The doctor knocked on the door to make sure I was done stripping down and was carefully covered with my paper blanket. It doesn't matter that she's going to lift the "blanket" up and look up my hoo-ha with a high powered microscope, but it would just be crazy if she walked in on me before I was entirely covered up.
She came in, cranked open the speculum, moved the colposcope into position and said, "Hmm, I can't see anything."
I'm like, "Seriously? You should be able to see all the way to my tonsils with how far that thing is shoved up there."
She insisted that there was something wrong with the light and she couldn't see anything.
Well, that's comforting.
She grabbed another doctor (because what's better than lying there with your feet in stirrups in front of one doctor? Lying there with your legs in the air for TWO doctors!) I guess they got the thing to work and she went ahead with the biopsy.
I really wasn't nervous or anything. Heck, I was out alone, lying down and relaxing. I was enjoying myself! Still, she talked me through the whole process. "I'm going to put some vinegar on your cervix now."
"Vinegar? What, are you making salad dressing down there?"
Apparently vinegar can make the abnormal tissue turn white. Then she put some
"I'm just going to take a couple samples. You'll feel
"Seriously, what are you cooking down there?"
Anyway, I guess things looked pretty good and she didn't seem very concerned. Then she told me the great news that I'd probably have to come back for repeat paps every three months! Woo Hoo! Don't be all jealous now.
Although that appointment was fun, I didn't feel like I'd been humiliated enough so I went on to my mammogram appointment. So, I checked in at the outpatient lab thingy place and took a seat in the waiting room. There's a water fountain in the waiting room at my hospital. It's very tranquil and serene. It's soothing to hear the trickling water running down the wall. Unless, of course, you're a million months pregnant and you're there with your full bladder just waiting for your ultrasound. Then it's just cruel and evil. This was the first time I've been in that waiting room without having to cross my legs and will myself not to pee in their nicely upholstered chairs.
When it was my turn for the mammogram, a nice woman named Audrey called me back and sat down and explained step by step exactly what they were going to do. Again, I really wasn't nervous to begin with, but had I been, it would have been very comforting to have a technician take the time to explain everything and ask if I had any questions.
So I changed into an actual gown made of fabric and not paper and went into the waiting room. In my hospital, this whole area was just for women which was nice. When it was my turn, the technician asked me a few questions and then got to work. Now, I know what we've all been told - it's like smashing your boob between two cold, metal bookends, right? I was going to write something all funny about this, but I decided to be honest instead because I think mammograms are infinitely important and I didn't want to scare anyone from actually getting one. So, here's the truth - mammograms aren't that bad! For real!
Yes, it's uncomfortable to have a stranger grab your boob, pull it nearly off your body and place it in this machine. Yes, it's a little strange to have the technician place a sticker that looks like a snap, on your nipple. And yes, it's uncomfortable to have your boob squashed between the two plates. But it really doesn't hurt. Honest! Discomfort - sure. Pain - not at all. And really, what's a little discomfort when you think of the incredible benefits? Breast cancer is highly curable if caught early. Who would rather risk their health just to avoid a little discomfort? And let's face it, after giving birth, our inhibitions are pretty much non-existent anyway, right? Sooo, if you're between the age of 35 and 40 and haven't had a mammogram yet, GO GET ONE! It's important to get that first baseline mammo so doctors have something to compare future mammograms to. Doctors need to know what is normal for you, so they can spot any changes that might occur in the future. Come on, if I can do it, you guys can too! OK, I'm done with my motherly lecture now.
Oh yeah, and when you get your mammo done and you go back to the dressing room to change back into your clothes, don't forget to take the stickers off your boobs. Not that I did that or anything. Just saying...