In accordance with my divorce agreement, I needed to get life insurance. So, I called around and signed up for a plan two weeks ago. They sent a nurse to my house at 9:30 this morning, to check my blood pressure, ask me a few more questions, weigh me (Grrr!), and get some blood and urine specimens. My blood pressure was 100/58. She took it four times to be sure. "Yes, I know I'm fat, but I have low pressure, okay!" Then she took some blood. No problem. Then she gave me a cup and asked me to pee. Well, I'd just gone before she got there, but again, I can pretty much pee anytime, so I took the cup and went to the bathroom. Meanwhile, Brooklyn was babbling on about Dora to this nurse who was humoring her. I returned with the cup. She looked at it and said, "That's not enough."
"What do you mean, that's not enough? I just peed before you got here! It's impressive I was able to come up with that much!" I protested.
"I need you to fill it to this line," she said, indicating the five gallon mark.
I turned on my heel and headed toward the kitchen where I filled a big cup with water. I chugged it down, then refilled it. I chugged that one down and refilled it again. Then I sat down to wait while sipping the third cup.
She urged me to try again. Okay, now I don't know how any of your systems work, but generally it takes more than thirty seconds for the water I drink to turn to pee. Still, I got up and tried again. Not a drip.
This happened five times! I drank water, waited a bit, tried to pee, came back empty-handed, and did it all over again. FIVE TIMES! Meanwhile, Brooklyn has told this woman everything, anyone has ever needed to know about Dora, including the fact that she has big brown eyes just like her. Repeatedly.
The nurse suggested I drink some coffee. I made a cup and gave it a try. After another twenty minutes, the coffee had run right through me and not in the urine kinda way. Yeah. But, after another fifteen minutes, I was finally able to pee. This was at 11:00 this morning. I haven't stopped peeing since.
And my fun continued this afternoon. Last week, when I was at the OBGYN, I was due for a lovely pap (because I've been on the 3 month plan, thanks to an abnormal one a way back.) Unfortunately, the doctor wouldn't do it then because I'd been seeing the nurse practitioner and apparently they don't like to stick their hands in each other's business. Literally. LOL! Ah, I just crack myself up. So I had to make yet another appointment with the NP. I scheduled it for today while the kids were in school. Brooklyn isn't in school yet. Oops, that was an oversight. Oh well, I dragged her along. Being the smart, savvy mom that I am, I brought a brand new toy to occupy Brooklyn so she wouldn't be tempted to peek around the table to see what the doctor was doing and therefor, be scarred for life. Yep, I was prepared.
So B and I walk into a room where a nurse asks me the same questions as last week. I give her different answers, you know, just to change things up a bit.
"Do you smoke?"
"Only when I'm on fire."
"Huh? Oh, I get it. What are you using for birth control?"
"Huh? Antibiotics aren't birth control."
"Oh, so that's why I have six kids!"
"You have three girls and three boys?"
"Yes, and two frogs and one turtle and thirty-two shirts and twenty-four pairs of shoes..."
"Okay, Mrs. Meehan, why don't you just get undressed from the waist down and have a seat on the table," she said, exasperated, as she walked out.
So, quick as a flash, I rip off my pants and undies in one fluid motion while Brooklyn was busy playing with her new Mix Pups. I hopped onto the table and pulled my paper blanket around me. However, I wasn't quick enough. Brooklyn loudly announced, "I can see your butt, Mom!" as she pointed at my exposed derriere. Thankfully, she's only four and is easily distracted. "Oh, look at your puppy! What a cute skirt it's wearing!"
About three and a half seconds later, Brooklyn suddenly stood straight up and grabbed herself while shifting her weight from foot to foot. "Mama...."
"Let me guess. You have to go to the bathroom."
"Really bad! I have to go NOW!" she exclaimed as she added some bouncing up and down to the weight shifting, making it an official Pee Pee Dance.
"Well, of course you have to go - NOW THAT I'M NAKED. Ugh." I thought to myself, What to do, what to do. If I quickly change back into my clothes, the doctor is bound to come in mid-change and see the underwear that I've carefully hidden in my pants! She can see my cervix, but not my panties. If I wait, it could be another twenty minutes before the doctor comes in and then it'll be too late and she'll have peed on the floor. Hmmm, maybe I could blame it on her new puppy toys... I quickly discarded those ideas. I suppose I could wrap my paper blanket around me and walk into the hallway half-naked to show her where the bathroom is.
Nah, I don't need anyone else thinking I'm a total freak.
"Honey, can't you hold it?" I pleaded with B. By this time, she was prancing around the entire room, hopping from foot to foot and trying to hold it in with her hand strategically placed on her Chinese Recipe.
"Nooooo," she whined. "I really need to goooooo."
How wrong would it be to let her pee in the sink? I thought to myself. Oh yeah, that'd look great if the doctor walked in as I'm standing there half-naked, holding my child over the sink to pee.
I opted to open the door and hope for a nurse to pass by so I could ask her to show Brooklyn where the bathroom was. So what if the door's open and someone walks by and sees my butt, right? It's just a butt. Everyone has one, right? I figured no men were going to be walking by in an OBGYN's office anyway. (I didn't consider the idea of husbands coming with their wives to hear their baby's heartbeat.) Ahem.
Anyway, after a little embarrassment, a nurse did walk past and upon seeing Brooklyn's Pee Pee Dance, asked if she could show her to the bathroom. Phew! Crisis averted.
And because I'm extra-lucky, when the NP walked in, she had a student with her. Yay! Is there anyone in any medical facility who hasn't seen my hoo-ha yet? Maybe I should start selling tickets or something.
Anyway, B returned from the potty, much relieved, the NP was super-speedy, and B never even noticed what was going on "down there". And now I've graduated to the six month plan.
Dear, whoever it may concern,
I do not need any more blog material of a medical nature. Thank you.