Forty is the New Thirty (and other nonsense)

It was my birthday today. I turned forty. I don't know what it is about that number that makes it seem so evil. I suppose it's the fact that you've turned some imaginary corner, reached the top of the hill, and are now on a fast track, do-not-pass-go, path to death's door. But, on the bright side, being OLD has its advantages. I mean, think of all the incredible wisdom I've acquired over the years. In fact, as a birthday present to you, my faithful readers, I'll share some of my hard-earned wisdom! No need to thank me. It's what I do.

THE TOP TEN THINGS I'VE LEARNED ABOUT TURNING FORTY

10. People will tell you that 40 is the new 30. You know who says this? Old people forty-year-olds who want to make themselves feel better about being old forty. But no matter what cute catchphrases you use, you're still old forty.

9. People will tell you, "Welcome to the club!" For the past couple years, I've heard people welcome my friends into this exclusive "club". I wondered what all the hype was about. How did one go about attaining membership in this elite club? Was it just a matter of age? When one turns 40, are they automatically admitted? Do they have to pay dues? Are there meetings?

Well, now that I'm a card-carrying member of "the club", I'm privy to the secrets of the mysterious club. Here it is - THERE IS NO CLUB! There's no club, there are no meetings, and there are no secret handshakes. "Welcome to the club" is something people who are already forty and beyond say to poor, unsuspecting souls who are just turning forty. What it means is this: Ha ha! Now I'm not the only one who is old. You're getting old too and misery loves company! In your face! Ha ha!

8. You get depressed when you can remember back to when your parents turned forty and how old you thought they were back then.

7. You remember how old you thought you were when you turned thirty and you laugh at your naïve self.

6. Miss Clairol has a hard time keeping up with your ever-increasing production of gray hair.

5. Your kids stare at you in wonder when you regal them with tales of your youth, mainly because they're amazed you didn't have computers in school, you only knew one person who actually owned a mobile phone and it was as big as a shoe box, you didn't have a microwave oven until you were in fifth grade, your iPod was called a Walkman, there were like three video games and they all looked the same - two little squares that hit a third little square back and forth, and Facebook didn't exist. To add insult to injury, they then ask you questions like, "Did they have cars back when you were born?" and "Were dinosaurs still alive?"

4. When you get out of bed, your hands are numb and your knees creak. Honest to God, they make actual, real, creaking noises! That can't be good.

3. You find yourself telling the kids to "turn down that music!"

2. It's socially unacceptable for someone your age to hop from tile square to tile square while in a crowded mall while shouting, "Outta my way! I can't step on a crack or I'll fall in hot lava!"

1. You're suddenly moved into the "near death" demographic on Facebook and all the fun advertisements you used to enjoy will be replaced with AARP, denture cream, hearing aid, and incontinence ads.


On the bright side, however (there's always a bright side, right?), the following are positive things about turning forty.

1. It could be worse. Your child could be turning forty.

2. It could be worse. You could be turning fifty.

3. It could be worse. You could be dead.

Yeah, that's all I got. Ask me again in another ten years when I can look back and laugh at what a fool I was to make a big deal out of turning forty.