LESSONS ON HOW NOT TO USE GOOGLE

OK, judging by my Stat Counter, there are still thousands of you who don't know how to use a search engine. But fear not, class. I'm here to give you a brief tutorial on using a search engine like Google. :::putting on my teacher's hat:::

Please, pay attention. Listen closely. Grab a pen and some paper. Take notes.

LESSON ONE: Learn how to spell
If you want to get the most out of Google, you really should have a clue how to spell. If you can't spell, USE A DICTIONARY OR SPELL CHECK, for crying out loud. Let's take a look at some examples of actual search phrases I found on my Stat Counter that contain misspelled words, shall we?

roast resipe
I'm not sure, but I'm guessing they were looking for a recipe.

mr clean magic reasures
Yes, Mr. Clean makes Magic Erasers and Mr. Clean also reassures you that it's ok if the kids colored on the wall.

wahat to do for sour feet from walking
Clearly, this person misspelled the word "what". But, I'm curious; do you really think they have sour feet? Or perhaps they have sore feet?

Now, I'm sure these people were looking for something entirely different, but their misspelled words brought them to my blog. Too bad for them.

LESSON TWO: Google is not a Magic 8 Ball. Repeat after me. "Google is not a Magic 8 Ball. It cannot give me advice. It cannot tell me what to do. It cannot solve my problems. It is a search engine. Not Magic 8 Ball. Search engine."
These are the kinds of phrases that do not belong in a Google search:

what is fun stuff that'll make me happy?
Reply hazy, try again

how to make mom say yes to picking sister up early?
Outlook not so good

should I remove the dead animal smell from my 8 year old son's backpack?
My sources say no

what do I do if I was walking around and now my feet hurt?
Concentrate and ask again

If my license is suspended when do you have till you have to retake driving test in new York?
Cannot predict now

is it a Myth pinching your nose to alleviate the stubbing your toe pain in your toe?
Signs point to yes

will slimming tea make me poop grease?
Without a doubt

My tooth is super lose and its dangling by 1 gum what do I do?
Ask again later

my son flushed a squirt gun down the toilet and now it is clogged what should i do?
LEARN TO USE GOOGLE PROPERLY!

LESSON THREE: The random statement. Google is not your diary. You do not need to type miscellaneous random sentences into the search engine for no particular purpose. Call up a friend, join a chat room or message board, or talk to your spouse and tell them your news instead. These kinds of statements do not belong in a Google search:

i love camping because there's no schedule
Oh yeah, "love" and "camping" belong in the same sentence. Not.

my daughter has little ponytails
Mine too!

talking with my mom is hilarious
Umm yeah, "hilarious". That's the word I was looking for.

i still can't hear after my ear infection
What? (BAAAA! I just crack myself up. That one never gets old!)

my 2 year old son stuck a macaroni noodle up his nose
Oh good! I thought you were going to say a fusilli noodle which would just be plain silly.

my husband didn't buy me a birthday present
It could be worse; he could've gotten you a present at the gas station on the way home from work.

my 13 year old son is moody and pouts
Your point is...?

At the age of 10, my entire fifth grade class went to a soup kitchen, a non-profit organization helping feel homeless people five days a week
Good for you!

LESSON FOUR: Another way that some people use Google is to see if they can end up in one of my Google posts. Some people think it makes them famous to wind up featured here. For example:

would you like some buttpaste mom2my6pack
No thank you. I haven't been experiencing any chafing lately.

So what I like a tooth go for because I said so dawn rocks!
I'm not sure what language this is, but ok. Ummm thanks?

Can I send you hate me because I said so
Uhhh sure? Just don't send me hate mail, please.

I forgot that wearing pants clogs because I said so
Yes, I forget that sometimes too.

Im a mean mom becuase I said juicebutts poop on bats
LOL!!! You said, "juicebutt"! LOL!

Why does bat poop lead to dawn’s blog?
Because you people keep Googling it!

Eat bat poop because I said so
I think I'll pass. I've already eaten, thank you.

Everybody have fun tonight, everybody wang chung tonight what sitcom
Aha! Busted! I caught you cheating!

LESSON FIVE: Do not use Google while under the influence. AKA: Friends don't let friends Google drunk. When you use Google after drinking heavily, your searches show up in people's Stat Counters and they WILL make fun of you. For example:

mooo-oom he’s proud of peeing on a black eye boob
I don't even want to know.

Socks on her handsglamour pills sideways
Have another drink, my friend.

Zing zing zing like a washing machine blog
with sound effects and everything

Weightwhat blog
I think you're starting to slur

Got glasses picor pics or picture or pictures –his glasses site:blogspot.com
Uh huh, I know exactly what you're talking or talk or speaking or speak about.

Imagine being in an ant farm boy with poptart breath
Seriously, drugs are bad for you, dude!

Blog I don’t know anything but here’s what I think the boy he needed to pee
profound

A letter to my sister to let her know that I still love here chair for here
You started off ok, but then just had to go and have that last glass of wine...

Baby swallowed stapler
Crap! And I thought it was bad when my baby swallowed a couple staples!

you know who i said i do she said you do i said do but i really don't because it's you that i really want.
My head is spinning.

Win thi lootery book
Uh?



This concludes today's class. Please folks, study your notes. Share your new found knowledge with other poor Google-impaired folks. Together, we can rid my blog of bat poop searches.