New Bullet-Proof Paper Makes Standardized Tests a Joy!

Savannah is learning about satire in her English class. I'm so proud of her example of satire. I've taught my kids well!

     West Orange High School is planning a new and improved standardized testing for the upcoming school year.  The department of Published Paper, DPP, has come up with an astonishing new material to replace paper.  It is literally bullet proof.  While students are testing they will be able to withstand a blast from a hydrogen bomb (if they cover themselves completely with the test).  Founders of the DPP have discovered an endangered tree in Greenland, which grows wood stronger than a brick wall.  They have been able to process this wood into thin sheets of paper just for school testing packets.  Government officials know how important it is for students to have the best paper in the world.  Alan Parkins, Director of Paper and Paper-Related Products Like Staples, but not Markers at DPP is excited about the new discovery. “This is the biggest invention in the paper industry since we stopped drawing on cave walls and started pounding papyrus!”

                 With this new paper, teachers no long have to give instruction.  All they have to do is give out tests, and the children love it!  Sophomore Damon Farren says, “I love these new tests!  I don’t ever have to worry about getting hurt from any dangers that I may encounter at school. With this new “cut-free” designed paper, there will be no more unnecessary trips to the hospital. Ms. Goldblum, teacher at West Orange High School is elated. “Last year, I sustained a paper cut while administering a benchmark exam and was on workman’s comp. for 8 weeks while I healed.” This new paper will save the school district untold millions in health-related costs.

Children around the world will finally be able to test at ease knowing that their paper could survive a nuclear holocaust.