Sunday, August 15, 2010

The Scariest Place on Earth

I walked into the bowels of Home Depot the other day. That store scares me. I mean, it really scares me. Give me a store like Sephora and I'm at home. Or most clothing stores. I can get lost in Hobby Lobby. I can walk into a Victoria's Secret and do just fine. Oh wait, actually scratch that. Once upon a time, I could have walked into a Victoria's Secret and been just fine. Not anymore. I know Victoria's secret - their sizes only go up to a cute little petite D cup bra and size 5 panties. And the pictures of the models on the walls make me want to slap them (after feeding them hot fudge sundaes, that is.) Depressing. But not scary.

Home Depot, however, is scary. I don't know where anything is. I don't know what anything is. Home Depot people, if you're listening, you need to have a Clueless Female section with cute little pink tools and hot guys with trays of iced mochas and mineral water for us. You can have some comfy seating and while we rest our feet and sip our beverages, the hot guys with the tool belts (heh heh, I just had a visual) can show us the cute pink tools and tell us what they are and how to use them. Or, better yet, they can just offer to come over and fix stuff for us. I know I, for one, would find shopping there less scary in that scenario.

But as it is now, I walk in and freak out over the 800 foot ceilings and the orange aprons and the aisles of foreign looking items. A young worker-guy saw me standing there, drooling (not because I was so overcome with excitement over the power tools, but because my brain had simply shut down when faced the array of drill-looking things) and asked, "Ummm, can I help you, Ma'am? Please? Hello?"

First off, I don't like being called "Ma'am". I mean, this isn't Georgia, people! This isn't just a polite thing that people say around these here parts. "Ma'am" to me, means "Old Lady". (Actually, this really has nothing to do with the story. Just forget the whole Ma'am thing.)

So, this guy is looking at me like I'm a complete simpleton. And he's right. At least, as far as tools go. I answered him, "Um yeah, I need, um, some sort of tool thingy for drilling. Like a drill. Or something. You know, to drill stuff."

"Okay.... so you want a drill. What are you going to be drilling?"

"Oh, you know, stuff." At the blank look on his face, I expounded. "Like I might drill a hole in a wall for a picture frame. Or use it to fill my cavity to save on dental bills."

I think I may have freaked him out with that last sentence. Hey, at least I didn't say I was planning on using it for do-it-yourself lobotomies on my enemies.

He asked some more questions to get a better idea of my drilling needs. "Will you be drilling into concrete? How much power do you need? Do you want a cordless drill? Will you be using it for long periods of time?"

"Ummm, do you have anything in pink?"

He repeated his questions again. Slowly.

"Listen, I'm recently divorced so I'm new to this whole home improvement thing. I just need something to hang a paper towel holder from my cabinet. I might want to hang a picture frame some day. I may even have to use it to fix the shelves in my closet. But I'm not going to build a rocking chair or a swingset or a house. I want something small and cheap, but a little more powerful than my fingernail, a butterknife, or my shoe, ok?"

If this guy thought it was tough dealing with me, he should've seen me there last week with the youngest four kids running around like rabid squirrels, touching everything, jumping up onto stacks of wood, and checking out the toilet display. Yeah.

27 comments:

Steph said...

Menards Dawn. Go to Menards...designed to look much more like WalMart or in your case Target. Not as scary as Home Depot.

The Gibson's said...

I like your idea about the New and Improved Woman's World at HomeDepot. I think it would be a HUGE hit. You should send them this post as a comment and see if they improve on their store. I would shop there more often, gotta appeal to the public.

Kris said...

Too funny. I'll go with you next time. My dad only had 2 girls, so we were taught how to do all of the "guy jobs". So glad since my hubby doesn't know how to do any of it!!!

Marsha said...

I would agree. Home Depot and Lowes are very scary places. I usually go at christmas time when they have all the ornaments out. I understand that section.

Chris said...

So tell me. Did you get the drill? They really aren't that scary. My husband hates to put things on the wall so I had to learn how to do it when he wasn't home. Drills, hammers, nails...all my friends now!! Chris in PA

Cinderella (aka Kristin) said...

Lowes is more female friendly. Much more colorful and prettier. Still 80 foot ceilings and lots of equipment I can't name. But then there's the home decorating aisles and I can breathe again. My neighbor works for Home Depot and he laughed when I told him that - and then agreed that I was dead on. Home Depot is a man's store and Lowe's is geared at the "family" or, dare I say, "females who control the checkbook." :)

WeaselMomma said...

You have great ideas for the home improvement store chains. If they ever decide to follow your advice, you and I can regular weekly lunch dates their.

SandyAnnDee said...

I love walking into a Lowes or Home Depot. Just the smell of lumber makes me feel good. Does that mean that I have to turn in my "girl card?" I also love (love, love, love) Hobby Lobby and don't hate Victoria Secrets, so maybe that redeems me?

As for drills, I like my Black and Decker cordless power screwdriver with interchangeable bits. You just pop off the screwdriver bit and pop on the drill bit (whatever size you need.) I really do have to hand in my "girl card" now, don't I?

The Mommy said...

OK. I get this. I'm afraid of Home Depot, too, but mainly because a friend's wife had a box dropped on her head from one of those 800 foot ceilings. She had neck pain for years.

Also, I know of a different family whose child may or may not have used the "toilet display", not fully understanding the "display" part. Just sayin'. And it actually wasn't one of mine!!

Another tip: Visit flylady.net. She sells a pink tool set. I want one!

grandmatomato said...

I should say at least you saw an employee. Some times you are run down by them. But if you are looking for something you can not find them.
Last time I had a coupon for a free item I just went to the service desk . I am an older lady so I said could you get this for me please. It took five people before they could find the item. So just think if it took five of them how are we suppose to know what it is or where it is.

pmerry said...

Next time, find a smaller hardware store to go to, like an Ace Hardware. They have nice salesmen who can talk you through projects or even recommend handymen for you. Hang in there. You can do it! OOh, and the library has books for women on plumbing (scary stuff!) and fixing things. Good luck.

Jenni said...

If you want to find pink, go to Lowe's. I've decided that Lowe's is the girls home improvement store, while Home Depot is for the boys. Look closely and you'll see what I mean -- more home decor and pretty stuff at Lowe's, more raw lumber and concrete at Home Depot.

The Edmonston Entourage said...

I came to find your blog as simple as its the first one that comes up when you google mom blogs! I could not stop laughing then the strong feeling of companionship that women get when they sympathies with each other. I enjoy reading your blogs and love the truth I behind your words. I have a blog about the struggles I face with my duo of boys (3 and 18 months), I would love to know what you think about it!
I am inspired

PamGram said...

LOL,yeah anything with "depot" in the name is scary. I like the garden area to stroll thru and Christmas time is nice.Like around mid-Sept.They may even have some snowmen and santas now.

dark_chocolate said...

I LIKE your idea for improving Home
Depot customer service for women..LOL THAT would really boost their business, women will be thinking up of things that need fixing, or breaking things just so they can go and ask for help. :D

And I was laughing a lot about your feelings about Victoria's Secret. Don't worry, I'm sure you're not the only one that wants to slap the models. LOL

~L0SERM0M~ said...

After you told him you were recently divorced, you should have ended it with "and I hate men right now ALL MEN (with a crazed look on your face) and I need to ya know build coffins (and then start twitching). I need to have at least 1 built soon before the smell, ummm I mean Halloween gets here..yeah Halloween that's it..coffins for Halloween.(twitch again & smile all the while lookin around like someone is "watching" you)....HAHAHAHA...That would have been flippin AWESOME!!! THEN it would have been the "scariest place on earth" for him..MUUUUHHHHHAAAHHHHHAA ;)

I know you don't hate ALL men but it was a nice touch :)

~L0serM0m~

Feisty Irish Wench said...

My dad taught his kids tool and repair basics, and we were schlepped to the various suppliers for such things. Those stores do not scare me - Express and Banana Republic make me want to run the other way.
Then I got a job as a vendor at Lowe's, and later still my husband got a job at Home Depot. I asked my husband for my own set of tools for a few years till he finally gave them to me for Christmas. I didn't want cheapolas that would break with the first use. I think I scare men when I use power tools, and that alone carries a high all its own.

Jodee said...

I absolutely hate Home Depot. I was a single mom for a few years, (only one kid then, and if it gives you any hope, I found the absolute best guy in the world the second time around. Seriously. It happens. If I hadn't gone through a divorce, I'd be miserable and still feel worthless. It takes a couple of years [or more], but I found trust and self-worth and the man of my dreams :))and I do know enough about tools/hardware/home improvement to take care of most things. My problem with Home Depot is that the (male) employees treat all women like idiots. I've actually had a guy refuse to give me directions to a product because he insisted that I didn't need it for my project (installing a sprinkler system). I now send my husband and refuse to go because of too many experiences like that. Stupid men.....uh, I mean Home Depot employees.

zig said...

i hope everything is ok with you. you are in my thoughts and prayers, spuds's blog said that everything is not ok with you.
i love your new and improved home depot!

Kris Roach said...

I like Home Depot and Lowes, but we have bought and refurbished several houses in our time, as well as a few rentals, so I have spent lots of time with my husband in those types of stores...I admit, i love picking the paint colors, plumbing fixtures, countertops, etc. Also like buying plants and all that good stuff in the spring too...I am just used to it I guess. It is fun at the holidays too. I used to take my two sons the first Sat. every month to the free workshop for kids at home depot. They got to make small projects each time. It was a brilliant marketing idea, to turn the kids into shoppers at a young age. Anyhoo...as fun as your ideas are, I can't say I relate so much on this one. I have also been sent to "the store" for electrical or plumbing items when in the middle of projects and I have always found the workers at Home Depot to be very helpful and knowledgable. Hope you have a better experience next time...maybe they will install that special section for ladies with the Hot Guys in toolbelts...that would be okay too :-)

Shannon said...

Sending prayers and good thoughts your way!

Shellie said...

Hope you're doing okay, Dawn. Just want you to know that your readers out here are praying for you!

belindasbaubles said...

Bunnings is the Aussie equivilant of Home Depot. My least favourite places there are the paint section, the light fittings section the gardening section and the bit with the wood. UGH!! *yes, the only bit left is the manure, but at least I'm left alone there*
I swear if they had a Dawn inspired womens retreat I might actually want to venture into the plant area (with the fake bird call soundtrack going constantly) but ONLY if I can make my hubby stay away. Far, far away.
Belinda in Brisbane Australia

Angela K said...

Keeping you in my prayers, hope all will be well.

remajaberperan said...

Hiii .... glad to see your blog, I am a blogger Indonesia. Welcome stranger!

Que said...

You know you could have told him you needed the drill to build an Illudium Q-36 Space Modulator. Also let him know that you plan to use that to take over the world.. one blood-sucking MOTH at a time.

He would definitely know which drill to get you for that!

nine.harlow said...

I'm with you, Dawn. I hate getting "ma'am"-ed! Unless you are military or from the South, it's code for "old lady". I always seem to hear it when I am on my way out, with my hair done, make up on and I feel pretty good about how I look...then lo and behold, I hear Ma'am and I go back to feeling every one of my 43 years. Bummer!

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