Tuesday, June 13, 2017

15 Reasons to Date Me

I'm thinking of rewriting my dating profile. Maybe something like this would work.
Why should you date me?

1. I drive a cool minivan. Hmmm, I guess that’s really an oxymoron.

2. I know what an oxymoron is.

3. If we ever go to Chicago, you’ll love being seen with me because I have awesome hair there. Here, in the Florida humidity, I look like a cross between Hagrid and Roseanne Roseannadanna. (Oh wait, I’m supposed to be thinking of reasons TO date me!)

4. I’ll most likely blog about you at some point. (I guess that could go either way.)

5.  I laugh at my own jokes so you don’t have to. But you probably will because I'm hilarious.

6.  I have tens of fans who think I'm hilarious too.

7.  I know the difference between there, their, and they're.

8.  I promise to never make you go clothes shopping with me as long as you don't ask me why I've been banned from Ace Hardware. (There is a perfectly good explanation for throwing that weed wacker! IF I threw a weed wacker, that is. I'm not admitting that I did.)

9.  I've never been on Jerry Springer. (See? The weed wacker incident wasn't that bad.)

10.  I smell good.

11.  I have never been arrested. Wait, let me think a minute . . . Nope, I'm almost positive, like 99% sure, I've never been arrested.

12.  I speak fluent Friends, Seinfeld, and The Office quotes.

13.  You could do worse. I'm not sure who, but there's probably someone out there who's worse.

14.  Please.

15.  Yeah, that’s about all I’ve got. Still, I don’t kick puppies, or chew with my mouth open, and I’m not a White Sox fan so there’s that.

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