House for Sale

I've only had four showings for my house since I listed it despite my parents' efforts in burying the now zombified St. Joseph statue in my yard. I decided the lack of interest has nothing to do with the economy or the real estate market. It's simply because my listing description is far too dull. See what I mean?

This is the best 4 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 ½ car garage, ranch home for the price in town. New roof, new 95% efficient furnace, new thermo windows, siding, and doors, new electric panel (circuit breakers), remodeled bathrooms including Jacuzzi tub, tile floors, and fixtures, newer water heater. Large patio, nice wood playground set, storage shed, heated 2 ½ car detached garage, kitchen pantry closet, refrigerator with ice maker, washer, dryer, stove/oven, microwave, and dishwasher all included.

Dull. Realtors really shouldn't be allowed to write those. Writers should write them. So, here is my new and improved listing. Doesn't it make you want to buy my house?

I, with my new husband, moved into this house nineteen years ago. We figured we’d stay in the cute little house for a couple years until we started having kids at which point, we’d move to something a little larger. You know what they say about “best-laid plans”? No, really, do you know what they say? I can’t remember the saying. I think it goes like this, “Don’t make plans or God will laugh at you and show you His plans which are never anything like yours.” Or something like that. Anyway, we ended up having six kids and staying in this same little house. We were cozy (which is a nice way of saying we were packed in like sardines), but it made us a close family. A few times, over the years, we toyed with the idea of moving out of Chicagoland to where we could get a larger house for less money, but we always decided that we loved our town too much to move. We have roots here. Our friends and family are here. We have great schools and a fantastic park district here. Everything you could want is a stone’s throw away. And the incredible city of Chicago with everything it has to offer is a quick train ride downtown.

Why am I moving now, you ask? To make a long story short, I'm now divorced and despite the fact that our judgment for divorce clearly states that my ex needs to provide child support and health insurance for my kids, he’s interpreted that notsomuch as an obligation, but as an optional element to the agreement.

Sooo, although I love my home and my town, I was forced to find someplace more affordable to live, along with a job that includes medical benefits. It’s all good though because I did indeed find a cheaper house and a job in Orlando. It's a great house and I suppose, in time, I can even get used to all the rednecks down there. Seriously, you know those People of Walmart pictures? I’m pretty sure they’re all taken there! On the bright side, I’ll probably have the most teeth out of everyone in my subdivision. Kidding! Just kidding. Mostly kidding.

But my house here is in walking distance to preschool, grade school, middle school, high school, community pool, and many playgrounds/parks. Shopping, library, and park district buildings are all super-close. Located in a nice, quiet, well-established neighborhood. One neighbor flies her “W” flag year-round which is undoubtedly jinxing the Cubs, and another neighbor likes to mow his lawn while wearing short-shorts (he really, really shouldn’t ), but other than that, the neighbors are great. Chicago is just a short hop down the Kennedy. We have the Cubs (and that other team), the Hawks, Lou Malnati’s pizza, Garrett’s popcorn, the Sears Tower, Lake Michigan, museums, restaurants, and Oprah. Yeah, so she doesn’t do the show anymore, but you could probably stalk her anyway. The weather is absolutely, perfectly gorgeous at least twelve or thirteen days a year. We get a little (cough cough ton) of snow, but I’ve never, in all my 41 years, seen a snake, an alligator, or a bug as big as a Buick.

And the best part about owning this home is that it’ll be a priceless landmark someday. You know, since I’m going to be famous when I grow up. Stop laughing. It’s true! I’m telling you, this house will be worth some serious money one day because of the whole fame factor. Oh yeah, and I'll throw in a possibly possessed statue of St. Joseph for free.