Shopping 101

I have been doing a lot of shopping this week. It's the first time in a really long time that I've bought clothing for myself. For one thing, the kids have this habit of growing out of their clothes so my clothing budget generally goes to buying stuff for them. The other reason I haven't updated my wardrobe in a long time is because I hate trying on clothes. I mean, I used to like it. If, I mean when, I lose a couple hundred pounds, I'm sure I'll like it again. It's just a little depressing now. And is it really wrong to still have jelly shoes, leg warmers, and parachute pants hanging in your closet?

Anyway, I've noticed something these past few days while shopping; something that really needs to be brought to your attention. This is a serious matter. It seems as if there are some women out there who are unaware of proper shopping etiquette. Day after day, store after store I saw women making the same mistake - bringing their husbands, boyfriends, significant others along.

Outside dressings rooms in every store, were men leaning on clothes racks, downcast, defeated. These poor souls stood there laden with packages and purses, glazed expressions on their faces. Some had furrowed brows as they mentally tallied up the receipts their wives were accumulating. Some had a sort of meditation look on their faces as if by concentrating really, really hard, they might be able to telepathically get the score of the Cubs game. Others were simply thinking, "This is so not worth it. Maybe if we were at Victoria's Secret....nah, not even that is worth all this waiting. How long does it take to find what you need?"

Ladies, ladies, ladies, WHY? Why do you drag your husbands shopping with you? To get their opinions? They don't have opinions! They don't. What, you say your husband is wonderful and he always compliments you on your clothing? I'll let you in on a little secret. He's simply been trained and knows what to say so he won't be sleeping in the dog house. He doesn't really care if you buy the raw umber, the cinnamon, or the chocolate sweater. He doesn't even know what umber is and if you mention chocolate, he'll just remember that he's hungry and tired of shopping.

Do you take them along because you think it will be a fun bonding time for you two; a time for you to talk and interact and enjoy each other's company while looking for the perfect shoes? Men don't think this is fun! Know how men shop? They realize they need underwear when the elastic breaks on their last pair which has so many holes and skidmarks, it looks more like a dirty doily than underwear, so they run to the store, walk in past everything and everyone straight to the underwear section. They don't notice anything they pass; they're on a mission to get underwear. They grab a package with little attention to the brand, price, or even size and proceed to the nearest check-out. Ta Da. Done.

Men do not browse through racks. They do not hold clothes up to themselves while trying to get a feel for how it would look on them. Men do not admire mannequins (except maybe in Victoria's Secret) and wonder if they can pull off the same outfit. Men do not get excited about a BOGO sale. Men think BOGO is a clown with red hair. Do you hear me? Men do not like following their wives and girlfriends around while they shop!

Let's turn it around. Would you like to spend 4 hours in Home Depot while checking out plumbing equipment? Comparing horsepower on riding mowers? Drooling over cordless power tools? Of course you wouldn't! Stop torturing your men!

And really, dragging them along can't be enjoyable for you, can it? Do you like hearing, "Are you almost done?" repeatedly while they stare at their watches? Do you notice their spaced-out gazes as you ask them questions? They don't understand the thrill of finding the perfect shoes that were originally $120.oo and are now marked down to $75.00. You look at it like you just saved $45.00! Score! Your husband looks at it like you just spent $75.00 on shoes when you already have like 400 pairs in your closet. Yes, yes, I know they can be helpful holding your packages. This is true. But a good stroller does the same thing and strollers don't whine that they're missing the game.

I propose you bring your girlfriends with you. Or if you want a brutally honest opinion, bring your mother. Or mother-in-law! Heck, you don't really need to bring anyone with you, actually. Just step out of the dressing room and walk to the three-paneled mirrors in your dress. I guarantee if you ask another woman, "What do you think?" she will come up to you and exclaim, "Oooo I LOVE that! Are you going to a wedding? That looks wonderful on you! Oh, you should get it honey!" Can you imagine a man doing that? If a man walked out of the dressing room sporting a new pair of jeans and asked a perfect stranger, "Do these make my butt look big?" the other men would look at him as if he'd just sprouted another head as they slowly back away. Because men don't care what they look like. As long as their shirt passes the sniff test, they're good to go.

So please, for the love of all things on sale, do not continue to torture your husbands this way!