Monday, August 16, 2010

I Bet Doogie's on Team Edward

So, my divorce was final on Tuesday. I lost my insurance on Tuesday. I can't afford Cobra coverage and was going to start making phone calls for a cheap, high deductible plan that would at least cover hospitalizations and/or surgery. However, Murphy's Law came into play before I obtained insurance. On Friday, I started having some pretty horrific pain in my abdomen. But I've got six kids to care for and no insurance, so I dealt with it and thought - Eh, it'll be better tomorrow. I woke up Saturday and my tummy wasn't better. It was worse, in fact. I walked around, doubled over in pain as I cleaned up, made dinner, drove the kids here and there. I lay awake all night, crying on Saturday because it hurt so bad. I would have run to the emergency room if I'd had insurance, but I just couldn't bring myself to get help when my brain was virtually adding up medical bills.

Sunday came and went much the same. Constant pain that got a little better, then worse, then better, then worse. Finally, today, I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I knew something was wrong. I called my ex's employer to check out the Cobra plan. Turns out I have until October 10th to pay the nearly $800 and I'll have retro-active coverage back to August 11. Good. I can handle one month of insurance, I decide, then I speed to my local ER.

So, I walk in, answer the basic questions, bp, temp, blah blah blah. I sit and wait. Then they tell me to pee in a cup. I'd just gone before I left the house because I'm an adult and I know to do that, unlike my kids, but thankfully, I can pee on demand (six kids and all...) (Actually, sometimes I even pee accidentally. Hmmm, I hope I remembered to write something in my pregnancy book about involuntary peeing while laughing after you've given birth six kids. Anyway...)

So I wait. And wait. And wait. Then a guy comes along to draw my blood. Now, I don't like hospitals. And I don't like waiting. At all. I have this habit of acting goofy if I have to wait. It's either that or jump out of my skin. So, the guy's sticking the needle in my arm. I look at him and say, "So! I guess this (I pointedly eye the blood flowing from my arm to the tube) means you're on Team Edward, huh?" I don't think he got it. Or maybe (gasp!) he just didn't think I was funny. Nah, that can't be it. He just didn't get it.

Then I went back to waiting some more. After an hour and a half of waiting, they took me from the waiting room and moved me to a bed in the HALLWAY. I thought about faking a heart attack to be moved into an actual room, but decided not to since I didn't really want to be defibrillated, or you know, moved to the mental health unit.

I finally got in a room and got my standard issue hospital gown. A half an hour later, the doctor came in and introduced himself. I looked at him. I wondered when all doctors became younger than me. Then I asked, "Do you mind if I call you Doogie?" Of course, he was too young to have a clue what I was talking about, so he just gave me a puzzled, awkward look and started asking me questions.
"Where's your pain? When did it start? On a scale of 1-10, what's the pain like now? Do you have any other symptoms? Fever? Nausea? Blah blah blah.... What's the date of your last menstrual period?"
Okay, so I know I only have like two male readers, but it's time for you to leave the room now. Really. Close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears and say, "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA" as loudly as you can. Trust me. You'll thank me later.

Okay, so I tell him, "Today." You know, because I'm just lucky like that. Then I gave him a look that said, "I swear I will hit you over the head with this bedpan if you tell me what I'm experiencing is menstrual cramps. I'm FORTY! I've had like 300 periods! I KNOW what it feels like!" To his credit, he didn't blame my pain on cramps. Still, after pushing on my abdomen and watching me wince in pain, he decides I need a pelvic exam. Lovely. As if those aren't bad enough, I get to have one in a curtained room by a cute young doctor while I have my period. Score!

Still, I've given birth to six kids. Modesty is kind of a thing of the past. So, I prop my butt up on a bedpan (yep, they've got a fancy set-up there in the ER) while Doogie puts the jack in and cranks it open. Now, I KNOW I wrote a whole section about pap smears in my new book! So, I'll just tell you this - I tend to ramble on and make stupid jokes when in this embarrassing position. So, I glanced at this poster on the wall...



and asked, "Sooo, how do I become an official member of the Clean Hands Club? Are there dues? Secret handshakes? Oh no, I guess there probably aren't any handshakes at all in that club. Unless you use hand sanitizer, that is. Do you get a free sample of hand sanitizer for joining?"

This is the point, he decided I was mentally, uh, challenged.

But did I stop there and just shut up? Oh no! I started telling him kid jokes. "What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef!"

"Whatcha eating under there?" The correct response to that joke is "Under where?" Underwear! Get it? Under where, underwear. Much hilarity ensues when my kids tell that joke. However, in hindsight, that was a really bad joke with really bad timing. Ahem. Doogie ran out of the room as soon as he was done. I thought to myself - Oh well, at least I have blog material.

Next on the agenda was a CT scan. I lay there and listened to the instructions. "Take a deep breath. Now hold your breath. Now breathe." I did that a couple times. But the final time lasted like 20 minutes. I couldn't hold my breath that long. I got dizzy. There was almost a code blue right there in the CT room. I finally breathed and hoped they wouldn't yell at me for it.

Back to my room to wait. And wait. And wait. And meanwhile, I'm getting a raging headache because I haven't eaten all day. I was finally able to flag someone down and ask for pain relief for my headache, but they never did give me anything. Anyway, Doogie came back and told me I had diverticulitis. I didn't know what that was, but I was pretty sure it was an "old person's" disease. In my head, I could just hear a couple of grandmas sitting around complaining about their bunions, arthritis and diverticulitis.

Long story short. Or well, long story not quite as long as I could make it - he wanted to keep me in the hospital overnight on IV antibiotics, but I played the "I have six kids at home" card and after consulting with my primary doctor, decided to let me go home. I have to take two antibiotics that cost me $350! Yikes! And I have to go 48 more hours without eating. I can have clear liquids. Yum. And I have to rest. Yeah right! Snort! Sure, I'll rest with six kids at home. That's a good one!

I meet with my regular in two days and hope that I don't need surgery. So, that was my fun-filled day at the ER.

59 comments:

Dar said...

HUGS

Tonia said...

I'm so sorry you're sick and had to go through all that....but OMG I laughed so hard at your story telling! Tears rolling down my face!

Kristine said...

Well, at least it wasn't appendicitis, right? Feel better soon!

Oh, and stupid drs without any sense of humor!

Stampin_melissa said...

So glad they FINALLY figured it out and you made it out of the hospital without being admitted to the psych ward! :D On the serious side, saying a prayer for you and kids now.

The Gibson's said...

I can't believe he didn't know who Doogie was. I am only 29 and I know. Good old shows from the late 80's and early 90's gotta love them. I would have been peeing my pants to hear you joke about the Edward thing. So glad your ER visit could make such a wonderful blog post.

Christina said...

My hubby has diverticuitis. It can be very painful when he has an attack. The first time was scary because we really did not know what was going on. I think now he gets and attack about once a year and he has never had to have surgery. They give him antibiotics. Our doctor told us if you have more than 3 flare up a year then they will look at surgery but my hubby has other problems too that make surgery risky!

Hope you feel better soon. Glad they did not keep you in the hospital and that you were able to get home to your kids!

Mama-in-Ausbildung said...

Hi Dawn,
hope you are getting well soon!! And even if I only have one child the age of nine months, there is one thing I already learned: Moms don't get sick, even if they do have a husband and even if they ARE sick...

Hope everythings alright with you insurance. I was a little shocked, reading, that you couldn't go to the ER first, because of your insurance. That is one good thing living in Germany: You have an insurance, no matter what! And it is not that expensive like in the US, because we have to have an insurance so we get it, from birth on. You can choose private insurance, but you do not have to. That is quite a good thing!

All the best!!!

WeaselMomma said...

Oh my dear Lord! You poor thing. I hope you are feeling better and are soon able to block that exam, it's timing and Doogie Houser out of your head completely.

Jen@Scrapingirl said...

Oh you poor thing. Don't you know mom's aren't supposed to get sick ?? {{{HUGS}}}

Shannon said...

I hope you feel better soon! Liquid diet for 48 hours.... uck!

Nana Mama said...

Hope today is a better day Dawn - and remember... rum IS a clear liquid. (j/k)

Kris Roach said...

First of all, praying for you, because I know you are in a lot of pain, but never off duty as mother of 6, secondly, you are so freakin hilarious!!! I don't know how you can manage to be so funny when in such a horrible situation...blessings on you and yours. Hope the kids cooperate and help take care of each other so you can get some rest. You are the best...you will be in my prayers today...Kris

Mel said...

"...while Doogie puts the jack in and cranks it open..."

Dawn, you have such a visual way with words that I actually choked on my soda when I got to this line!! Hope the tummy pain eases up for you soon.

Cheers!

Chris said...

My husband has had diverticulitis for years and the good thing is that if you eat what they suggest, you will probably not have much pain in the future. But it's a life-long thing...changing eating patterns isn't easy, but it IS good for your overall health. And relax. The worst is over. Chris in PA

Jensamom23 said...

Oh, I hope you feel better soon. That is so very painful. I laughed at your jokes ifd that is any consolation.

Sharon said...

I hope you get to feeling better soon.

Liz@thisfullhouse said...

Oh no. BLECH! So sorry to hear about the crud you've been going through. Hopefully, the meds will help and, well, crossing my fingers, toes, eyes and legs (the involuntary peeing thing is SO true, btw) my friend!!!

cassee01 said...

I had never heard of diverticulitis until my grandmother had it then my husbands mom got it and then my daughter's friends mom got it - why is this disease so common now? Not to scare you but please follow the recommendations in regards to your diet - this is a serious disease - my grandmother died from it and she wasn't diagnosed until she was 72.

LittleBirdies said...

It's funny how you can take a really stressful, painful moment and make it so entertaining.

The Mommy said...

I make silly/stupid jokes when I'm nervous or in the hospital, too! I had an anaesthesiologist with a great sense of humor for my most recent surgery. He said, "I swear this is how they did it on YouTube..." as he was inserting my IV. I loved him!

I'm "only" 38 and I have bursitis. Talk about making you sound old!! Hope you feel better soon, dear! And congrats on the divorce. You must feel like a weight has been lifted...

Jen said...

Heh..at least you have blog material. ROFL! You are priceless, gal. I really hope that you get some rest in between the 6 pack you have there. ;) School should be starting soon and that will help a bit, right? Wait, no it won't. Darn... :(
Ok, well, we'll be praying for you sweetie and I really hope that surgery isn't in the future. I REALLY hope you'll be just fine. (hugs)

Robin said...

What an ordeal!! At least you're on your way to feeling better - or at least you should be with those high dollar antibiotics! O_o

Teresa said...

Hope you are feeling better. They should have given you a nurse when they sent you home. Okay, I know they don't do that ANYWHERE, unless of course you are a movie star or whatever, but still, you should have a nurse.

Hope you feel better!

Shannon said...

I laughed hysterically when I read the under-where joke!! What timing! Hope you get to feeling better.

Carrie M. said...

Dawn, only you could make a trip to the ER this funny! And the joke about "what ya eatting under there"...OMG...I almost fell out of my chair!! HILARIOUS!! Hope you feel better soon, though :)

Sharon said...

Yikes! I hope everything is better now. Hugs to you....Sharon

Anita said...

I hope that you are feeling better. That is scary. When I was reading, I thought it might have been your appendix. Glad to know it wasn't.

Vivian M said...

Wow Doogie needs a sense of humor, sheesh. Hope you feel better really soon, and stay away from anything with seeds! (Will say a prayer you don't need surgery).
Get well soon!

Mimicutelips said...

So now I have to Google diverticulitis to find out what the heck it is. Oh well, we have to laugh to keep from crying.

Getting sick is the diet of Motherhood. The only plus is you are closer to your Barbie body.

I'm 30 and even I know who Doogie is.

~L0SERM0M~ said...

HOLY FREAKING COW...THAT is some funny shit right there!!!!! I totally scream laughed at the "watcha eatin under there joke" THAT was some superb timing!!!! ♥♥♥ IT!! I am a total whackjob when I go to the doctor too, I am nervous as hell..White Coat Syndrome is no where near what I experience. It is like I'm really tipsy, on a 1st date and on my period all at the same time...Gawwddd I hate it!!

Glad you went to see Doogie though. Good luck "tryin" to relax, it ain't gonna happen you know that, I know that, shit Doogie knows that..It's something the "have" to say. BLAH BLAH BLAH!

~L0serm0m~

Donna said...

I am so glad you went to the ER when you did. But of course something had to happen right after you lost your medical insurance. Yipes !
You can try to rest as much as you can but not eating will drive you crazy right now. I think that is to give your colon time to rest too.

Oh...and I am like you !
When I get nervous my mouth runs like crazy saying things....
I thought it was just me.

Hang in there and good luck at your appointment Wed.

Prayers
Donna from Indiana

Pam said...

LOL... I got hurt once and a girlfriend drove me to the ER while hubby stayed home w/ the kids. It was a hoot, as we were both giddy with the "OMIGAWD, I'm out w/ NO KIDS!" giggles.

Anyhow, the Doc told me to "take the next few days off" and my BFF and I just stared at him like he'd grown 2 head (and started giggling again). He looked perplexed and said "Do you need a note for your employer?"

LOL....

Amanda said...

Uh, I'm 23 and know who Doogie is! Was this doctor sheltered as a child? ;-)

((hugs)) to you. You had me cracking up throughout the story though. I think I'd die if I needed a pelvic exam on my period. Shoot me. Feel better soon and prayers you do not need surgery.

Chick Hatchers said...

Is it sad that I laughed so hard I cried at the roast beef/ pea soup joke and the underwear joke? Well, not so much the underwear joke, as the timing of it, even before you pointed it out?

I hope you are feeling better real soon and that your kids step up to the plate and help you out right now. I wish I had $800 to just pay your Cobra for you.

dark_chocolate said...

I thought your jokes were funny!! That doctor has lost all sense of humor, I tell you! :) Hopefully, antibiotics are all you need. By the way, a VERY helpful tip: eat yogurt, LOTS of it, when or after you take antibiotics. You know that one symptom that almost all antibiotics come with (involuntarily spending more time in the bathroom)..? Yogurt can help! Just for future reference, if you didn't already know that. ;)

Nina said...

don't you remember the divirticulitis jokes on old snl? jane curtain and all...

Courtney said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I am glad though that you maintained your sense of humour (albeit after the fact)

I hope you are on the mend.

Spuds said...

I should have stopped reading when you told me to... but I thought, "She's not the boss of me!" Yes you ARE!!! I should have stopped reading....

Susan (5 Minutes For Mom) said...

Oh Girl, I am soooooo sorry!!!!

I just googled diverticulitis to find out what it is... no fun.

And that insurance stuff just sucks. Up here in Canada it's a drag when we lose our extended medical insurance - like if you're not working at a company that offers it - but at least the basics like hospitals stays and ER visits are covered.

I really am sorry.

But I LOVE your humor and that you laugh through everything.

You are a true inspiration to me and I thank you for making me laugh.

I'm about to publish our video interview with you from BlogHer 10 in New York. (And you look amazing in it!)

Susan said...

Hope you feel better soon. Look at the bright side...it's a quick way to lose weight. Always looking for the brighter side (I have ulcerative colitis).

Luwanna said...

Sending Hugs and Prayers your way :)

Nikki said...

I'm very sorry you are ill and in pain. I hope you feel better soon and they can do that without surgery. Doogie really needs to lighten up. I was laughing at your jokes. Peace

PamGram said...

Let's see,vodka,7-up,and ice...you can't get any clearer than that,lol. Now listen to little Doogie even if he has no sence of humor. {{hugs}} to you and the kids.

JeanM said...

Sorry you are not feeling well. Love the ER stories.
My Mom fell off her Moped one time and had to go to the ER They wrote down "patient states she fell off her Mop head!!" Yep they thought she was a psych case all right,

sheila said...

I once went to my Cleveland Clinic doc who thought I had appendicitis and sent me to the ER. All she would have had to do is a pee and blood test, I had a horrible Kidney infection...that cost me $6000 and an overnight in a lovely bed and people polishing the floors at 630am with those noisy polishers. Ah, it was great.

Enjoy your liquids! lol. Good luck to you, seriously. It's my first time here and I like you already, lol.

Magda said...

Only YOU could make something like this a funny story!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (sorry) I thought this kind of stuff only happened in sitcoms!!

God bless your sense of humor. Hope you feel better soon!

hoobingfamilyadventures.com said...

I am so sorry to read you are sick! Your story about the ER is hilarious!

Jennifer in Wisconsin said...

Did they clarify if Rum is NOT a preferred liquid for the next 48 hours?

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Oh Dawn! Big hugs! My dad has diverticulitis. All I know is it's painful and he can't eat corn. Feel better! Lots of love!

V1nce said...

Get well soon Dawn. Thanks for the warning on the female stuff, I just skipped past the LALALA's and right onto the clean hands club.

Like you I can't help but do a quick comedy routine when I'm thrown off. My friends to this day still love when they followed me (for entertainment apparently) through a Las Vegas convention. When a guy stepped in front of me to sell something and said "How would you like a champagne breakfast in bed and a helicopter ride" I immediately replied "I don't know you that well" not breaking stride.

Thinking about it later, maybe he wasn't making a pass at me but hey, I can't help what my brain makes me do.

Pat said...

Diverticulitis isn't just an old person's ailment--I was diagnosed at 28. Over-the-counter Equalactin has become my best friend!

Que said...

I'm one of your stronger MALE readers. Stuff like that doesn't bother me. It would be a little odd having this conversation over lunch but I could take it. I can't say the same thing about Vic though. As much as he's seen in his life you still might have to pick him up off the floor after that one.

However, your sickness sounds WAY worse than mine but your insurance sounds about the same. SO I will (like everyone else here) hope and pray for a speedy recovery!

jdb in AZ said...

I wouldn't call diverse-ticked-off-itis "common" cuz I'm not a commoner. after all.

Hope your "liquid" diet includes jell-o -- there's always room for jell-o, as long as it isn't red. Red tastes the best but for some reason(?)which isn't clear, the red stuff isn't as clear as the other colors (or maybe it leaves more residue?) And popsicles are just frozen clear liquids, right? No doubt your kids will be willing to share that part of the diet with you.

Hurry and get better already!

Amy W said...

Dawn, I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed (read: laughed my butt off) your post about the er visit! I was reading it to my husband and I could not get the words out because I was doing the crazy, silent, tears rolling down my face (literally!), hoarse sounding laugh. Please tell me you know what I'm talking about! My favorite line was that the doc "puts the jack in and cranks it open." Holy cow! What a perfect description of that wonderful moment...good times, good times. My husband, btw, was looking at me like I just smoked a doobie because of course he doesn't see the humor in your blog like I do. You made me laugh so hard and I thank you for that! This was one of your best posts EVER!

PS: just for the record, I'm team Edward =)

The Invisible Seductress said...

I hope you feel better soon!!

Jassie said...

This story was hilarious.

I once has a doctor send my home from the ER telling me that I just didn't know my own period pain. Turns out he didn't know appendicitis. Doctors like this are so foolish.

Get better soon. :)

Emily said...

Ugh! My mother-in-law has diverticulitis, and she did end up having surgery. She hated the clear liquid diet, and was soooo happy to finally be able to eat "real" food! She had to stop eating things like strawberries, sesame seeds, and beans because the seeds and bean skins could get stuck and cause an attack. It was hard for her at first, but after a while she got used to it. :)

So sorry you had to go through that... ERs are such a hassle!

Kila said...

I have no insurance since my divorce (was final in May). My kids are still covered by their dad's insurance.

Forty and divorced--me, too! Now is when life really begins. ;)

Erina said...

Wonder if health reform is making a difference? Read this heartfelt post from a mom in Florida. ttp://www.momsrising.org/blog/my-backyard-meeting-with-president-obama/

Also, check out MomsRising's blog carnival on healthcare reform to find out more about how the new health care law can help you! http://www.momsrising.org/blog/welcome-bloggers-join-our-healthcare-blog-carnival-in-full-swing/

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