Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Because Nothing Says Christmas Like an Ice-Skating Elephant in a Dress

When I was in Chicago last week, I spied a Christmas store while walking around Woodfield Mall. Being in the Christmas spirit, I insisted we go in and look around. There's just something about red and green decorations, shimmering lights, iridescent snowflakes, silver and gold strands of sparkly-ness, elegant nutcrackers, whimsical elves, delicate angels, and jolly Santas that put you in a festive mood. When I left the store, however, I was surprisingly no longer filled with Christmas cheerfulness. Nope, I was left shaking my head and muttering, dumbfounded, "What the crap was that?" I think I've been scarred for life. I'll show you why . . .

I'd love to get inside the head of the guy who said, "Let's take a woman with an old fashioned dress and ice skates, then swap out her head for that of an elephant! Yes! We'll sell millions!"

When I think of the holidays, the first thing that pops into my head is a dapper lion dressed in top hat, waist coat, and spats. It's a shame he forgot his pants since that would have disguised his seemingly dislocated knee.

When I first saw this little fellow, I fondly thought, "Aaaaeeeiggghhhhyyyeeauuuccchhhh!" (I think that's how you spell the noise I made.) As if a bald monkey in pantaloons isn't creepy enough, look at the price tag! For the bargain price of only $239.95 you too could own this disturbing freak of nature.

Merry Mardi Christmas Gras!

 "Since the ice-skating eleph-woman was such a hit, how 'bout we do this? We'll take a bag with a drawstring and slap a lion's head on top of it! It's brilliant!"

I have no words.

"Hmmmm, how to outdo the ice-skating eleph-woman and the lion-head baggy? What to do, what to do? Eureka! I've got it! A peanut! On a winking monkey head! Atop a spring! Yes, a monkey-in-a-box with a peanut balanced on his head. (I'm pretty sure this is what happened to Sid from Toy Story when he grew up. He became a Christmas ornament maker.)

Hey look, kids! It's the traditional clown riding a pig ornament!

It's a mermaid! It's a mouse! It's a mermaid! It's a mouse! With her hand-in-the-air, sassy attitude, who cares? She can totally pull off the Carassius Mus thing.

For those who just can't get over the disappointment of Halloween being over - it's a whole Mariachi band of skeletons! Feliz Navidad!

"You know what people love? Things on sticks! Popsicles! Corndogs! Lollipops! Shish-ka-bobs! Who could resist a baby head on a stick?"

Hey look! It's the Church Lady! On a stick! Now isn't that special?

Yep, apparently you can put any ole thing on a stick and sell it as a Christmas decoration.

"Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas from Phil Robertson, er, um, I mean Santa. Yep, I'm Santa. And no, you can't have my Red Ryder BB gun or you'll shoot your eye out, kid."

Oh look! It's another Sid creation. A hat. On a bear. On a fish. On a spring. Yep, that says Merry Christmas to me!

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two Victorian cats . . .

It's a rooster! Er, a hen. Hmmm, the large comb and bright plumage suggest it's a male. The eggs, high heels, and pearls, suggest it's a female. Let's just call it the sexually confused holiday chicken, okay? (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

Now, I ask you, who wouldn't love a dance hall pig from a wild west saloon adorning their mantlepiece during this blessed season?

Oh dear Lord, I need a therapy now!

Okay, let's take inventory here. It's a frog. With a fur cape. And charming boots. Holding an engagement ring. Yep, it has all the properties of a classic yuletide trinket.

Christmas is the time for those famous delicacies: gingerbread, eggnog, fruitcake, candy canes, and pastrami on rye

Oh my gosh! Jackalopes DO exist!

 And finally, The Elf on the Shelf after a hard night of drinking. 

1 comment:

Cyndi said...

Creepy!!!! Did you see anyone buying any of this crap?

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