I Might Need Some Help with my Resume

Like a broken record, I repeatedly tell my kids to . . .

A. get good grades

B. go to college

C. get a good job

D. marry rich

. . . and do it in that order.

 I’ve been looking for a seasonal job since I don’t work at or get paid from the school during the summer break when kids aren’t in attendance. I didn’t go to college so my options are limited to summer jobs that pay minimum wage. Perfect for a teenager. Not so perfect for a single mom trying to support a family of 7. Still, you gotta do what you gotta do, so I started filling out applications. Almost all of them required me to upload a resume. I don’t have a resume. I don’t think I’ve ever made a resume. How do you write a resume???

I searched online for templates and chose a simple-looking one. Okay, now to fill it out.

CONTACT INFORMATION:  Piece of cake! 

Dawn Meehan, address, phone number, dawn@dawnmeehan.com

JOB OBJECTIVE:  To make enough money to pay my bills while doing pretty much anything (as long as my responsibilities don't include cleaning up puke.) Perhaps I could be paid for surfing Pinterest? 

To make a 6 figure income doing something I don’t hate.

EDUCATION:  Well, I didn’t go to college. Should I list high school? That was a million years ago. It looks pretty empty with just high school there. How about junior high and grade school? That’s probably not really relevant to my current job search, huh? How closely do you think they check these things? 

Harvard University, class of 1992

EMPLOYMENT HISTORY:  Hmmmm, how to describe my current job?

OCPS Middle School. Duties include nagging lazy kids to do their freaking work, listening to excuses as to why students are tardy, trying to decipher writing that looks like it was done by trained monkeys, listening to students complain "Why I gotta do this? My teacher be trippin'. I been done this", and endlessly explaining why it’s important to get a good education to kids who think it's pointless to go to school.

SKILLS AND ABILITIES: I can type 75 wpm. That's not very much to write, is it? I'm sure I can think of a few more skills. Hmmm, let's see . . .

I can communicate without sounding like a moron, I can juggle lots of stuff, I can use (and have a sizeable following in) social media including Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, and Facebook, I can read music, I can put medicine on a squirming Guinea Pig, I can hit my snooze a dozen times, wake up late, and still get to work on time, I can name all the states in alphabetical order, I can quote any episode from The Office, Seinfeld, or Friends, and I can balance a spoon on my nose.

ACTIVITIES AND HONORS:  I don't have time for activities and I haven't done anything worth honoring. What can I come up with so this section isn't completely blank?

I'm the team mom for my daughter's cheer squad, I got a first place medal for a duet I sang in 8th grade, I won a Young Authors Contest in 5th grade, and I’m on level 244 of Candy Crush.

REFERENCES AVAILABLE UPON REQUEST. Boy, I sure hope they don’t request.

I can see my prospective employers right now.

“I know she doesn’t have a degree in business, nor does she have any experience, but I want to hire her for the manager position simply because she is capable of putting medicine on a squirming Guinea Pig!”

“Well, she may not have gone to medical school, but I think we should hire her for the Chief of Surgery position based solely on her Candy Crush accomplishments!”

I may need to do a little more editing.