Sunday Sound Out

From Chicago, where we're celebrating National Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day (Hey, I don't make this stuff up and if it entails eating chocolate, I don't question it either.), it's your host, the woman who just her won her 4829th game of solitaire. Hmmm, I probably shouldn't brag about that.

My baby turned sixteen yesterday. SIXTEEN! I have no idea how this happened. I swear I was pregnant with him just yesterday. Austin is taking Japanese in school this year and he is so into it that he's worked ahead of the class to the point that he's skipping ahead an entire year of Japanese next semester. So, for his birthday, I made him a sushi cake. I was thrilled with how the sushi turned out, but disappointed that I didn't have enough time to make a good "plate" out of cake to set the sushi on. And I had really wanted to write happy birthday in Japanese on the cake, but just ran out of time to look it up and practice. Anyway, here's the cake...









Jackson and Lexi had their last football game on Saturday. Jackson's team made it to the playoffs and ended up in the championship game. It was the best game of the entire season! Holy cow, what a nail-biter! In the last minute of the game, Jackson's team made a touchdown, bringing the score to 13-12. In less than a minute of play, however, the opposing team was able to get the ball all the way down the field and was SO close to scoring. On the last play, Jackson grabbed the quarterback and slowed him down enough that another teammate was able to get in his face and force him to throw the ball to the ground. It was awesome! You know, if you like football. Which I don't. But still, when it's a championship game and it's that close and your kid is out there, making plays... well, don't tell anyone, but it's pretty cool.



And now, here are answers to this week's questions...

Wow what a fantastic idea to make your book signing a baby shower theme and help the community.You are awesome.
It was Margaret McSweeney's idea. She's awesome and does a lot for Wings. When she came up with the baby shower idea, I jumped on it because it's a perfect fit for my book and it'll benefit both me and Wings and you just can't beat a win/win situation!

Dying to hear how the book release party went! If I wasn't 8 hours away I would have so been there!
The party was fun! I think everyone there had a good time. We did shoot some video from the night and I'm working on putting it together now. I'll put it on my blog for everyone to see as soon as I can! And don't worry if you missed the event at Comedy Sportz last week. I'm having another event at the Makray Club in Barrington, IL. This will also benefit Wings. Mark your calendars for lunch on Friday, December 3. Invitation will follow!

So, where IS your book on the Amazon rankings right now?
Well, that's something that's ever-changing. But you can order a copy for yourself and all your friends and help me get it to number one. ;)
You can order from Amazon HERE, or you can go to my books page and order from your choice of booksellers HERE.

I love Monterey. Did you get to eat at Bubba Gumps?
I had the fruit of the sea. You know, 'cause you can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There's shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That's about it.

What did you oldest two kids do for halloween? Somehow I don't think they missed out on their fair share of candy.
Savannah went to Six Flags with her friends and Austin went to a party with his friends. They both dressed up. Neither is sharing candy with me. Even though it's National Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day today. Pssht!

Glad your family is healthy once again. Did the older two ever get it?
Yep! All seven of us got it. Austin was the last to fall while I was in California. A couple days ago, I got an email from the school district, warning us that a horrible gastroentestinal virus was sweeping through Chicagoland. Umm, thanks?



Have a wonderful week! And don't forget to change the clocks back. And change the batteries in your smoke detectors. And change your Facebook profile picture to the cover of my book to be entered in a drawing for a signed copy of it.

Why I Have a Cell Phone

I love my cell phone. Honestly, I can't even remember a time when I didn't have it. How did we ever manage without cell phones? I mean, I know if I had to go without a phone, I probably wouldn't die, but who wants to take that chance? And I don't have any ordinary phone either. I have an iPhone. I obsessively check my blog, my email, Facebook, Twitter and these days, the latest Amazon rank on my new book, You'll Lose the Baby Weight (and OTHER LIES about pregnancy and childbirth).

I don't know what would happen if I had to go ten whole minutes without knowing where my book falls in Amazon's sales. What if it hit the number one best seller while I was at the grocery store and I didn't have a smart phone to check it out? I'd be filling my cart with frozen waffles and milk and I wouldn't even know that I had a best seller so I'd totally miss my opportunity to shout to every random stranger I met, "Hey, my book is number one on Amazon right now! Wooo Hooo!" I guess I could do that anyway. I mean, what are the chances they'd pull out their smart phone, look it up and figure out I was lying through my teeth? Not likely.

I also use my phone to entertain myself when I'm sitting in a waiting room and the only magazines around are Field and Stream, and Popular Mechanics. I play Cowabunga or Angry Birds educational games and Scrabble.

But most importantly, my phone lets Brooklyn google really important stuff when I fall asleep while watching Ponyo with her for the forty-eight thousandth time.

Motherhood

You have to watch this video until the very end. I'll know if you don't and I'll hunt you down and show up on your front porch, laptop in hand. I'll shove my foot in your door and I'll sing loudly and off-key until you acquiesce and watch the entire video. Okay, so maybe I won't really come to your house. Unless you live someplace warm... What? It's getting cold in Chicago!

But really, I got this idea from a video I watched at the Books and Such retreat last week. I thought it was SO cool, I had to make my own version.



Thank you to Eric for figuring out how I could do this. You rock!

Sunday Sound Out

I'm back from Monterey. As wonderful as it was to get away from real life for a while, and as awesome as it was to collaborate with some amazingly talented authors, it was really nice to come home. I couldn't even get in my door before my kids flung themselves into my arms. I missed them so much!

Here are a couple pictures from California...

















And here's a pic from Halloween...


It's Phineas, Ferb, Candace & Isabella

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And finally, you're ALL invited to my book launch party this Tuesday, November 2nd. It's at The Comedy Sportz Theater in Chicago from 6:30 - 9:30. And since it's for a book about pregnancy and childbirth, what better way to celebrate than with a baby shower? Bring diapers, formula, new/gently used baby clothing, or other baby items to be entered in a drawing for raffle prizes. All donations will benefit Wings (Women In Need Growing Stronger), a non-profit organization helping women and children who are fleeing domestic violence.

* FREE ADMISSION * RAFFLE PRIZES * REFRESHMENTS * GOODY BAGS FOR EVERYONE FROM SUAVE * SIGNED BOOKS * FUN *

Monterey Pictures - part one

Monterey in pictures...

The seagull that divebombed us during breakfast. Nothing says good morning like bird poop in your coffee.


the view outside my window


Don't let this guy's cuteness fool you. He's loud and has nasty fish breath.


my hotel


a sea star

Objects in Mirror May Appear Larger Than They Are

Maybe I shouldn't have made fun of the idiots people who couldn't fasten their seatbelts earlier.

Yesterday, before dinner, I decided to shower off my travel germs. I turned on the shower to let it warm up while I walked over to the vanity to grab my toiletries. On the vanity, I noticed a mirror. A super-magnified, lit-up mirror. I took a peek in the mirror and gasped at what I saw. The image in the mirror had pores the size of the Grand Canyon. Clearly, the mirror was broken because I'm certain my pores aren't that big. I sat down and stared at my zillion imperfections. I grabbed my tweezers and went to work on my eyebrows. Oh my gosh, is that a whisker on my chin? What the heck? This is what forty looks like?!

I think they put this mirror in every room, hoping that the guest will take a look, be completely disgusted at what they see, and rush to make an appointment in their spa. In fact, I think a spa menu was sitting right next to the mirror with "facial" at the top of the list.

I was a woman obsessed. Twenty minutes must have passed while I sat there attempting to reconcile the image in the mirror with the image I had in my mind. At some point, I snapped back to reality and remembered I needed to get in the shower or I was going to be late for dinner. I walked back to the bathroom where the tub was just about to overflow. The tub was plugged up and I hadn't even realized it! Oops.

I plunged my hand into the water to open the drain, then, just as quickly, removed the skeletal remains of what was once my hand. The skin had completely melted off. The water was 4000 degrees. I guess the fact that the water was actually boiling and had smoke swirling above the tub, eluded me. Yep, it takes a special kind of stupid to scald yourself while bathing.

Insert the Buckle Here

I'm in California right now because my agent, Janet Grant at Books and Such is hosting a retreat for her authors. It's going to be a great few days of networking with some amazing authors and learning from the informative workshops she's arranged.

My flight to Monterey was scheduled for 8:15 yesterday morning. The night before, the weathermen were predicting storms of apocalyptic proportions. I was so looking forward to this trip. I knew that this trip was going to be really beneficial to my writing career. After spending a week with a stomach virus running rampant through my family, I needed this trip. When the newscasters said that flights out of O'Hare would likely be cancelled, I started shaking and twitching. "You don't understand! I HAVE to go!"

Luck was on my side because mine was one of the last flights out of O'Hare before hundreds were cancelled.

I was thinking about making a new and improved safety demonstration for the airlines because really, the one they use now is pretty archaic. I mean, if you don't know how to fasten a seatbelt, you probably shouldn't be leaving your house. Instead of showing people how to fasten a seatbelt and put on an oxygen mask, I think the video should demonstrate how to get out of your seat without hanging on to the seat in front of you, pulling the occupant of said seat's hair, and annoying the snot out of her. It should also tell passengers how to keep their arms to themselves instead of encroaching upon other people's space. It should probably include a message about how important personal hygiene is during air travel as well.

And then, on my flight from O'Hare to Los Angeles, a lady sat next to me and couldn't, for the life of her, figure out how to fasten her seatbelt. Seriously? But it gets better. The guy sitting next to me on the flight from LAX to Monterey, sat on his seatbelt, then used mine to fasten himself in nice and snug. It took me ten minutes to explain to him what he'd done.

Remarkably enough, I guess we still need that archaic safety demonstration. (But we maybe we could add the common courtesy and personal hygiene features to it.)

YOU'RE ALL INVITED!

You're all invited to my book launch party! Click the picture to enlarge it so it's easier to read the details.

The One Thing My Kids Share

I live in a House o' Puke. Tuesday night, Clay started throwing up. He ran a fever all day Wednesday. Thursday evening, Brooklyn started throwing up. A few hours later, Lexi joined her. I was awake all night going back and forth between the two of them. In the wee hours of the morning, my stomach started feeling a little funny. I convinced myself it was only because I was so tired and needed sleep. I talked myself out of throwing up for hours. I tried to trick myself that I wasn't really sick. I prayed my Vomit Prayer. "Oh dear God, please, please, please, please, please, please, please don't let me throw up. Please!!!"

And then I threw in the towel. (Literally, I threw a towel over all the vomit.) Oh yeah, and I start throwing up myself. I texted my friend, Eric at 4:30 in the morning. I've got it now too. :***(

He was at my house by 6:30 with bags of Gatorade, Sprite, chicken broth, Pedialyte pops, soda crackers, oyster crackers, children's Motrin, Advil, anti-diarrhea meds, hand sanitizer, antibacterial wipes, etc.

I sort of remember letting him in my house and then passing out. Apparently he held my girls' hair while they threw up and cleaned up puke messes and disinfected everything in sight. I awoke at 10:30 when he left for work. Honestly, if it wasn't for him, we'd all be living in my van right now because my house would be full of disgusting uckness. Eric, there are no words to thank you enough for all you did for us. (Oh and just so you know, I love you and all, but there is NO WAY I will ever come clean up after you should you get sick. Just sayin'.)

Not wanting to be left out, Jackson joined Vomitopia this afternoon. I haven't seen Austin or Savannah all week. I think they've been hiding in their rooms, going to and from school via their windows. Smart kids. I leave for California on Tuesday. My parents may or may not come watch my kids for me at this point.

I did fourteen loads of laundry today because I did nothing but cry in misery from my fever and achiness, sleep and um, run to the bathroom the past two days. I've gone over every surface in the house with antibacterial wipes. I've used so many cans of Lysol, everything has a nice, glossy coating now. When I get back, I'll be listing the place for sale. Unless, of course, I get the report that the kids are still sick, in which case, I'm staying in California until spring.

And when I logged on my computer tonight to tell me tale of horrible sickness, I was greeted with a headline that there's a cholera outbreak in Haiti that has left 250 people dead so far.

People often say to me, "How do you do it? You have it so hard."

I don't have it hard. And even when I delude myself into thinking I do, I'm reminded that there's always, always someone out there who has it worse. So, tonight, I'm saying something that you probably never thought you'd hear me say. "Thank God for simple viruses that only last 48 hours."

The One With All the Texts

I ran around with my four youngest kids today. They had the day off school for teacher conferences, but my teens still had to attend. (We do things stupid here in Illinois. The grade schools and high schools are in different districts with different schedules. Yeah, I know - stupid.)

So, I shopped as quickly as I could, then cruised home just in time to make it over to the junior high to meet with Jackson's teachers. Unfortunately, we didn't have the chance to make it to all his classrooms before we had to hightail it to the grade school to meet with Lexi's and Clay's teachers. Jackson was upset because he'd wanted to go to the book fair set up in the library after his conferences. I just didn't have time. I drove home as fast as I could, dropped off Jax, scooped up Lex and Clay, and headed to the grade school.

No sooner had I sat down to talk to Lexi's teacher, then my phone started vibrating. I glanced at my phone and saw it was Jackson calling me. Jackson calls me to say really important stuff like, "Austin's being mean to me", "Can I have some Coke?", "Can I go to Johnny's house?", and "My nose hurts." I ignored the call. He called again. And again. And then he started texting me.

I looked at my phone.

Brooklyn threw up.

Lexi's teacher looked questioningly at me. "Jackson just texted me that Brooklyn threw up," I explained.

"Oh, do you need to leave now?" she asked.

"Hell no! Are you kidding? I've got a kid THROWING UP at home! I'm staying out all night! Did I just say that out loud? What I meant to say was that yeah, I should probably head home as soon as possible."

Jackson continued to text me.

Mom, Brooklyn threw up.

Gee, I can't imagine why. Brooklyn came home from school with a plastic harmonica a couple days ago. She let Clay (who had been up all night throwing up) play with it. Then she took it back and put it in her mouth. I saw the whole thing unfold in slow motion. As she lifted the harmonica to her lips, I ran toward her, shouting, "Noooooooooooo". Too late.

I texted Jackson back.

Great. Well, I can't do anything about it now.

Mom, Brooklyn threw up.

Well, what do I do?

Austin is being a jerk and he's not helping and he punched me.

I'm sorry, but I still can't do anything right now. I'll be home as soon as I can.

I was hurrying from class to class, trying to meet with all the teachers who work with my kids.

Come on! She's throwing up even more!

Well, you can hurry up. Come on!

She's crying and throwing up still. Please hurry.

Come on. Hurry up! Austin is not doing anything.

I'm also going to be late for football. What's taking you so long?

Come on.

Now, keep in mind, all those texts came through within twenty minutes. For twenty minutes I tried to concentrate on what four teachers were saying all while wondering how I could get out of going home for the rest of the night I could be back at the book fair with Jackson, at Clay's and Lex's conferences, driving Jackson to football, and at home, making dinner and comforting Brooklyn who was sick.

Times like these make my stomach tighten in a knot. My stress level rises. I'm reminded that no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to do everything. I'll never be able to juggle everything. I'll never be able to be in all places at once. But since their dad hasn't bothered to spend time with the kids since Christmas eve, it's all up to me. So I juggle. And I try. And I drop the ball regularly. But I get back up and I trust in God to care for us. I may not ever be in control, but He is.

Now if I could just get someone to clean up the barf because Lexi is crying that her tummy hurts now...

My Teen Formerly Known as Austin

As I was sitting at my computer, staring at a blank screen, waiting for inspiration, I updated my Facebook status. "I hate when I stare at my computer screen and my fingers don't automatically start typing the brilliance that's in my head."

It's true. I always have awesome stories in my head, but when I go to write them down, the lure of solitaire or mahjong pulls me away. Sometimes I'm too distracted by the to-do list that plays a never-ending, continuous loop in my brain. Oftentimes, I'm too busy doing mom-stuff like reading to the kids, helping with them with their homework, driving them here and there, signing papers, cooking, cleaning, laundry, blah, blah, blah and can't sit down for more than five minutes at a time. But most of the time, I just have a hard time getting started.

So, tonight as I sat staring at my blank screen, Facebook called me to play. After I updated my status, Austin commented on it, "maybe because you have a cookie in your hand :D"

Okay, so yeah, I had a cookie in my hand, but he didn't have to write it on my wall, for goodness sake! I mean, isn't there some kind of etiquette for these things? Everyone was supposed to think I was a tortured artist waiting for inspiration, not that I was too busy stuffing my face with pizzelles to type.

Austin and I continued our conversation on my Facebook wall. I told him, "Be quiet and do your homework, Aj. He said that wasn't his name. He's changed it. It's now La'Taniana'Bo'Vanashrianiqualiquanice. (He should have fun trying to fit that on his driver's license.)

We exchanged barbs online as I sat at my desk writing and he sat a couple feet away on my bed, working on his homework. And you know what? I loved it. He could've worked in his room. He could've hung out in the family room, researching. He chose to hang out with me for a bit. Now I know he's a teen and as such, prefers the company of his friends to dear ole mom, but still there are those times when he'll come by me, plop down, and just chat. Sometimes we don't even talk. We'll just hang out. Other times, he'll make fun of me on Facebook. And it's all good. Keeping those lines of communication open is SO important even as our kids get older. Especially as our kids get older. Keep talking to them. And, maybe even more importantly, listen to them. They might just surprise you with what they have to say. I mean, I had no idea my son, La'Taniana'Bo'Vanashrianiqualiquanice had been working so far ahead in his first year Japanese class that he'd already learned twenty Kanji. Of course, I also didn't know he'd changed his name to La'Taniana'Bo'Vanashrianiqualiquanice. See? Talking to your kids opens whole new worlds of information!

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Take a minute to enter my drawing for a $100 Visa gift card from Kellogg's and BlogHer HERE.

Read about my awesome Pop-Tarts Pumpkin Pie and enter to win a $100 Visa gift card from BlogHer HERE.

And read my latest blog post about teens and money HERE.

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The Girl Who Came to Dinner

Lexi asked me if her friend, Brooke, could stay for dinner tonight. Ordinarily, my response is, "Sure! The more, the merrier." However, Brooke had never eaten over here before. She only has one brother who is twenty years old. I glanced at Clay who was supposed to be setting the table. He had a stack of plates on his head and he was purposely walking into the wall.

"Are you sure you want to have Brooke stay? Maybe she should leave now while she's still sane."

"What, Mom?"

"I said, maybe she should leave now before it rains."

Brooke ended up staying, but I don't think she was prepared for the insanity chaos lively dinner conversation that goes on in this house.

After taking a bite of his pizza, Clay jumped down from the table, ran to the garbage can, spit his mouthful of pizza in the trash and exclaimed, "This tastes like a raccoon!" I don't know where Clay's been eating lately, but I'm pretty sure raccoon's never been on the menu at my house.

This made Lexi's friend crack up. Because my kids had a captive audience (Really, we tied her up so she wouldn't run away, screaming.), they took this opportunity to act like barbarians show off um, entertain her.

Lexi's friend, Brooke, was talking, telling us how she scraped her arm. She'd been hiding behind a tree, waiting to jump out and scare Lex and Clay. When she jumped from behind the tree, she scratched her arm on the trunk. Brooke continued, "My mom says that's karma."

Clay asked, "What's karma?"

Brooke started to explain. "Karma is when you do good things and good things happen to you. And when you do something bad, bad things happen to you."

Austin knew what she was talking about, but feigned ignorance just to be a pain tease her. "What? You get caramel if you do something good?" he asked.

"Not caramel," Brooke corrected him, "karma!"

"Ohhhh," Austin said as if he understood her now. "Caramel. So, if I do something good, will you give me caramel?"

"No!" Brooke squealed.

Clay piped up. "What's caramel?"

"Have you ever had a Twix bar? It's what's inside. Caramel," she explained.

"I'm going to do something good so I can get some caramel!" Clay said excitedly.

I sat there, shaking my head at my sons who were purposely teasing Lexi's poor friend. "I'll tell you what karma is, boys. It's when you tease a little girl and you don't get to watch TV for a week."

"Ohhhh, that kind of karma!" they said, finally enlightened.

Meanwhile, Brooklyn was taking us on a trip to the zoo with assorted animal impressions. "Baaa baaaa."

I noticed that something was written on the inside of Savannah's wrist. It looked like a tattoo. "What's on your wrist?" I asked.

"It says love". Savannah held up her arm for me to see.

"Interesting. So, who do you love?" I asked.

"No one!" Savannah insisted.

"What? You don't even love me?" I inquired, all sad-like.

Lexi jumped up and said, "I love you, Mom! I love you more than hot chocolate!" (Everyone knows that's the highest honor, of course.)

Clay started singing. "Sail, sail, sail three ships, gently on the sea!"

Brooklyn interrupted. "We learned a song at school! There are witches in the air...

"...the Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria..."

"...on Halloween night..."

Lexi joined in the sing-along. "Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now I need..."

"...count them, one, two, three."

"...Boo!"

Brooke looked from person to person and declared, "Your family disturbs me."

I don't think she'll be coming back for a while.

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