Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Extra Brussels Sprouts, Hold The Bacon

Well, the cat's out of the bag. I have no idea where this saying comes from. Who would put a cat in a bag? And if you did, hypothetically, put a cat in a bag, it's probably not a good idea to let it out. Because it'll most likely be pretty ticked off that you put it in a bag to begin with. I'm assuming. Although admittedly I'm not an expert on cat behavior. I do, however have a fair amount of experience dealing with people who do stupid things that tick me off though. And being put in a bag would definitely tick me off. But I digress.

I made this comment on Facebook - You know when you take banana bread out of the oven and the recipe says to "let cool for one hour before slicing?" That's basically the same as 5 minutes, right? Among the responses was someone asking me for the recipe. Without thinking, I shared the link to the recipe for the vegan banana bread I’d made. And then my friends started messaging me. You used a vegan recipe? On purpose? Why? Why would you want to destroy a wonderful baked confection by removing all the taste? Why indeed. 

It started at Christmas. Actually, it started a couple years ago. My sister lost her mind and started doing the vegan thing. Then several months later, my parents caught the disease and jumped on the tofu train. When my mom first told me that she and my dad were eating a plant-based diet with no animal products, I channeled Aunt Voula. 

No seriously, why would you do that? I mean, I could cut out meat without much of a sacrifice because I’m not a big meat eater to begin with, but cheese? How does one live without cheese? I’ve heard tales of a tribe of humans who survive without cheese, but I thought it was just a myth. My motto in life is – Everything is better with chocolate or cheese. Some things, like pretzels, are better with either chocolate or cheese! I maintained that my parents had lost their minds in their old age, and I certainly didn’t have any plans to join them in their diet of sticks and twigs. 

Back to Christmas. I was visiting my parents in Chicago when my mom handed me a giant box full of jeans, pants, and capris, some new with tags. They were all size 16. “Here you go, Dawn. You can have these if you like them. They’re way too big for me and I will never let myself get that fat again!"

Gee. Thanks. Mom. 


That was when I started seriously considering this whole “vegan thing.” You know, right after I slit my wrists. Then I watched a program on Netflix called Forks Over Knives which compelled me to give it a try. So when I got back home, while being taunted by a closet full of my mom’s discarded fat clothes that I couldn't even fit into, I decided I’d try to survive without cheese for a month. No meat, no milk, no eggs, no cheese, no processed foods or other kinds of garbage. I resigned myself to eating the stuff you scrape off the bottom of your lawn mower. Did you know that has a name? It’s called kale. And I learned that the word tofu is Chinese for cubes of gelatinous gunk that tastes like a sweatsock.

I decided I would eat like this for one month. One month. 30 days. No more. Just to prove to my family that sticking to a plant-based diet is impossible, and more importantly, it's stupid because it doesn't contain doughnuts. It has been three months now, and I’m completely shocked to admit that it has actually been pretty easy. Surprisingly easy. I haven’t missed cheese. And no, of course I don’t expect you to believe that. I don’t believe it either. I'm not entirely convinced that aliens have not messed with my brain and changed my taste buds to think that cheeseburgers are icky and chick peas are delicious. But I’ve lost 15 pounds so far. It would probably be more, but I can’t manage to exercise at all for legitimate reasons, namely - I’m too lazy, and I don’t wanna.

I’ve been cooking more and trying new recipes every week. I feel great. And let me tell ya, I have never been so regular in all my life. Those lawn mower clippings have a lot of fiber! My kids have been eating a huge variety of vegetables and I haven't even had to threaten them with wearing a muumuu to their next school function, or even worse - taking away their Play Station so they can't play Fortnite.

I don't know whether to be proud that I've been sticking to a diet high in fresh fruit and veggies, whole grains, and legumes, or if I should just keep quiet about it lest people know that I'm the sort of weirdo who would purposely choose eggplant over bacon. It's kind of like when you reach level 782 on Candy Crush and you don't know whether to brag about it or hang your head in shame.

And to top it all off, now that Lexi has her driver's license, I could be sending her to the store for emergency chocolate. But noooo, I have no reason to send her to the store because there's no such thing as a craving for okra or bulgur wheat. Believe me. So my poor teen is left with a brand-spanking new license and she's sadly errandless. Thus are the tragedies of eating veggies.


Anonymous said...

Since you have been on this vegan kick, may I ask how much weight you have lost? Just curious.

Loretta Monroe said...

1) HAHAHAHAHAHA.... breathe... hahahaha
2) Kale is, indeed, lawn clippings. Pretty sure.
3) I find your reasoning behind the "not exercising" thing to be quite valid.
4) Candy Crush... I have great, GREAT shame, and I will not admit to my level.
5) You made me freak'n laugh out loud with the kale comment! :)

GREAT JOB sticking to the vegan thing. I'm impressed!

Dawn said...

I've lost 15 pounds.

Thanks, Loretta! Now you have to spill what level you're on.

Kayleigh Janes said...

Level 742 is so last year. Oh and the bunny eats the Kale in our house, not the humans ;-)

Unknown said...

OK so can I have theink to this vegan banana bread? My daughter is staunch vegan...

Cindy said...

I'm very impressed! My daughter was vegan for a few years, a vegetarian for many more but she's been dating a full-blooded Italian and now she eats chicken. :) I honestly don't think I could ever become a vegan or a vegetarian for that matter. Just tonight I had grated cheese with my dinner. I'm very proud of you though! Keep up the good work!

Colleen said...

Vegan banana bread is actually pretty good. Your post is inspiring me to go back to being vegan again. Starting with giving up cheese for a month sounds doable.

Loretta Monroe said...

level 2041. So much shame!!!
In my defense, this is how I exercise my brain. Some days I don't feel like it... but I press on. As for exercising the rest of me... yeah "too lazy and I don't wanna". ;)

Ernie said...

Wow, your poor taste buds. When we tell Tank that he has to eat something he finds gross, he likes to tell us that our taste buds are dead because we are old. He is 15 and he really does believe this. I have Celiac disease so I eat lots of fruit and salad stuff already but there is no way in Hell I can give up cheese and yogurt and CHOCOLATE! I mean I have already been sworn off of sheet cake forever. I don't play candy crush but I absolutely love the comparison.

Abby said...

I staunchly believe that kale is a garnish, not a food.

Barny said...

Wine is vegan yeah ?
I mean I know it's made from grapes but bacon wine is a thing.
Maybe not...

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