I didn't mean to sound like a big downer last night. Things are actually pretty good around here. I'm just having a hard time taking care of stuff and working/writing. It's difficult, but not impossible by any means. I'm thankful that I have writing as a source of income even if it means staying up until 3:00 to get any writing done.
I'm not big on chore charts. I've tried them a few times in the past and it just seemed like more of a job for me to make out the charts and check them, than it was worth. As long as I remember to ask the kids to help instead of just expecting them to know what I want, everything gets done without too much complaining. The kids don't complain much either. ;) Actually, after dinner, I was sitting at the table working on my taxes when I noticed Clay picking up the family room. He was straightening the backpacks and picking up pillows. He put DVDs on the shelf and put toys away in his room. He picked up stray pieces of garbage and threw them away. He did this all by himself! He did this without me asking! After falling off my chair in utter disbelief, I
I love the idea of freezing meals though. Duh, why didn't I think of that? I've been telling friends that I'm sick of throwing out food and I need to learn to change my cooking habits. Joe used to eat so much and used to eat leftovers and I don't have that anymore. The kids and I aren't too fond of leftovers, so after dinner, I put whatever food is left in the fridge where it sits for a week and then I throw it out. It's our tradition. From now on, I'll freeze the leftovers immediately and pull them back out in a month and tell the kids, "Huh? Nooo, these aren't leftovers. No, I um, I just made this. Tonight. Just now. Oh, I um, already washed the pots and pans. Just sit down and eat!"
Anyway, I actually have a strange peace about everything. I don't know how to explain it. I just believe that everything will work out in the end. Things may not work out how I envision them, but still, they'll work out. We're hoping to stay in our house, but may end up having to move. I hope that doesn't happen, but if it does, it'll be fine. Something will open up and we'll have a place to live. I have no idea where, but I just believe that something will work out for us. Joe will come around or he won't. I have no control over that. All I'm going to do is make sure my kids know that they are loved unconditionally by me and by God. God is holding us in His palm and He loves us. He'll take care of us and all we have to do is trust and believe in Him.
I was talking to my friends Sue and Dawn the other day. Dawn's husband died very suddenly and unexpectedly leaving her a single mother to five children. Sue's husband has been out of work for a year now. Both friends and I commented that we don't know how people with no faith get by in tough situations like these. How do they hold onto hope? How do they feel joy despite the hardships? How do they feel a sense of calm; a sense of peace; a sense that everything will work out and God will provide even if they can't see the light at the end of the tunnel? I have no idea. I totally believe it's God (with the help of prayer) that has placed this sense of peace in my heart. It's by the grace of God that I go on every day with a smile on my face (well, most of the time anyway), and try to enjoy the day and the gifts and blessings that I have. It's all good. :)
Oh and I don't plan on leaving the blog. Just wanted you guys to know what was going on so you're not surprised if I skip a day or two here and there. You can't get rid of me that easily!
50 comments:
Thank YOU for sharing your faith -- I have often wondered the same thing when we've gone through difficult times. "How would we do this without God?!" Praying for you and your family!
I agree with you .. i don't understand how people of no faith get through things either... thats all i do is pray.. pray that it all works out, and have faith that it will....
Keep strong
Glad you are sticking around :)
I too have experienced a huge trial...we lost a son in a tragic accident at 17 months old. I also do not know how anyone gets through a difficult time without loving the Lord and knowing that he will never "let go" of us.
With love and hope,
Cheryl
We are Nine
Dawn, I just want to say that I'm praying for you and your family.
Peace, and hope the peace keeps on coming and remember that feeling on those overwhelming days. I think we can all relate to that feeling- I know it's sort of permanent here. This is just a stage, and eventually things will get better. I totally agree on the chart thing too. Totally!
I didn't post on the other one but have been thinking about you and hoping all is well. having worked with kids in child welfare I'd say try to get them into counseling to talk about their dad. yes, its nice they can vent to you but its hard on kids to feel like they are in the middle. and if they complain to one parent they start to feel guilty and its hard for that parent to not get angry at the other and then it becomes a vicious cycle because the one complained about says things like "you and your mom are always talking about me" even if things are totally innocent. so...try to get them a neutral third party.
2nd. get one for yourself.
3rd. just recognize you have no control over him.
4th. don't expect anything. I know its not fair. and he is their father. and you both have committments to each other but...people suck. and its much nicer to not expect and just do what you need. e.g., my son's father is a crazy alcoholic. I decided before my son was born I was not having him in my life unless he acknowledged and accepted those two things and worked on them. he didn't. so I said no way to any outside involvement - living far from family its been hard being a single parent. its been sad for me that my son is 28 months old and his father has never seen him. could care less. people always tell me how impressed they are that I do this alone well, I knew I was going to and so had no expectation of anything different. we've developed some friendships here that my son sees as extended family and that is wonderful for both of us but...ultimately I know its just me. makes things easier not having expectations (for the most part).
5th do things for yourself. your kids need to see that you see yourself as worthwhile. its not selfish, its healthy and good.
hope things continue to work out.
I'm losing my house right now and while it sucks, its almost a relief...houses are overwhelming in their care and right now I just need to focus on me and my son.
I can tottaly understand the peace, my situation was a bit different and involved my ex being removed by force from my house when I was 7 weeks preggo with the twins and mom to many at that point. It was a huge weight off my shoulders.
How do some of us do it without faith. I can say my kids there my rock they are what give me the stength to get up er roll my self out of bed in the am, my kids for different reasons never saw him again after that traumatic day (I do know you situation is different) when they did ask I would remind them it wasn't there fault they dind't see him and didnt blame him ever I told them it wasn't his fault but his actions it took a long time for them to understand this but now 18 months almost to the day it isn't a daily disscusion in our house.
Bringing home the twins was a huge adjustment we learned to cope then live, and now life goes with the flow, my big kids now they have to help out and just started here and there like Clay did.
Meals I do the cook and freeze thing all the time. I didn't prior to major surgery 2 weeks ago and were getting by. I don't normally ever ask for help but I had to this time and people actually steped up the small things have helped so much in the last 2 weeks.
When I need a good laugh I open my mouse pad aka your book(works great as a mosue pad to! and have a really good laugh!) Some days I wonder how I wil get through till bedtime but I do and so will you.
What I was taught from my youngest twin and that I will never forget is it isn't courage that gets you through the rough times its your STRENGTH that will move mountains!
Gotta run love from all of us
I am a person of "no faith". I am not an atheist, I am an agnostic at best. Tough times are tough for everyone - but everyone has different coping mechanisms.
I have turned to family and friends, myths and legends, and the overwhelming human emotion of hope and stubbornness. Sometimes it was the knowledge that I could pull myself out of something, I just had to keep going, and things would change. Sometimes it was knowing that things always change, no matter what... sometimes it was just loving someone so much, I knew we would make it work.
As for Joe not seeing the kids - my parents divorced when I was 16, and my mother and I ended up estranged for nearly 2 1/2 years - mostly because she was abusive.
There really isn't anything I would suggest you do, other than what you are doing. But maybe you should mention to Joe or someone he is close to that the kids love him, and they are not part of what is between you - they are simply his kids, and they need him in this difficult time. Heck, it might help him out to have some "normal" dad moments.
BIG hugs to you. <3 It's good to know that you feel at peace with things and that you know what you're doing. Makes me smile just reading your entry tonight. Awesome, Dawn. That's what you are. :)
We non-religious people cope OK too - why shouldn't we believe everything works out in the end, even though we don't have religion? People normally cope with what's put upon them in their own way.
No way am I leaving your blog btw, keep up the good work (with or without help from your God ;)
Dawn
Sometimes things happen for the best, even though when it happens it doesn't feel like it. Someday you look back and you realise you're happier and somehow it just all makes sense. Unfortunately I have no magic answer about Joe not seeing the kids, maybe talking to his parents may help?
And I don't have a faith like you, although I do sometimes envy people who do. I got through it with the help of some very good friends. They mopped up my tears, they would give me strength when I needed it, they would let me know when I was just being ridiculous, they made me laugh and made me feel very loved. Sounds like you've got friends like this too.
Hang in there Dawn, it might seem like it's hard but it does get better.
When my ex-husband left me he didn't get in contact with his children for three months, I could explain that away to the youngest one, but it left an indelible mark on the eldest.
And to this day, some 15 years later their relationship is still strained. He missed so much when they were kids, I dont know if he did it prove a point or what, all I know is that he is still paying for that neglect.
It hurts no one but the kids.
Dawn,
I wanted to respond to your comment about people without faith in God getting through tough situations.
I have faith in myself and the people who surround me. I went through a very serious illness, where I came very close to death and had a long, difficult recovery, and was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support from my friends and family. I believe in God, but believe that humans make our own destiny. The love of friends and family was enough to support me whenever I needed a boost.
I think it's wonderful that your faith is strong enough to carry you. I don't have that kind of faith, but that works for me, so it's all good. :)
Firstly, never apologize for being real. :) You weren't being a "downer", just honest. We need that. Otherwise some of us (ahem) might be tempted to put you on a pedastel.
Amen to God giving you peace and seeing you through this. I don't know how others do it either. I've never been married but I have friends that are and one that's divorced and her faith saw her through as well. Another struggles in a hard marriage and puts each foot in front of the other with God's strength (and lots of prayer in both cases).
You continue to hold onto your faith, no matter what assaults may come to it...stay involved in church and that can be your "unchangable" in your ever-changing world. Will continue to pray for your family. :)
Frozen leftovers most definitely negate the "leftover" status of all meals!
You seem to have such a practical and positive outlook on things. We're praying that life brings you peace as you deal with the hard schtuff life throws at you.
A sense of peace in times of trouble happens just as well to the godless. We simply trust in our own abilities and resilience.
Humans generally feel whatever they feel, then justify those feelings with the belief structure they have.
I can only speak for myself, but I get along without religion quite easily. You may draw a source of comfort from believing in a higher power, but I have the exact opposite - I don't believe in a guy in the sky, "fate", Athena, or Allah. When something bad happens - for example, my brother died about 5 years ago - I can approach it from a "shit happens" standpoint. "Ugh...that was horrible. That sucks. Wow." (let myself wallow), then it's time to move on. No one to blame, no controlling the universe. I just accept that bad things happen to everyone - death, divorce, illness - and move on. It's a very empowering feeling, not worrying about what I did to piss off a deity or earn bad karma. I just accept the bad thing, and move on.
I know you didn't ask about this part, but I think it's worth saying as well: the reverse is true, too. When something good happens - when I met my husband, when I graduated college, when my friends do nice things for me - I don't think "thank you god!". I think about what I may have done to earn/deserve the nice thing, or what others have done for me. I think about how it was *good* I followed my high school boyfriend to college because it let me meet my husband. I think about all the hard work I put in, in college, to graduate. I think about my friends' kind natures and how much I appreciate them.
Without having a default source of pain/happiness to fall back on, I'm forced to examine the roots of every situation, which leads to a greater understanding of myself and the world around me. That makes me feel very secure and happy - I can't always control the bad things, but they're nothing that millions of other people haven't lived through, too. I can't force good things to happen, so I'm all the more grateful to the source (be it myself, my parents, my friends, etc...) when they do occur.
Hope that explains it a bit :-)
Dawn, I've said the same thing to friends that you have~I have no idea how people without faith get through the hard times. What do they cling to? where do they get their hope?
I just know I'm glad I have my God to cling to in the hard times, otherwise, I'm not sure how I would have made it through!
Grace finds beauty. Your grace under pressure and faith will see you all through. Best wishes...
Dawn - your faith is so inspiring! I went through a divorce a few years ago with 3 children. Let me say it was by far the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life! And you're right, if I didn't have my faith, I wouldn't have survived! Since then I have met and married the man of my dreams - he is my true soul mate. So there is light after the darknes..just keep praying. And please know that there are so many of us out here praying for you and your children as well. I'm even praying Joe comes around. Good luck to you all and God Bless!!
Usually I am a lurker not a commenter but I just couldn't not today. My heart is breaking for you that this has happened in your life but I am also is awe of your attitude and faith. Keep strong and keep praying and all will turn out in the end.
My sister has been through a lot of what you are in the middle of right now -- 6 kids, a divorce and a uninvolved ex husband. She has since put herself through school and is now in a house she bought and is living life with her 6 great kids!
PS I have NO idea how someone deals with this kind of stuff with out faith in God. NO IDEA AT ALL!!!
I'm relieved to know that everyone is coping well. It sucks, but your faith will guide you through.
I am amazed, however, at the amount of people who don't seem to have faith in their lives. I think it's wonderful that they can make peace with whatever their circumstances may be, but the peace that you have, the peace that passes understanding, that ONLY comes through a close relationship with God. I feel a kind of sorrow for those who think they are truly experiencing peace without that relationship. I'm not judging. My heart just aches for them and the peace that they are truly missing out on.
I am an agnostic. I believe everyone is entitled to their own personal belief system, so I don't believe that I'm right and you are wrong.
That said, I have faith in ME. I endured a horrible trial several years ago that could easily have broken me. It didn't. I just found out how strong *I* am, and now I know that *I* can handle ANYTHING the Universe throws at me.
I am not afraid of anything. I believe in myself!
Cheers!
Dawn, This is the first time I have ever left a comment and I felt compeled because I really & truely belive that YES God will give you comfort and help you through this situation.
I read your blog because you shows us every day how God has helped you physically, emotional and fiancially. We can see God working through you.
I have faith in myself, and I know I will do whatever it takes to make sure my daughter and I are okay.
Glad you aren't dropping the blog! I enjoy all your little stories and rants and such:)) I'm glad you have the faith to get through all that you do. Can't wait to see the new book.
I am an atheist and I believe in myself and my family. I never would tell anyone to believe the way I do, and if you need to believe in god to get through that thats what you need. I know everything will work out for you and the kids. People are very adaptable. I love the humor in which you look at the world (and your kids). Good luck!
I'm behind you 1000% girl! Keep it up! I might have to seriously start looking into that faith thing too. I can use all the help I can get! You're in my prayers. Jenn
I work at home also, and although I don't have six kids, I do have a Clay. I love her dearly and wouldn't change her for the world, but I find getting my work done at home works best if I plan out my work so that I am working while she is otherwise occupied (and sometimes I plan to do it while she is sleeping). Sometimes I procrastinate doing my work, and when I end up working when she is not occupied I get totally stressed out at her and myslef - not fair to either!!!! Hang in there!!!!
Hi Dawn yes going through divorce is hard but when it's for the best you do find a peace. One thing you can do also along the same lines of freezing leftovers is to pick a day on the weekend and make a few meals ahead of time. Make 2 lasagna's instead of 1 type of thing. I too went with my faith during the divorce and I found my prince charming and this May will be 10 yrs married. Keep the faith it will get better, easier and you'll be amazed at your own strength.
I consider myself a spiritual Humanist, you can google it if you don't know what it is. I honestly feel uncomfortable putting all my my problems, hopes, fears and faith in a "God". I guess I'll find out for sure one day when I pass on, but until then, I believe in myself, my family, my friends and the spiritual goodness of most humans. That being said, I also think that people should be able believe what ever they like, as long as they don't push it other people. Best of luck, do whatever works for you!
I can relate to your sense of peace, 6 years ago my then husband and I seperated it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I spent so much time trying to please him I felt as though I was constantly walking on eggshells. It was emotionally exhausting and toward the end of our marriage I was on anti depressants. The day he moved out was the last day I ever took them again. The support I gave was never enough and everything was my fault or someone elses. I now know that this is common for those with addiction problems. I hated telling to our son that daddy wasn't feeling well especially since it was self inflicted. The best you can do is be there for you kids and let them know they are loved not just by you but there are many people in their lives that love them. I try to spend as much time as possible with my son to make up for the time his father doesn't because he is having problems with his wife or he has to attend a "meeting" now that he is in AA. I understand he needs the support of those going through "the program" however to me nothing can compare to spending time with your child it truly does the heart good so if you drop one of the balls you are juggling it's ok as long as it's not the kids they are the most important. Hopefully one day Joe will realize it before it's too late.
A few year after our divorce I met and married a wonderful man who loves me and my son. He has been a great role model and loving step father. Two years ago we added a daughter to our family and our lives couldn't be much better.
I sometimes wonder that too. Like how do people get through tough situations without going crazy? Or I look back on my life and wonder how I went through that and came out on the other side all better? I remember those times (you know, those moments where you feel like screaming and crying all at the same time because it's just too much?) and I'm like...I have no idea how I got through that, but I am sure it was not me, but it was God helping me. That is why I always try to trust Him in all, and if things go out of control, I cling to Him, hoping and waiting for a better outcome at the end. I am happy that you feel peaceful and that you're not leaving altogether.
Um, Joe? If you're reading this, you need to be a dad to your kids. THIS IS NOT THEIR FAULT, and they shouldn't have to pay for it. Go ahead and be hurt and angry, but not to the detriment of your children.
FAITH indeed ! It can build mountains...and it will ! I don't know how I would have survived the death of my 14 yr old son had it not been for FAITH ! Hang in there....yes, you will be fine!
Mona
You got some strong bootstraps girl! Good for you.
No matter what happens, hold on to your faith. I know you don't need to hear that because your faith is very strong, but I felt the need to say it. God will stand by you always AND He will carry you when you need Him to.
Hang in there -- you're a smart, strong woman and I want to be just like you when I grow up! ;o)
((hugs))
Donna in PA :)
Dawn, keep the faith. I know it must be hard. My advice to you would be to ask for help. Call some other mother who has a child going to confirmation class and ask her to pick up yours, have the friend's parents drive your son to visit. People are all willing to help but most need to be asked. They don't know what you would like for them to do. I know that when I ask for something the answer will be either yes or no or at times, maybe. So I am prepared for whatever the answer is. See if your mother or sister would come just one afternoon a week for an hour or so for you to catch up.
As for chore charts, I don't think they work when you assign chores. BUT a list of all the things that need to be done could be posted and the kids could be told that you would appreciate it if they could do a few of them for you. Have them sign when they have done the job. When they see how much has to be done they will realize that all must help. And they will probably get into a contest to see who can sign off the most.
Bless your heart, as we say in the south. Things will get better.
Dianne
I could not agree with you more regarding that peaceful feeling. I often feel like that when the rest of the world is worrying about "the end of the world". God is in control and nothing is more comforting than that.
I wish your family only the very best and will pray for you. Hang in there Dawn!!
Leftovers, what are those? It's pre-cooked food, that's all! Isn't that the same thing sold in the frozen food isle? I love frozen dinner night- saves tons of time, and I spend that extra time w/ the kids on a game or homework.
I purposely double recipes now, and freeze half. Chile, beef stroganoff (add sour cream later), spaghetti sauce, desserts we're tired of-preslice and freeze in little zipbags and toss into backpacks/ thaw by snacktime!(cake freezes great, and is quite a treat when there's no snacks in the cupboard).
Well, looks like you've had enough advice from many people. Keep hanging in there, one foot in front of the other, and do try to get more sleep- this advice from a night owl herself, as each extra hour helps you be more productive the next day. It's super hard giving up that quiet of the night, I know, but the calm the next day is worth it.
God bless and keep you & yours!
Dawn, I admire you so much..what you've done, how you've done it, all your accomplishments...least of all your kids! I always say that my 6 kids are my greatest life achievements...and I did it essentially alone.
About the chore thing...I tried (this is years ago) the chore list, the chart, the check marks, the stars ad nauseum. Then I hit upon the "one day-one kid" system. One kid is responsible for all designated chores for the whole day....and then gets 5 days OFF! I met with some static at first, and then every kid just loved it.. they planned around "their day", traded days etc. And if something didn't get done, I didn't have to go through 6 kids to figure out which one was responsible for which chore. It worked for me...
Keep on keeping on...one day at a time. It will get easier and calmer and happier and better. I think about you and send prayers...
Dawn, I really admire your strengh during this difficult time. Although I look forward to reading your blog every day, we all understand that family comes first. I am just thankful that your Pokemon story led me to you. I've been following you for about 4years now. I just wanted to thank you for being a bright spot in my day.
Hi Dawn,
I appreciate that you put the comments of those who have faith in God and as well as those who have other beliefs. You have always struck me as an eminently fair person, and this is proof of that.
By the way, my beliefs are the same as Mamapajama's. And I think that the world functions best when people aren't trying to push their believs on others.
Dawn,
Glad you aren't leaving the blog :) But making sure the kid-ball isn't dropped is way more important and we understand! My husband just got back from his 2nd deployment. I can tell you that sometimes it's a minute-by-minute thing. Day-by-day is too long at times. You just have to keep taking it as it comes, to cherish each special moment that you have (especially with your kids), and stay in touch with who YOU are. Don't get lost in the busy schedule of things. Take a little time for yourself, even if that means you have to lock the bathroom door and read a funny magazine article or play some video game or whatever fifteen minutes of de-stressing would be for you (in a locked bathroom or otherwise!). I pray that you remember through the stress and difficulty of it all that God loves you as well as your children, and He is with you always.
Dawn, I am sitting here crying as I read your blog. You have described everything that I am feeling after my husband left suddenly before Christmas. The peace is what most people don't understand. It's good to know that someone else "gets it." Thanks for all you laughs.
My prayers are with you and your family. Hugs
What a sweetheart Clay is! That was straight from the heart. I agree that having God in your life makes getting through tough times much easier. Losing our daughter was the most horrific thing that I have ever had to endure, and I know that I am able to stand it only with God's help. (By the way, I found the Twinkle Heart bracelet that you tried to help me find a little over a year ago, thanks again.) I will be praying for you and the kids, and that Joe will wake up and realize that his family is the most important thing he has on this earth.
Big Hugs to you and the kids Dawn - Just keep saying to yourself "God won't give me anything He hasn't already equiped me to handle". Sometimes, I just wish He didn't trust in my ability so much. I am a SAHM to 6 kids and wife to a very busy attorney so I handle the house, kids, animals, and everything that goes along with that by myself. As he says, he is funding, I am management. Here's my 2 cents - take the time to really teach your kids how to do a chore properly. Several times. It will save your sanity and time not to have to go behind them doing stuff over. Then if they don't do it right, make them do it again. Leftovers - see what can be put in the freezer and made into something else. I heart my crockpot! A roast in there can be shredded up after to make burritos another night. I made 2 meatloaves the other night and had almost a whole one left - into the freezer it went. I'll pull it out another night, break it apart in a skillet with spaghetti sauce and dump it over pasta - just broken up meatballs. Could also work for a lasagna. The trick with my family is to get the letovers out of sight for another night and transform them into something else. I hope this little bit helps and please know that despite your best intentions, the kids will probably need therapy when they grow up. If mine don't, then I didn't do my job as their mother! LOL
Just chiming in here about how those of us “without faith” cope in difficult situations. I agree with some of the earlier posters about this. My marriage ended in the past year, and I have young children, so I can relate to your situation. I believe there is probably a higher power or creator, but I don’t believe he’s a “micro manager.” I believe he gave us free will, so our destiny is up to us. Although it’s a continuum, those people with more internal locus of control believe that their successes (and failures) are due to their own behaviors and abilities. Those with high external locus of control believe that powerful others (God), fate, or chance primarily determine events. “Externals” tend to feel they have less control over their fate and are more prone to stress and clinical depression. As an analogy, think how much better a child feels knowing he won a game due to his own skill, hard work, talent than if he won strictly due to chance or the fact that someone let him win. I think the same could be said for getting through tough times - I get strength (and peace) in knowing that I dictate my future – that I am responsible for what happens. If you "hand it over to God" then you may be less likely to be proactive. A funny story related to this – after a friend of mine graduated college, he was sitting at home day after day waiting for God to tell him what to do. After a while, his frustrated wife told him, “God called while you were out. He said to get a job!”
Dawn,
I am a working military wife whose husband is on deployment and just recently had to break away from my toxic family, so I'm on my own too!! I have 2 kids and am pregnant with #3 (due the day my husband is due back). The things that I think make it manageable are being REALLY organized, cooking meals the night before, and doing whatever you can the night before so that your mornings go smoothly. I rely heavily on a planner notebook and structure. We also plan a lot of activities to keep our spirits up (play dates, etc). Hope this helps!!
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