I'm Rich!!!

I have a love/hate relationship with my email. For some reason, I can never seem to get my box to under 50 or so. I hate that. I try and try, but for every email I read, it seems like two more come in. I love the fan mail, the questions and comments from readers, and the people who write to share their stories with me. I even love getting offers from companies to check out their latest products and services. I love getting offers to take tours and trips, and to try out the cool products that are out there. But I hate all the time it takes to read and respond to email. And I hate all the spam I get on a daily basis. Wait, actually that's not entirely accurate. I did hate it until I got the idea to turn it into blog fodder. For example, here are a couple of the more, um, interesting emails I received today...

Dear Friend,
With due respect to your person and much sincerity of purpose I make this contact with you as I believe that you can be of great assistance to me. My name is Mr Braun Duka from Ouagadougou Republic of BURKINA FASO, West Africa. Presently i work in the Bank as telex manager. I have been searching for your contact since you left our country some years ago .I do not know whether this is your correct email address or not because I only used your name initials to search for your contact in the internet .

OK, so let me get this straight. You're looking for someone who left your country and after searching the Internet for them by using ONLY THEIR INITIALS, you came to the conclusion that this must be the correct email address? Uh huh. I see. Proceed.

In case you are not the person I am supposed to contact , please see this as a confidential message and do not reveal it to another person but if you are not the intended receiver, do let me know whether you can be of assistance regarding my proposal below because it is top secret.

Certainly. What a great idea to send a "top secret" proposal to someone who may possibly be your intended recipient based on an Internet search of THEIR INITIALS! What could go wrong?

I am about to retire from active Bank service to start a new life but I am sceptical to reveal this particular secret to a stranger . You must assure me that everything will be handled confidentially because we are not going to suffer again in life.

I'm a little "sceptical" of your spelling skills. Hmmm, I'm beginning to think this might not be legitimate.

It has been 10 years now that most of the greedy African Politicians used our bank to Launder money overseas through the help of their Political advisers.

What's with the random capitalization?

Most of the funds which they transferred out of the shores of Africa was gold and oil money that was supposed to have been used to develop the continent. Their Political advisers always inflated the amounts before transfer to foreign accounts so I also used the opportunity to divert part of the funds hence I am aware that there is no official trace of how much was transferred as all the accounts used for such transfers were being closed after transfer.

Ummm, huh?

I acted as the Bank Officer to most of the politicians and when I discovered that they were using me to succeed in their greedy act, I also cleaned some of their banking records from the Bank files and no one cared to ask me because the money was too much for them to control.

Still a little confused here.

They laundered over $5b(five billion) united states Dollars during the process .

Again with the random capitalization?

As I am sending this message to you, I was able to divert One Hundred Million Dollars ($150m)

I have the math skills of a fourth grader and know that doesn't make sense.

to an escrow account belonging to no one in the bank. The bank is anxious now to know who is the beneficiary to the funds because they have made a lot of profits with the funds.

It is Eight years now

Wait a minute. It was ten years a couple paragraphs ago. Let's split the difference and call it nine years, ok?

and most of the politicians are no longer using our bank to transfer funds overseas. The ($150m) Million Dollars has been lying waste but I don't want to retire from the bank without transferring the funds to a foreign account to enable me share the proceeds with the receiver. The money will be shared 60% for me and 40% for you .

Well, that makes perfect sense. When I retire, I intend to transfer my funds to Africa and split them with a randomly selected stranger via the Internet. And what's with the 60/40 split? Tell you what - you give me 70% of your imaginary funds and it's a deal!

There is no one coming to ask you about the funds because I secured everything.I only want you to assist me by providing a bank account where the funds can be transferred. You are not to face any difficulties or legal implications as I am going to handle the transfer personally. If you are capable of receiving the funds, do let me know immediately to enable me give you a detailed information on what to do.

Oh, how nice that you're handling everything for me.

For me, I have not stolen the money from anyone because the other people that took the whole money did not face any problems.

Umm, ???

This is my chance also to grab my own but you must keep the details of the funds secret to avoid leakages as no one in the bank knows about the funds.

No one knows about the funds? But a minute ago, you said that the bank was anxious to know who the beneficiary was. I'm confused.

Please supply me the following:
Your current contact address and Telephone Numbers..
I shall intimate you on what to do when I get your confirmation and acceptance. If you are capable of being my trusted associate, do declare your consent to me.
Waiting for your urgent response.

Yours Faithfully,
Mr Braun Duka

Of course, I notified him immediately and gave him all my information. Any day now, I'll be the recipient of $60,000,000. Woo Hoo! I guess I'll be able to take my kids somewhere on spring break after all.

I also got an email from yet another banker in West Africa offering me 40% of the late Michael Colon's 5,500,000. Wow!

Then, as if those two weren't enough, I got notification that I'd won the Australian lottery! Maybe turning forty won't be so bad after all! I mean, I'm going to be a multi-millionaire so I can afford Botox and hair dye, and I can get face lifts until my ears touch!

THE AUSTRALIAN LOTTERY
BOARD
Head Office
6123 Coll Street Road, Queensland Ax34587, Australia.
Dear : Lucky Winner
THE NATIONAL LOTTERY P-BALL WINNING NOTIFICATION

The Australian Lottery Power ball wishes to congratulate you on your success as one of our Ten ( 10 ) Star Australian Lottery Prize Winner in this Years 2010 Lottery that was conducted over the internet with our automated e-mail selecting machine.

An automated email selecting machine! I think that's what Braun Duka used!

You have been declared a Lucky Winner of £500,000.00 (Five Hundred Thousand Pound Sterling) your Serial Number: 7775-325

COOL! Oh, wait a minute. I thought Australians used dollars, not pounds. Hmmm, I wonder how much Vegemite you could buy with 500,000 pounds. I wonder how much you'd have to eat to gain 500,000 pounds.

How to claim your Winning Prize:
Contact the Financial Claims Manager Fr. Beckett Jamie, for verification and payment via his E-mail Address:


The Financial Claims Manager is also a Father? Interesting.

beckettjamie@gmail.com / Phone Number:
+447035954752 with the under listed information as soon as possible.

Interesting. I wonder why I would have to call the code for The United Kingdom to claim my Australian lottery winnings. Even stranger is the fact that I remember that 44 is the code for the UK from like 20 years ago when I had to make a call to the UK for work. Hmmm, I can remember THAT, but I can't remember to take my car in for an oil change.

PERSONAL DATA:
Full Name:
Address:
State:
City:
Zip Code:
Country:
Age:
Sex:
Occupation:
Mobile Phone Number:
Home Phone Number:
Fax Number (If Any):
Batch Number: 7056490900/188
Winning Number: 4750-617-25
Reference Number: GB8701/LPRC
Our Ref : ILP/HW 2314/08

Missbenedit Johnson
Director of Promotions.
Copyright © 2010 AUSTRALIAN LOTTERY POWER BALL

Oh well, if this Australian lottery email seems a little fishy, it's ok because I also won the Canadian lottery today! I wonder what amazing emails and huge wads of cash I'll get tomorrow!