Top Ten Things to do Before the World Ends

I started thinking about all the crazies people running around, sure that the world is going to end tomorrow, and I laughed. I personally don’t care when the world ends. I figure I won’t have to clean my house anymore, so it’s all good in my book. However, it got me thinking. If God whispered in your ear and gave you a little inside information on the scheduled apocalypse, what would you do with your last day on earth? I’ve made up a top ten list for this very reason. I don’t want anyone missing out on any pre-rapture fun, so I’m generously sharing with you. Enjoy!

10. Change your answering machine message to, “You’ve reached [insert name]. I can’t answer the phone because I’ve been taken away in the rapture. If you’re calling me, apparently you were left behind. Hahahahahaha! I mean, ahem, repent and be saved.


9. Run with scissors.

8. Eat a last meal of deep-fried butter sticks, chicken-fried lard, sugar-coated pixie sticks, and chocolate-covered Twinkies. Wash it down with a bottle of rum. Cholesterol schmesterol, you’ll be long gone before your arteries completely close.

7. Don’t separate your whites, delicates, and darks when doing laundry. Heck, don’t do laundry at all! Let it all pile up. The unsaved looters can worry about washing it.

6. Play REM’s It’s the End of the World as We Know It over a loudspeaker as you drive around town, warning people.

5. Tell your boss he’s an idiot and you’d rather work for a baboon than him. Then walk out the door (after stealing a stapler or something).

4. Go to a furniture store and remove all the tags from the mattresses while laughing maniacally. The laughing part is optional, but it really adds to the fun.

3. Streak around the bases at a Cubs game. It’ll be the most exciting thing that happens on the field all year.

2. Check into a fancy hotel and empty the mini bar. Call housekeeping and ask for more toilet paper every five minutes. Every time she brings another roll, indicate the bathroom and say, “Whew! You do NOT want to go in there! Those $20 macadamia nuts and $10 mini bottles of vodka did a number on my colon!”

1. Hire a hitman to kill your ex. What? You’re just saving the heathen from a painful visit from the four horsemen of the apocalypse. It’s a mercy thing. Really.

***Not responsible for the consequences of these actions if, for some strange reason, the crackpots are wrong, and the world doesn’t actually end tomorrow.***