Friday, June 29, 2007

Welcome to my Blog about Kids and the Chaos They Bring

Welcome to my blog, a place where you can read about my children's adventures and realize that your own kids aren't so bad after all. Or perhaps my blog will be a source of birth control for some. Maybe a young entrepreneur will read this and decide that boot camp for toddlers is actually a very lucrative idea. Perhaps some will be able to relate to the antics of which I will write and will get a laugh out of this blog. Whatever your reasons for reading, thank you and welcome!


I'd like to start with something I wrote back in March of 2005. It's a little story about how a baseball started a day of chaos with my kids. I used the story to sell the baseball as an auction on Ebay. I don’t know what possessed me to make an auction of it, but I did. Now, I believe things happen for a reason. For example - you slip and fall because the kids have poured soap all over the kitchen floor. When you fall to the ground, you see your car keys, that have been missing for two days, shoved under the oven. If the kids hadn’t poured soap on the floor, you wouldn’t have fallen and had you not fallen, it could’ve been years before finding your car keys. See? Things happen for a reason.



Anyway, I auctioned off a dirty old, used baseball on Ebay. My auction attracted the attention of over 220,000 people and I ended up selling the ball for $1125.00! And, best of all, I received emails from thousands of people telling me that I should write a book about parenting. At first, I thought to myself - now how am I going to find the time to write a book? I barely have time to write a check to the grocery store to cover the cost of the damage my kids did on our last shopping trip! I also wondered if I could think of enough things about which to write. And really, I'm the last person on earth who should write a book about parenting, unless it's a book on what NOT to do.


So, instead of writing a book, I decided to find a couple minutes a day to blog. Oh yes, and the fear that I wouldn’t be able to think of enough things about which to write? Well, I don’t think I’ll ever run out of ideas as my kids happily provide me with fresh, new material every day.
I think an appropriate way to start off this blog is with a copy of that fateful Ebay listing, I hope you enjoy it!




The Ball That Started it All

I'm selling the baseball that started my wonderful first day of spring break. Do you want to know why I'm selling the baseball that started off my wonderful first day of spring break? Only because Ebay won't let me sell my kids who were playing with the baseball that started my wonderful day. Is spring break over yet?! Here's the whole story...

First, my boys (10 year old and 6 year old) decided it would be a good idea to play baseball in their room instead of getting up and watching tv like normal kids. Well, let me tell you, it is NEVER a good thing to awake to the sound of crashing glass. Thankfully, it was just their light and not the window this time. So, I go to clean up the glass in the boys' room when I hear those delightful words, "Mooooooom, Lexi tried to flush her pull-up in the toilet and water's EVERYWHERE!"

Grrr, ok, the broken glass gets put on hold while I get the mop for the bathroom and try to dislodge the soggy diaper that's stopping up the toilet. Let me tell you - this is not fun stuff when you haven't even had your coffee yet! Before I can clean up the waterlogged bathroom, the baby starts crying. Sooo, I leave the bathroom mess to grab the baby and change his diaper. The diaper pail is full, so I pull the bag of dirty diapers out and start for the door so I can dump them outside before the toxic smell kills us all. Do I make it outside? Noooo, of course not. I get side tracked by my 3 year old who is finger painting on the TV with yogurt.
Lovely. Let's recap - Broken glass in the boys' room, Flooded toilet, Smelly diapers, Yogurt covered TV, and it's only 9:00.

OK, I put the baby in his highchair, toss him some Cheerios, throw the diapers outside, grab the glass cleaner and get to work on the TV all the while yelling at my 6 year old to get dressed. Does he get dressed? Nooooo. Instead, he takes out my 10 year old's hermit crab to "play with it". He gets scared and drops the poor crab who scurries away into the pile of clothes and toys and STUFF that permanently covers the floor of the boys' room. Will the fun never end? So, I start searching among all the stuff and broken glass for the crab.

In the meantime, my 3 year old takes out the maple syrup and pours it on the tray of the highchair. By the time I find the crab and return him to the relative safety of his tank, the baby is glued to the highchair with maple syrup. It's covering his jammies, his hands, his hair, and the curtains that he's able to reach from his chair. Lucky me. Before throwing the baby in the tub, I take down the curtains and start a load of laundry.

So I put a movie on for my 3 and my 6 year old (aka partners in crime). Ahhhh peace. I bathe the baby and get him dressed, but before I can play one game of Peek-A-Boo with him, I hear the little ones fighting over a crayon. I put the baby in the play pen and break up The Great Crayon Battle. Then I notice that there were casualties in The Great Crayon Battle. Namely my leather chair and the wall in the living room. At this point, the broken glass and flooded bathroom are all but forgotten as I work on scrubbing crayon off the wall. There has GOT to be a boot camp for toddlers somewhere!

The baby picks this day to learn a new trick. It's called, 'Hey I can escape from the play pen!' I have no idea how he managed to pull himself out of that thing, but he did. Want to know how I know he escaped? Because I heard the 3 year old shouting from the kitchen, "Moooooom, the baby is eating Puppy Chow!" I drop my cleaning sponge and run to the kitchen to find my baby sitting in a pool of water from the dog's dish, and happily munching away on dog food. Oh well. At least I won't have to feed him lunch.

I manage to change him. Again. I confiscate the older kids' Gameboys and put them to work making lunch for everyone. It's noon by now and I haven't showered, or finished the laundry, or washed the dishes from breakfast, or mopped up the bathroom, or cleaned up the broken glass, or scrubbed the crayon off the wall, or hung the curtains back up. But, on the bright side, there haven't been any broken bones or a need for stitches, so all in all, it's a good day.

After lunch, I banish 4 of the kids outside and lay the baby down for a nap. I clean up the peanut butter and Kool-Aid mess in the kitchen from where my oldest kids made lunch. Ahhh peace and quiet at last. I bake a birthday cake for my sister while the kids are playing nicely outside. Then I think to myself - 'They're playing nicely??? Wait a minute. They must be up to something!' Sure enough, the 3 year old is throwing globs of wet sand against the house and the 10 year old is trying to tie a rope to the chimney so he can repel down the side of the garage. WHERE DO THEY COME UP WITH THIS STUFF???!

While the cake is cooling inside, I help my kids clean up outside and play catch with them for a while. I don't happen to notice that the 3 and the 6 year olds disappear inside at some point. When I go inside to check on them and see if the baby is still sleeping, I see that the partners in crime have gotten into my cake decorating box and have painted themselves with black icing color! AARRRGGGHHH!!! I throw my little black-faced children in the tub and attempt to clean up the trail of black color on my kitchen table and the walls. While goofing off in the bathtub, they manage to knock a hole in the wall! That's right - A HOLE! We knew the wall was getting a little spongy, but having 5 kids tends to drain you financially and we just hadn't been able to do any remodeling. Sooo, now we have a hole in the wall which just lends to overall ambience of our "oh so classy" home.

This is about the time I start thinking that rum would be a good way to end the day. Oh yes, to top it off, my husband comes home and asks, "So, what did you do today?" GRRRR!
So, up for sale is the baseball that broke the light and started off my wonderful first day of spring break. I'd like to say that this is just one isolated day of insanity, but unfortunately this is pretty much my life. And yes, I actually did stop in the middle of the chaos to take pictures because everyone tells me that one day I'll look back fondly and laugh. (I have my doubts about this theory.)

PS - If anyone knows Super Nanny, send her my way!!!

45 comments:

Gertrude said...

HA! Keep smiling. It's about all you can do some days!

Kami said...

You really should write a book!A day in the life of....:)

Tandra said...

BWAH-HAHA-hahahaahhahahaahIcantstoplaughing-hahahahahahaha

My I link your blog on mine?? This is a hilarious read!! I just wanna make sure that you are in my faves so when your book come sout...lol
I read the Pokemon card auction too! Flippin' hysterical!

Evonne & Darren said...

With 6 kids, how do you find the time to blog and stay sane? Thanks for keeping us entertained!

Lisa said...

Your writing really is awesome! You should definitely sign up for some paid to blog companies! I think you would have a blast and make plenty of money! Starting with PayPerPost and Linkworth as another commenter suggested is a great idea!

Debby/MI said...

Oh my goodness. I've decided that I have to start at the beginning and work my way through your blog entries. Yes, I'm another person coming to you via an email linking me to your now famous eBay auction for Pokeman cards.

I sent your auction link to many friends and I am now getting replies that all sound like this, "Thank you so much for sending me that link...I laughed so hard...I really needed that today..." It seems you have heard that quite a bit, but me and my large group of email buddies (and I know they're passing it on, too) would like to simply add our "Thank you!" for the grins.

We'll be sure to catch you when you're on Jay Leno/David Letterman...oh yes, it is bound to happen! :)

Dave and Crystal said...

I LOVE this blog!! Yes..I found you from an email a friend sent me with the link to your Ebay ad!! Boy are you getting famous! I just sit back and laugh and laugh...I have 4 kids myself!! We are planning another for next year (at least we were until I started reading your blog! HAHA!!) I can so relate to so many of your stories. I just had to come back to the beginning of your blog and check it out from the bottom up! Can't wait for the book! Can I get a signed copy? LOL! Thanks for the laughs! Your kids will be famous too...who knows..there may be a movie deal..haha!

Anonymous said...

I usually ask "What are you doing to help create peace right now?"

I have 4 children and used to deal with that problem until I read Sheparding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp and/or Don't Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman! They really transformed my parenting. All my children have Senory Processing Disorder and other issues and my husband travels 3 mo. gone and 1 mo. home. I also deal with MS. I highly recommend those books to help bring some peace.

Anonymous said...

Yet another "ME TOO!" that found your blog via the eBay Pokemon card auction.

I'm afraid that I have added about 20 more fans to your blog by forwarding the URL.

I'm beginning at the beginning so I don't miss a moment.

Thank you for your blog!!

Carla said...

Yep. I backtracked too!! Wanted to start at the start. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh my God, my sister in law just sent me a copy of your e-bay auction. I laughed my you know what off. Why you ask, because I just got home from the grocery store with my brood, (I stopped after 3 + 1 husband = 4), where I spent 2 hours yelling at my husband while he was racing around the store with my 3 kids in the shopping cart laughing and giggling. It was so therapeutic to know that I am truly not alone. May God bless you and your family. YOU REALLY SHOULD WRITE A BOOK!! LOL!

Anonymous said...

I think you're the next, modern day Erma Bombeck!

Ginger said...

Wow, well I too had to see it from the beginning and now I'm a fan so I'll be tuning into your blog daily. I'm a SAHM of two beautiful girls and I think us moms don't get enough recognition. (I'm sure I'm not using proper grammar here and you've made me paranoid about it because of your criticism.:)What I'm trying to say (proper grammar aside) is I feel vindicated by your recognition. So here's a rum and coke to all us hard working mommies.

Confession: I was looking for the Dictionary to at least check my spelling (because I'm sure I spelled something wrong) and I can't find it. I'm sure I saw it around here somewhere in this mess recently but who knows. I did however find a wet diaper stuffed under my bed...hmmmm..(wonder how that got there) I was wonder what that smell was...

Karen said...

Thank God I am not the only one who has days like that. I only have two children (4 yr old boy with autism and 2 yr old girl who makes enough messes and disasters to count as an additional child) so I only have half the amount of messes you have.

You are so blessed to have such smart, creative, resourceful and self-motivated children. Your kids will be the future CEO's, entrepreneurs and top in their careers. Kudos to you! Keep up the great work!

Karen said...

My daughter, my oldest sent me the link to your ebay, pokemon, auction. I began reading and then I almost began crying. She sent it because she thought I would think it was funny but she didn't realize it was like reading my own journal. The one I put away for a very long time so that one day when I opened it "I would look back and think it was funny." The one I then locked away because I used to pull it out thinking, is it funny yet? It's not funny yet. But my kids tell other people, "Mom doesn't have a sense of humor we're aware of." At this point in life I would say to you, "good on you", an Australian cliche I think, for well done, which my husband used to say all too often. You've got my vote for the best use of everyday life that would kill most people. I want to read more of your blog but it's all too fresh for me still. Here's to survival of the funniest! Have a funnier tomorrow you deserve any good that can come from any moment of any day(and I know there are many for you)Hang in there sister, it does get better. Promise. Keep on writing! You're awesome!

Danielle said...

Oh my goodness! I can't believe it's taken me this long to read this first post but I SAW THAT AUCTION!! Unbelievable.

Now I'm even happier for you!

Liz said...

Wow! After reading for nearly an hour, and still not knowing the full story of the ebay auction that brought me here in the first place, I decide, maybe I should start at the beginning! And, I am able to read that story. I am so happy to know that I am not alone in the mis-haps that lead to me thinking that rum would be good right about now. I have had such fun reading your blog and getting chuckles all afternoon, and then again in the evening. Thanks for sharing your tidbits, and making me smile!
I have some more reading to do now, to find out about your radio appearances, but I wish you and your kids the best of luck. I love your writing style and how you are able to find humor in your day is amazing.

Amee said...

Add me to the list...the email came on a forward of about 200 pple (just a slight exageration) so I know the gal that sent it to me has greatly added to your fan base. I am a mom to 2 boys who are 6 and 7 and I have needed your blog! Thank you for (like most everyone else) helping me see that it's ok if life is hard with children, and to stop and laugh at them...so I don't cry!!! Our children are such blessings and that is something we can overlook in the craziness of everyday..thank you for your honesty and God bless you!!

Anonymous said...

YOU GO GIRL!!! Get your lasso, tell the dh you are going to the store by yourself just once. I bet you will start doing 4 am shopping at walmart.

You definately need to write a book as i just read the ebay story to a friend of mine over our morning coffee.

Any parent has been in your shoes, and know they are not alone. I have 2 children. I have been there and still doing that shopping battle.

Take a 5 minute breather for yourself.

Anonymous said...

About eleven years ago, I returned from a rare solitary foray to the grocery store only to find a rope tied around our chimney. Baffled, I asked my then twelve year-old son if he knew why there was a rope tied around the chimney (I intuitively knew I needn't ask his three sisters). He replied that he had tried rappelling down the side of the house while I was gone. In response to my stern reprimand, he explained defensively that I had never told him not to rappel.

Shacoushy said...

Oh yes, you will get a spot on Leno/Letterman. And yes, I too, read the Pokemon Auction in a FW'd email (laughed until I was crying). My friend had no idea my boy loves Pokemon. When I mentioned the email story to hubby, my boy wanted to see what cards they were! I also agree with the person who mentioned you being today's Erma Brombeck! I'm not sure if I spelled her last name right.

I have only one boy, who right now is running some "test" in the bathtub with a motor/battery science kit he got a while ago. My "big boy," -husband, tells me a lot to let our boy be a boy. Yesterday he said he wanted to do something nice to help me out. I was in a different room and when I went to where he was he had used the cooking spray to "wax the floor!" Mind you, we have a no-wax floor in the kitchen to start with! Helper? Boy? Yes to both, but watch your step!

It's so good to know we're not in the crazy Mommy capers by ourselves! Thank you so very much for sharing.

One more thing. I've found that WD-40 TRULY works for getting crayon off the wall. No joke there, but try it on a small not so easily seen spot first just to make sure. It might depend on the kind of paint or surface it is. ;)

Shelley said...

Hi Dawn! Another person here who read the eBay auction for the Pokemon cards. However, I also read the auction for the baseball two years ago, and loved it then! I didn't realize the same person had written both until today, when I read the Trib article. Congratulations on all the recognition you're getting!

Anonymous said...

If you give a pig a pancake...

Anonymous said...

I thought my kids were the only kids that ran through a grocery store like a tornado. I was in Walmart when my son was 2. I bent over to pick up my car cars that I had just dropped and in that brief second of my bending over he managed to swipe 12 pairs of shoe laces right off the shelf and hid them in the carriage. The clerk didn't see them and niether did I until I was in the car and he decided he was going to tie his binky to the carseat. The I looked and he had 11 more pairs hanging out of his pocket. Think anyone would want those on Ebay? I love your writing and I look forward to hearing of someone elses pains of parenting.

Rain's Tribe said...

Howdy! Stopping by for a dose of good cheer. Congrats on the latest articles and interviews, you are doing a great job with your talents!! Keep up the fabulous work! - Rain & Tribe

Shannon **Gabi's Mom** said...

That was great, too! So, where are the pictures you took?

JustALittleBit_Me said...

Oh my gosh! I remember the baseball auction from two years ago! I was wondering who wrote that one, well no wonder it was you--you're such a creative, fun writer! Good luck, from a new loyal reader. :)

Scrappytbear said...

THIS is amazing...because I READ that Ebay post in 2005 and while reading your Pokemon auction I was thinking OH my goodness that is just as funny as that lady that sold the baseball that started off that bad day......Im so glad to have caught up with you! :)

Anonymous said...

Hello

Anonymous said...

I would like to tell you that you make me forget the rest of the world. With the world the way it is today, it is wonderful to have someone bring a smile to your face and joy to your heart. Thank you for words of wonder!! I hope you let everyone know the next time you put up something for sale on EBAY!! It is great reading!! :)

Anonymous said...

You are a delight! I don't have children, but I was one of four and now I have a little more sympathy for my mother, who had similar daily battles.
Don't worry...in 30 years they'll be mostly on their own and you'll only have to deal with the grandkids.

Anonymous said...

Hi Dawn! Another "fan" of the infamous eBay Pokemon post! I have to tell you, I start every day now by logging onto my computer to read your most recent post. With a second child on the way, you help me remember that I only have 1 to deal with on a daily basis, and that yes, I am strong enough for 2 ... my husband thinks I am crazy that I want 4! I told him to read your blog ... he is now convinced that I am "making it up" when I tell him that I had a rocky day with our 2-year old.

Thanks for the laughs, grins, tears, etc. Looking forward to the next post!

kirstie said...

you are mega talented i have laughed my butt off

Jennifer said...

I've asked my self for years (with my 3 kids and now 4th on the way) How does one GET through this with their sanity intact!?? Its soooo hard!!
Now I know the answer from reading your blog!
HUMOR :D and TONS of patience!
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences and your humor with us all.
I really hope this amounts to a book deal or something of the sort for you and your family!

Anonymous said...

As a fellow stay at home Mom of six, I laughed until I cried reading your pokemon essay! Seriously, you are funny and you tell the truth. It isn't pretty but it's beautiful!

Julianne Kicklighter
Utah

Brandi said...

Too funny! Did we ever get to see the pictures from that day?

I appreciate your writing about your "journey". It's a wild ride, isn't it?!

Thanks,
Brandi
www.homehopeandfuture.blogspot.com
PS MY BLOG IS NOT FUNNY!! Not like yours anyways. . .it's mostly about my journey to adopt a little one from Africa.

Darlene said...

Had to let you know -- I really enjoyed your blogs -- they were soooo funny. I had 5 children myself and am now a grandmother. Have to tell you - it does get better.
Your blog was mentioned in my newspaper here (The Sacramento Bee), so I had to go read it.
More power to you, and I do hope you get a book out of this.

Bob said...

Since receiving your ebay posting from a friend I have become a fan. I had to start at the beginning of your blog to read about your life adventure with your children.
Hope you work out a book deal and a weekly if not daily column.
Your writing reminds me also of Erma Bombeck.
Best of luck to you and your 7 kids. (husband included and this only because my wife claims me as one of her kids)

Andrea said...

I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard! I've got three boys ages 4, 3, and 1, and my days feel a lot like this!! Thanks so much for helping me laugh about it all, and keep up the great storytelling.

Jen said...

bless you and your family! i just discovered your blog and am having great fun reading about the escapades of your kids and your ebay adventures. amazing how things take on a life of their own, isn't it?

i'll be back!

stephanie said...

LOL I LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



KUDOS!!!!

Melissa said...

Oh my Gosh!!! I am laughing out loud! I loved the whole falling on the floor and finding your keys thing. Sadly this is the very true life that we mothers live! Thanks for making me laugh

Darla said...

Had to start at the beginning too. Now with a new baby, our sixth girl, I will have time for about one entry a day but it is well worth it! My husband just spend a little over a week playing Mommy while I was in the hospital and then back and forth while baby was still in (she was 6 wks early) and he was truly amazed what a mom goes through! He just laughs and tells everyone, "I'm not very good at this Mommy thing!" He forgot appts, overslept one morning and had all the kids mad at him...he did manage to get em on the bus but without their homework done that day...he called me every day to ask what time our kindergartner gets on the bus again? He said, "I don't know how you do it, remembering all those little details like all the appts and stuff!" It was nice for me to have him actually live this life fora little while. He said, "Yeah, there are stresses to working every day but, I mean, every day I know that at 5 minutes to 12 I go for lunch!!! Same time EVERY DAY!!!" It was great!!!

Dana0767 said...

ATTN Dawn!

Are you the Mom I met on an aol baby message board?? Youu have to be - I know she was from Chicago!

Dana

Anonymous said...

I've been perusing some of your older postings, and I have to ask... were you pregnant with Brooklyn when you made the ebay posting?

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