Hello?

I’m so fed up with telemarketers. I hate them. Hate. I wish evil things upon them. I know I’m going to get emails from people defending telemarketers, saying, “They’re people too. This is their job.” My response? “I’m people too. And it’s my job to mess with them.”

Honestly, I generally just give a slightly irritated, “No thanks” to a telemarketer’s questions. But last night, I’d had just one too many annoying calls. Ticked off that I’d gotten off my butt to answer the phone, only to hear, “Can I talk to Mr. or Mrs. Mayhon?”, I felt compelled to take out my wrath on the caller.

“This is,” I replied.

“Mrs. Mayhon?”

“Close enough.”

“How are you doing this evening?”

“I was doing fine until I got your stupid call.”

“Oh. Um, well, the reason I’m calling is to welcome you to the neighborhood.”

“Thanks?”

“Are you settling in okay?”

“Well, I have some boxes left to unpack. I think I’d like to do some repainting, but I really hate painting and honestly, I can’t afford to mess around with that right now. The yard is looking a lot better than it did when I first moved in. Well, except for the abundance of fruit snack wrappers my kids have left on the lawn. Why do kids do that? I mean the garbage can is just a few feet away! I’d also like to fix the . . .”

“Ma’am, the reason I’m calling is to schedule an appointment so I can come out and drop off your welcome present.”

“You just cut me off. I thought you wanted to know how I was settling in. Or was that just a rhetorical question?”

“Ummm. Uhhh, is there a good time when you and your husband would be available?”

Well, my EX-husband is living somewhere in Chicago, last I heard. If you track him down though, tell him he owes me a lot of money. I suggest you start looking for him in the bars and strip clubs.”

Then the line went dead. I went back to the couch, feeling a little bit better about wasting my time on a telemarketing call.

Until the phone rang again.

“Hello?”

“Hello. Is this Ms. Meachan?”

“Why yes, yes it is! I just spell it like M-E-E-H-A-N to throw people off.”

“Oh, um, well, I’m calling to let you know that you’ve won a free month’s of security monitoring from (company name).”

“Oh boy! A free month! Ohmygosh! I never win anything! I’m so excited! I have to call my friends! Woooooo!!!!!”

“Yes, well, when would a good time be for me to come out and set up your monitoring system?”

“Ooooo, can you come out now? I really need to run some errands. You can babysit my six kids while you’re here. I should be back in about four or five hours, okay?”

“Um, you have to be present, ma’am.”

“What kind of babysitting service is this?” I demanded, outraged.

“This isn’t a babysitting service”, the confused telemarketer stammered.

“Oh, I must have the wrong number.  Sorry,” I said right before I hung up.


I can’t wait for the next call.