor. They broke a snowman soap dispenser. They did some cooking and made nachos with potato chips, string cheese, chicken soup, and cantaloupe. I'm pretty sure we've never seen that recipe on Food Network. They dumped out the contents of the bathroom garbage can for unknown reasons, and finally they took the mattress off my oldest daughter's bed. Why not?! This, my friends, is why mom can NEVER get sick. My poor husband came home from work to this insane mess because I didn't do a darn thing today. Every time I stood up, I fell back over and well, that makes it hard to keep up.